Beneath It All (Beneath #1) (29 page)

I tried to cut her off, but she shoved her hand in my face. She literally gave me “the hand,” and I gave her the finger in return. It didn’t faze her.

“You’re stuck with me and I expect you to hate me for many things I’ve already said and will say. Brutal honesty is what you will always get from me and you know it. I will not allow you to wallow in pity for days on end, and I know for a fact your parents won’t either. We love you and care about you. We will not let you fall down and not get up.” She looked at the clock on the mantel. “You have one hour until I drag your ass to your doctor’s appointment, which you are not canceling. You need to keep moving forward. You are not allowed to put your treatment and reconstruction on hold because of him. He’s not fucking worth it.”

When I tried to argue she stopped me. “Buck up, babe . . . you’ve got some serious ass to kick.” And with that, Jen walked out of the room.

I sat in silence. My husband had just served me with divorce papers out of nowhere, my best friend just told me how it is, and now I was going to the doctor for an expander fill like any normal person would do.

What. The. Fuck.
Let me repeat that.
WHAT! THE! FUCK!

*

True to her word, Jen dragged me to my appointment with Dr. Forrester, even though I looked like absolute shit. “Do you want me to go back with you?” she asked.

“No.” I was still pissed off and needed a break from her hovering. Even when I went to the bathroom before leaving the house, she stood outside the door waiting for me. She was concerned—I get that—but I could do without the constant shadow.

“Victoria, we’re ready for you,” I heard Elizabeth cheerfully greet me. It was nice to see her smiling face. She didn’t know that my life had completely imploded just two short hours ago. Everything was the way it should be . . . for a breast cancer patient, that is.

“How are things going?”

“Fine,” I lied.

“How was the pain after the first fill?”

“It wasn’t bad. I didn’t really feel much after it.” This was technically true. I honestly hadn’t felt much of anything after my heart had been massacred two weeks ago. I chose to keep that little fact to myself.

“I’m happy to hear that. Some women have a really hard time with the fill process, I’m glad you aren’t one of them. Keep it up!” She handed me the robe to change into before stepping out to get Dr. Forrester. “We’ll be in shortly; he is just finishing up with another patient.”

I changed into the robe and sat on the exam table looking down at my hands, specifically at my wedding ring. I had lost weight during chemo, and I had noticed it was sliding around on my finger all the time. It slipped off of my finger easily, and I was mesmerized by it sitting in the palm of my right hand when Dr. Forrester and Elizabeth came in.

He noticed what I was doing. “Is everything all right?”

I quickly slipped it back on my finger. “Yes, everything is fine. I just noticed that I’ve lost some weight, and it slipped right off my finger. Guess I should get it resized or just take it off.” Yeah, that would be a great excuse. I took it off because I lost weight.

“It’s probably not a bad idea to take it off—you wouldn’t want anything to happen to it.” He nodded at my hand.

“You’re probably right.” I slipped it back off and put it in the pocket of my jeans. “Better,” I said.

“Elizabeth told me you did well after your first fill.”

“Yeah, I think so; I just had some tightness. Nothing that raised a flag that something was wrong.” Which was the truth . . . I honestly didn’t notice a damn thing.

“Let’s stick with the same game plan this week.” Maybe the discomfort would be noticeable this time, and it would take my mind off of my shitty life for a few days.

“Okay. One-hundred cc’s again?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” He helped me lie back down on the table before he started prepping. “Did you come alone today? I was expecting Noah or your friend again.”

“One of my other friends, Jen, drove me, but she stayed back in the waiting room. She doesn’t do medical stuff.” I fibbed again, but he would never know.

“Understood. We’ll wait a few minutes with you after to make sure you don’t get dizzy like last time,” he said as he started to locate the ports on my expanders and marked each spot with an
X
when he found them. Elizabeth was helping him with the bag of saline this time.

I sat quietly during the quick and fairly painless procedure. Other than the pressure, I was okay and could handle the discomfort. Hell, it felt better than the piercing pain in my heart. He helped me sit up slowly. “How was that?”

“It was fine.” I could handle the physical pain of life, just not the emotional part right now. I was doing this alone. Alone.

My eyes started to water with that realization, but as much as I tried to hold them back, it was useless. I wiped them away with the back of my hand just as Dr. Forrester turned back toward me while drying his hands on a paper towel.

“Did we do too much today?” he asked with a concerned voice. He had again asked me every twenty-five cc’s if we were good, and I had confirmed yes each time. “Elizabeth, why don’t you go and get Victoria a ginger ale?”

“Sure thing—I’ll be right back.” She disappeared out the door, and Dr. Forrester turned back toward me, waiting for my answer.

“No. It was fine, really.” I sniffled as he handed me a tissue. “It has just been a rough couple of weeks since I saw you last. I’ll be okay.”

“Anything I can do?” he asked as he rolled a stool over and sat down facing me just a few feet away.

“Not really. Life has just thrown me a few surprises I wasn’t expecting and my emotions are a little out of control. I didn’t mean for you to see me tearing up. This isn’t the time or the place.”

“Sure it is. Reconstruction is a very emotional process, and many women struggle with it. You aren’t the first patient to cry in my office and won’t be the last. I don’t take it personally. It’s part of the journey.”

“The journey?” I pondered that for a moment. “You have always called it a journey. Why is that?”

