The front door suddenly hurled open and Colin filled the doorway. Her heart pounded as he stared at her with a mix of anger and relief in his eyes. He slammed the door shut.
“Where the hell have you been?” he demanded. He advanced on her position by the cabinet that held Tia’s herbs. “Do you have any idea what you have put me through the past two days?”
His anger emanated from him like the heat from a fireplace. And yet, he had never looked so handsome. His face was unshaved and dark with stubble. His clothes looked rumpled as if he’d slept in them, and judging by the smell of stale brandy permeating the air around him, he probably had slept in his clothes.
He slammed both of his hands on either side of her shoulders, trapping her against the cabinet. “Have you nothing to say?”
“Me?” She finally found her voice. “You tell me you wanted to kill my mother and then wonder why I ran off!”
“I was trying to make a point.”
“Well you did a very poor job of it.”
He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. “Perhaps I did. But it was no reason to run off and tell no one where you were going. Do you have any idea how worried everyone is?”
She hadn’t really thought about anyone else for the past two days. Normally, all she did was think of other people’s feelings. “I’m sorry. I will apologize to everyone. But right now, I’d like you to leave.”
“I am not going anywhere until you tell what really made you run off.”
She should tell him everything and be done with it. Once she told him, he would never want to see her again. But she didn’t want him to leave just yet. She had to find a way to stall. “How is your wound?”
“I am fine.”
She sensed he was nearing the end of his patience. “Are you certain?” She placed her hand on his forehead to feel for a fever. “You are nice and cool.”
“Selina,” he growled.
“I cannot tell you,” she admitted. “If I do you will hate me forever.” Tears flooded her eyes, blinding her to his handsome face.
“I could never hate you, darling.”
“Oh, you could. You have no idea.”
“Selina,” he said again, closer to her face. “If you don’t tell me now . . . hell, I don’t know what I shall do.”
“Do you hate my mother?” She had to know.
“I do not like what happened.”
“Do you hate my mother?” she pressed again.
His jaw clenched. “I did for many years. But I am working through those feelings, thanks in part to you.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks. “My mother was not at fault that night.”
“I know. You have told me that several times.”
“It wasn’t her fault,” she cried. “It was mine.”
He reached out and caressed her cheek. “Darling, you weren’t even there. The servants told me it was just your mother upstairs.”
“They lied to protect me. Everyone lied to protect me from you that night.”
His brows furrowed. “What are you talking about?” he whispered hoarsely.
“My mother was too drunk to be of any use. Mrs. Roberts knew I had assisted my mother so she called me. They snuck me in the house and up the back staircase.” She paused to catch her breath. “The cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck. I had never seen that before. I didn’t know what to do. I tried unwrapping the cord but he still wouldn’t take a breath.”
He backed away from her. His face paled and mouth gaped.
“I am the reason your wife and child died that night. Not my mother.”
Colin backed away until his leg hit the table. It wasn’t possible. They had all told him there was nothing that could have been done. It had been God’s will that they died. All these years he had blamed her mother. They had told him Mrs. White delivered the baby. Mrs. White had even given him the heartwrenching news.
They had lied.
To protect Selina.
“Please say something,” she begged.
He couldn’t look at her. Her bedraggled look and tears would ensnare him. His wife and child might have survived if not for her. The room felt as if it was closing in on him. Without a word, he strode from the house.
He rode back to his house and stumbled into the study. He didn’t care if he’d barely recovered from a night of drinking, it was not too early to start again. He poured a large glass of brandy and gulped it down. Then he poured some more.
“Have you heard anything?” Kate asked from the doorway with a worried look on her face.
“Get out of my study and close the door behind you,” he said in a menacing tone. He didn’t want to speak to anyone.
“Oh, God, what happened? Is she . . .”
“No, she is not dead. My wife and child are dead but the bloody wise woman lives on.”
“What happened, Colin?” She walked into the room and closed the door behind her. “You need to stop drinking and tell me what happened.”
“The hell I will.” He poured another glass, gave her a salute, and drank it down. Nothing would ease the pain he felt in his heart. Everyone had betrayed him. “Get out, Kate.”
“The hell I will,” she parroted and then sank into a chair. “Sit down and tell me what happened. Did you see Selina?”
“Do not mention her name again.”
“What happened when you saw her?”
“She told me the goddamn truth . . . finally.”
