Beyond Reason (15 page)

“I knew you didn’t believe the rumors or you would have approached me about them, getting a girl pregnant.” There was something commanding in his voice, something that made me doubt my decision to be here tonight. “That’s how well I knew you, Lily.”

“You know me better than anyone ever has,” I confessed, my gaze connecting with his.

“No. I
knew
you better than anyone ever has. I don’t know you at all now.” His words stung, but I knew I deserved far worse.

“I want to know why you ran.”

“I ask myself that all the time,” I whispered.

“And what answer have you come up with?” his voice softened only slightly. “I know your parents hated me with a passion, but please don’t tell me they were the reason.”

I shook my head. “They weren’t the reason, Austin. I was afraid of losing you. After losing Jake, the thought of you leaving me consumed me. I didn’t want to go through that twice.”

“But you lost me by leaving.” He didn’t seem convinced.

I nodded. “It was on my terms. When Jake died, it suddenly made loss seem real. But the truth of it was, I lost him months before. I was barely holding on when he left me until you made me laugh again. You helped me get through every single day.”

“I remember.”

Austin saved me and I thanked him by fleeing.

“Everything between us happened so fast after his death, and I knew that we were headed to different colleges, different states. When you offered me the promise ring, I didn’t want the heartache of falling deeper in love with you, only to lose you. Only to have you leave me once you fell in love with someone else at your new college. I know it makes no sense. I can see that now, but I wasn’t right in the head after Jake’s death. Nothing I did made sense. I’m not asking for you to excuse my behavior. There’s no excusing it, but I want you to know that I’m deeply sorry for what I did to you, what I did to us.”

Austin’s phone buzzed and he glanced at it. “Sorry. I wouldn’t normally grab it, but it’s my son.”

My jaw dropped as he answered his phone and began speaking quietly, telling his son good night before hanging up and glancing at me.

“So the rumors
were
true?” I asked.

His gaze steadied on mine.

“Partially.”

Shock rolled through me as his admission settled in a place deep within my soul. My gaze fell to the table while I tried to sift through the many emotions drilling into me. Anger, confusion, and disgust were the top three that rattled me enough to keep me silent. For the last several years, I’d been carrying the burden that I ruined something perfect and close to my heart. I held Austin up as the ideal relationship model, which seemed completely unattainable, as I tried and tried again to recreate it. But apparently, the reason I could never find it was because it was unreachable, impossible. I reached for my glass of wine and drank enough to numb the betrayal. I had wasted how many years searching for that kind of love when it didn’t even exist in the first place?

I chewed on my cheek nervously and felt the fury finally begin to make its way to the surface. “Ever since I left you, I’ve been suffocating from guilt and remorse. Instead of accepting what we had as special, I searched for it everywhere with men who did nothing for me. But apparently I was wrong. I was on a pursuit for something that was impossible. I was the fool. Every man that I dismissed over the years because they weren’t you…” I couldn’t even finish my statement and just shook my head, bringing my gaze to meet his.

I recognized the intensity in his eyes as he waited for my silence. The heat behind his expression made my words seem inconsequential, like he’d been waiting for me to confess my love for him this entire time. But it didn’t change anything between us. The facts were still what they were. I left him. And he got someone pregnant.

“Lily, I didn’t cheat on you. I never would’ve done that.” I saw the fierce loyalty that I’d come to love in high school reappear, but I wouldn’t fall for it this time. Those drama classes had paid off far more than I realized. The phone call was all the proof I needed.

“But you have a son,” I stated, raising a brow.

The waiter appeared, refilling my glass and taking our plates away.

Austin nodded.

“With her?”

“When you left, I was heartbroken. I didn’t think love could hurt like that. I didn’t think love was supposed to hurt like that, but it did. I never thought you’d believe the rumors,” his voice lowered.

“Apparently, they weren’t rumors,” I said sharply.

“They were rumors. I didn’t even know Christy before then. I mean why would I? She went to the other high school in our town.” Hearing her name roll off of his tongue so easily made me cringe. It implied a closeness I hadn’t expected even with the recent revelation.

“Your parents are very influential,” he continued.

“Why are you bringing my parents into this?” I snapped, never before feeling a need to protect the family that had valued position in society over love, loyalty, and family. I knew this about them already.

Austin’s brow arched and he ignored my question. “Like I said, I never even knew who this Christy chick was, and then all of a sudden, she’s the reason I lost the person I cared about, and as it turned out, so did Christy. Your parents made sure this rumor turned into more than just a rumor.”

“What did my parents do? Lock you two in a room together and throw away the key?” I scoffed.

But no matter how angry I was at Austin, I knew what he was implying. I’d seen it pan out many times before during campaigns. The dirt my father’s team was willing to dig up and fabricate against any other candidate always ensured my father’s victory. I just didn’t understand the connection between my boyfriend and some eighteen-year old at another high school. And then Austin continued and it all made perfect, maddening sense.

“Christy was the daughter of the candidate running against your father in the next election. My father and grandfather contributed a significant amount toward his campaign, not your father’s.”

