Beyond the Consequences: Book 5 of the Consequences Series (Volume 5) (12 page)

“
Maybe
eliminate?” Claire tried to clarify.

“Listen to me. I’d like you to be honest with yourself and with me. Why do you really want to be off the medication?”

Tears momentarily blurred Claire’s vision. “I know why.”

Dr. Brown didn’t speak; instead, she nodded.

“I want to be me. The medications keep me in the middle. Does that make sense?”

“Explain, Claire. Help me understand.”

Claire sat taller. “I feel happy and sad. I become aroused. But it’s all in moderation. I want the highs and lows I used to have. I don’t want to feel detached. It’s gotten a little better since you’ve made some adjustments. I want it to get all the way better.”

“Hmm. Those are valid requests. I know that from what you’ve told me you and your husband have had an intense past. Do you not feel like it’s the same?”

Claire shrugged. “It is and it isn’t. We’ve both been through a lot. We’ve changed. Our everyday life is everything I’d ever dreamt of. And yes, we’re physically compatible.”

“Well,
physically compatible
… that sounds sexually pleasing.”

Claire stood again, walked toward the side of the room, and pretended to look at the pictures she’d seen a million times.

“What is it, Claire?”

“I think the medicine makes it more difficult for me to…”

“To become aroused?” Dr. Brown suggested.

Claire nodded. “I think there’s something wrong with me. When we’re alone together, and Tony’s all sweet and loving, I’m not as into it as I am when he’s more possessive and demanding.” Claire turned toward Dr. Brown. “He’s not mean. I don’t mean that. I just like it when… jeez, I can’t believe I’m saying this.”

“What you’re feeling isn’t wrong. The medications you’ve been prescribed can affect arousal and sexual functioning; however, for you it appears more than that. Go on.”

“I like when we’re equal partners outside of the bedroom, but in it, I like when he’s in charge. I don’t want to need him to be that way. I want to be able to like the other times too.”

“Tell me about the other times.”

Claire sighed and closed her eyes. Sitting back down, thoughts of her husband came to her mind. “He can be romantic and giving. After all of this time he can take a normal night and make it feel like a date, as if it doesn’t matter that he spent his day making multi-million dollar decisions, as if now I’m the only other person in the world.” Her heart fluttered. “Honestly, that’s the man I fell in love with: the one who would listen to me and talk with me. I didn’t have anyone else: he was my world. I knew that he had other people, and I guess I felt special because he chose to spend his time with me.” Claire met Dr. Brown’s eyes. “Now, we both have other people and he can still do that, still make me feel like it’s only the two of us.”

Dr. Brown didn’t speak.

“Those times make me love him more than ever, and I want to reciprocate his love and gestures. I just feel like sometimes there’s a fog, a barrier that I have to push through. And when I hear a more demanding tone or feel a more possessive touch that block goes away.” Claire shook her head. “Before the medication I didn’t feel like this.”

“What happened early on in your relationship when you heard that tone or felt that touch?”

Claire swallowed the lump forming in her throat. “I responded.”

“You responded. What if you weren’t in the mood?”

“It didn’t matter.” Tears streamed from the corner of Claire’s eyes as she closed her lids. Finally she asked, “Are you saying that that’s what’s happening? I’m responding now, like a conditioned response?”

“What do you think?”

“I think I love my husband and I want to be with him. I miss experiencing the sweet times and the more erotic times. I want it all.”

They sat in silence as more tears formed in Claire’s eyes. Her thoughts swirled. This wasn’t where she planned on this session going. She loved Tony with all her heart and soul. She adored the man who made her feel as though the sun rose and set because of her, and she craved the man who craved her. As she contemplated the two Tonys, thoughts of Emily’s baby infiltrated. Claire knew it wasn’t right for her to be jealous of her sister, not after all she’d done for her. However, Emily had experienced all the baby firsts, twice. She’d had them with both Michael and Nichol. Though it was selfish, Claire realized what she truly wanted. It wasn’t only to feel everything, no matter how intense. No, she wanted more than that.

