Beijing Comrades (26 page)

I knew in my heart that whatever I had done, it was no worse than what everyone else was doing. My only disadvantage was that I lacked the right connections at the right time to bail me out. Nor did I have the backstabbing nature I would have needed to save my own ass. Maybe I'm not ruthless enough, I thought, as the warden gripped my elbow and walked me to my cell. All those years in business, and I was just as naive as the day I'd started.

Twenty-Nine

They locked me up in a local jail cell, where they made me write a confession of what had happened.

I was terrified at first. I could have received the death penalty and I knew it. But from fear there emerged some good, too, for it was precisely this confrontation with mortality that caused me to start reflecting on the person I had been for most of my thirty-four years.

I knew I had done some awful things. Again and again I told myself that if I was sentenced to death, it would be nothing more than payback for all the shitty things I had done. In that respect, I was resigned to fate.

But in other respects, I was anything but resigned. It made me angry knowing there were people out there who weren't just lawbreakers, but were truly evil. And yet, those same people were moving around freely on the other side of the prison wall, living large like fat, blood-filled ticks. Most days I tried not to think much about them, filling my mind only with the two people in my life who mattered most: my mother and Lan
Yu. Especially my mother. Each day I wondered how my death would affect her, what it would mean to her.

Lan Yu, I didn't worry about as much. I knew he'd be fine. With him it was just a feeling of sadness and regret. He was the one true love I had had in this lifetime, yet he never fully understood it. Nor had he ever said, not even once, that he loved me, too.

Needless to say, prison life didn't leave me much time to agonize over whether I was gay or straight. Questions like these were irrelevant in the face of death. Prison taught me that the only thing of real importance is what's on the inside: what one gives and takes on the emotional level.

After about a week of this kind of reflection, I finally received some good news from my lawyer. A typical power struggle had erupted among high-ranking government buffoons, creating a deadlock that was likely to draw the case out for some time. To me, the news couldn't have been more welcome. I sighed a breath of relief knowing that, at a minimum, I wasn't going to be executed right away. But still, I knew it wasn't over yet.

There's an old saying: “When the city gate catches fire, even the fish in the moat get burned.” I knew in my heart that I was an innocent bystander, a small fish caught in a big fire. But I still got burned.

At first, they wouldn't let me see anyone except my lawyer. But he was useless anyway. Whether he was impotent in the face of the arbitrary decision-making processes of administrative authorities, or just didn't give a crap, I couldn't say. But during my second week in jail, a miracle happened: they let me see Liu Zheng.

My childhood friend walked into the preliminary hearing and sat down at the table across from me. To my astonishment,
the two officers who had escorted him into the room turned around and walked out, leaving us to talk alone. The company, I knew, would have had to drop a lot of cash for him to be able to speak with me in private.

I don't know precisely how, but Liu Zheng had detailed information about what was going on. It turned out that not only the company assets but even my personal ones had been frozen. An audit was underway and, for the time being, the company had effectively ceased operations. All the members of upper management—those kowtowing old myrmidons once so eager to follow whatever directive I gave them—had disappeared into their various new positions like monkeys scattering when the biggest tree in the jungle falls. I knew Liu Zheng would have had to rally friends, family, and associates to pool the money required to get me out of there. He assured me he was working every angle, every connection to get me out.

“How's Ma?” I asked when we were done discussing my case.

“She's holding up,” he said reassuringly. “Don't worry, Handong. She'll be fine.”

“Please, Zheng,” I pleaded, reaching across the table to grab him by the hand. “You're like a brother to me. You've got to check in on her to make sure she's okay.” I let go of his hand then wrung my own hands together. The shame I felt when I thought of my mother was unbearable. First, I'd failed to give her the one thing she wanted most in life—to see her son married with a child—and now I had wound up in jail.

Liu Zheng sat up straight in his seat and faced me squarely. “Listen, Handong. Don't worry about our Ma. You know she's like a real mother to me. No matter what happens to you, I'll always be her son. I've visited her almost every day since
you got arrested. If anything happens to you, I'm going to take care of her, and when the time comes, I'll be the one who sees her off to the end.”

