Beyond 4/20 (18 page)

While Irene was there, she agreed to take on the temporary management of the Keller Foundation. Chelsea felt much too overwhelmed to jump back in just yet. Someday she hoped to, but until she was ready, Irene was happy to be involved and would begin to look for someone who could take a more permanent role.

Thinking back to Irene’s time with her, Chelsea found that she had come to consider her a friend. John had once told her that was what he felt. He trusted her with absolutely anything and everything, obviously, even with his family and their well-being.

Chelsea was sitting in John’s desk chair, staring blankly at nothing as she had pondered over all the matters that had recently been addressed. After several moments of this, she turned to face John’s art wall and found she could do nothing by cry at the sight of it. He was so good with Lucy, even in the early days before he had a chance to love her. Without question, he was an exceptional man, and she missed him every single second of every single day. All she had left to hold on to were the kids and her memories of him. That had become her mission over the past weeks, to hold on to her memories of him. She replayed scenes in her head. Even when others were around, that was her coping mechanism. Everyone thought she was so strong as she walked out her grief, when all along, she was living out her life as if he were right beside her. Always a memory was playing out in her head.

Standing, she moved to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk. It was the same chair she had sat in that very first day they met. What a nerve-racking day that was. She was fidgety and anxious, and rightly so.

Chelsea drew her knees up to her chest and closed her eyes, thinking back to when they were in L.A. together soon after they married. That day was one of her sweetest memories of John.

“I want you to sit right there.”

The way he was looking at her, she could hardly tell if he was happy or sad.

“Why?” she asked as she sat.

He knelt before her and rested his head on her lap for a moment. Understanding what he was feeling, Chelsea ran her fingers through his thick hair.

“It was here.” As soon as she spoke, she regretted it as she realized that he was praying.

John nodded and lifted his head. “This is the very spot where I first laid eyes on you. I want these chairs back home in my office.”

Sighing, he looked at her for a long moment then finally asked, “Dear Lord, Chels, how could I have ever seen any of this coming?”

“Neither of us did.”

She traced her fingers along his jawline and leaned in to kiss his cheek. “I thought you were the most handsome man I had ever seen.”

“And I thought you were simply stunning, much more so than I expected.”

He took her hands in his, saying, “You were nervous and fidgeting with your fingers.” Looking into her eyes, he confessed, “I think at that very moment you unlocked a door in my heart that had been closed for much of my life. I felt this wave of compassion wash over me that was totally unlike me. As early as that first encounter, I think something happened to begin changing me. God sent you to get me.” At those words, he choked up. “Nothing has been the same since that day.”

Thinking back to those earliest moments together, she considered how close she came to leaving. What if she had walked away? Where would she be now? “Part of the time I wanted to bolt for the door.”

Chuckling, he reminded her, “You almost did.” Reaching for her, he slid both hands behind her neck and pulled her face closer to his. “You were afraid I would try to take advantage of you.”

When his eyes had narrowed and held a little twinkle, she knew exactly what he was thinking. “Like you want to do right now?”

“Yeah, just like that.” Moving in, he kissed her softly.

When Irene entered the room they both jumped as if they had been caught doing something naughty. Chelsea giggled in embarrassment. Irene apologized and quickly left the office.

He grinned. “I like home much better. More privacy.”

“Me too.”

She slid her arms around John’s neck and held him tightly as she said, “Thank you for coming for me. Thank you for letting me in that door.”

When John lifted her from her chair and onto his lap, she knew he would make love to her right there. Often, frustrated by his inability to truly convey the extent of his love for her, he had once said that when they made love it was as close as he could come to expressing his love for her. For him that day, there was something symbolic about loving her there in that place where she had first entered his life. It was beautiful and pure, and often he prayed aloud in gratitude for her. Never before that day had he prayed in such intimate moments, but often afterwards he did.

No matter what they might look like to anyone on the outside looking in, their love defied explanation and the ability to express even. She felt the same. Words failed her every time. What they shared was beyond what most people knew; it was beyond what she believed to be possible between a man and a woman. He was her only one. That was what she whispered to him as they made love that day. “You are my only one.”