Wiping her eyes with a tissue, Claire faced Dr. Brown. “I want another baby. I want to experience the time we missed with Nichol. I don’t want to replace her. That’s not what I mean. But we missed so much. She was a baby—a tiny baby, three months old. We missed her crawling, walking, talking. When we got her back she was a little person with a mind of her own.” Claire wiped the tear from her cheek. “She’s the most beautiful, amazing child, but I want what I missed.”

Claire’s chest suddenly felt lighter with the verbalization of her realization. It was cathartic. Subconsciously, she’d been thinking about another baby for months now. Every time she talked with Emily about Beth, Courtney about Julia, or saw Sue with her two children. But up until this moment, Claire hadn’t admitted the truth to anyone, not even herself. Getting off the medication was more than about the way it made her feel. It was about wanting another baby.

“Have you spoken to your husband about any of this?”

Claire shook her head.

“Why?”

“Because, the sex stuff… I don’t want him to feel like he needs to behave one way or another for me. I want his true emotions and that’s what I want to give him.”

“That’s fair. What about a baby? Having another baby isn’t a unilateral decision.”

“I know that, and honestly, I think I just fully realized my desire right here, right now.”

Dr. Brown leaned back against her chair. “How do you feel about wanting a baby?”

A smile crept onto Claire’s face. “Excited and relieved. It’s something that’s been lurking for a while, and now, I know that’s what I want.” Claire didn’t want to need these sessions, but maybe she did, maybe the talking did help. “Doctor, I also know my husband. He’ll be worried about me. He’s already concerned about the decrease in medications. He’ll be overly concerned about my getting off of them altogether. And when it comes to a baby, he’ll be worried because… because Nichol’s delivery was rather difficult.”

“Yes, I saw your medical records. The doctor who delivered her sent me his notes.”

“But this time… this time will be different. We aren’t on some tropical island. I’ll be here in Iowa. Things will be better.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

Claire shrugged. “I’d be lying if I said the idea of giving birth again didn’t make me nervous. Tony told me about Nichol’s delivery. I don’t remember any of it.”

Dr. Brown’s eyes widened.

“I was unconscious. It’s not a matter of selective memory, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“I have a statement from your husband, one I’ve had since you were first admitted. I seem to recall the doctor asking him to make a choice.”

Claire sat, nodded again, as the lump re-formed in her throat. “He told me. He said that he told the doctor there was no choice. He had to save us both.” A smirk came to her lips. “Anthony Rawlings has a history of getting what he wants.”

Dr. Brown’s expression hardened. “What if he doesn’t want another baby?”

Claire’s heartbeat quickened. “He will,” she said confidently.

“You know my thoughts. First we need to take our time decreasing the medications, but as we do that, I recommend that you and your husband discuss the expansion of your family. I understand your desire to get off the medicine; however, that isn’t the only step to becoming pregnant.”

“I know,” Claire admitted. “I’m well aware of how it works.”

Dr. Brown looked at the clock in the corner of her computer screen. “My only concern is that you thoroughly consider the positive and negative consequences of this train of thought.”

“Oh, Dr. Brown, let me assure you, I’m thoroughly aware of consequences.”

LATER THAT NIGHT,
Claire stood at the window in their master bedroom suite and gazed out over the darkened backyard.

Seven years.

She wasn’t sure why the thought hadn’t occurred to her until now, late at night on March 19
th
, but it hadn’t. Claire was glad she’d been busy talking to Dr. Brown about her medications, sex, and a baby. The thoughts that she was currently having were not ones she wanted to analyze. Heaven knows they’d been analyzed enough, by her, her doctors, therapists, family, Tony, his therapists, even the whole damn world. Maybe it was that
Rawls-Nichols
card that arrived today. Did the sender remember this date before Claire?

