The last pages I read were spotted with dried, circle shaped water marks. I must have been crying as I wrote that last entry. Even though I don’t remember the experience of being caught in a love triangle, I could somehow relate to what I must have gone through then. I’m the same person then, as I’m now, laying here reading this journal. If it were now, my heart would be torn between Evan and Gerald, simply because I hated being the cause of someone else’s pain. I sniffled and wiped away the tears that streamed down my cheeks now. Oddly, I couldn’t help feeling somehow emotionally attached to both Evan and Gerald. Yet, I still don’t remember being with either of them.
31 October 1888
Dearest Diary,
I cried myself to sleep last night. I wept because of the pain I knew I would inflict on Gerald. I’m a coward. I sent him a letter rather than meet with him.
I knew that if I met with him, and saw his face, I may never have said the words that I planned to say. The letter will hurt him. If he truly loves me as he said over and over again the day before, then he will indeed accept my position, and stay away. If he loves me then he will understand that he and I are not meant to share our lives together. I doubt that he will attend the Masquerade Ball tonight after reading the letter. A piece of my heart is breaking now as a piece broke when I wrote the letter. Something else happened. I didn’t realize when I kissed Gerald as I left the barn, that I was being watched. Bethany can be as stubborn as a mule. She promises to tell Evan what she saw if Gerald and I see each other again. I can’t and don’t blame her for being harsh. I know that she means well, and wants to protect her brother, our future, and ultimately the empire. I told her about the letter. It seemed to placate her. I don't want to lose Evan. I also don’t want to defy my parents and go against what is expected of me as an empress. I love Evan, deeply. That is my reason for ending my friendship with Gerald, not because Bethany threatened to tell. My marriage to Evan is far too important.
Hopefully I will stop crying over Gerald someday. Sadly, my powers are useless for heartache.
I was a woman, not a girl. Bethany had it right about being an adult at an early age. I was so in love with Evan, his strength, his valor, the ancient bond we shared, and his tenderness toward me. I wanted to marry him because it was what we were destined to do, yet I couldn’t help being human and falling in love with a close friend.
How do you stop yourself from falling in love? I had undoubtedly fallen in love with Gerald. I don't understand how or why but it happened to two people that could not be together. It made sense that I would treasure the normalcy Gerald offered. With Gerald, I could enjoy the simple things that life had to offer. I didn't have to think about the realm of evil that I was surrounded by. I was an adult because I had a tough choice to make and I made the right one, I think. Clearly, I did not love Gerald enough to leave Evan. Evan was my soul mate. Perhaps Gerald was the test.
I flew through the second diary and was now beginning the third.
1 January 1889
Dearest Diary,
The gods are shining on me once again. I’m growing stronger; Zeus has anointed me with strength and dominance as he has in the past to the chosen emperors and empresses before me. Mother and Daddy say that I will be ready soon. Ready to reign when my parents are no longer able too. I spoke with Athena again last night. She came to me as she always does when I need her. She always provides the most divine wisdom. I hope that Hera is not jealous. I didn’t seek her advice, although she is the goddess of marriage. I felt Athena would relate best regarding the choice I had to make between Evan and Gerald. I’m ready to marry Evan now. Our wedding is set for early spring. Evan seems as delighted as I am. We will be married twice, once amongst my empire through the anointment of Zeus, and a second time so that it can be recognized amongst the mortals. Mother says it’s necessary that the residents of Nickel City see that we are one of them. I don’t see why it’s necessary when we have the power to Glamour their thoughts. One look in the eyes or a whisper in the ear and we assess their thoughts, and then Glamour them into believing what we wish or doing what we command. Mother is busily making the event the most sought after invitation in all of Nickel City's history and among its aristocracy. Secretly, I believe both she and Alexandria simply love throwing the grandest of galas. I personally can do without all of the festivities. I just want to be Evan's wife, finally. Mother and I spent the afternoon picking the fabric for my wedding gown. She can be so pretentious when it comes to deciding on a selection of fabric. Although it was my wedding gown, I couldn't prevent her from making all the choices. On occasion she would allow me to voice my opinion but in the end, nine times out of ten it was her opinion that prevailed. She was enjoying the planning too much. At midnight Evan and I kissed to welcome in the New Year.