My eyes filled with tears. “Thanks, Zheng!”

Liu Zheng. He was a true friend. And yet, I only realized it because of Lan Yu. I thought back to the time he convinced me not to fire Liu Zheng. “You businessmen don't know a thing about friendship,” he had said. Perhaps this was beginning to change; if so, it was something that Lan Yu had taught me.

Liu Zheng and I sat in silence for a few moments, then his eyebrows lifted as if he'd remembered something. “Oh, right!” he said. “Lan Yu wanted me to give this to you.” He pulled a thin sand-colored piece of paper from his pocket. The instant I unfolded it, I recognized Lan Yu's handwriting. A lump formed in my throat.

We're doing everything we can to get you out of there, Handong. You have to have faith! I don't care how long it takes. You're getting out of there and I'm going to be right here waiting for you. You owe me a lifetime, remember? Don't go back on your word. You're getting out of there! Until then
—
take care of yourself, Handong, take such good care! Yu.

When I saw that he had written his name simply as
Yu,
heavy tears rolled down my cheeks. In all the years we had known each other, neither of us had ever used this intimate, shortened form of his name. What did it mean that he was using it now?

“How does he know what happened?” I folded the note, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

“He called me because he couldn't get in touch with you and he was worried. He's real upset, Handong. He's waiting outside right now. They wouldn't let him in with me. The
agreement with the prosecutor was that I would see you alone.”

“What?” I raised my voice in shock. “He's here now? Listen, Zheng. Lan Yu and I are finished! You need to help him go abroad!”

Liu Zheng nodded his head understandingly, but said nothing in reply. Instead, he spoke of my ex-wife. “Lin Ping's been calling, too, Handong. She's worried. She's been asking me if there's anything she can do to help.”

“Please, let's not talk about her.” Mention of those dark days only made me feel worse.

Liu Zheng cast me a feeble smile. “I know she had her bad side, but she never meant any harm.” He had always been good at defending her.

The three months I spent in that cold little cell were difficult. One can imagine what it was like: no trial, no legal process, just a lone man thrown unceremoniously into a prison cell. And on the day I was released, they pulled me out of my cell just as they had thrown me in: without any rhyme or reason.

Stepping back into the world with Liu Zheng on one side, my lawyer on the other, I enjoyed the feeling of warm rays of sunshine hitting my face. A broad grin appeared on my face when I saw Lan Yu in the distance leaning against his car. Arms folded and legs crossed at the ankles, he reeled me in with his strong and gentle smile. As always at the end of the summer, he was darker and thinner than usual, but to me that only gave him an additional layer of sexiness. He scrutinized me as I walked toward him as if not yet convinced that I was real. We didn't say a word as I got in the car. No hugs, no tears—this wasn't an option for us in public—but I felt his gaze cling to me as I opened the door and got inside.

Lan Yu and I sat in the backseat and Liu Zheng drove, the
passenger seat next to him empty. I took a deep breath and looked out the window. I'm free, I thought. I was free and alive and returning to the city, to that seething metropolis I knew so well. As these thoughts churned in my mind, I suddenly felt the warm touch of Lan Yu's hand against my own. The motion was slow at first, halting, as if he wasn't sure what my reaction would be. That's when I squeezed back and his grip became firmer. I looked down at our hands, the hands of two men binding themselves together, and then into his eyes, where I saw a mixture of steady resolve and boundless tenderness. I pressed my hand deeper into his, so hard it hurt, but neither of us let go. The pain reminded me that I was alive, alive and with the man I loved.

Liu Zheng drove straight to my mother's house, where my mother and sisters were waiting. Lan Yu said he would wait in the car. As I walked toward the house, my mother came running out the front door, throwing her hands into the air before clutching frantically at my shoulders. She fell against my chest with a heavy wailing that hung in the courtyard.

I held her, patting her on the back while trying to keep myself together.

