Authors: Lisa de Jong
“Hey you,” Stephanie said as she stepped toward me, holding out her hand. “Dinner’s almost ready.”
“Thanks for doing this, Steph. You don’t know how much it means.” This was what I needed, somebody to force me out of the fog I was living in.
Sitting there eating the spaghetti Stephanie had made, I realized I couldn’t stay here and wait for Melanie much longer. I needed to bring her back to me, and I couldn’t do that if I was wasting away in bed.
We had to move on. I would go for her, and soon.
****
July’s End 2000
I couldn’t see through the tears as I tried to find my way back to the Dallas airport. It poured rain outside, coming down in sheets, lightning flashing through the sky every few seconds.
“Fuck!” I screamed, punching the steering wheel. I screamed again as I rammed my head into it this time, trying to feel something other than the unbearable pain tearing through my chest. A horn blared behind me. I was stopped in the middle of the road, disoriented and unaware of anything around me.
Blindly, I pulled over to the side, curling in on myself, gasping through my tears. “Melanie, how could you? Please, God, no,” I begged. Vomit pooled in the back of my throat as images of Melanie touching another man flooded my mind. I pushed the door open and purged. Rain poured down on my head and everything spun. I felt as if I was drowning.
She’d blamed me after all.
I couldn’t remember getting back to the airport, but somehow I found myself standing at the ticket counter, handing the woman my credit card. Her lips moved, but I heard nothing she said.
I didn’t feel the plane take off or land, only being jostled into action by the man next to me, gathering his things to depart.
My parents had called relentlessly over the last twenty-four hours. My phone constantly beeped, urging me to answer. I couldn’t deal with them right now. That meant acknowledging my Melanie was gone, and I was not ready to do that yet.
I drove home, dazed, but all too soon the emotions welled up within me, ready to burst.
“You have to get home before you lose it, Daniel.” I could make it. I just had to get home. Our home.
As I pulled into the driveway and stumbled out of my car, the first wave of grief overtook me. A bitter laugh escaped my lips as I thought of her telling me this was the only home she’d ever know.
I grabbed the picture of us at my graduation and threw it against the wall, shattered glass fell to the floor. “You fucking whore!” I screamed at her as my heartbroken rage boiled over. As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. I knew they were a lie. I could never blame her.
I just didn’t understand how she could do this. I knew she loved me. I had always felt it and never questioned it. I tried to hold on to that knowledge; it was the only thing I’d ever have.
Picking up the broken frame from the floor, I looked at my girl, her beautiful face filled with so much joy. I’d taken that all away.
I hadn’t slept the last two days, and I collapsed onto my bed. I pulled my pillow into me, seeking some form of comfort, imagining it was Melanie holding me.
In the other room, my phone alternated between buzzing and ringing, but I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed to answer it. The pain was too great.
I tried to will myself to die, to just fall asleep and to never wake. Instead, I would drift off to a sleep filled with nightmares that should have destroyed me, waking to a reality I prayed would finally end me.
Had it been minutes or days? I couldn’t tell.
“What?” I mumbled to myself, lifting my head when the front door clicked. “Shit.” I hadn’t locked the front door when I had come home. I couldn’t deal with anyone right now. My parents would be worried, but I couldn’t face them.
My bedroom door opened, and Stephanie peeked through the crack, allowing a stream of light into the room.
“Daniel?” she called.
Damn it. Stephanie.
“Steph, just go. I can’t talk right now.”
She hesitated.
“Please!” I croaked, my voice rough from crying.
I should have known Stephanie would never leave. She pushed the door open and climbed onto the bed. I turned away from her, but she was insistent, reaching out to rub my back.
“Daniel, you know I’m here for you. What’s going on? I mean, I’ve been worried sick about you. I left you at least ten messages.”
I couldn’t answer her questions. She ran her fingers through my hair.
I wasn’t facing her, but I’m sure she could feel my body tremble as I tried to hide that I was crying.