“The truth about what?” Kate asked slowly.
“How Mary and my son died.” He drained another glass before collapsing into a chair. “It wasn’t her mother’s fault, Kate.”
“Then . . .”
“Yes, it was Selina’s fault.” He rubbed his hands over his face.
“Tell me what she told you.”
He told her the story that Selina had revealed to him. As he spoke, his heart grew heavier.
“Wait,” Kate said just as he finished. “How old is Selina . . . twenty-four?”
“Yes, but what has that to do with any of this?” He rubbed his rough jaw.
“She was only sixteen when this happened. Her mother was too drunk to do her job. And you have the audacity to blame Selina? She told you that she had never delivered on her own. God, Colin, she was only sixteen.”
“Kate, they lied to me. Every goddamn one of them told me it was God’s will. That God had taken them because he needed them in heaven. He didn’t need them yet. She didn’t know what she was doing.”
Kate rose up from her chair and stared down at him in anger. “Of course she didn’t know. Her mother was too drunk to help her. It wasn’t Selina’s fault. I’m certain she did everything in her power to save both your son and wife. You’re a drunken fool for blaming her.”
“They all lied to me. My servants, her mother, and even Selina lied by omission. She should have told me from the beginning.”
“They lied to protect her from you. You are a complete and utter arse!” She stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her.
Colin leaned his head back against the chair and closed his eyes. Even in his drunken haze, he realized Kate was right. He was an arse. They lied to protect a young girl from a duke’s wrath. The servants had known that he would take his anger out on her.
And they were right. He had spent the past eight years blaming her mother so, of course, he would have done the same to her. He would have removed her from the estate. The only reason he hadn’t ejected her mother was because of Selina. He couldn’t do that to a young girl.
But he wouldn’t have thought of her as a girl if he’d known that she had tried to deliver his son.
“I heard there was a commotion in here.”
Hearing the soft tone of his stepmother’s voice calmed him down. No matter how hard he had tried to push her away when he was younger, she had always been there for him. “Kate and I had a row.”
“I figured it was something of the sort,” she said in that light voice. “Would you like to talk to me? I might know a little more about life than your sister.”
“I suppose you do.” While he had been cordial to the duchess, he had never confided in her until now.
Once he finished telling her what happened, she released a long sigh. “You cannot continue on this path of blame, Colin. She was only a young girl attempting to do something beyond her years.”
“I know.”
“Do you love her?”
“Yes,” he admitted in a whispered tone.
“Then why are you letting this stand in the way of your happiness? What happened, happened. You cannot change the past. You spent eight years mourning a woman I don’t think you loved half as much as you do Selina. I never saw you look at Mary the way you do her.”
The woman was more intelligent than he had ever given her credit for. “Thank you.”
“You know when I married your father, I knew he was still in love with your mother.”
Colin looked up at her. “He was?”
She tilted her head and smiled at him. “Yes. He loved Elizabeth beyond words but knew you needed a mother. He picked me because he thought I would be happy just being a duchess. But that wasn’t what I wanted.”
“Oh?”
“I wanted your father’s love. I fought for two years for it. Until he finally admitted that he loved me. It was the happiest day of my life. Losing him ten years ago just about killed me too. I understand grief, Colin. It can consume you if you let it. Don’t let it. Life is too hard and too short to be miserable all the time. The happiest I’ve seen you was with Selina.”
He closed his eyes again. His stepmother was right. With Selina, he felt whole again. “You are a very wise woman, Mother.
“It’s about time you realized that. Now go to your wise woman and tell her how big a fool you’ve been and how much you love her.”
“I will.” He rose slowly. “But first I must change. I will not propose to her looking like this.”
Selina spent the rest of the day in bed. Her heart ached, her body was tired, and nothing seemed to help. He had done exactly what she expected but still, she was disappointed in him.
She’d tried to tell herself this was for the best. Now, she could go back to her life as it was before he arrived. She would miss his tenants and servants terribly but Middleton’s tenants would welcome her. Once they learned she had taken over from Tia. Tomorrow she would force herself out of bed and speak with the viscount.
But for the rest of the day, she intended on staying in bed and crying her heart out. How could she still love him after the way he treated her? It made no sense.
Tears soaked her pillow. She had been certain he loved her. He danced with her three times at the ball and told her everyone was talking about their betrothal. So how could he have run out like that this morning?