“C'mon, Ma!” I said. “It's nothing. What are you crying for? Aren't you glad I'm home?”

All my efforts at consolation were to no avail. On and on my mother cried with no end in sight until I began thinking I myself was going to cry. Finally, my sisters intervened by prying her off of me and, eventually, coaxing a smile from her face.

When all the excitement and fuss started to wind down, my mind returned to Lan Yu, who was still waiting in the car for me. It was an awful feeling. There I was emerging from a major crisis and I couldn't have the two people in my life I cared about most—my mother and Lan Yu—with me at the same
time. I gave my mother a final hug and invented some pressing task I had to take care of at the office. Then Liu Zheng and I went back to the car.

“That was fast!” Lan Yu exclaimed as we got back in the car. “Is our Ma okay?” He's saying “our Ma” again!

“She's fine,” I said. “It took her a while, but she's fine.” Lan Yu's worried expression turned into a smile.

“So, where to?” Liu Zheng asked, glancing back at us through the rearview mirror. “I'll take you guys wherever you want to go.”

“Are you guys hungry? Why don't we grab a bite to eat?” Lan Yu suggested. “My treat!”

“Sure,” Liu Zheng said. “But it's my treat, not yours—to celebrate Handong's safe return!”

“We can eat,” I said, “but I don't want to go out. And whatever we do, I'm taking a shower first!” I hadn't had a decent bite of food in months, but I didn't feel like being at a restaurant.

“Let's go to my place, then,” Liu Zheng offered.

It was a real men's night at Liu Zheng's that evening. I took a quick shower, and within half an hour, heavy clouds of smoke filled the living room and our ears rang with the sound of shot glasses clinking together. Also filling the air was an endless stream of cursing, not from Lan Yu, but from Liu Zheng and me. I was first to get drunk, but Liu Zheng followed quickly. Lan Yu drank very little. He mostly just sat quietly, looking supremely contented as Liu Zheng and I bitched and moaned about everything that was wrong with the world.

“Liu Zheng!” I roared, holding my glass high while trying to focus my bleary eyes. “To you, buddy! I'm gonna make it up to you! We've been through thick and thin, but I'll tell you one thing, I'm gonna make it up to you!”

Liu Zheng and I never spoke of it directly, but Lan Yu later
told me that my childhood friend had spent ¥3 million securing my release—his entire life savings. He had risked everything—his livelihood, his family—to bail me out. This, I felt, was his way of returning the debt of gratitude I had earned by not firing him five years earlier.

“Let's not speak of the past,” Liu Zheng said. “You're back now and that's what counts!” He lifted his glass to mine.

I turned to Lan Yu. He was his usual laconic self, but was genuinely pleased by the drunken banter happening around him.

“And you!” I hollered, raising my glass with a smile. “Thank you so much for your note! I couldn't have survived another minute in that hellhole!”

Lan Yu beamed. “Drink!” he shouted, raising his glass to mine.

It took many months, but at last there was a desirable outcome to my case. They threw out all charges against me because of a lack of evidence. Still, the audit they had performed brought to light other discrepancies, such as tax evasion, and I was hit with a series of heavy fines. It wasn't going to be easy, but one way or another I would recover.

There was some good that came out of the bad. Returning from the brink of ruin brought a new kind of clarity to my life. The excesses of my past now seemed empty, dissolute. I decided to start living a little more simply, a little more sincerely, in a way that was a little more real.

Thirty

After the impromptu celebration at Liu Zheng's place, all three of us fell asleep in our respective chairs—two of us passed out drunk—until early morning, when the virgin rays of sunlight burst into the room and coaxed us out of slumber. Liu Zheng stumbled off to join his wife in their bed, and Lan Yu and I took a cab back to Gala, where we jumped immediately into his. Lan Yu sat up against the headboard; legs open in the shape of a
V,
he patted the open space between them to invite me to sit. I nestled against his broad chest and he held me tightly in his arms, kissing the back of my neck. It was rare for him to hold me that way, the exact opposite of the pattern we'd established through innumerable hours of cuddle time. He leaned forward to look at my profile, kissing my cheek now and then. I loved the feeling of his arms around me as much as I loved my newly restored freedom.