Chelsea remained in John’s office for a long time, too long really. Though it was getting late and she needed to head out to her parents to pick up Sara Beth, she found herself unable to walk away from the flood of memories captured in that room. As she gripped the arms of the chair and tried to hold onto the memories of making love to him, she wept until her insides hurt. She ached so deeply and desperately that she often wished she could die too. It was only the thought of her little girls that gave her the will to live. But how do you go on when your only one is gone?

Chelsea spent much time trying to figure that one out. Outwardly, she was moving on about the business of life, but inwardly, time had come to a standstill, as if John were the dividing line of life and death for her. As unhealthy and off balance as she knew that to be, it was the plain truth. Daily she was honest before God in prayer. She openly confessed how much her loss was affecting her and how she had come to clearly see that her love for John had far exceeded her love for Him. Of course God wasn’t surprised by her admission. Never once did she feel condemned by it, and she knew that her deep anguish could only be alleviated by refocusing on her First Love. Willing but unable – that was how she often felt. “Lord, I’m sincerely willing. Please show me how to love him less and You more. Without You, I don’t think I’ll live again.”

Chapter 10

W
ith the holidays quickly approaching, Chelsea found she didn’t dread them as much as she would have expected. Because she had suffered such debilitating sadness when they were apart that first year, Chelsea feared the upcoming holidays without John would feel the same, that they might take her to that place of isolation and depression. Once they arrived, though, she found she was able to dwell on their happiest times together, something rather surprising. The Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays they did share together were constantly in the forefront of her mind. The memories of them brought her comfort and unexpected joy.

Tuck spent Thanksgiving with her family as he had done the past years and then the first hours of Christmas morning with Chelsea and the girls. He seemed hesitant to come, and Chelsea respected how considerate he was being of her first Christmas without John. She was certain he didn’t want to appear to be overstepping his bounds, but of all people, Tuck had a place with her at every holiday. As unusual as their situation was, he was, after all, her daughter’s father.

Since John’s death, Tuck had done a few odd jobs around the house, but he didn’t make himself overly present. Chelsea had a sense he didn’t want her to get the wrong idea, as if he were in any way trying to force himself back into her life. She didn’t think that. A few times Lucy invited him to join them for dinner, but each time he refused. If he had stayed, Chelsea wouldn’t have minded. It was nice to have another adult around, but he never accepted an invitation.

In the early weeks, until she accepted a job at the church office, Gail came often and spent the day with them. Once her mother was much less present, Chelsea missed adult company. She was alone most days with Sara Beth while Lucy was at school, but for the most part, it was only the kids with her. Many evenings, they went for dinner at her parents. With her mother working, Chelsea would go early and prepare dinner there. Both her mother and her father were happy to have her and the kids around at night. All in all, they settled into a pretty comfortable routine. Her new normal was life alone with two children. Fortunately, she wasn’t forced to work outside the home as many single moms had to do, which was something for which she was daily grateful. As difficult as it was to raise children alone, she could hardly imagine how any woman could do it while working full time, prompting her to investigate ways to help such mothers through the Keller Foundation. Already, Irene was working toward that end.

Just after Christmas, Chelsea took the girls to Montana to see Louise and Claude. Claude had recently had another mild heart attack, preventing them from traveling to Oklahoma to see the girls. So they had a late Christmas celebration together. As much as she anticipated the trip making her sad, instead, Chelsea found that it was comforting to be there. The girls slept together in the room she stayed in when she and John were dating. She stayed in his room, the room they shared when they traveled there after they married.

His bed was full of sweet memories. At the time, Chelsea was amused by how much John liked making love to her in his double bed. He would tell her how often he wished he had a beautiful young girl in his bed with him as he was growing up. Finally he did. She was young all right, he would remind her. Such memories of him made her feel warm and loved, as if he were present with her in those moments.

Once, Chelsea stood in the middle of the hallway, all alone, listening to his voice in her head as he told her, “The hall is international waters. We’re safe here.”

She giggled as she recalled him suddenly warning her that a teenage boy lived just across the hall. There were no regrets. She made him just as happy as he had made her. In a way, God gave John a do-over. All the goodness of life he had forfeited in his pursuit of
enough
was offered to him again. God gave John the opportunity to experience young and exciting love. Such kindness by the Lord extended to her precious husband was a small reminder of why He was originally her First Love. It was a piece of what she had given up restored.

That was what she was watching for, those little pieces that she could tuck back into her empty heart, those reminders of Who God really was. Most days, He gave her something to grab onto.

