Beyond Control (18 page)

“So what is it that you want to tell me? What great reason are you going to give me?” I narrowed my eyes at Aaron, waiting for his reply. Instead, I heard my father’s voice.

“Gabby, we never should’ve kept you in the dark,” my dad began. “But there was a lot to the story, especially for a twelve year old. We didn’t think it was fair to burden you.”

I turned to look at my father. “Are you telling me you knew where Aaron was the entire time?” My heart was racing fast, my ears were pounding, and yet, I felt like my world had come to a standstill. In fact, was this even my life or was I just a puppet in a world that people had built for me?

My father placed his hand over mine.

“Well?” I demanded.

“I knew where he was,” my dad whispered, nodding.

I saw the same look in Carla’s eyes and realized I had been played for a fool. In the eyes of my parents and brother I must have been a naïve adolescent who apparently couldn’t handle life’s bumps. And that was the farthest thing from the truth. Anger was firing through me, but instead of rage threatening to surface, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. All I had wanted to find out was why he had left. And now I find out I was the only one who didn’t know what had happened? I dropped my gaze to the red and white-checkered tablecloth and blinked back the moisture. I wasn’t going to lose control. Not here and especially not in front of my brother.

“Aaron?” I looked at him and waited. I waited for him to tell me what was so important that he would leave his twelve year old sister behind and alone with a father who didn’t care about much of anything besides money.

Aaron propped his elbows on the table and began rubbing his temples.

“Do you want Jason and me to leave?” Brandy asked. “We can sit in the other room.”

“No.” I shook my head and glanced at Jason. “I’d like you to be here.”

Jason looked at me and nodded before turning his attention to Aaron.

“You’ve made her wait long enough. It’s time you man up,” Jason told Aaron.

“It’s not about that,” Aaron muttered, looking over at my father.

“Gabby,” my dad began.

“No. I want to hear it from Aaron.” I said, pushing away my plate. “He’s the one who left.”

“We never wanted to hurt you,” Aaron began. “We initially did it to protect you.”

“From what?” I asked, the heat rising up my body.

“The night mom passed away, I found out something that changed everything I grew up believing,” Aaron said. “And I was afraid it would shatter who you thought she was, and who you thought I was.”

“I don’t understand,” I replied, shaking my head. “I was twelve, not seven. What could have been so earth-shattering that I wouldn’t be able to handle it? You leaving me was far worse than anything that could have been the issue.”

Aaron exhaled and looked at my father. “Mom had an affair and…”

“Mom had an affair and so you left?” Mom had more than one. Why was this news?

“We don’t share the same father, biologically, that is,” Aaron said, his voice low. “It shook me to my core when dad told me.”

“It was my fault,” my dad jumped in. “I never should have done what I did by telling him when I did. I just…” my dad’s voice trailed off, and I watched Carla grab his hand across the table.

“Mom told dad right before she passed away that I wasn’t his biological son,” Aaron continued. He was looking directly at me.

“So you left?” I asked, completely overwhelmed and confused. “I don’t understand why you would have left because of that?”

“You say that now,” my dad replied.

I turned to face him. I was so angry my ears were even hot. “No. I’m pretty sure I would have said that then as well.”

“Mom was an angel in your eyes. Dad was beyond distraught. Not only did he lose his wife, he lost what he thought they had shared – the trust, the honesty. I was shell-shocked and knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut around you. We didn’t want to destroy the mom you remembered. Hearing me tell you this now just makes me sick. I know it makes no sense, and it never should have happened the way it did.” Aaron shook his head and leaned back in the chair, anger nipping at his words.

“Aaron’s trying to take far more of the blame then he should,” my father replied. “I—”

“You what?” I challenged.

“I asked him to leave.”

Moisture filled my eyes, but I blinked it away. Brandy slid her hand to mine and squeezed it, but I still didn’t feel like I was of this world.

“So you took away my brother because you didn’t think I could handle the truth about my mother?” I asked my father, beyond furious.

“You were only twelve and dad thought he was doing it for the best. You weren’t holding up well and he thought this would tip you over…” Aaron interjected.