“Do I look any different?” I asked, turning my head slightly so he could see me better.

“Not really. A little thinner.”

“I was sure you had forgotten about me.” I tugged at his arm, tightening it around my chest.

“Are you kidding me? Never!” He nuzzled his nose against my ear. “I was worried you wouldn't be able to take it, that you might even . . .,” his voice trailed off, then he continued. “Believe me, I know what those confessions are like. When they got the fax at my work, every single manager in the company pulled me aside to ‘talk,' then security made me write a statement. It was such bullshit. When my coworkers found out about it, they started getting on board with the inquisition, too. So I knew exactly what you were going through. And I was worried about you.”

Quietly, I listened to him speak. Lan Yu had never been much of a talker, and he wasn't always good at expressing himself. But I always understood what he meant.

“All right, mister, time's up!” I pulled myself out of his arms to swap positions with him. I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him as I'd done so many times before. I wrapped my arms around the front of his torso and scrutinized his profile, noting all the things about him that had changed since we met. The childlike innocence he once had was completely gone now, permanently replaced by a deepening maturity that was just beginning to dig into the length of his brow. In the past, when he had looked at me it was with anxiety, suspicion. But he now possessed a kind of relaxed and easygoing self-confidence. I squeezed him tightly. He seemed even thinner than the day before, when I'd seen him waiting for me outside the jailhouse. I wondered if being with me somehow made him unhappy.

I stretched my neck forward to press my lips against whatever part of his face I could find. Eyebrows, nose, then lips. He returned my kiss by pushing his tongue into my mouth, inviting me to push back deeper. Pulling back slightly, I studied his
profile while combing my fingers through his hair. There was something I needed to ask him.

“In the note you wrote me, why did you sign your name
Yu
?”

He smiled, but didn't answer the question. So I tried another one.

“So, if I'm going to repay you . . . I mean . . . how do you think I should do it?” More silence.

“Tell me!” I said, squeezing my arms around his chest as tightly as I could.

He turned and looked at me cunningly. “I guess you'll just have to figure it out on your own!”

I looked at him closely. Why didn't he tell me he loved me? I had nothing to go on but intuition. I knew he loved me, and I had once thought that knowing it without having heard him say it was more romantic and exciting than a million sweet words. But knowing it was no longer enough. I wanted to hear it.

“I want you so badly,” I whispered into his ear as I enveloped him in my embrace. “We're going to be together forever, okay?”

“What about when we're old?”

“As long as you still want me.”

He laughed, and it hurt. I was trying to be sincere, and he was laughing at me.

Lan Yu could see I was bothered by his flippant response. He turned to me and rubbed his nose against mine.

“You're like a drug,” he said matter-of-factly. “I know I shouldn't go near you. I know you could ruin me. But I can't stay away.”

Upon hearing this, I realized it wasn't just me who'd thought of him as a drug. He thought the same of me!

“So you
are
prone to addiction!” I laughed. “And how do
you intend to manage this problem, young man?” I wanted to take the same light tone as him. It would be easier that way.

“I guess one day I'll just have to quit!”

“And when will that be?” I held my breath, praying he wasn't suggesting we should break up.

“Oh, I don't know. When you get married again, or find someone else.” His tone of voice remained cavalier.

I closed my eyes. How could I put my feelings for Lan Yu into words? He still distrusted me because of what I had done in the past, and yet there he was, forgetting the past so he could be with me. I opened my eyes again.

“So, are you going to go abroad this year?” I wanted to change the subject.

“Ugh,” he lamented. “It's hopeless!”

“Has your boyfriend gone yet?”

“He left a month ago.”

“Did you guys break up?”

Silence.

“He knows everything about us, doesn't he?”

“He doesn't know a thing,” Lan Yu replied. “I never told him about you.” That surprised me. It was hard to believe he'd never said a word about a relationship that had lasted as long as ours. But there was more.