She heard a knock on the door but ignored it. If it was a tenant, they could send for Mia. She always covered for her sister when needed. By not answering, they would assume she was not here. She just needed today for her self-pity.
“Selina?” Colin’s voice called to her.
God, no. She couldn’t see him now. Why was he even here? Did he want to humiliate her? Tell her to never set foot on his land again? She had already assumed he would never want her near, which was why she left. Perhaps he would go away if she stayed quiet or pretended to sleep.
“Selina?” The door to her bedroom opened silently. She heard his footsteps coming closer but refused to open her eyes. The side of her bed depressed from his weight.
“Please leave me alone,” she cried. “I cannot stand to see you so angry with me.”
“I am not angry, Selina.”
Hearing the tender tone of his voice only made her cry harder. “You should be.”
His rough hand caressed her wet cheek. “I was a fool.” He chuckled when she nodded. “I should never have blamed you for what happened. I was just in shock when you told me. I had lived the past eight years believing the version of the story that everyone had told me.”
“They only sought to protect me.”
“I realize that now. I just needed some time to sort things out.” He lay down next to her and brought her close. “They all love you, Selina. Even then, they wanted you safe from my wrath.”
She let her head rest on his chest. Hearing his strong, steady heartbeat slowly relaxed her. “I’m so sorry, Colin. I really did everything I could at the time.”
“You were sixteen, as my sister reminded me. You had never delivered a child on your own.”
“My first should never have been the duke’s heir,” she whispered.
“All children are important. Your mother should have been the one delivering or at least there to assist you. Not unconscious from the gin.”
In her heart, she had always known that but it still hurt to hear him say it. “I know.”
“Can you forgive me? I never meant to hurt you, Selina.”
“I know,” she said against his chest. “You were taken by surprise with my admission.”
Strong arms lifted her up so her head was next to his. Looking into his beautiful blue eyes, she was struck by the love she saw.
“I love you,” he said quietly. “You forced me out of my staid existence and back to life.”
“I love you too, Colin. I have no idea how I went from completely disliking you and being terrified you would discover me living in your house, to love. I just couldn’t help myself. And I tried so hard not to love you.”
He smiled and kissed her gently. “Why did you try not to love me?”
“You are the Duke of Northrop. I am nobody. I knew there was no reason to think I could be anything but your mistress.”
His lips parted hers again and then he pulled back. “You actually are someone.”
Selina studied his eyes. “Well, yes, I am your wise woman.”
“And according to Mrs. Featherstone, the daughter of the second son of a country squire,” he said and then kissed the tip of her nose.
“Is that why you decided I was acceptable?”
“Sweetheart, I had no idea about your background until after I was shot. If you remember, I had danced three times with you at the ball. I was telling everyone there that not only were you taken, but I was too.”
It hadn’t mattered to him that she was nobody. Her heart swelled so completely she thought she might burst. “Did you ever find Mr. Wells?”
“Yes,” he said and then lay back against the pillows and stared at the white ceiling. “I don’t believe Mrs. Wells was involved but Mr. Wells admitted that he wanted you to feel some of the pain he and his wife felt.”
“What did you do?” she asked fearfully. She knew he had a temper and wondered if he sent the man to prison.
“I told him how you cried in the rain that night. I also told him to find another place to live.”
“You didn’t have him arrested?”
“No.” He sighed. “I understand his pain and even though he acted reprehensibly, I know about going a little mad after losing someone.”
She nodded and looked away. She wondered what they would do next. He hadn’t officially proposed to her yet. Did he mean to go back on his unofficial proposal?
“Selina, do you think you would mind spending time in London with me?”
“After everything that has happened over the past three days, I never want to be without you. I will go with you to London and be your mistress.”
He rolled over with a lopsided grin on his face. “Are you trying to wring a proposal out of me?”
“No, I just said I would be your mistress.”
He stared into her eyes. “I am not looking for a mistress. I want a wife.” He closed his eyes. “I want to try to have children.”
She reached out and cupped his face with her hand. “You know there are risks with having children. I cannot guarantee the outcome.”
“I know. But if you’re willing to take the risk, I can too.”
She moved her body closer until she was up against him. Closing her mouth over his, she kissed him soundly. “I believe if you force me to, I will be your wife.”
“And my duchess.”
“And your duchess,” she added.