“I had no idea,” I muttered, my heart crushing like it was going to implode. I wished beyond anything that I had more faith in my parents, but I didn’t. I believed Austin. I only wish I’d believed him when it counted.

“It got nasty, and we didn’t even realize the connection until it was too late. Christy’s summer was full of horrible Facebook posts and tweets. Kids in town jumped on it and tormented her. She did an amazing job of ignoring it, but unfortunately her boyfriend began to believe some of the things people were saying and posting. It was so bizarre to see it unfold the way it did.”

I tried to remember anything that my parents might have mentioned from that time, but they kept silent about it. My father had won the election, that much I could recall, but at what cost?

“Do you know how many nights I laid awake wondering what our lives could’ve been, if things went the natural course, without interference?” he asked, his eyes darkening a shade. “I loved you.”

I dipped my gaze, shaking my head.
Loved, past tense.

“Once my parents realized what was going on, they attempted to expose everything because I was being portrayed as such a creep, but I didn’t even care about what I looked like. I never paid attention to that stuff. I didn’t even have a Facebook account.”

My heart sank as my mind swirled around all of the components—the mess I’d left Austin in—all because he had cared about me, but I couldn’t understand how he had a son. How did that fit into the equation?

“But anything I thought I faced was nothing compared to what Christy went through.” His jaw tensed and he took a sip of wine. “You can imagine what kinds of things were said about her. What kinds of things your father said about his opponent and his family. I didn’t even know the girl in the beginning, but I was concerned about her. She shut down her Facebook page, Twitter account, all of it. But that didn’t stop the pages that were still actively going about the topic. It even continued after the election. She had a somewhat positive outlook about it and could joke about all the fourteen year olds who trolled her, but I knew she was hurt.”

My stomach tightened as I nodded my head slightly. I knew exactly what my father’s team was capable of. He had a lot of money thanks to real estate, and he enjoyed throwing it toward buying elections.

“When you left, you took a piece of me with you, a big piece. I wanted someone to fill that void, Lily. I wanted to be close to someone again.”

My eyes locked on his, understanding that same endless search. Austin’s expression hardened as he ran his hands through his hair.

“Christy wasn’t even pregnant. But her boyfriend didn’t care. He left her.”

I recognized the same Austin I knew so many years ago as his voice filled with compassion talking about the events that forever changed his life and mine. It wasn’t my time to speak. It was my time to listen to the pain I caused; the problems I created all because of a choice I made, the choice to run away from love and life, my life.

“Christy and I got close, Lily,” he said softly. “I’m not going to lie and candy-coat it. I was there for her when she needed it most, and she was there for me when I needed that void to be filled. What I didn’t understand was that it couldn’t be filled.”

A lump formed in the back of my throat that I fought with all my might to force back down. He deserved to find that someone. I shouldn’t mourn something I so freely tossed aside. I lost that right many years ago.

“It was our first year at college when she got pregnant.” A smile spread across his lips and I had to look away.

“I’m so…”

“Lily,” he interrupted. “My son is the greatest gift I could ask for. I wouldn’t take anything back. Nothing.” His eyes held me in place as the words landed firmly in place. “Carter showed me what is important in life, what love truly means. Christy and I weren’t meant to be together. I didn’t love her like a man should love his partner and she didn’t love me, not like that. We both came into each other’s life for a reason and that reason was to bring Carter into this world.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” I uttered.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted to tell you my truth. You haven’t been the only one searching all these years. I wanted to see it in Christy, that kind of love you and I had. I wanted to believe that she would fill the void you left, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. All of those letters you sent, I kept every single one of them. She actually found some tucked in a drawer, which didn’t sit well for obvious reasons.”

“Please, forgive me,” I whispered.

“I forgave you the moment you left, but I couldn’t forget you no matter how hard I tried.” He slid his hand across the table, and his fingers ran across my hand, sending a warm and familiar sensation through me. “I’m sorry for being an ass.”

“You weren’t,” I murmured. “I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

I felt his gaze on me and looked up to meet the heat in his eyes.

“Where do we go from here?” I asked.

He shook his head and smiled. “I honestly don’t know.”

He released his hand and leaned back in the chair just as our dinners were placed in front of us.

“So you and Christy?” I glanced down at my plate, trying to make my question sound casual.

“We parted ways before Carter was even born. She knew I hadn’t gotten over you, and I couldn’t pretend any more. Christy deserved better and she found it. We take co-parenting seriously. I was in the room when he was born, and I’ve been there ever since. And it will always be like that.”

My heart warmed with his acknowledgment of responsibility and love. And it represented growth so much deeper than what I had demanded out of my own life. It was literally like I was stagnant, a buoy bouncing up and down in the same spot, waiting to be set free. But what would it take?

“I’ve felt stuck in life, and I’ve never done anything to change that,” I confessed. “Hearing everything you’ve done and been through makes me feel foolish.”

“Don’t do that,” Austin said softly.

“What?”

“Put yourself down. You did that after Jake’s death and it killed me. That wasn’t your fault, just like this isn’t your fault. Everything happens for a reason.”