Between Now and Goodbye (38 page)

So while she's out with them, Katie took Lewis and April down to the lake, still within view of the house, but so that mom and I could have some time alone, and the kids could paddle their feet.

I look over at my mom. Right now, with the sun hitting her smiling face, and a book resting on her lap, half read and waiting to be finished. She looks normal, she looks like she always does when we come here. Happy, relaxed and healthy. Yet just below the surface, an entirely different story is being told.

She's come here to die. By the end of the summer, I'll be making the long drive home, and she won't be sitting in the seat beside me. I've been trying hard not to think about that, but it's pretty much the only thing I've been thinking about. On the way up here, Libby drove her car with Katie and Georgia, because there are only seven seats in my mom's car, and there are eight of us here. On the way home, there will be room for all of us in the same car, not that we'll be taking just the one because Libby will need her car back home, but still, if we needed to, there would be room for all of us.

'Don't look so down, it's not that bad.' Mom says lightly.

'Mom.' I choke it out, unable to look at her.

'Sorry.' She sighs, 'I just don't want you to be sad.'

'I don't think that's possible right now.' I say honestly.

'Honey, I know this is an awful situation, but I need you to be my strong boy.'

'I know.'

'I didn't want things to end like this you know.' She says, sliding her book off of her lap and turning down the edge of the page. She closes it up and places it beside her glass of water on the table.

'I know you didn't.'

'I don't just mean with me.' She replies, 'I knew that there was a chance I wouldn't pull though, I knew that when I got diagnosed. I just never thought I'd have to put so much of the responsibility onto my seventeen year old son.'

'I can handle that responsibility.' I reply right away.

'I know you can, and I'm so proud of you, not just for the way you've stepped up taking care of me and your siblings, but...I'm proud of you because of the man you are, the choices you're making.'

'Ah,' I smile at her, 'and by the choices, I assume you're talking about Julie.'

'You know me too well.' She laughs. 'You are happy aren't you?'

'Mom come on,' I shake my head, 'I can't possibly be happy right now.'

'Charles, I don't want you to be unhappy. Put aside the fact that I'm ill, cast it out of your mind and think about it, if things were different and I wasn't ill, but you'd still broken up with Julie. Would you be happy right now?' She asks, and just as I'm about to answer, Libby rounds the corner and starts walking up towards the house. Georgia and Sean skipping beside her, one on either side, while she carries all of the shopping bags. I watch her for a couple of seconds. Sunlight dancing through the trees and across her skin, her cheeks flushed from the walk, and a smile on her face which looks really carefree.

'Yes.' I say, keeping my eyes on Libby, 'If you were well, I think I'd be very happy.'

'Good.' Mom sighs contentedly.

'I should help Libs with the bags.' I jump up to my feet, hurrying down the porch steps as Georgia and Sean run up them to show our mom some treat that Libby has bought for them. I get to Libby and reach out to take the bags from her. My fingers brushing hers as she hands them over.

'Crab cakes.' She blurts out, pulling her fingers back from mine as soon as I have the bags. She moves them in such a way, that makes it seem as if she'd just received an electric shock from me. I try to catch her eye, but she's looking around her, down at the lake, back to the house, then to her shoes. She's looking anywhere but at me. Is she nervous? But no, that wouldn't make any sense, because there's no reason for her to be nervous around me. We're best friends, and nothing has changed. Right?

'Crab cakes.' I nod, fighting the urge to grin at her.

'For dinner.' She explains, 'We're having crab cakes and a summer salad...for dinner.'

'Ok.' I nod and this time she does meet my eyes, she laughs, a soft musical laugh that trickles over me. 'Do you need help?'

'What?'

'With the dinner?' I ask.

'Oh.' She hits the palm of her hand against her forehead, 'Right, um...you're probably busy.'

'I have time.' I reply.

'Georgia said she'd help as well.' Libby brushes a strand of hair out of her face, keeping her eyes on me. 'But I can always use extra help.'

'Well then I'm all yours.' I say, 'When do we start?'

'Now is good.'

'Ok.' I carry the bags up the front steps, and pass mom who's smiling at the two of us like she knows something we don't.

'Georgia are you ready to cook?' Libby asks.

'I think,' Georgia puts her hands on her hips and thinks about it for a second, 'I'll stay here with mommy.'

'Ok.' Libby kisses the top of her head, 'Charles will just have to do extra work.'

'I don't mind.' I smile at her, she catches my eye again and smiles back. Together we head to the kitchen and start unpacking all of the things she got in town.

We work together in perfect harmony, both of us always seem to know what the other needs, when they need it and where they want it. We move around each other with ease, as if we've cooked together in this kitchen a million times, even though this is the first time we've ever done it.

I've been put in charge of getting the crab meat out of the shells so she can put it into her crab cakes. While I do that, she works on the rest of the ingredients for making the crab cakes. She's in her element in the kitchen, moving around quickly, softly and never doing anything which doesn't have a purpose.

Once the crab cakes are made, and cooking, we start on chopping up the ingredients for the salad. She works on the avocado, while I chop onions. Then once that's done, she makes a dressing.

'Can you try this?' She comes over to me, stopping in front of me and holding up a spoon to my lips. I try the dressing. It's full of citrus flavors, perfectly balanced between sweet and sour, with just a touch of saltiness. I look down a little and meet her eyes. She's standing so close to me, it hits me that if I moved just a little forwards, I could dip my head down and kiss her.

