Between Dreams (5 page)

Unintentionally, I made the first move when my hand automatically shot up towards my necklace, gripping the emerald as it lay gracefully on my skin. His eyes followed my hands and stayed focused on my pendant until I began feeling uncomfortable.
Thank God I retained my professional demeanor.

“Sir, can I take that from you?” I asked, nodding toward the grocery basket he was holding in his pale hands.

He remained frozen.

Wordless.

Those piercing green eyes staring intently at my necklace.

“Sir?” I said a little louder. He must have heard me this time and he gave me a questioning look.

I smiled slightly and gestured to his groceries, “Your basket?”

This was fun.

“Oh, of course,” he replied as he placed his basket on the belt.

I refrained from rolling my eyes and began emptying the contents onto the belt. Nothing bothered me more than a snooty customer too lazy to empty their own groceries from the basket. I unloaded a loaf of whole wheat bread, lunch meat, and tomatoes. I scanned and bagged them all into one paper sack. I could feel those green eyes on me but I was too embarrassed to look up. By this time I was over the fact that the poor man couldn’t even unload his own grocery basket and my thoughts drifted back to his looks. He was so handsome, and he reminded me so much of the man in my dreams.

That’s just crazy, Sidney!

“Okay, that will be $10.81,” I said, forcing myself to look up and meet those eyes.

He made no gesture to get out his wallet and instead rested his elbow on the check writing table, placing his chin on his hand.

The young man looked right through me and said seductively, “That’s a pretty necklace you’re wearing.”

His comment instantly reminded me of Lilly, who had said those same words just weeks before. I swallowed down the sour taste of jealousy in my mouth and flashed him a forced smile.

“Thank you,” I replied.

My hand reflectively shot up to the pendant once again, gripping it tightly, protecting it from his intrusive eyes. Still waiting for payment, I tried to focus on anything besides this gorgeous man taking up time in my line for no apparent reason. I could feel the fire of crimson burning deeply into my cheeks. All I wanted to do was take my lunch break, run into the backroom, and hide.

“Did you buy it around here, maybe at one of those antique shops downtown?”

Of course I loved the necklace because it had belonged to my mother, but for a guy to be so intrigued by it was strange. There were plenty of prettier necklaces in this world and girls these days wanted something new and shiny from the jewelers at the local mall. If he was thinking of buying a gift for his girlfriend, I doubt my pendant would be her first choice.

“No. It belonged to my mother, it’s a family heirloom.” I smiled.

His eyes instantly shot up to mine. He stared into them as if searching for something. I gazed back into his translucent pupils that reflected so brightly, even in the dimly lit store.

Finally Bob came out of the backroom, immediately breaking our trance. Relieved for the distraction, I shouted over to him. “Hey Bob, how about my lunch?” I asked, desperate to escape this awkward encounter.

He nodded and I flipped my light off. Looking back at the creepy, cute guy at my register, I repeated. “That will be $10.81, sir.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a twenty. I gave him his change and he left, glancing back at me a few times as he exited the store.
I rushed to the backroom, closed the door behind me, and let out a huge sigh of relief.

My god, that guy reminded me of the man in my dream. I had so much adrenaline pumping through my veins I could no longer eat. I paced back and forth in the small, bleak room. As I reached into my purse in search of my phone, Chrissy burst through the heavy white door and entered the break room.

She was just about to begin her shift and I had never been so happy to see her in my life. Chrissy always balanced me and brought a sense of normalcy into my being which, in the moment, I desperately needed. We hadn’t had much of a chance to talk since I’d returned from L.A. and now she stood in front of me with her big hazel eyes, demanding that I spill all.

I shrugged my shoulders and sat down in a bright orange seat that reminded me of the chairs in elementary school. All of the giddiness I had from the strange encounter slowly left my body as Chrissy brought me back to reality.

“What do you want me to say, Chrissy, that you were right when you said I should have accepted that scholarship? Well, you were, okay?”

She sat down next to me and placed her hand on my knee as she leaned forward, her eyes full of sincerity. “I don’t want to be right, Sidney. You’re my best friend and I can’t even believe what that jerk did.”

She sat up straight and pressed her back against the chair as she raised her eyebrows. “I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised or anything, but still. It pisses me off. I hate Ray for what he’s done to you.”