“Daniel, look at me.”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to allow her to see me like this or not, but I gave in, turning around to face her.
“Oh, Daniel, what happened? You look awful.”
“Melanie left me.”
She looked at me for a few seconds, still running her hand through my hair. I thought she was going to say something else, but she leaned forward and kissed me instead.
I tried to pull away, but she pressed herself closer and whispered, “Please, let me make you feel better,” as her lips moved against mine.
Part of me wanted to push her off, but another part just wanted to feel anything other than the ache. Maybe if I gave in, it would mask it, even if it was only for a few minutes. So I kissed her back—hard.
Everything came pouring out of me, and I gave it to her as if she could somehow take some of the burden from me. Tears began to spill from my eyes as I held her body roughly against mine, pressing myself into her. I tore her shirt over her head, not caring what was underneath.
Her hands felt wrong against my skin as she ran them up under my shirt to remove it. But I let her anyway.
“Please, just for one minute, let me forget.” I spoke to myself, trying to will it all away, unaware I’d said the words aloud.
“Yes, Daniel, forget,” she pleaded with me as she removed the last barrier between us. I slammed into her, praying it would fill some of the void I felt inside.
It only grew.
“Why am I doing this?” I shook my head against the crook of her neck, trying to will the guilt away. All I could see was Melanie’s face.
My heart cried out for her, “Melanie...Melanie...Melanie,” longing for the only thing that could make it complete.
“I’m not Melanie,” she said, her voice bringing me back. “It’s Stephanie.” She reached out and touched my face. “Let her go. Don’t you see it? Now we can finally be together.”
I pushed her away. What had I done? I quickly gathered her clothes and tossed them at her. Guilt assaulted me from every direction.
“I’m so sorry, Stephanie...I can’t believe I did this...” I raked a hand through my hair. “I...you know I will never love anyone but Melanie. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.” I couldn’t believe the mistake I’d just made. I dug through the pile of clothes on the floor to find my boxers.
“No!” She shook her head, vehement. “I can feel it, Daniel. This all happened for a reason. It was the only way for us to find each other.”
I felt sick. I had trusted her and thought she cared about me as a friend, but now it was clear. How could I be so blind?
Fear consumed me during the drive to Melanie’s house. Every doubt I’d ever had about myself came to the surface, insisting I wasn’t good enough, reminding me of what I’d done. I tried to shove it down, to stamp it out, to allow only the assurance of Erin’s revelation and the promise of the pull from within Melanie’s house to guide me. Yet my stomach was still in my throat. I gathered all of my courage, bracing myself against the possibility that Melanie could, once again, reject me. But I was through living with the questions; it was time to get answers. I would deal with the consequences later.
My palms were sweaty from gripping the steering wheel. I’d been sitting outside her house for more than twenty-five minutes. I swallowed hard, wiping my hands against my jeans. When I opened the car door, her presence intensified. My feet no longer felt heavy, but quickened in anticipation. This was it. I bounded up to her porch, standing in front of her door. Another wave of uncertainty washed over me, leaving me unsure of myself again. I felt like I would go crazy with the constant surge of emotions, each one pushing me forward or dragging me back.
Lifting my hand, I hesitated before rapping against the heavy wooden door. The bell somehow felt too formal. Why I even bothered, I didn’t know. Melanie would have already known I was near.
I ran my hands incessantly through my hair as I waited for her, dread creeping through my veins. The house remained completely still. I banged against the door, this time louder. “I’m not leaving until you talk to me, Melanie.” I leaned my forehead against the door and pounded my palm against it. Her presence was so strong, I felt as if I could touch her. I realized then she was leaning against the other side, the door our only barrier.
“Please, Melanie,” I whispered against the wood, my heart begging her. There was a shift in the air and the sound of metal sliding. The door cracked open, but only a lock of her brown hair was visible.
