Authors: Michelle Love
Sarah sucked in a deep breath. ‘I guess there’s a ton of stuff we didn’t know about each other.’
Isaac smiled wryly. ‘Not true. You were always very open with me – about some painful, horrific stuff too. You deserved better.’
She nodded. ‘You screwed up.’
‘I did and I’m sorry.’
‘Me too.’
There was a long silence. Isaac looked down at his
hands
. ‘Sarah…are you and Dan..?’
‘God, no,’
She
interrupted, her tone one of horror. ‘No, definitely not. Isaac, I swear. Nothing
happened between
me and Dan.’
She saw his
shoulders
relax and he smiled a little, but still he frowned.
‘Sarah, I have to ask…what the hell are you doing back there with him? After
everything
that’s happened?’
Sarah shrugged. ‘I needed to be away. He was kind.’ Then it hit her, the ridiculousness of her staying with her ex-husband – the same ex-husband who only weeks ago, she’d thought wanted to hurt her. She started to grin.
‘What
am
I doing?’ She shook her head. ‘God, what a fucking mess.’
He laughed. ‘Look, I’ve been an idiot most of my life. Time to grow up.’
‘Same here. Jeez.’ She made a face and he laughed.
He held her hand to his cheek and closed his eyes. ‘Sarah, for the next minute, I’m gonna say what I feel, no holds barred, because it’s killing me. I need to say it. Fuck the consequences.’
He opened his eyes and met hers. She nodded, trembling. ‘Okay.’
Isaac sighed. ‘I love you. I love you so fuckin’ much. God, I’m so, so sorry for everything that I’ve done, that’s happened, because in a world that’s fair we should be together and hell, Sarah, I’d never let you go again. Ever. I’d spend every day trying to make you happy. So…’ he faltered. ‘I don’t know any more ways I can express how much you mean to me. I could tell you I love you a million times and it wouldn’t come close.’
She had tears in her eyes as she took his face in her hands. ‘You are the reason my heart beats, the reason I breathe in and out every day. You have been since the day you came into the Varsity.’ She laughed but her eyes were serious. ‘Whatever’s has gone on
between
us before this moment, right here, right now I want you to know that I love you. I have always loved you, even when I’ve been so mad at you I could spit.’
They both laughed then.. ‘I’m serious…these past few months have been, damn, horrifying, sickening. But when I think of what we have all lost… …I won’t lose you, especially not over past mistakes. Please just…never lie to me about anything again, even if you think it will hurt, or scare, or anger me. Please. Promise me that and I’m yours.’
‘God, yes, I promise, Sarah, I promise…’
He kissed her then, pouring every ounce of longing into the embrace. She pulled him closer wanting to sink into him, never let him go. Finally, gasping for breath, they broke apart. For the longest
moment
they just stared at each other.
‘Come home,’ Isaac said softly. ‘Please. Let’s fix this together.’
She shook her head. ‘Not yet. A couple more days. I don’t want to crap all over Dan’s goodwill and you need to see your kid.’
‘I…’
She nodded. ‘You do. Meet him, see if you want him in your life. If you do, I will be there one hundred
percent
. It’s not his fault. For me, please. I know what it is to have a parent reject you. And I need to close things out with Dan. I know we’re living here now but I’d rather have him on my side than not, I still have to go to the island and see Molly.’
She put her hand on his chest.
‘I will come back to you, Isaac, I will. But please, just for a few days, leave me to sort everything out here, tie up the loose ends. Go see your kid. You’ll hate yourself if you don’t. Then come back and I’ll be waiting.’
***
‘I have a gift for you.’ Dan said
later,
before she could say anything. He had been hyperactive since she had gotten back to his house and it was with frustration that she now sat in his kitchen, waiting for him to give her an opening. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small black velvet box. He put it down on the table. ‘This is my…well, it’s the only thing I own which means anything to me. Open it.’
Sarah sat down at the table but didn’t touch the box. Dan laughed, frustration obvious
on
his face, and grabbed the box. He opened it and handed it to her. Inside, a pendant, a teardrop shaped ruby the size of a dime hung from a delicate gold chain. Sarah admired it despite herself.
‘It’s beautiful, Dan. She peered at it closely. ‘Is it antique?’
He nodded. ‘It was my mother’s. The only thing I have of hers.’
‘It’s lovely.’
Dan smiled and topped up her champagne. ‘I want you to have it.’
‘Absolutely not.’ She was horrified but Dan reached across the table.
‘I don’t mean as a token of my affection, for want of a better word. I mean it as something to remember me by – something from my real mother. And there is no-one who deserves it more. I mean, I can hardly wear it, can I?’
Sarah took a deep breath in. ‘Dan, I appreciate that sentiment, I really do but I can’t accept.’
Dan’s eyes tightened but he inclined his head. ‘As you wish.’ His tone was mocking but Sarah was relieved all the same. Dan nodded towards her champagne. ‘Drink up, and I’ll leave you alone.’
***
Isaac waited for Clare to open the door, shifting from foot to foot. She had been amazed when he’d called, asked to see the boy. Now he stood outside her hotel room door.
She opened the door carrying the child and for the first time, Isaac stared down at his son. The little boy gazed back and reached out with a chubby hand towards him. Isaac let him wrap his tiny fingers around his thumb. Clare beamed. ‘Hey, Billy boy,’ she said softly, ‘this is your daddy. Say hello.’
The child’s face suddenly lit up and he grinned at Isaac, who felt a shift inside his soul at the boy’s innocent smiles.
This was his son. His boy. And finally, Isaac began to smile.
***
It was happening again. The fog in her mind descending, the exhaustion dragging her down. But this time, Sarah made the connection, the reason, the cause of the blackness. It was too coincidental.