It was wonderful. We promised to love and protect each other forever. Afterwards, and only momentarily, my mind drifted to Gerald. I wondered how he was and who he was kissing this New Year’s night. I couldn't help thinking of him. A part of me hoped that he wasn’t alone while another part of me was suddenly jealous of the idea of him kissing someone else. Of course, that was the selfish part of me. It has been three months since Gerald and I have formally spoken. He never responded to my letter. I had asked him not to, and he had obeyed my wishes. I see him once in a while when I’m in the front garden, and he looks away, pretending not to see me at all. Obviously, he is still hurting, or he wouldn’t put an effort in ignoring me. It pains me as well.
He still has a portion of my heart. I just wish we could Glamour a mortals deepest emotions. That would certainly solve my dilemma with Gerald. I wish that I could Glamour him to fall out of love with me.
I was in tears. It was all so amazing, and I didn’t know where to begin. I had been all of fourteen when I fell in love with two boys who had fallen in love with me. Was that too young to fall in love, or know what love is? How young had Juliet been when she fell in love with Romeo? Just fourteen. I guess love didn’t discriminate when it came to age, or between mortals and immortals. The emotions I had felt, and experiences I had gone through were intense and had changed aged me emotionally.
By the time I finished reading the third diary, I learned that I spent a lot of time with Evan and spent a lot of time thinking about Gerald. I read about all the ways I plotted to avoid Gerald, like rearranging my riding schedule, and trips to town. I felt so guilty around Evan, and awful of the decision I was forced to make, even though I believed it to be the right one.
In the life I actually remembered living; I had never really had a boyfriend. I had lived a completely different life in the future. Now that I think of it. No matter who I liked, or who liked me, we could never find the time to date. I just believed that it wasn’t meant to be. That’s what Bethany would say when I explained to her how all my dates never worked out. Possibly, that’s what the family had planned all along; no chance of a relationship between me, and another boy. Just how much control over me, and my life does the family really have? It is imperative that I find out.
During the memorable two years I have been away, Evan’s love for me never died. He was devoted to me, and clearly understood what our union would bring; the merging of the two most powerful families and infinite power. While I’ve been gone, Gerald believed that I went to France. I felt compelled to meet with Gerald. I felt very apprehensive as well. I had no idea how he felt about me now. I wished that I could remember what I had written in the letter. I wasn't sure if I would be able to talk to him without a morsel of a memory of him other than what I just read.
The part about changing the thoughts of mortals, Glamouring, was incredible. If I had a nickel for every time I’d wished I possessed the power to alter another person’s mind, I’d be knee deep in nickels.
I continued with the last of the journals, and discovered that there’ve been more attacks on several of the families. Victor was building an army of disciples to be reckoned with. He promised total destruction if the families didn’t concede their powers. He was relentless. The gods were watching, but wouldn’t intervene as Thaddeus had explained. Hades’ Apolluon were becoming more aware of our aura. They knew something was here, something powerful. Victor’s exploits were leading them right to us. More and more corpses were found in the forest, in the valley, and around town. They were devoured by ravenous werewolves, panthers, and by the Apolluon vampires. The presence of the Apolluon was becoming evident with every ravaged body, as if their antennas had been raised with every display of power.
The final entry was written the night before a big party was scheduled for my fifteenth birthday. More than half of the journal was empty following that last entry. It’s now four in the morning, and I needed some sleep. At this late hour, or should I say early hour, I doubt I would get much. I searched for a clever place in my room to hide the diaries. I tucked them beneath a stack of petticoats in one of the drawers of my dresser for now until I could think of a better place.
I decided it was time and sat at my desk. I opened the drawer where my personalized monogrammed stationary was kept, and began to write my note. I just couldn't put it off any longer, Gerald and I had to meet. I believe it’s going to take someone from outside of this house to charge my memory, and give it a little boost.
But what would I say to him? I just can’t go up to him and say: “Hey Gerald, did ya miss me? I don’t remember a darn thing about you, but say, do you know anything about me being a demigod?”
