The dream was real. Evan and I had really been chased by werewolves, and I was able to heal myself. Evan and I are in love. Fool heartedly in love. We were so much in love that we risked everything, including our own lives and the future of the empire to be together. It was so romantic.
I do realize one particular onerous element in our irrepressible desire to express our love to each other, privately. Our secrecy prompted our carelessness.
We elected to deprive our once powerful parents of knowing how much power Victor wielded. We were selfishly in love. We had behaved recklessly. We should have told our parents the truth. Perhaps, they would have been prepared for Victor.
Were my parents dead because I had broken the rules? A knot formed in my gut, and I was beside myself with guilt. We were both to blame. I had escaped blame by being in the future. Evan had not. It was obvious tonight during dinner. Apparently, Thaddeus blames Evan for how bad things have become.
Poor Evan. There was too much weight on his shoulders. He really needed me. I needed to remember my past in order to alleviate some of that stress.
I leafed through the journal. I wrote in it almost every day. I read the next few entries which pretty much stated the same. Evan and I were learning to use our powers. We continued to defy our parents and meet in the forest at nightfall. We challenged Apolluon vampires, werewolves, and somehow made it home alive in time for sunrise. It appeared to be a very necessary indulgence, in order to feel some sort of normalcy with the person you loved, in a world of evil which we were both unfortunately born into. I stretched my legs, and read more of the first journal. The next entry was disconcerting.
24, July 1888
Dearest Diary,
Daddy has decided to announce the merging of the two families at the Annual Masquerade Ball. Mother prefers a long engagement therefore the nuptials will not take place for a year or so. I’m both happy and sad. My love for Evan grows each day. Being able to talk to him regarding everything including the gifts we are acquiring is foremost the most comforting part of our relationship. He trusts me and I trust him. He doesn't feel threatened by my friendship with Gerald. Gerald is a true friend, a confidant. I enjoy his company immensely. This is why I’m sad. I've stopped reading Gerald’s thoughts so that I’m truly surprised when he says something witty and thought provoking. It’s nice to talk to someone who is not one of our kind, someone other than Bethany. She doesn’t know how to be objective about her brother. She also doesn’t like the idea of having friends who aren’t of Ischero divinity. Gerald and I met at his home today, and enjoyed lemonade over a refreshing conversation regarding his family in New York. We must always meet at his home because Mother won’t hesitate to remind me that it is inappropriate for a lady, who is set to marry, to have another gentleman caller. How ridiculous. Gerald isn’t a caller. He’s a friend. I only wished his grandmother would stop giving me harsh looks as if I should feel inferior. She is a wretched old thing. I utilize all of my strengths to not strike her with my bolt.
Wow. I closed my eyes, and reflected on what I had just read. I was shocked by so many things in that entry. First of all, I’m engaged to be married to Evan. I had to catch my breath. Whoa. I should have seen that one coming. I wish I could remember what led up to the proposal. Actually, I wish I could remember the proposal. I can't really see myself married now, at seventeen. But then again it’s normal for a girl my age to be married in this day and age. Married with children. Oh my goodness, I’m so not ready. Funny thing I’ve never heard anyone mention children. Obviously the Ischeros have children but it doesn’t look like they start that early. So now that I’m back, am I still expected to marry Evan?
Second, Bethany had lied. I had a friendship with Gerald Bergnum. She said that I had found him to be annoying, and never liked him. What I just read sounds hardly like what she described. Why would she lie about it? Only one thing came to mind. Maybe Bethany didn’t know of my friendship with Gerald. But then why did she yank me away the minute she saw him? Bethany must have believed that Gerald was a threat to her brother. Why would a friend be a threat? He wasn’t even an Ischero.
Well, I’m actually happy to know that he and I are friends – were friends. This also explains the way he looked at me. Like he had missed me, and was genuinely glad to see me again. More importantly he wasn't a part of this family. He was normal, human, a mortal, and I wrote that I liked that about him. How would I go about seeing Gerald? Would it be possible to visit him? I had to find a way. The sooner the better, I thought.
I couldn’t exactly show up at his house in the middle of the night. How can I escape this house during the day? I didn’t know, but I couldn’t stay in the dark any longer. I would like to meet with him tomorrow. Hmmm… that may be too soon. Suppose, Gerald starts mentioning specific events and occurrences, and I can't remember anything he's talking about.
