Beyond Clueless (9 page)

“My name is James Caradonna. I’m a freshman at Bracksville High.” Jimmy cleared his throat, and Christy started playing.

And his audition was terrible. I wish it hadn’t been, but it was.
Really
terrible.

Red-faced, he climbed back up to where we were sitting, and I could tell that no amount of our clapping could take away the humiliation. Then I noticed Derek slip Jimmy a cough drop. Jimmy’s hand lingered on Derek’s fingers.

Then the next name was called out, and Derek reluctantly broke away to make his way down the auditorium steps to the stage.

“Hi, I’m Derek Mylvaganam, and I’m, uh, a freshman at Weeksburg High.” Derek shifted from foot to foot as Christy pounded out the intro. Clearly, he was in the lowest level of hell. My whole body was clenched in sympathy as he began singing.

Wow. He was . . . not bad! Not bad at all. I mean, he looked like he’d rather be cleaning toilets at a Greyhound bus station, but his singing was totally great. Even Jimmy was surprised—his mouth was literally open, his slack jaw dangling.

When he finished, we whooped and hollered as we had for Jimmy. But Derek couldn’t even look up at us, he was so mortified.

“Uh, and I’ll be reading a monologue from
A Raisin in the Sun
.”

Except that he looked more like he was removing his own skin with a guitar pick instead. The boy seriously did not want to be on that stage.

Jimmy reached over and grabbed my hand, giving it a death squeeze until Derek finally stopped. He had barely finished speaking the last word before he zoomed off the stage and back to his seat.

Kirby grabbed Derek’s shoulders from behind and shook him while the rest of us bombarded him with oh-my-god-you’re-so-good!s. We didn’t even hear Jenny McCafferty call out Oliver’s name the first time.

“IS THERE AN OLIVER KAPLAN HERE?” she repeated, waving her sign-up sheet at the audience.

Oliver leapt up from his seat and jogged down to the stage, but not before Kirby had flicked off Oliver’s baseball cap.

“I’m here! I’m here! Sorry about that . . .”

He slapped his music in front of Christy and vaulted onto the stage. He flashed his bright white smile at Sister Mary Alice and Mrs. Murray.

“Hey, there. I’m Oliver Kaplan, I go to Weeksburg High, just like Derek up there. He was good, wasn’t he?”

“Your song, Mr. Kaplan?” asked Sister Mary Alice. I couldn’t see her expression, but I’d bet it wasn’t amusement.

“Right—my song. I will be singing ‘Slow Boat to China.’ ” He made a big show of clearing his throat, then swung a pointed finger at Christy. “Christy, take it away!” He gave her a big wink.

Oh, Oliver. What a card.

Christy giggled and started bouncing out the intro.

Oliver’s grin didn’t leave his face for a second. His pitch, on the other hand, was all over the place. The boy was apparently tone-deaf.

But that didn’t slow him down at all: He did a cute little swaying thing, with his palms out, as if he were some sort of 1940s showman. Actually, he looked like he was having a ball, completely ignoring his own inability to produce an actual melody, and the joy was infectious. Even Xiang was watching him with a big, silly grin.

When Oliver finished, he gave a grand, sweeping bow, and it wasn’t just our group giving him a rousing cheer. He put one hand over his heart and pointed at Christy with the other. “Christy, ladies and gentlemen! Let’s hear it for Christy!”

Who knew he was such a ham?

Unfortunately, Oliver’s acting skills weren’t much of an improvement over his voice. He talked his way through his monologue in a stilted way, completely overemphasizing random words and rushing through the wrong parts. But he took another deep bow afterward, beaming his adorable smile and blowing kisses to the audience.

When he got back up to our group, he snatched his baseball cap back from Kirby and sank into the seat next to me.

“Whaddyathink?” he asked me, grinning.

I chuckled and gave him a sidelong glance. “You’re full of surprises—I’ll give you that.”

Derek leaned over and whispered at the group, “OK, all of us have auditioned. Can we leave now?”

Jimmy looked at me, and I involuntarily looked over toward where Mall Guy was sitting.