Yeah, I didn’t think so either.
My mind was spinning with scenarios of what would happen when I met with him. The possibilities were endless. First of all, Gerald doesn't know the truth about the families. Second, I don't know how he feels about my leaving to go to France without even saying goodbye. Maybe this isn't such a great idea. Who am I kidding? I don’t have a choice. I have to meet with Gerald.
I decided to keep the note short. I struggled with the ink and pen, which looked more like an artist’s paint brush. It was difficult at first. I dug the razor
sharp point of the pen into the paper and tore it a little. This happened a few times until I figured out the correct way to hold the pen. Finally, after several attempts, I began to write fluidly without tearing the page.
My hand shook with every word I wrote. I scribbled a variation of the same message on several sheets of stationary before I was finally confident with one. I planned to have it hand delivered to Gerald at his home tomorrow. In the note, I basically ask that Gerald and I meet for tea at his home. I’m sure he would reply immediately, since that was considered proper etiquette.
What if he didn't reply? Worse, what if he said screw etiquette, and didn't accept my invitation? What do I do then? I felt a knot forming in the pit of the core of my belly. He had to accept. Right now, I couldn't contemplate the idea of Gerald not accepting my invitation. I suppose it all depends on how hurt he felt when I didn't say good–bye. If he only knew what was really going on. Ha! I should be so lucky to know.
The only promising aspect is that he didn't appear angry when Bethany and I saw him on the veranda. He had actually waved to us. We had been the rude ones. Gerald must have thought it to be since etiquette was the rage. He probably thought I had no interest in him. Obviously that’s what Bethany was going for. She didn’t want me near him.
Gerald was dangerous.
He wasn’t dangerous the way Victor and the Apolluon were, but in her eyes Gerald was lethal to the union between Evan and I. He was a direct threat.
After reading my journals, and finding out the secret relationship Gerald and I had developed, I knew that it was crucial that we meet. Gerald may be vital in unlocking my memory.
I tucked the note in the drawer with the rest of my stationary and finally went to bed.
Fifteen
Morning Ride
The bold rays of the sun flooded into my room, and made the floating dust particles resemble a glistening mist, while the lace curtains of my windows danced in the early morning breeze. I didn’t know what time it was, but it was too early. This morning I found myself in the midst of a deep depression.
Worse than the funk I woke up in yesterday, when I was still in the future, and realized that I hadn’t had the dream. Today I didn’t wake up to find that it had all been a terribly dreadful dream. Nope. I had truly forgotten where I was until Sun Paw nudged me awake.
My vision was blurry, and I had thought that she was an angel, or some kind of apparition, or my mom until I saw her pretty tanned face. I figured I was still asleep, and that she was part of a dream that I was having at the moment. Then I felt the light pressure of her shoving my shoulder in that annoying way that makes you want to throw something at the person who’s poking you. My vision began to clear like the fog had finally lifted its veil before my eyes. Once I saw Sun Paw’s face, sort of smiling yet concerned, reality slapped me hard enough to make my teeth rattle. All that had happened the day before came rushing back, fast and brutally. It was all real and my gut wrenched and twisted.
I looked around my large bedroom, and it suddenly felt like it was shrinking. Victorian furniture seemed to be closing in on me as the room began to spin. The paintings hanging on the walls looked like they were in 3D, and all the photographs appeared to be glaring at me suspiciously. My head was spinning in the opposite direction of the vortex of the room. I rushed passed Sun Paw, and ran into the bathroom, nearly banging myself into the molding on the way there, to vomit.
Sun Paw stood beside me, and held my hair back as I rinsed my face in the bathroom sink. I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror as well as Sun Paw’s reflection. She looked sad. She left me alone for a while.
Yes it was too early. It was too early for someone who had spent the early part of the night prowling around an abandoned mansion, barely escaping a gruesome death by the fangs of blood thirsty Apolluon vampires. After that, I guess staying up to read four journals for the better part of the night wasn’t very smart either, but necessary. After all that I had seen the day before, one thing was pretty clear, this was anything but the life of an average teenager.