How the hell didn’t I
realize
this before?
She looked over to the bottle, frowning, then back to the man across the table. She saw it in his eyes then, saw the anger at work in him. She tried to keep her body taut, upright but she could feel her head starting to whirl and spin. Dan sat in silence, watching her, sipping his drink, his jaw shifting as he ground his teeth. Sarah swallowed, cleared her throat, trying to push the fear aside.
‘Dan, did you…’
‘I know you were with him. Today. I saw you. I saw him. He was touching you.’
Sarah felt her face burn. She stood up, swayed, gripped the kitchen counter. She felt Dan’s hands on her waist, guiding her back to her chair. He put his hands on the arms of the chair, leaned in so his face was close to hers.
‘I don’t understand, Sarah. I don’t understand your obsession with that man. He’s hurt you so many times, yet you return to him again and again.’ He glanced at the necklace on the table. ‘I
wonder
if Isaac had given you such a gift, would you refuse it? I don’t think you would.’ His voice was low, tender but her chest twisted with terror. He was stroking her face, her neck. He moved his hands lower, his thumbs brushed her nipples through her dress.
She tried to stand, to escape the cage of his arms but he put his fingers against her stomach and pushed her back into the chair. All she could hear was her blood pounding in her ears, her breath shaking. Dan smiled, brushed his lips against hers, once, twice. ‘Don’t fight me, baby girl. Please. Don’t make me…’ He trailed off and touched her face again. ‘So pretty.’
She didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to contemplate the consequences if her fears were
realized
. It was so horrific, the mere thought of it. She asked him the question anyway.
‘Dan…did you put something in my drink?’
Dan said nothing, just smiled. ‘You’re tired. Let me take you to bed.’ He pulled Sarah to her feet and walked her out to the hallway. At the foot of the stairs, he moved her so they were reflected in the huge antique mirror she’d left
behind when she’d left.
He stood behind her, forcing her to look at herself. His lips were at her ear.
‘Look how beautiful you are.’ A whisper. His arms snaked around her, his hands roamed over her abdomen, her breasts. Sarah couldn’t focus, her limbs held not an ounce of strength, propped against him, slack, fighting unconsciousness. Dan’s hands were at her neck then, just briefly and when he took them away, the pendant gleamed crimson against her throat.
‘See? The color of blood. It was made for you, my darling.’ His voice was a whisper but his eyes were alive with desire. Their eyes met in the mirror and his expression terrified her. He pulled her dress from her shoulders, letting it drop to the floor. Sarah felt the cold of the evening on her skin, felt his fingers stroke her stomach, her belly, slipping into her panties, between her legs. He buried his face in her hair and moaned.
‘Please…do
n’t
…’ Sarah felt a tear drop down her cheek when just as she gave into unconsciousness, she heard him speak.
‘I had to have you, Sarah, do you understand? You had to be mine.’
***
Sarah sat a pool of water stained red by blood. Her voice, a disbelieving, breathless, raw howl carried away in the wind that whipped the ocean into a frenzy, the roiling, boiling water battering the rocks.
She flinched at a touch, looking around with wild, confused eyes, her face streaked with tears and blood. Isaac stood behind her. He was smiling but his eyes were flat black and in them, she could see desire and hatred in equal measure. ‘You can’t be saved, Sarah.’ He tilted his head to the side, flicking his eyes to the sky then back to her.
‘Can you hear it, Sarah?’
The wind. But it wasn’t wind, it was a voice, a woman’s voice rising and falling with the sound of the waves, discordant and horrifying.
I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart.
‘No…no…’ Sarah screamed into the sound, trying to drown it out. Isaac laughed and looked beyond her, Sarah turning to see her mother, naked, the blood from her torn throat pouring down her body. She was walking towards her, smiling. Sarah couldn’t breathe. She felt a movement in her hands and looked down. Isaac was smiling at her but it wasn’t the smile she knew, that she loved. It was a twisted, contorted rictus.
‘You’re going to die, baby girl.’ His voice was like that of a whispering ancient.
She tried to move but found she was frozen. Her mother and Isaac grabbed her now, their touch burning cold. They pushed her down, down. She tried to scream, her mother smiled. Sarah watched as she drew a knife, taking Sarah’s arm in her icy touch, drawing the blade across her wrists. Pain. Isaac’s hand were on her face, holding her eyes open, forcing her to watch as her mother carved deep crimson gashes into her daughter’s wrists. Sarah was pleading now. Her mother, still singing, surveyed her work then handed the knife, with a smile, to Isaac. He raised it, hand gripping the handle, his once handsome face now a mocking, quivering mask of madness. Sarah stared at him, trying to find the man she’d loved but found in his eyes only death.
‘Please,’ she whispered, ‘the baby.’ She slid a bloody hand over her stomach. ‘It’s all I have now. Please.’
Isaac looked at Mother. For a beat all was silent
except for
the beating of her unborn child’s heart, then, as her mother started to sing again, Isaac drove the knife into her again and again and again…
Sarah woke, gasping for air, screaming for help. She stumbled out of bed, crawled to the bathroom, holding her ears, willing it to stop.
The singing. The tormenting song. Her mother’s voice.
Please please please….
Her stomach contracted and she collapsed in agony, gasping. The singing was no longer in the dream.
It was in the house.
***
All around the singing
pleasepleasestopstopstopstopigotthejoyjoyjoyjoy
….
Sarah screamed, a visceral breathless keening howl. Dan was there in an instant, gathering her up in his arms.
‘Hey hey hey hey….it’s okay, I’m here baby girl, I’m here…’
The singing got louder and Sarah couldn’t understand why Dan wasn’t shouting to be heard. She watched his mouth moving but she could not hear anything above the noise of Mother singing. She didn’t understand.