“Because that’s what this is. A battle sounds like you’re going to war, and death is a higher probability in war. A journey will bring you many highs and lows, and while some journeys end well, some don’t. What you experience along the way can have a positive effect on the outcome. Good or bad.”

There was a knock on the door, and Elizabeth popped in with a can of ginger ale. “Thank you, Elizabeth. I’m going to be a few more minutes with Victoria. Please let my next patient know I am running a few minutes behind.”

She nodded her head in acknowledgment. “Take care, Victoria. I’ll see you in two weeks.”

After the door closed, he shifted on the stool and rested his hands on his knees. “I lost someone special to breast cancer five years ago. Her outlook was always positive, even though the odds were against her. It made an immense impact on my life. She was at peace with her choices, and before she passed, she reflected on the amazing parts of her journey, not the low points. She never called it a battle, and now I understand why.”

“That’s beautiful,” I said, with fresh tears in my eyes. “Thank you for sharing that with me. She sounds like she was an amazing woman.”

“Yeah, my mom was amazing.” He smiled affectionately.

“Noah left me.”

As soon as I realized what I just blurted out, I instantly felt the heat rise on my face. Embarrassed about what I had just declared to my doctor, I looked down and began fidgeting with my hands. He wasn’t a therapist who was used to this; he was a plastic surgeon.
My
plastic surgeon. This wasn’t good.

Dr. Forrester quickly shifted on his stool and almost lost his balance. “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

“Noah served me with divorce papers two hours ago.” I stated it clearly this time but kept my head down. “I saw him with another woman after I left your office. He was planning to leave me before I was diagnosed with cancer. But then he decided to stick with me until I was done with treatment . . . until I caught him two weeks ago.” I was like a fucking fountain, just spewing everything out to this poor man. He didn’t need—or want—to hear this, and I needed to shut up. God, I felt like a complete fool.

The room was silent. Uncomfortably silent, until I looked up and was met with Dr. Forrester’s brown eyes, which were full of unease. “Victoria, I’m terribly sorry.”

“I am too.” It was all I could say.

“Your news surprises me immensely. Why are you even here today?”

“Jen wouldn’t let me cancel my appointment. She said I needed to keep moving forward and couldn’t let him be the reason I stopped,” I said as my shoulders slumped and I moved my arms around my middle to protect myself.

“She sounds like a good friend,” he said as he stood and held a hand to help me stand. “I don’t think you’re going to pass out on me now. Why don’t you change and I’ll meet you outside when you’re ready.”

“Okay.”

After I changed, I stepped out of the room, and Dr. Forrester was standing in the hall like he had said he would. He handed me a card. “I need you to schedule your next appointment with my partner, Dr. Anne McGuire.”

“Umm, okay,” I said with confusion.
Did I do something wrong?

“I’ll be out of the office that week, and I want you to stay on schedule with your fills,” he said in explanation.

“Oh. Okay, thank you.” I tucked the card into my purse. “I’m sorry for what happened. I shouldn’t have done that; it was inappropriate of me.”

“It’s not a problem, Victoria, don’t worry about it. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to talk to someone about it.”

Not really sure how to respond, I just smiled and said, “Thank you.”

I stopped to see Elizabeth to schedule my appointment with Dr. McGuire, and my nerves must have been showing because she was quick to strike up a conversation. Her bubbly personality was so encouraging. She set my mind at ease by telling me a little bit about Dr. McGuire and gave me a hug before I walked out to the waiting area.

Jen was flipping through a magazine when I appeared. “I’m ready to go.”

She nodded. “Lead the way.”

*

As Jen turned the corner down my street, my heart started to speed up. When my house came into view, it went into overdrive. The driveway wasn’t empty.

Dana’s car . . . check.

Bobbie Jo’s car . . . check.

My parents’ car . . . check.

“What the hell, Jen? Did you call in back-up?”

“It wasn’t me. I can’t take credit for this one.” She laughed, letting a snort slip out.

“I don’t find this funny or entertaining in the least. It has been shitty day, and the last thing I need is to answer to all of them. I don’t need their pity.” The dam broke. “I can’t face them. Please keep driving.”

She did as I asked and drove to one of our favorite spots from when we were younger.

“Do you have a hat and gloves with you?” she asked as she parked the car.

I nodded and put them on before stepping out of the car. She pulled a blanket out of the back of her car, and we started walking toward the band shell at Lake Harriet. Winter in Minnesota was usually cold, but this year, it was unseasonably warm for December. The sun was turning the sky a burnt orange color as it started to set.

We found a bench facing the lake and sat in silence as we watched people out for their after work run. The sound of their feet hitting the path was the only sound.

“What do you need me to do?” Jen finally broke the silence. “It’s you and me against the world, just like in high school. I’m guessing your parents called the girls and asked them to be there when we got home. I’m sorry. I don’t know why they would think that was a good idea.”

“I’m sure my mom is freaking out since they’re leaving for Gulf Shores in a few days and now this happened. She didn’t want to go in the first place, and my dad called me to talk her into it. I told her everything would be fine and that Noah would be there with me every step of the way.” I sighed heavily. “He’s not going to be there now, and I’m sure she’s refusing to go. If I had to guess, my dad set this up to talk with my friends about taking turns being with me so I’m not alone. That’s the only way my mom will go.”