Winter passed by surprisingly quickly, and spring finally arrived. Already the gray skies of winter became a distant memory. Because of the milder weather, the girls spent many afternoons playing in the back yard. This day, they were out back while Chelsea watched from the kitchen window. A knock on the door prompted Chelsea to call through the window and ask Lucy to keep an eye on Sara Beth.

When she answered the door, Chelsea found a young woman waiting, a woman about her age. The woman stood and stared, as if she were scared to speak.

Finally Chelsea asked, “May I help you?”

“I’m here to see Mrs. Keller,” Caroline stammered.

Caroline felt a bit nauseous and regretted coming. All of a sudden, this didn’t seem like such a good idea. She should have just called as her husband suggested.

“That would be me.”

Noting that the woman who answered the door was her age, Caroline smiled. “I think I’m looking for your mom.”

Chelsea thought for a second. “My mom is at work, and I’m the only
Mrs. Keller
. She is Mrs. Whittaker.”

“You were married to John Keller then?”

Chelsea felt a little light-headed at the sound of John’s name. Thoughtfully, glad for any opportunity to say his name, she said, “Yes, I am married to John.”

Looking more intently at the woman, suddenly a bit suspicious, Chelsea asked, “And who are you?”

“I’m Caroline Jenkins. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. I thought Mr. Keller was older, I just assumed…” She trailed off, embarrassed.

Chelsea smiled softly, seeing that the woman was so flustered.

“Yes, he was much older.”

Caroline sighed, feeling a bit of relief from her embarrassment. Having never exactly decided how to begin with Mrs. Keller, she blurted out, “I’m here to thank you. To let you know who I am and how much your gift meant to me.”

“What gift?”

“Paying for my heart transplant. I wouldn’t have lived much longer without it.”

Tears sprang to Chelsea’s eyes. John had paid for this woman’s transplant and never told her. How like him. Inviting her in, Chelsea led Caroline to the kitchen so that she could keep an eye on the girls.

They sat at the kitchen table and Chelsea offered her some tea. While placing Caroline’s tea before her, she asked, “So, I take it you are doing well after your surgery?”

A surge of jealousy rose up in Chelsea’s heart as she wished John had been so fortunate.

“Yes. It’s been nearly a year, and I’m doing exceptionally well.”

Caroline quickly tried to minimize her enthusiasm. Considering the circumstances, her gain was Chelsea’s loss.

“If not for your husband’s sacrifice…” As always, the thought of what Mr. Keller had done brought tears to her eyes, and Caroline found that she couldn’t finish.

Chelsea looked at Caroline, curious. “Sacrifice?”

Nodding, suspecting for the first time that Chelsea didn’t know of John’s actions, Caroline said, “Because he removed himself from the list, I was given the heart that should have gone to him. And then he paid for my operation. We would have gone bankrupt if he hadn’t.”

Chelsea blinked rapidly, trying to allow Caroline’s words to sink in. Before she could fully process what the woman was actually saying, Caroline had pulled out photos of her three little girls.

“I want you to see my family.”

Chelsea stood. “I didn’t know anything about this.”

Walking to the window, she looked out at her little girls who had lost a father and a step-father. She didn’t want to look at photos of the girls who had a mother at John’s expense. Without turning back to Caroline, Chelsea suggested, “I think maybe you should go now.”

“I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”

Quickly Caroline gathered her photos and moved toward the front door.

Chelsea stood motionless, considering the implications of what Caroline said. John gave up. He was offered a heart but refused it. Reaching for her phone, she dialed John’s cardiologist and left a message. It would likely be hours before she heard back from him. Until then, she would have to wonder how it came to be that John’s heart was given to another. Maybe it wasn’t a close enough match. Why hadn’t John told her?

Just before dinner Tuck arrived to pick up Lucy. It was an unusually early day for him. When he arrived and knocked on the front door, he was surprised that Lucy was the one to open the door. She already had her backpack slung over her shoulder.

“Hey, Lucy. I was expecting your mom.”

Lucy walked out onto the front porch, saying, “She’s not feeling well. Granny Gail came to get Sara Beth. I was waiting for you.”

“Should I go in and check on her?”

“No, I don’t think so. When she got off the phone a little while ago, she went to bed. Her head is hurting.”