“I've never told anyone about us,” he continued.

“Why not?”

Lan Yu turned to look me in the eye. “It's ours, Handong. It doesn't belong to anybody else.”

The words hit me hard. I had known Lan Yu for seven years at that point. I always knew he was a sensitive person, the kind of person who values feelings more than anything else. But it was only in that moment that I realized just how
strong his feelings for me really were. Maybe I didn't need to hear him say he loved me. Maybe this was his way of saying it.

When evening came around, Lan Yu and I made love for the first time in over three months. Whatever else could be said of him, he had always greatly enjoyed the pleasures of sex. I did, too, but on that night—our first real night together since my release—a nagging caution tugged at my heart. I was deathly afraid—afraid of losing myself, afraid of falling so deep that our bodies and souls became one.

I barely slept a wink that night. Lan Yu, on the other hand, slept heavily. Lying in bed drenched in pools of moonlight, I held him in my arms, thinking about the strange and unlikely path my life had taken. I thought about my mother, my career, the days I had spent behind bars. I took in Lan Yu's beautiful face with my eyes and made a vow to myself: unless there came a day when he grew tired of this life—tired of me, tired of being with another man—I was going to stay with him forever.

The following morning, the sun rose in the east, and Lan Yu and I began our respective days. I dropped him off at work, then drove to my office to commence the long and arduous process of mopping up the shitstorm created by jail time. I essentially had to start my career over from scratch. A herculean task, but an exciting one, too, since it represented the new start on life I desired.

Arriving at my office, the first thing I did was call the front desk of Country Brothers. It was time to rid myself of my secret little room there, that house of pleasure that time and again had opened onto a seemingly endless horizon of new adventures. I also made arrangements to sell my apartments at Movement Village and Ephemeros, though this idea had more
to do with needing fast cash than wanting to turn over a new leaf. Apart from the occasional visit to my mother's house, I stayed with Lan Yu each night, joking that I was a down-and-out drifter who had found shelter at Camp Gala. I never went to Tivoli, nor did I mention it to Lan Yu.

The Japanese company Lan Yu worked for was exacting, and he spent long hours at work each day. He often grumbled about how vile foreign bosses were. He said if he had his way, he'd wipe the Japanese off the face of the earth.

“What are you, some kind of radical nationalist?” I feigned shock.

“Damn right!” he beamed with pride.

Lan Yu was good at his job. One evening after work, he burst through the apartment door shouting that his boss had given him a raise. I gave him a big hug and told him we were going out to dinner that night—on him! He laughed when I threatened to order lots of pricey dishes.

Lan Yu rarely talked about the past and talked even less about the future. He said he didn't believe in the future. I didn't know exactly what that meant, but it didn't matter. We were happy in the moment, in the present. That was enough for me.

One late afternoon, I went to Skytalk to pick Lan Yu up after work. I wanted to surprise him, so I parked at a distance so he wouldn't be able to see me when he walked out. At ten past five, he stepped out of the building, chatting spiritedly with a strikingly attractive girl. They waved goodbye as she hopped on her bicycle and rode off.

When Lan Yu saw me, he waved excitedly. He dashed to the car, opened the passenger door, and jumped in.

“Look at you,” I teased. “Reeling in the babes, huh?”

“Hey, she's the one who's after me!” he said, clearly pleased with himself.

“I bet she is!” I said breathlessly. “Why don't you go for it?”

It would be hard to describe the look on Lan Yu's face when he heard this. Somewhere between disbelief and disgust.

“Well, that would be unfair to her, wouldn't it?” he said coldly.

“Come on, I was only joking,” I said, realizing the stupidity of what I had said. “I thought maybe you were into her!” I was trying to find a way out.

“Well, I'm not,” he said, throwing his bag into the back seat. “And I'm not getting married, either. Don't you get it, Handong?” He turned to me austerely. “I just don't understand why so many people like us get married. It doesn't make sense. And it's wrong.”

I laughed sheepishly. We both knew who he was talking about.