I have no idea where the thought came from, but it disappears as quickly as it popped into my head, and I take a small step back. Small enough that she won't think I mind being so close, but far enough away that I can catch my breath.

'That's really good.' I say, nodding to the dressing on the counter.

'Good, I was worried I'd put in too much lime.'

'You didn't.' I reply.

'And you're not just saying that because you like me?' She turns back to her dressing and transfers it from the bowl she's been mixing it in, to a little stone colored jug.

'I don't like you that much.' I tease.

'Good to know.' She looks over her shoulder at me, a strange look on her face like she's trying to figure something out.

We eat outside, setting all of the food on the large picnic bench that's set between the house and the lake. Libby and Katie managed to dress the table to make it look nicer, by using a net curtain they found in an airing cupboard as a table cloth. Then they went into town and came back with a large collection of mason jars and tea light candles. They spend twenty minutes putting the candles into the jars, and a further ten choosing where to put them. Some wind up on the table, while others are hung from trees around the table.

Then all the food is carried out, and placed in the center of the table. A large plate filled with crab cakes, a dish filled to the brim with her salad, and then a
dish of little lemon cakes drizzled with sugar syrup are sitting on an improvised cake stand. I say improvised because there wasn't one in the house, so Libby took three large dishes, and stacked them on top of each other, separating each layer of cakes, by holding the next dish up with tea cups. It sits in the center of the table and takes pride of place.

With the candles lit, and the sun starting to set, it all looks pretty effective. My mom is already sitting at the table, along with the rest of my family as I carry out a large jug filled with freshly made lemonade, placing it on the table.

'Where's Libby?' Katie asks.

'Getting changed.' I reply, 'She'll be out in a minute. I'm just going to get the rolls that Libs made.' I turn back towards the house and stop dead in my tracks. Libby has just stepped out onto the porch, changed into a white dress that skims her knees. Her hair is down and wavy, and her step is light as she walks, barefoot, towards us carrying the basket filled with rolls fresh from the oven.

'What?' She asks as she gets within hearing distance.

'I...' I shake my head and snap myself out of it, 'You look nice.'

'Thanks.' She smiles simply and heads past me. I take a few seconds before I turn and join my family.

Forty Eight – Julie

August used to be my favorite month. The start is usually exciting because it's always hot, and I get to spend most of my time down at the beach with my friends. This year my two closest friends have gone away to Arizona, and I'm left here constantly thinking about how much I've messed up.

Normally in August I'd go on vacation with my parents, but this year they've decided that I don't deserve a vacation.

I haven't been fair to anyone this summer. My friends and my family, have all been hurt by me. Charles, who has never been anything but wonderful to me. I treated him like dirt.

I feel sick when I think about it, because yes, I didn't love him, so it was the right thing to do to end things. But I ended things because he wasn't paying me enough attention, and now his mom is dying and I'm left feeling like the worst person in the world.

I was supposed to be his girlfriend, and even though I wasn't in love with him, I do love him as a really close friend. I care about him, and yet I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. Libby was.

I got Libby to come home because I was feeling selfish, and I knew that if I told her I'd stop eating if she didn't come, that she'd get back here as soon as she could, and it felt really good to have that kind of control. It felt good knowing that she was willing to come home to spend time with me.

Then I spent so much time working on finding her father, that I didn't spend any time with her, and then once I'd found him, she ended up hating me for it. Now she's gone away for the rest of the summer, and Charles is gone, and I don't anticipate either of them keeping in touch with me while they're gone.

Charles' mom is dying, she won't be alive when I leave for France, and I won't be able to say goodbye to her because she's there and I'm here. I've known her my entire life, and now she's also been alienated from me, because of the way I treated her son.

I stare at myself in the mirror. My new haircut and make-up still surprise me sometimes. I pass the mirror and expect to see my Marie Antoinette style peering back at me, and instead I get this sixties look. I like it, I really do, but I can't help thinking about what Libby said to me. I can't just change the outside appearance of who I am. I need to take a proper look at my personality, on what makes me, me.

I've always been told that I can have whatever I want, and that I'm special and deserve the best in life. I've been handed the best education since I was in kindergarten. I was given a $500 allowance when I was nine. When I was sixteen I got my first credit card with no limit. I was bought a car when I passed my test. I've been promised an apartment in whatever city I choose to go to college in. I've practically been given a free ride into either Princeton or Harvard, because those are the schools my parents went to, and they've donated a considerable amount of money. Though with my grades, I'd probably get in on my own.

I grew up with Charles as my best friend, and when I noticed how much he adored me, I decided that he was going to be my boyfriend, and that happened as well. Then when I wasn't happy with the way he dressed, I tried to change it, even though he resisted and never actually wore the stuff I bought for him, except when he was trying to win me back. I still let him know that I wasn't happy with the way he was, even though he's the sweetest guy I've ever met.

I let Libby into our group and became really close to her, because I found her interesting, and honestly, when she moved here I already knew that at some point I'd want Charles as my boyfriend, and I kind of saw her as a threat. I thought that if she wasn't my friend, that she would think that Charles was available, and I knew deep down that if he had the chance to pick between us, he'd probably choose her.

So I made her my friend, so that I could tell her I liked Charles and she would know that he wasn't an option for her. I ended up really liking her and she has genuinely become my best friend, but the reason I made her my friend in the first place, was selfish.