Tuck walked with Lucy to the driveway, still hesitant to leave. As she climbed up into the cab of the truck, he asked, “You sure I shouldn’t see if she needs anything?”

“I think she wants to be alone. That’s why she called for Granny Gail to get Sara B.”

Chelsea was curled up in the bed, wishing she had never opened the door for Caroline. After speaking with the doctor, everything she believed disintegrated; the volatile pieces of her new life were suddenly shattered. It was exactly as Caroline had suggested. John refused the heart. Once he was notified that the heart was available, he pressured the doctor to find out who was next on the list. As much as the doctor told John that he wasn’t allowed to share such information, John somehow talked him into finding out. When John discovered it was a young mom, he said he couldn’t take the heart knowing she may never get one.

As much as Chelsea wanted to admire such a selfless act, she couldn’t. All she felt was this intense and unbearable anger. He left her when he could have stayed. That changed everything about his death. Instead of looking back, viewing their last months as if they were waiting for something that never came, she instead realized that he had passed up his opportunity to stay with her. Certainly she didn’t want Caroline to have died, but John left a young child fatherless. How could he do such a thing? He left her a widow. After once suffering as a widower himself, how could he make a choice that left her alone to raise their child?

With this newfound revelation came grief deeper and more penetrating than Chelsea had yet to experience. She didn’t lose a husband who fought until the end; he left her willingly. That word
willingly
echoed in her mind. It was up to him and he chose to leave her.

As Bob rode into town, he felt more unsettled than he could ever remember. He had tried Chelsea’s number several times, but she wasn’t answering. Gail had the afternoon off and had picked up Sara Beth just after lunch. They assumed Chelsea would run errands or do whatever she needed without a toddler tagging along. That wasn’t the case. The call he received from Chelsea’s neighbor had disturbed him enough to get him moving quickly toward town.

Inside the ice cream parlor, Bob found Chelsea just as Doug said he would. She was sitting at a table facing away from the windows, feet in the chair, and knees pulled to her chest. At the moment, she didn’t seem to be crying as Doug had last seen her, but she was clearly not okay.

Resting his hand on her shoulder, he squatted down beside her, saying, “Moonshine, it’s Daddy.”

When she turned to look at him, her expression was rather blank, as if she were confused as to why he had come for her, so softly he said, “I’m here to take you home. Can you stand up for me?”

Chelsea shook her head. “I can’t leave yet.”

In all the times he had witnessed her depressive episodes, and they could be called nothing less, he had never seen her appear so withdrawn.

“Why’s that? What are you waiting for?”

“I’m trying to figure it out.”

“What?”

“Why he would lie to me that way. Do you know?”

Bob was even more confused. When he had heard she was at the ice cream parlor, knowing John proposed there, he assumed she was simply there remembering and grieving. Their anniversary was just around the corner, and he and Gail had both been bracing themselves for the worst. She had done too well to not fall apart eventually. They sensed her true grief was yet come.

“Chelsea, honey, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Right here, at this very table, he said as long as it was up to him, he would never leave me, but he did.”

“You know he was very sick. It was nothing he chose.”

“He took himself off the transplant list. He stopped fighting for us.”

Bob was shaken, surprised that Chelsea knew. As far as he knew, John never planned to tell her what he had done. Trying to collect his thoughts, he moved over into the chair across from her.

When her dad said nothing to show surprise at what she had told him, she asked, “Did you know?”

He nodded. Pausing for a moment, remembering how angry he was with John when he found out, he finally said, “I didn’t know until it was too late.”

When John admitted what he had done, Bob hardly spoke to him for almost a week. As much as John tried to explain his actions, Bob was furious. It was just as Chelsea said: it was as if John stopped fighting. In all his years as an adult, even as a teenager, technically, Bob had never had what he had consider a close friend. He worked and had a family. Who had time for friendships? But with John, Bob had found someone he could relate to like no one he had ever known, which might seem ridiculous to some considering their different places in life. Deep down, though, no matter the businessman John became, he was still just a guy. They did guy stuff, and Bob enjoyed it.

As for John bailing on his daughter, that made him the maddest. He knew what would happen to Chelsea without John. He never had any doubt the time would come when she would slip off into that place where no one could reach her. By the vacant look in her eyes, he could tell she was already there.