Trying to lighten the mood, I changed the subject.

I sat up and flashed Chrissy a sneaky smile. “On another note, the hottest guy ever just came through my line. He had the most beautiful green eyes I have ever laid witness to.”

That statement demanded Chrissy’s full attention. She stood up and exclaimed, “What, you mean ol’ faithful’s looking at another guy? Whoa, L.A. must have been harsher than I suspected.”

She pulled a pair of gold hoop earrings out of her purse and placed them on her ears.

Even in her work clothes, she still managed to look like a Hollywood starlet with her blonde hair pulled tightly into a bun on top of her head and her face perfectly painted.

I glanced at the mirror placed in the far corner of the break room and compared my reflection to Chrissy. My dull brown hair falling out of the loosely tied bun I had carefully constructed that morning. No matter how hard I tried, I could never achieve the perfect hair that came so easily for my best friend. She was so lucky.

I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. It read 5:23 p.m. “Time to get back to the grind,” I told her as I stood up and headed towards the door.

“Wait,” Chrissy objected as she stepped in front of the door, barricading my path. “You’ve been flaking on me since your grandma returned from the hospital, and I’m not taking no for an answer. You still owe me for helping you clean that god awful space you call a closet. Your birthday is on Saturday. Let’s go out and celebrate. We’ll get all dolled up and go dancing.”

Ray and I had birthdays that were one month apart. He had been held back in elementary school, making him a year older than myself.

“Sure,” I said, forcing a smile as I accepted Chrissy’s invitation.

Dressing up and dancing all night was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do. I’d rather cuddle up in bed and dream about Mr. Right, but I knew social protocol would be to accept her invitation and celebrate my nineteenth birthday as any teenager normally would.

I threw my phone back in my purse before I realized I had forgotten to check to see if Ray had called me.

For the first time in three years I’d completely forgotten about him. I retrieved my phone and swiped the screen. There was one text from Ray.

Thinking of you. Always.

I rolled my eyes and tossed the phone back in my purse.
You’re gonna have to try harder than that,
I thought as I swung my purse over my shoulder and headed back out to register eleven.

Chapter Five

You’re Not Sorry

This was not how I had envisioned my life after high school. I had so many dreams and aspirations as I began my journey into adulthood. I’d gladly given them all up to follow Ray and I knew I would have been happy doing so had I continued down that path with him.

Now as I sat in the old Stickley chair in Granny’s sterile room I began to feel resentment towards her. If only she hadn’t gotten sick. Why did she have to punish me so? She had lived a full and happy life, and just as it was
my
turn she’d somehow managed to prevent me from doing the same.

I’d just finished reading the remainder of
Wuthering Heights
to her and now, as I often did after finishing a classic romance novel, I sat in solitude with a bittersweet feeling as the characters in the book had completed their roles. They had bowed out mysteriously, leaving the reader to wonder about the next chapter in their lives. Today, this caused me to reflect on mine.

I always enjoyed escaping my realities by delving into a good book but I hated the overwhelming sadness that flooded me when I finished it. That feeling of being thrust back into the harsh reality of the real world reminded me my fictional hiding place had been laid bare.

I’d been out of school for ten months and here I was, still stuck in the town I despised taking care of my elderly grandmother. I had thought I would enroll at the community college as a part time student but between work and caring for Granny, there just wasn’t enough time. I could feel the life being sucked right out of me as each day passed in the same way as the last.

Today was my nineteenth birthday and I already felt like a middle-aged woman drowning in a sea of lost dreams.

It was in moments like these I often meditated on the idea that Ray was right—I should have stayed in L.A. with him. I didn’t see why Nouri couldn’t do this job on her own. After all, Dr. Kyle continued to tell me Granny doesn’t hear me, so what would have been the difference anyway? She would never know if I was here or there.

As I watched the rhythm of Granny’s chest slowly move up and down, it created a calming effect within me which allowed me to further reflect on the loving parent she had always been to me.

I remembered when I was five years old she had thrown me the most delectable tea party a little girl could ask for. The backyard was set up with fancy round tables draped with beautiful pink linens, joined with all of my closest friends and our favorite stuffed animals.

Granny had never let one day pass where she didn’t make me feel special. She was the best mother anyone could ask for and as I remembered her devotion to me I felt deeply ashamed for my earlier insensitivity. I realized I had to hold onto something that Granny always believed in.