“You shouldn’t be here, Daniel.” As much as she wanted me to be believe what she said, I knew she was lying. The pull was overwhelming, and even if I’d wanted to, I could never have walked away.
I pushed against the door, nudging it open a little more. “We have to talk, Melanie, and I’m not leaving until we do.”
I felt her give in and the door swung open wide. I tried to gather myself as I stepped forward.
I stood in a massive living room, the furniture pristine, unused, and completely uninviting. I cringed, thinking of Melanie living in this place. There was no hint of her in it whatsoever. The house was devoid of any warmth.
Slowly, I turned back to her, mentally preparing myself. My breath hitched and a lump formed in my throat when we came face-to-face. She was so beautiful; it made it impossible to think straight. She appeared to be in her pajamas, pink sweats resting low on her waist and a pink tank top. Her creamy shoulders were exposed, accentuating her brown curls that fell over them.
But I only allowed myself to focus on her face. Her expression was so sad and guarded, her emerald eyes glistening as she fought to hold back tears.
It was hard to breathe with the weight on my chest. Everything rode on this one moment.
“Melanie.” How did I even start? The pull to hold her was so intense, it made it difficult to form words, but I fought it. We had to talk.
She stood feet from me, her breathing even, though she couldn’t hide the tremors rolling through her body. She looked so scared, so broken, but even that couldn’t mask the love shining in her eyes when she looked at me. I couldn’t help but voice my own.
“I love you.”
Her lip quivered and she sucked it in, her eyes never leaving mine. Tears broke loose, running quickly down her face. “I know.”
I swallowed and allowed the pain to come. I wouldn’t hold back. She had to know how deeply she’d wounded me.
“What you said in my office the other day…I couldn’t live another day with you believing that I don’t want you. You have to understand, nothing was more devastating than finding out you’d left me.”
The painful memory flashed in my mind. “She’s not here.” Peggy looked at me in confusion as if she thought I should know exactly what she was talking about. “Melanie got married, Daniel. Didn’t you know?”
“What?” Melanie’s forehead wrinkled, her voice suddenly high. “What are you talking about...the day you found out I left you?”
“When I went to Dallas to get you, Melanie. The day your mom ripped my heart out.”
Peggy’s voice filled my mind. “She’s happy, Daniel. Let her go. Find someone that makes you happy like she has.”
“For almost five months, I hardly slept or ate. I spent every minute worrying about you, dreaming of you, longing for you. I tried so hard to respect your wishes to stay away and let you heal, but it was too much. I had to come for you.” Each word became more heated than the last as the anger I’d always ignored was released. It was never my intention to come here and hurt her more, but it was time we were honest with each other.
“Do you have any idea what that felt like? Finding out that the one person I loved most in this world had left me for someone else, and she never even had the decency to tell me goodbye? Even then, I never stopped loving you, wanting you—ever.”
Melanie’s face twisted in rage.
“How dare you,” she seethed, inching closer, her hands balled in tiny fists, “come in here and lie to me after all this time! If I wasn’t good enough for you, you should have just told me. It would have broken my heart to hear you say it, but you know I would have respected it...accepted it.” She stood inches from my face. “But to find her in
my
house...it was cruel, Daniel.” I could feel her anger dissipate, hurt taking its place. Her hands that had been fisted at her sides fisted in my shirt.
I stared down at her, my mouth hanging open as I tried to process what she was saying.
“Who?” I stuttered.
“Stephanie!” Melanie screamed.
My hands trembled at the mention of Stephanie’s name.
How the fuck did Melanie know about Stephanie? I reached out and grasped her upper arms, forcing her to look at me.
“Melanie, please.” I was begging, pure and simple. “That meant nothing. I was so broken after you left...I...I—”
“Broken after I left? I left?” she cried. “I never left you! I could never leave you...ever.” Her voice softened as she reached out and caressed my cheek. “You were everything to me, my life, my soul.” She removed her shaky hand, taking a step back, withdrawing from me.