If she did, it didn’t narrow the list of suspected senders. The date, March 19, 2010, was well documented in both Meredith’s book and in court records.

As Claire looked out to the moonlit trees and beyond she couldn’t help but remember the same night seven years ago. The view before her wasn’t the same as the one she saw that night from her suite. Reaching for the handle to the glass door leading to their balcony, Claire fought the urge to open it, to assure that it
would
open. Slowly, she pulled her hand away. The door would open, just as the front door did or any other. Hell, she’d been to Cedar Rapids just today. Everything was different than it had been. The whole damn house was different, and yet it was the same. So many things had changed. Claire wished that some of her memories would be forgotten and gone forever.

The man she was currently married to was nothing like the man of seven years ago. She was different too. They’d both been through so much, too much. However, as Claire stared at the woods she knew that there would forever be triggers. She shook her head. Courtney was right. She even processed her own thoughts like her therapists. Dr. Brown called them that—triggers. They couldn’t be predicted. Although one would think the date would be a predictable annual trigger.

While she, Tony, and Nichol celebrated St. Patrick’s Day with green-frosted cookies and giggled about the way the frosting turned their tongues and teeth green, she had a fleeting thought of a St. Patrick’s Day seven years ago. That was it—just a thought.

Now, staring out onto the silver barren trees and feeling the cool glass, the memories were stronger. Maybe it was the fear she harbored about discontinuing her medications. Maybe it was the thought of having another child. Maybe it was her reality. The past would never fully go away.

Lost in those thoughts, Claire momentarily tensed as warm breath skirted her neck. Just as quickly, she relaxed against the solid chest behind her. “Penny for your thoughts,” his deep voice murmured near her ear.

Shaking her head, Claire swallowed. For a small sliver of time her thoughts had been dark: of dark eyes that threatened and demanded. It was a rabbit hole she refused to explore. Turning, she bravely looked up into those same eyes; however, the eyes before her were no longer hungry. They were dark with love and compassion, understanding and kinship. They were her drug of choice, the force that kept her grounded while allowing her to fly. Shaking her head, she replied, “I was just thinking. That’s all.” Her answer was neither a lie nor the truth.

Tony gently reached for her chin. “You’ve been quiet all night. How did your session with Dr. Brown go today?”

Lifting herself on the tips of her toes, Claire kissed Tony’s lips. The connection as they touched was the electricity she needed to jolt her back to her senses. The warmth traveled from her lips to her core confirming that the man who held her close was her other half, what she needed and wanted every day of her life. The two years they’d been apart had been hell. She wouldn’t allow that to ever happen again—she couldn’t.

Reaching for her shoulders, Tony eased Claire away and stared deep into her eyes. As much as she now loved his dark, penetrating gaze, it also scared her. Not that she feared him. She feared his knowledge of her, his ability to see deep into her soul like no one else. Quickly she diverted her eyes and leaned into his chest.

“We talked about my further decreasing my medications. Dr. Brown said the process needs to be monitored with blood work, but she said that if I think I’m ready, she’ll support me.”

His arms wrapped around her petite frame. “There’s no rush. Making sure you’re all right is most important. Maybe you should wait a while.”

Claire looked back up. “It’s what
I
want. I’m tired of the way they make me feel. I want to be me—totally me.”

“You are you,” Tony encouraged. “Listen to your doctor.”

“I am.” Claire’s neck stiffened and her tone dripped with her pent-up angst. “Talk to her if you want. She said it could be done. We just need to monitor everything. I’m not crazy,” she added defensively.

His warm embrace pulled her closer. “I didn’t say that. No one said that. Well…” He chuckled. “I suppose there are quite a few who’ve thought we’re both crazy for being back together, but for the most part, those people don’t really know us. If you have to be crazy to let me back into your life…” He gently kissed her lips. “…then, Mrs. Rawlings, I’m glad you are.”