Faith.

I had to have faith that she would wake up someday and smile at me. When she did, she would see I was right there with her. That I had never left her side.

And as usual, my mind drifted back to Ray.

So many nights, we had lain in bed together talking about the future. Our prospects had always sounded so promising. But it had always centered on Unspoken Words
.
All of our plans were built on this one dream. It was as if I were living in the shadows of
his
world. Never once did he wonder what would happen if my dream of becoming a track star would come true. Then when it did, it no longer mattered because his dream had also materialized and his was more important.

As I reflected on my feelings in the white room, I came to the conclusion that it was no one’s fault but my own that I had remained here. Similar to Catherine, the main character in the story I had just read, I had made the fateful decisions that had emotionally imprisoned me. I had chosen to place Ray’s dreams in front of my own and then I had added another layer when I had chosen to place Granny in front of Ray.

Things were slowly beginning to fall back into my sad song of Ray putting everyone else ahead of me. But to be fair, he was up to his ears in music. With the band’s song climbing higher and higher to the top of the charts, he and the boys had gained more exposure than ever before and the label was taking full advantage of that. Every possession that was given to them earlier was now expected to be paid back tenfold. He had no time to be worried about the state of our relationship.

Every time I’d call he would be busy recording or in a meeting. It seemed like a decade had passed since the last time we had just sat and talked about nothing on the phone. Every conversation lately had been about his latest single that I couldn’t stand listening to because it drove me crazy. I hated the song now that the tabloids were dubbing it our pre-breakup song—obviously concluding I was not worth the wait.

I consoled myself by reasoning that the faster he did his work there, the sooner he could come home to me. Once he returned, his insipid lyrics would no longer matter. They were just a snapshot of a moment in time when he had decided to reflect on his feelings. They would mean nothing when he returned to my arms. The lease to that mansion was up in June and I anxiously waited for Ray to return.

My phone rang. His ears must have been burning with my thoughts of him because it was Ray.
I stared at the caller I.D. as it continued to ring. I desperately wanted to give him a dose of his own medicine and forward his call to voicemail but I missed his carefree voice. Giving in, I answered on the fourth ring.

“Hey Sid, happy birthday,” he cooed

I smiled because he remembered and thanked him.

There was an awkward pause.

“How’s your granny?”

His sensitivity shocked me. Ray never cared to ask about my granny’s condition. In fact he resented the fact that she was still alive and breathing. I suddenly began to believe he really was trying to change. Maybe he hadn’t strayed so far from the man he used to be. Maybe there was still a chance to salvage our broken relationship. Maybe there was still hope for us.

“She’s the same. There hasn’t been much of a change with her,” I answered.

“I really wanted to make my way up there but you know how it’s been, crazy busy. We have a show to do at one of the local clubs in Hollywood tonight so there was just no way I could sneak away.” He took a deep breath. “Maybe I can use that credit card Rene gave me and fly you down here for the night.”

The invitation sounded forced. As much as I wanted to jump at his offer, it didn’t sound sincere.

Besides, the last memory I had of that mansion was of him and Lilly. One happy couple. If I was going down there, it would be to burn his mattress with Lilly on it.

“As fun as that sounds, I’ve already made plans with Chrissy. She already bought an outfit and everything, so I’m pretty much committed.”

We both laughed, thinking of Chrissy and her shallow ways. “You better watch out, Sid, I’m sure she’ll try to pair you up with a doctor if you’re not careful,” he said with a tiny bit of seriousness.

“I’d never trade my hot musician boyfriend for some pretentious doctor. Unless I had cancer or something. Then I might consider it, being that he might be able to save my life and all,” I joked back.

We laughed as we imagined me, bald and ailing, on the arm of a handsome doctor. Ray had a gift of brightening my day.

“I’m glad you called tonight.”

It had actually felt like the old days. He really had just called to talk. Knowing how busy he had been the past few weeks, it warmed my heart to know he had set aside some time for this conversation.

“I’ll always call you on your birthday, Sid, no matter where I am. I’d pay my last dollar to hear your voice.”

That was the Ray I had always known. That was the Ray I had fallen in love with. So genuine and caring.