“Uh, yeah, you guys can go,” I said. “I’m gonna stick around and see the rest of the auditions—my dad’s coming at eight to pick me up, anyway. Plus, we can’t all fit in Kirby’s car, right?” I turned to Xiang. “But you could go with them.”

Xiang looked at me like I was nuts. “Uh, thanks but no thanks. I’m staying as long as possible. I’m in no rush to get home.”

Oliver and Jimmy looked torn about whether to stay, but Derek was already standing and slinging his bag over his shoulder. Jimmy gave my hand a final squeeze as he trailed after Derek.

Oliver turned to me and said hurriedly, “You did really, really great. I was really impressed. See ya!” Then he followed Kirby down the steps. I noticed that Kirby was looking over to where Mall Guy was sitting, trying to get one final look at the beautiful boy.

Xiang scooched over to sit next to me. “Your friends are really nice. And they’re so cute! Especially Oliver.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, smiling. “It’s too bad he plays for the other team.”

“Well, it looks like you’ve got your eye on another player altogether,” she said accusingly, angling her head toward Mall Guy.

“What? Him?” I sputtered, totally unconvincingly.

“Uh-huh,” she teased. “You’re not as subtle as you think you are.”

Well, I’m not the only one, I thought, scanning all the girls in the audience who had been sneaking glances at him throughout the evening.

There weren’t that many people left to audition, and soon they called up Matt Berzinski, who turned out to be the big guy who had come in with Mall Guy. He was a mess—the song was barely comprehensible, and he read from one of the extra monologue sheets in exactly one tone of voice the whole time.

Then Jenny called out, “Felix Peroni.” The tall, dark, handsome stranger from Maplewood Mall sauntered up to the stage.

“Hi, I’m Felix,” he said to Sister Mary Alice, his voice as deep as I remembered. “I’m a junior at St. Paul’s with Matt. This evening I’m going to sing ‘Some Enchanted Evening’ for you. Christy . . . if you please?”

Xiang huffed, “Didn’t we already see Oliver do that whole ‘banter’ thing?”

I shushed her.

This guy wasn’t just hot; he was good. His singing was amazing. And he knew it. And the girls in the audience knew it. The supermodel girl, Kate O’Day, stood and gave a piercing whistle during the applause.

His monologue was from some play I’d never heard of, and he breezed through it. He turned his dark eyes on Sister Mary Alice and gave her a news-anchor grin. “Thank you very much. I look forward to hearing from you.”

This guy was confident—that was for sure.

As he made his way back to his seat, he looked over the audience, and for a moment his eyes met mine. And I couldn’t tell if it was my imagination or not, but I thought I saw the shadow of a wink. Like, his cheek went up for a split second to create the slight
suggestion
of a wink.

That, or he had a twitch.

But I wanted to believe it was a wink.

Date:
Thursday, September 10

To:
undisclosed recipients

Subject:
INTO THE WOODS CALLBACK LIST

Hi, Jenny McCafferty here, with the results of our first audition (attached).

Thanks so much to everyone for coming—it was a huge success! Woo-hoo!

Unfortunately, there are only eighteen roles in the musical, so we can’t have everyone take part onstage. But if you don’t find your name on the callback list, or if you don’t make it to the final cast after the callback audition, there are other ways to be part of the OLOTO fall musical:
There are two assistant stage manager positions still open,
as well as positions in set design, props, costumes, orchestra, and so on.

If your name IS listed, callbacks will be held on Monday, September 14, at Jerry Hall, 3:45
P.M.
SHARP.

Keep on keepin’ on,

Jenny

P.S. Go, Acorns!

I took a deep breath before I opened the attachment. My mental drumroll was still rumbling in my head when I saw it halfway down the list:

Martha Sullivan.

Woo-hoo, indeed! Fun! Fun! Fun!

Let’s see, let’s see: Gosh, Kate O’Day . . . Maria Kilkenny . . . Derek Mylvaganam! Ah, there he was: Felix Peroni. (Oh, of course he was there!)

Hmm, there was no James Caradonna. No Oliver Kaplan, either.

Crap. Crappity-crap-crap.

(But yay for me!)