“I was twelve. Of course, I wasn’t handling my mom’s death well but having the one support system ripped out from under me because
you
couldn’t handle it?” I turned my attention back to my father. “That’s what all this boils down to. It wasn’t whether or not I could handle it, because we all know I could have handled it. You
know
that.” It felt like my blood pressure was off the charts. My heart was beating so fast that the room was spinning.

Aaron attempted to say something, but I spoke over him still looking at my father. He was trading glances with Aaron, while Carla sat quietly, holding his hand.

“But you… You were the one who couldn’t handle it.” I pointed at my father, narrowing my eyes as each word left my lips. “This is beyond pathetic. You know what? You are pathetic. He was my brother, and you kicked him out for no fault of his? I can’t...”

“Gabby, I completely understood,” Aaron interrupted, attempting to protect my father. “It wasn’t dad’s fault. I didn’t want to stay either. I felt like my whole life had been a sham. I just needed to get away…”

My neck snapped at Aaron’s admission.

“You wanted to leave? I was still your sister,” I said, as a lump formed in the back of my throat.

“I didn’t plan on it being for so long. Weeks turned into months which turned into years. I joined the marines and…” he explained and looked over at Jason.

“I don’t understand why it turned into a protect Gabby crusade. I don’t believe it for a second. I think you both couldn’t handle it, and I was just the cop out,” I said, slipping my hand from Brandy’s. I wanted to bolt, but I wasn’t going to allow those emotions to come to the surface, not here. Not in front of them.

“I think you’re absolutely right,” Aaron said, nodding. “I wish I hadn’t left. I wish I had done a lot of things differently, but I didn’t.”

“You tried to come to Gabby’s graduation,” my father offered, pressing his lips together. “But I advised against it.”

“I do remember that,” Jason said, glancing at me. “Aaron was devastated.”

A laughter I couldn’t explain came from deep within my belly. “By my high school graduation, I had completely written Aaron off. I had my own problems to deal with.” I shrugged and shook my head, feeling the throbbing begin at the base of my skull. My blood pressure wasn’t where it needed to be.

“Your father thought it would be for the best, especially with all of the health concerns…” Carla said, attempting to appease me.

There was no appeasing me.

“Health concerns?” Aaron asked, his brow furrowing.

I held up my hand in protest. “It’s not important.”

“It was very important and still is,” Carla whispered.

“She was sick?” Aaron’s voice was no longer calm.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I replied, catching Aaron’s gaze. “Seriously.”

Aaron’s jaw clenched and his hands were fisted. He shook his head and glared at Jason and then at my father. “How sick?”

“I’m right here, and I told you all I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m not done discussing the fact that my brother and father were in cahoots and seem to think that playing puppet masters with my life is okay. It’s not okay.”

Aaron sat back in his chair and nodded. I couldn’t get over the fact that he looked so much like my father.

“Are you sure that what my mom told you is true?” I asked the question to anyone who would answer. “She wasn’t exactly coherent toward the end.”

Aaron’s shoulders tensed up as he waited for my father’s answer.

“I’m sure,” my father said, avoiding Aaron’s gaze.

“But you two look alike,” I muttered, turning to look at Aaron. “Do you know who your father is?”

Carla let out a deep sigh, and I knew it was only going to get worse.

“Bernie,” Aaron said, his voice barely audible.

“Dad’s driver?”

Aaron nodded and I leaned back from the table. “And he knows… He knew…” I muttered, shaking my head. “No wonder he’s always been so sweet to me. He felt sorry for me. Shit. I feel sorry for me.”

“Are you doing okay?” Brandy whispered.

“Never been better,” I mumbled.

She arched her brow at me and I nodded.

“Seriously,” I whispered, and I meant it.

I was free. I no longer needed to live my life for anyone else. I had been doing that for the last twenty-two, almost twenty-three years.

I looked at my father and then at Aaron. “I honestly don’t know what to say. I could have used your support, your encouragement, your love for the last decade. But I didn’t get it. And I was fine. I am fine and always will be.” Saying the words aloud felt great. Whether I believed it or not, I had no idea. I felt Jason’s gaze on me as I stared at Aaron. I knew he wanted to make sure I really was okay, but I also knew he’d see right through me. He’d find out the answer before I did.

