Between Now and Goodbye (27 page)

'Are you really sure that you want to leave, though?' Libby asks, 'It's so far away from everyone you know.'

'Yeah, I know, but you know me. I make friends easily.' I smile, 'Before long I'll rule the school, and of course I'll keep in touch with everyone from here. It's just a new adventure, one which I'm so excited to get started on. I can't even begin to tell you how excited this makes me. I mean, it's France.'

'It does sound pretty amazing.' Libby admits.

'You should come too.' I say suddenly, 'Oh think how amazing it would be, and you know that France is an amazing place to live if you want to be a chef.'

'Yeah,' she laughs, and tuition to the school probably costs about as much as this house.'

'It's not quite that bad.' I roll my eyes. Sometimes I forget that my two closest friends are closer to destitute that they are to rich.

'Still, it's more than my family could ever even consider.' Libby replies. 'Besides, I wouldn't want to move out of home, and this is your adventure, not mine.'

'I guess so.' I smile, 'Will you guys miss me?'

'Of course.' Libby replies.

'How about you Charles?'

'It'll be strange not having you around here.' He nods, 'You're a good friend, I've known you so long.'

'So you'll miss me?'

'Yeah,' he nods, 'I'll miss you. Make sure you keep in touch, ok?'

'Yeah of course.' I smile a little hesitantly. He can't be over me, it's not right. He's just putting on a brave face. It's only been like a couple of weeks since I ended things.

I look around the little room that Libby shares with her sister, in search of a place to sit, but every surface is covered in photographs.
Loads of hot air balloons, the sky, and Charles' family. The bed around where Charles is sitting, the floor around Libby, and all over Pippa's bed, all covered. 'What is all this?' I ask, waving my hand around the bedroom which is actually smaller than my closet.

'Oh,' Libby smiles broadly up at me, 'we're working on a project for Char's mom. See, each year about this time, their family rented out that cabin by the lake in Arizona. Usually they go there for a couple of weeks, only this year she's not really up to the drive. So we thought we'd do our best to bring it to her.'

'It was Libby's idea,' Charles adds, 'we're finding all the pictures we can that were taken there, and we're printing them off and gathering them together. Then when I take my mom to the hospital for her appointment later. Libby, Pippa and my brothers and sisters, are going to decorate my mom's room with all of the photos. We've found some great ones of a hot air balloon festival we saw one year.'

'Along with
the photos, we're getting out some little mementos of the cabin. Things that they've bought there over the years. We're going to try our very best to make it feel like she's there.'

'Wow, that's...' I don't know what to say. It seems like a waste of time to me. Putting up photos isn't going to make up for the fact that she can't be there. I know that it would be the wrong thing to say though, 'that's ambitious.' I settle on.

'It's not really that ambitions. It's just putting up some photos and things. Besides, it's the least we can do since she can't go to the lake this year.' Libby starts working through some photos again. 'You could help if you wanted.'

'Oh, I totally would, but I've got my own little project that I'm working on. I'm actually about to go and meet Carly, because we have an end of summer deadline, and summer just seems to be rushing past. It'll be worth it though if we pull it off, which you know me,' I smile, 'I don't give up until I get what I want. So I'll just see you guys later. You're still coming over tonight, right Libby?'

'Yeah.' She nods, 'I'll be there at around eight.'

'Great, ok then.' I smile, 'Bye Charles.' I smile at him.

'Bye Julie.' He looks up from his laptop, smiles, but not in the way he used to and then goes back to working on his project.

I turn away from the room and walk out, heading back down the steps and out of the house. I don't know what's gotten into Charles. He couldn't have moved on from me in such a short time. He's supposed to be pining after me, and instead he seems fine. Normal.

I'll have to fix that.

Thirty Four – Libby

The surprise for Charles' mom went amazingly well. She loved it, her eyes filled with tears and she smiled brighter than I've seen her smile in a really long time. She's sitting on her bed now with all of her kids around her, and I'm feeling a little bit like an intruder. I catch Charles' eye quickly, smile and mouth that I'm going to leave them alone. He slips from his mom's side, giving her a quick kiss and saying he'll be right back, and then he follows me out of the room.

He doesn't say anything until we're out in his front yard, and then he stops me and I turn to face him. Something isn't right.

'Char?'

'The appointment today,' he shakes his head, 'it wasn't what we hoped.'

'Oh Char I'm so sorry.' I sit him down on the front step of his house, sit next to him and wait for him to tell me more. I can tell that he's struggling with this, his hands are clenching and unclenching like he wants to hit something. I don't blame him. She's not even my mom, and I haven't known her all that long, but I frequently want to hit something when I think about what she's had to go through.

'The chemotherapy hasn't shrunk the tumor at all, they can't operate.'

'So what now?' I ask. My hand resting on his forearm until it relaxes under my touch.

'They're doing chemotherapy. They're still hoping that it'll shrink it and they'll be able to operate. My mom's so scared to keep going on the chemotherapy, because it's making her so sick, and...Libs, I don't know how to fix this.'

'You can't.' I say feeling my own tears building up. 'That's one of the worst parts about things like this, you can't fix it because there's no control to be had.'

'I feel like I'm so powerless. No matter how much I look out for her, watch the kids, clean the house. No matter how much I do, none of it will matter because I can't fix her.' He's crying openly now. 'What's the point in taking care of everything? If she doesn't make it, everything is going to fall apart anyway, and there's no way I'll be able to hold it together.'