Suppose I do?
Maybe he is the key to my memory. I must see Gerald. There has to be a way.
Bethany said that everyone in town, other than the Ischeros, believes that I went to France with my parents for studies. They also didn’t know of my parents’ death. It’s believed that my parents decided to stay abroad, while I returned home without them. I guess no one would think it odd since my father seemed to travel to France so often.
In a little less than an hour I was finished with the first journal, and still couldn’t remember anything. I wasn’t about to allow a pessimistic thought into my head. I plunged into the second diary.
2 September 1888
Dearest Diary,
I knew what was coming. I had sensed it as I chose the fabrics my seamstress required to construct my ball gown for the Halloween Masquerade Ball. I have to admit that I was slightly anxious, but I focused, and didn't show it. I made sure to exit out the back door, instead of the front of the mercantile, unbeknownst to the shopkeeper of course. Daddy had taught me well. I used all of my senses. But they had anticipated my strategy, and were waiting for me in the vacant alley between the mercantile and the cobbler’s shop. Three of Victor’s disciples, all new faces in his army. They greeted me with venom in their eyes. Rather confidently, they figured that I was outnumbered. They were wrong, and I never allowed them to strike their mark. The only dilemma was that I had to conjure up a reason as to why I was coming in from the alley therefore; I made the shopkeeper aware that I had just witnessed three dead males in his back alley by screaming innocently. The shopkeeper presumed that I accidentally ran into the three after they had their necks broken, and were left for dead by whoever had long fled the scene. The shopkeeper was horrified by the sight of the dead bodies, and blamed it on the band of outlaw cowboys who had recently begun terrorizing the townsfolk. He meant Victor’s army, unknowingly. Luckily, he didn’t appear to notice the tears in the embroidered fabric under my left sleeve, or ask any questions. I quickly boarded my carriage, and headed for home.
They were my first. I was no longer a virgin. What I've done today would be considered murder to some, yet I merely rid the earth of unwanted evil.
Heathen... monstrous... murderer
Heathen... monstrous... murderer
Heathen... monstrous... murderer
Bethany's words rang like cathedral bells in my skull because, this time it wasn’t ending immortality – an Apolluon vampire. These were mortals. Victor’s disciples were mortals who had been given secondary powers. They were people – human beings. I ran to the bathroom, and vomited. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I flushed my face with tepid water. When I looked at myself in the mirror, the girl in the reflection looked defeated – puffy red rimmed green eyes, quivering lips – and incapable of murder.
Who am I? I didn’t want to find out anymore.
I snuck back into my room, and I sobbed again. I wept for several reasons. I couldn’t believe that I was capable of killing another human being, regardless of what they had done or were about to do. Obviously I had it in me to… murder. I blubbered like a baby because, I couldn't change the past.
I also bawled because I knew I may soon be in a position to have to do it again. I didn't want to be a monster. What will happen to my soul?
I suddenly felt cold – freezing cold, like it was the middle of winter. I wrapped my arms around myself, and cracked opened the doors to the veranda to let in the warm night air.
“What the –?”
Just as I sat down on chaise lounge, and was about to reopen the second journal, I caught a glimpse of the back of someone’s head – short, bluntly cut blond hair – leaving my room through the French doors and out onto the veranda. I jumped up, and ran over to the doors, and stood in the doorway. A bitter, ice cold breeze whipped though my hair and petticoat. My teeth immediately began to chatter. I expected to see someone, a man possibly with blond hair, but I was alone on the balcony. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew that I saw someone… something.
Something must be disconnected between my eyes, and my brain to have conjured up something that freaky. Something was happening to me; maybe I’m visualizing things. I’m seeing things that aren’t really there. I went back inside, and shut the doors behind me. Strangely, the room was warm again.
The icy cold air that had just engulfed my room seemed to follow the person out onto the veranda. I knew that I hadn’t imagined the frostiness in the room. I shook of the strange feeling, and got back into bed. I pulled the covers up to my shoulders as if I was cozying up to a great novel. I wished that was the case. Being divine may not be all that it’s cracked up to be.
With great apprehension, to what else I may find out about myself, I proceeded to finish reading the journals.