“I need a moment alone,” I mumbled, trying to scoot my chair back. This was not the girl I wanted to present to the world, and here Jason was to witness my undoing. I glanced at Aaron on my way out and was surprised by what I saw. Tears. But it didn’t undo the last decade.

I walked through the great room and swung open the door, feeling the outside spray hit my face. The wind had picked up and traded raindrops for a veil of mist, which seemed rather fitting. Here I was a college graduate who felt like I was suddenly flung back into my teen years, and those were years I desperately tried to escape. I felt the mist seep into the cotton of my shirt, creating a chill. But being out here was better than being in the house. In there, I felt like an animal at a zoo, everyone watching, waiting for my reaction.

I needed air, time, quiet…

The lawn was wet, and my shoes became completely soaked by the time I reached the beach. Crossing my arms in front of me, I scanned Lake Washington, watching the choppy water in the distance. Being out here gave me the peace I desperately needed. I was so angry, and I wondered if the anger would ever go away, if the knot in my stomach would ever dissolve. But was it really anger or was it fear? How could my father have known this entire time where my brother had been, why he had left? And worse yet, he never told me.

“Gabby.” I heard Jason’s voice over the increasing wind. “Gabby, are you down here?”

I turned around to see Jason climbing down the rocks toward the beach. The wind ruffled his hair, reminding me of the first day I met him on the bridge.

I waved at him, smiling. I didn’t know if I was delirious or if the feelings that spread through me were actually that of freedom. Or maybe it was denial. I was wrapping myself in my own embrace with the wind chill picking up, but I wasn’t ready to go inside. I turned back to the lake and watched a barge slowly chug across the water as I felt Jason come up behind me.

“This made me realize that I’m not missing all that much by not having a family,” he murmured, sliding his arm around my waist. I looked up at him, searching his expression as he took me in.

“No family?” I asked.

He pressed his lips into a thin line and shook his head. “Foster kid,” he replied as if that would explain everything.

“Really?”

He nodded, his arms still around my waist. “You handled yourself amazingly well in there. I don’t think I could’ve been so calm. Shit. I wanted to reach across the table and choke ‘em both.”

“Thanks for that.” I smiled at him. “I don’t know how I did it either, but halfway through, this sense of peace settled over me.” I bit my lip and looked back toward the house. “Kind of like I don’t owe anyone anything any longer.”

A look of intrigue entered Jason’s gaze as his eyes coasted over me, stirring a familiar warmth within me.

“Is that so?” he asked, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Yeah,” I said, feeling the breeze pick up. “Espresso place still for sale?” I teased, watching as the Douglas fir branches began dipping with the wind. My eyes landed on the little building set back from the shore and Jason followed my gaze. “You want to know what the kicker is?”

Jason stood in front of me, nodding and listening. It felt amazing to have someone to just listen, not pass judgment or offer advice.

“I knew my mom wasn’t faithful. I was like five or six and walked in on her. Literally. And here my father and brother claim they wanted to shield me from it.” I shook my head and let out a sigh. “I already knew she was no angel.”

“I’m glad you know the truth or at least their version of it,” Jason offered.

I nodded, feeling the winds shift. The mist would soon break into rain.

“We should probably go back inside,” I whispered, feeling Jason slide his hand into mine.

“Or?” he asked, grinning.

I no longer wanted to do what was right, what was expected of me. The first raindrop hit my forehead and then the second before the clouds tipped over, dumping the summer showers on us both. We were drenched in seconds. We ran toward the boathouse, my hand still firmly in his as we followed the stone path that led away from the main house. I reached above the doorframe and felt for the key. Finding it quickly, I unlocked the door, both of us almost falling over one another to get inside.

The boathouse was filled with knick-knacks like old glass floats and vintage ship bells on every bare surface. There were two large couches positioned to look over the lake, with a large leather ottoman acting as a coffee table. This was one place that Carla had never touched.