“By the way, I saw that article about you in
A.P.
”

He sounded a bit surprised. “Those journalists don’t know what they’re talking about. I guess it’s the price I pay for always writing about my feelings.”

Another long pause while I thought of the words I wanted to carefully construct. “Do you still feel that way, the way you felt when you wrote that song?” I whispered as I closed my eyes, afraid to hear the answer.

“If I did, would I be on the phone with you right now?” he countered.

A smile the size of Texas slowly spread across my face.

“It’s just a song, Sid, about a specific way I was feeling at one moment in time. It didn’t sum up my feelings for you—no one song ever could.”

I heard some shuffling noises in the background as voices began shouting at Ray to get off the phone. The drums began playing loudly and for one second I thought I heard a woman’s voice in the background asking if he was ready to go. I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared into the screen in disbelief. I wished he had called me on Skype. I put the phone back to my ear and questioned him in an accusatory manner; “Are you with Lilly?”

“No,” he shouted back. “You’ve really gotta stop this, Sid. I’m with the roadies backstage trying to get the instruments tuned and ready for the sound check. Remember the show I told you about two seconds ago?” He explained.

I wanted to believe him but something in the pit of my stomach was screaming at me not to.

“Look, Sid. I’m really busy here. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.”

In the blink of an eye, Ray had reverted back to his old callous self. Again I heard a woman’s voice echoing in the background, this time giggling.

“I know she’s there with you. I think it’s time for me to go out and have some fun.”

“What in the hell does that mean, Sid?”

“Two can play this game.”

“I called you because I missed you on your birthd—”

“Yeah, thanks for ruining it. Goodbye, Ray!”

I slammed my thumb against the end button, disconnecting our call as I threw the phone across the room. Luckily the phone had a pretty sturdy case and survived my brutal attack.

I sat there seething in silence. Had it really only been one month since that fateful visit to Ray’s mansion? A mere thirty days and he’s already yelling at me to get over his affair with the beautiful redhead.

I rose from the chair in Granny’s room and went to retrieve my hapless phone. I didn’t know if Ray had honestly ended things with Lilly but tonight was my birthday and I refused to allow him the power to ruin it.

Instead of pouting, I texted Chrissy.

Are you ready
?

Stuffing the phone in my back pocket, I quickly kissed Granny goodnight before heading upstairs to get ready for the evening.

I opened my closet, searching through the bunched up hangers as I scrambled for something to wear. It was virtually impossible to sort through the cluster of clothes in that tiny, dark closet. No wonder Granny always used it to store boxes. Hanging clothes in there proved to be a very cruel joke. The space was no bigger than a coat closet.

I had just gotten done running a five-mile trek and didn’t feel like changing out of my running clothes. I was wearing my gray and pink sweatpants and a black spaghetti strapped tank top. I looked outside my bedroom window for a quick weather report. The sun was going down but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. It didn’t look as if the weather would change much but I didn’t know how long I would be out.
I grabbed my matching hoodie just to be safe. Throwing it on, I glanced in the mirror.

I knew Chrissy would be completely appalled when she saw my wardrobe selection, but I didn’t care. I wanted to be comfortable and it was
my
birthday, dammit.

My hair was pulled back into a ponytail from my earlier run. Any makeup I had on my face had long been washed away by my perspiration. I grabbed my water bottle and looked down at the water mark it had left on the dresser. I thought how angry Granny would be to see it.

Gulping down what was left in the bottle I quickly grabbed my eyeliner and applied a thick layer to my top lid and fish-tailed it out a bit to give my eyes a little more length. I hated the small almond-shape of my eyes. I wished they were big and innocent looking like Chrissy’s.

I took one more glance at my reflection in the mirror as I laughed at my King Tut look with all that eyeliner. My phone chimed with a message notification. I opened the text.

Chrissy: Ready. Come get me.

I grabbed the truck keys and headed towards the garage. On my way, I ran into Nouri, who was outside wearing a straw hat to shield her from the evening sun as she pruned the rose bushes. She looked over at me and smiled. “Happy Birthday, Sidney. You go out with a handsome doctor tonight?”

I laughed. “Nouri, he doesn’t have to be rich or a doctor, just nice-looking.”

She opened her big brown eyes as wide as she could and looked around the yard. “Go out, meet nice rich man and bring him back for me to meet.”