'Yes, you will.' I say firmly, brushing away my own tears so that I can be strong for him, 'Look at me Char.' I say, he doesn't turn his head, so I crouch in front of him, taking his hands in mine. 'Char, you do make a difference and you will hold it together, because you love your family and they love you and you're not alone.'

'Each time we go to the hospital, we start out so hopeful, and then each time it's no change. I can't deal with no change.'

'Char is it getting worse? Is the tumor any bigger?' I ask him, grabbing onto whatever little shred of hope I can find to pull him back. I see him look up and his eyes meet mine. The hurt in them is almost more than I can take. I swallow down the urge to cry, and keep his eyes locked on mine. 'Char, is it getting worse?'

'It's the same.' He says.

'Then that's good news, it's hope at least. The chemotherapy isn't working to shrink it yet, but that doesn't mean that it won't work. She's strong, and she's got so much to fight for. She has you and your brothers and sisters, and she's not going to give any of that up without a pretty hefty fight. So you can't give up either.' I say it firmly, even though my voice wavers a little in the middle.

'I don't know how I'm supposed to be strong enough.' He says quietly. 'I need my dad to be here.'

'I know.' I hold him tightly. 'I know you do.'

'Why did he have to leave? Why did he have to be such a coward?'

'Sometimes the people we're supposed to trust and rely on the most, are the ones who end up hurting up and letting us down the most.' I shake my head and I am crying now, 'You just have to be strong enough to overcome it.'

'How?'

'By relying on the people who stayed.' I reply. 'You have a support system.' I pull back from him and look him in the eyes, 'you've got so many people who love you.'

'I can do this.' He wipes his eyes and squeezes my arm. 'Thank you.'

'Don't thank me.' I wipe my eyes as well, 'I haven't done anything.'

'You've done everything.' He replies softly, 'I should probably get back inside.'

'Sure.' I nod, 'If you need anything, you know where to find me.'

I wake up the next morning in the spare bed in Julie's bedroom. It's one that drops down out of the wall for whenever she has overnight guests. Even though they have about eight spare rooms, she always likes having her guests in her room.

I roll over and look out of the doors towards the ocean. I wonder what it would be like to wake up to that every morning? I wonder if I'd ever get tired of it? I know that in all the times I've stayed here, which is quite a few since I met her, I haven't gotten bored of it yet.

The view is spectacular, and she has it every single morning when she wakes up.

I sit up in bed and do the next thing I do whenever I wake up at Julie's house. I reach for my phone and check my messages.

There's one from my mom saying good morning. I send a quick one back with a good morning. Then there's one from Charles.

Thank you for last night. I needed it.

I smile down at the message. If I can make any small amount of difference, then I'm pleased. I don't want him to have to feel like he's alone in this. He has his family, but his mom is so ill, and his siblings are all younger and rely on him for so much. He feels like he can't rely on any of them, because he doesn't want to dump his concerns on them.

I'm just glad that Katie is taking on more responsibility at the house. She's actually a really good cook. I've been teaching her most nights, and she's doing really well.

'What are you smiling at?' Julie asks, coming into the room carrying mugs. One filled with coffee for me, and the other filled with a herbal tea.

She sits next to me on the bed and looks at my phone. 'What did you do for Charles last night?' She asks, her eyes narrowing just slightly.

'He needed someone to talk to, I listened.' I shrug. 'Things aren't great for his mom at the moment.' I'm not sure how much Charles will want me to tell her. Things with them haven't been awful since the breakup, and he definitely seems to be getting over her, but it's not like it was before. They're not as close as they were, it's not even like it was before they started dating. They're more distant.

'Oh.' Julie nods her head and then takes a small sip of her drink. 'I've been thinking a lot about Charles.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah,' she nods her head again, 'I thought that breaking up would be good for us, but the thing is, now I'm going to all the parties alone, and there's nobody to take me to dinner ever, and...I don't know, I guess I miss him.'

'You miss him or you miss having a boyfriend?' I ask her. I can never tell with Julie what she's thinking. She's a master at hiding her true feelings, so as I look at her, I have no idea if she genuinely misses him, or if she just doesn't like that he's now moving on.

'Same thing.' She shrugs, which gives me about as much answer as I need. She doesn't care about him as much as she cares about having a boyfriend.

'It's not the same thing.' I reply.

'Still,' she shrugs, 'I've been thinking that I'll just take him back. At least until the end of summer when I leave for France.'

'And,' I pause, I can't tell her that he's not interested any more, because what if he is? If she went to him and said she wanted to get back together, would he say yes? I can't say for sure that he wouldn't, so I can't tell her. Even though at this moment I'd like nothing more than to shout at her that he's done with her, that she can't get what she wants this time. The thought of them getting back together, makes my head hurt. 'What if he doesn't want to get back together? What if he's moving on?'

'Please,' she rolls her eyes in an infuriating way, 'he loves me, remember, you're the one who kept telling me that.'

'Yeah, but you broke up with him. You told him that you were done, that you didn't love him.' I say. I watch her carefully. I don't like the idea of them being back together. I don't like how she treats him, but I have to know something first, 'Julie, do you love him?'

'Well...not as such, but that doesn't mean that I don't want him back.'

'Did you ever love him?' I demand.

'What does it matter?' She shrugs, 'The point is, I think I want to start seeing him again, because I don't want to spend the rest of my summer without a boyfriend.'