On Friday night, Xiang told her parents she was coming over to my house to work on a school project. If by “school project” she meant going over to Jimmy’s house to watch Bollywood movies with me, Derek, Oliver, and Kirby, then, no, it wasn’t a lie. Xiang spent about fifteen minutes changing her clothes and putting on makeup at my house before we left for la Casa di Caradonna. I realized that with all her practiced primping, this girl could be a very good influence on me.

But then, as we were walking through the woods to Jimmy’s, Xiang pulled a cigarette out of her purse and smoked it. So maybe not.

Jimmy’s sister, Jeanie, answered the door. This time she was decked out in riding boots and an equestrian helmet, and she flicked a riding crop against her leg impatiently.
“They’re in the drawing room,” she said archly, putting on a thick British accent so
drawing
ended up with a few more syllables than you would think.

“Er, you mean the den?”

Jeanie simply sniffed and stalked away. Xiang asked me where she rode horses around here.

“Oh, probably nowhere. Jeanie’s just . . . odd.”

Kirby and Oliver hadn’t come yet, but Derek was very much there. He and Jimmy were sucking face on the couch when Xiang and I walked in.

“Break it up, break it up!” I said, shoving Jimmy aside so I could sit between them.

What? Oh, whatever, they see each other all the time.

Xiang sat down on a big cushion on the floor. “Hey, Derek, congratulations on getting the callback!” she said.

Derek didn’t look particularly thrilled about it, but he mumbled his thanks. I squeezed Jimmy with one arm, saying, “Aww, and a big thank-you to you, Mr. Caradonna, for auditioning. I know it wasn’t easy . . . for any of us.”

Jimmy stuck his tongue out at me. “Ha-ha. Well, what’re you gonna do? It was worth a shot.”

“I’m surprised Oliver didn’t get called back. I mean, he definitely connected with the audience,” I said.

Jimmy seized my arm suddenly. “Hey, do you know if that super-attractive guy got called back?” he asked.

Derek jabbed him in the side.

“Ow,” said Jimmy, laughing, “I mean,
supposedly
super-attractive guy.”

“Who?” I asked as innocently as I could. There was a collective groan. I clearly wasn’t fooling anyone.

“You know who. Mr. Dreamboat!”

“Oh, she knows all right,” Xiang said. “His name’s Felix, and yes, he was called back.”

Damn her. Traitor.

“Is he gay?” I blurted out.

Derek and Jimmy looked at me blankly.

“You’re asking us?”

“Yeah, ya know, aren’t you supposed to have gaydar or something? Oh, don’t you give me that patronizing look. I think that’s a legitimate question.”

Jimmy just chuckled, shaking his head.

“We’ll have to defer to the expert,” said Derek. “Oh, and—speak of the devil—I think I hear him now.”

Just then, Kirby walked in, trailed by Oliver.

Kirby was wearing Oliver’s baseball cap backward, with his red hair poking out in front. It looked so . . . ridiculous.

“What’s up, mah bitches?” he barked at us, swaggering into the room.

Xiang gave Kirby a withering look that surprised even him. He broke character, erupting into a peal of laughter. “I’m so kidding. I’m—I don’t—hey, good to see you again.” He removed Oliver’s hat, covering his face to hide it from where Xiang sat. “She’s scary,” he hissed at me, grinning.

“And don’t you forget it,” I replied.

“Hey, Kirby,” Derek said, “Marty wants to know if that guy you were ogling at the audition yesterday is gay.”

“It’s a
legitimate question
!” I cried out, giving Derek a bop with a couch pillow.

“Of course he is. Everyone’s gay,” Kirby replied without hesitation.

Um, OK?

“Oh, don’t listen to him,” Oliver interjected. “His grand theory on life doesn’t really make sense.”

“It’s just a question of time. And opportunity,” Kirby continued. “And I, for one, would like an opportunity with that guy.”

“And he’s not the only one,” Oliver said, shaking his head, laughing.

“Why? Who’s after my man?” Kirby asked in mock alarm.

“No, I meant that that guy’s not the only one you want an opportunity with.”

Kirby rolled his eyes and jiggled his head a bit. “Well,
duh
. I’m
breathing
. But that guy was something, huh? He get called back?”

“Yup,” Xiang said. “Oh, and, Oliver, you were totally robbed. You should have been called back.”