3, September 1888
Dearest Diary,
Gerald and I picnicked today under Old Oak, where the valley meets the edge of the forest. I like visiting with Gerald. Our conversations are lively. As usual, he makes me laugh until my stomach aches. Everything was going wonderfully until he did the most unexpected, the most in appropriate and most shocking thing. He kissed me on my lips. It was delicious, and before I knew it, I returned the kiss. I was stunned with Gerald's improper behavior, and more so my own, and ran off and left him sitting there like a lump on a log, a very handsome lump. Oh goodness, I must stop. I feel like such a child for acting that way. Gerald must think so as well. How could Gerald put me in such an awkward position? Luckily we were alone. Everyone, including Gerald, knows that I’m engaged to marry Evan. If someone did see us, this could get back to Mother and Daddy, or worse Evan. They will believe Gerald and I kiss all the time. The last thing I need Gerald to think is that I truly enjoyed the kiss. My feelings for Gerald are changing, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don't want to lose his friendship, but more importantly, I don’t want to put my engagement to Evan in jeopardy. I will wait a few days, and then I will tell him that if he wants to continue our friendship, he must never act that way towards me again.
Whoa! Well that explains Bethany’s reaction to seeing Gerald today. Now I knew I had to meet him. And now I was more nervous of meeting with him then I was before. He seemed so pleased when we saw each other across the garden. I wondered just how close Gerald and I really got before I left. I read a few more entries, and had to stop reading when I read this one.
29 October 1888
Dearest Diary,
I received another letter today, hand delivered by Rutherford, Gerald's butler. It was another invitation for tea. It is customary, but not a requirement that I accept therefore, in hopes that my feelings will cease, I’ve avoided Gerald by not accepting his invitations. I continue to submerge myself in bringing my powers to full potential. I've spent a lot of time underground, beneath the mines, with Evan, Nikolas, Bethany, Julius, and Hedea, rigorously working to enhance our abilities. It’s the most promising distraction and essential as our enemies increase their threats. I’m becoming more and more powerful –
controlling living things within my presence, reading minds, shape shifting into any living thing. Strength without bounds is mediocre to what I will someday be capable of, yet I cannot control my feelings for Gerald. I must admit, I dread what is happening. I’m utterly powerless when it comes to my growing affection for Gerald, and the mounting emotions of betrayal I'm burdened with for Evan. I want it to be as it was. Evan and I are meant to be.
My feelings for Gerald must subside. This time I accepted Gerald’s invitation. Tomorrow I will tell him that my heart belongs to Evan, and that we will never be together. I hate having to break his heart. Although my strengths have matured, I doubt that I will have enough to do so.
In my life, in this time, I’m in love with two boys. I thought about Evan, the boy that I still don’t feel that I know. The little I do know about him, I’ve based on his actions toward me. I believe that Evan would be devastated if he knew that I was in love with someone else. I don’t remember Gerald a bit, but considering what I’ve read, I would guess that he may be in love with me too. I feel awfully depressed for a boy I don’t remember ever knowing. I continued reading with the entry that was written the next day.
30 October 1888
Dearest Diary,
I tried to tell Gerald that I felt nothing but a friendly fondness for him, and that we could only be friends, but the words wouldn't come out. The moment I walked into the Bergnum’s estate and saw his handsome face, appearing relieved to see me, the words I had rehearsed a hundred times this morning in front of the vanity, were never spoken. My lips failed me. Gerald admits to being in love with me. He asked me how I felt about him. I thought I knew, but when I was asked the question, instead of lying to him, and telling him that I felt nothing at all, I kissed him. My heart opened up, and I forgot about Evan, my beautiful Evan, who didn’t exist at that moment. I’m so lost in my emotions. Do I really love Evan if I spent the better part of my afternoon hidden in the barn kissing Gerald? Perhaps, I love them both. I’m so confused. How could I be so selfish? I’m supposed to marry Evan. Yes. That is what I want. We are destined to each other. So much depends on our union. We will do great things together. I want that very much. Yet, when I’m with Gerald, I feel like a different person. Demons lurking, waiting for an opportunity to kill me, don’t exist when I’m with Gerald. I don’t feel the need to have my senses heightened when I’m with Gerald. I feel so free, without a care in the world. I feel like a normal young woman, if only for a few hours. I never realized how much I needed that. I don’t want an awkward situation at the Halloween Masquerade Ball tomorrow evening therefore, I must see Gerald beforehand.