Every fifteen minutes, I walked to the nurse’s station to hear the same thing that they had told me the fifteen minutes before: someone would come to us as soon as they knew more.
Aidan brought me a meal and I chewed, but I couldn’t swallow the first bite. Evita refused food, too, but Tony coaxed her into going to the cafeteria for coffee.
“Babe, you need to sit down, or you’re going to pass out.”
He reached out and took my hand, drawing me back. I sat there, lying across his lap while he ran his hands through my hair, soothing me. A thousand scenarios ran through my mind. Most of them I never wanted to face.
“He’s going to be all right, right?” I choked out.
“He only had a bloody nose. Of course he’s going to be all right.” He was able to shudder out, but the consternation was tight across his brow.
We both knew there was more to it, otherwise, he wouldn’t be in surgery. “This is all my fault,” I mumbled.
“Come again?”
“If I wouldn’t have gotten involved with Evita and Espinoza, this would have never happened.”
“Babe, Espinoza is behind this, but he was after Manuel. Cass just happened to be in the way.” He kissed my temple. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I was with them, and I couldn’t stop them. And I pushed to lose the security detail.”
“They had guns, if they started shooting I can’t imagine who might have been hurt.”
“I wish it was me in that operating room,” he sighed.
I breathed in his scent to calm myself. “I’m scared.”
“Me, too.” He gently kissed me.
I heard heels tap and the female doctor stepped into the lounge, and Dr. Seuss was with her. She didn’t smile, and neither did he and their combined expressions crushed my expectations. I closed my eyes and willed myself to listen. “Aidan, Elizabeth, this is Dr. Bolyard, she’s the surgeon who operated on Cass.”
I got to my feet and teetered. I forced myself to make my weedy limbs cooperate as we shook hands; hers were ice cold and the chill took hold of me and stole its way from my fingertips to the heels of my feet. “What’s going on? Where’s Cass?”
Dr. Bolyard spoke, “We have him in ICU. You can see him in a few minutes. I did everything within my power for him, but he had massive internal injuries, his body was weakened from his transplant and I don’t expect him to wake up. I’m sorry, but we’ve done what we can for him.” She dropped her head and walked away.
My entire body convulsed and the only thing that came out was a wail. If Aidan wouldn’t have caught me, I would have hit the floor. Dr. Seuss bent and helped Aidan right me. “Elizabeth, listen to me. You need to be strong now. Cass needs you. If he does wake up, you want to be able to talk to him.” Dr. Seuss spoke with quiet determination. “I know you’re strong. You can do this. I’ll take you to his room.”
I tried to pull myself together, but it was too harsh of a reality for me to fathom. I was certain I would break into pieces so jagged and sharp that they would impale everyone around me. Aidan’s jaw was set so firm I thought it might break off, and then the dam of icy tears he was suppressing would run like a frozen torrent. He held my hand and squeezed, it was the only thing that kept me moving in that direction when I wanted to run away. Dr. Seuss pushed through the ICU doors and past the nurse’s station, they all stalled for a moment when they saw us.
We walked down the wide corridor, and we came to a room, the glass door was closed and the drapes that lined it were drawn in somber silence. I paused before the door and turned toward a rack with gowns, grabbing one and started putting it on with jerky movements. Dr. Seuss stopped me. “You don’t need a gown.”
“Of course I need a gown and a mask. We don’t want to expose him to any viruses. He has a weakened immune system.”
“Elizabeth, the gown won’t help him now.” Dr. Seuss’ solemn clarity pierced me. A stab in my heart would have been more merciful. I wanted to scream. I bent with the pain of it, as Aidan took the gown out of my hands.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said as a tear slid down his own tortured face, assuring me that it was never going to be okay again. He twined his fingers in mine, and we went into the room. The room was shuttered from the twilight, and the only light was coming from the many machines keeping Cass alive.
Cass was reclined and propped up on pillows. He looked serene, and if not for the oxygen mask across his face and his pale complexion, I would say I’d seen him look the very same way many times before. I went to his bedside, Aidan flanked the other side, and Dr. Seuss stood at the foot of the bed. “He’s not in any pain. He might wake up for a bit sometime during the night. I’m not leaving the building. Ask the nurses to page me, if you need something.” He quietly disappeared.
I looked at Cass and then Aidan, whose tears now ran free. He shook, trying to remain upright.
“He doesn’t have his own PJs,” I said. It made me sad to see him without them. The spoken thought brought Aidan to his knees. He crumbled on his side of the bed, clutching Cass’ hand. His shoulders shuddered and quaked, the pain so acute that it overtook his body making his limbs spasm. I couldn’t comfort him. My own pain was so sharp and raw that its serrated edges twisted into my flesh.
But I was humbled, and I slipped to my knees. I had fought and struggled through life. At times, I thought I had failed, but now I knew those were life’s pop quizzes and this—my baby boy dying right before my eyes, when I had done everything in my power to save him—this was my final exam.
I can’t imagine their thoughts when Evita and Tony came into the room, but I saw their sorrow and anguish. I gave them a brief glance before they joined us on the floor. Evita took my hand in hers, her face palling with new tears. Tony’s head was bowed in solemn reverence. I don’t know how long we knelt there, it might have been minutes or a millennium, but with the steady rhythm of the heart monitor, Evita started to sing a Spanish lullaby. The sweet melody filled the room as she sang it over and over again with the machines’ hypnotic accompaniment. It was angelic, an offering fit to lie at the feet of God. Though her own son was missing, she sang for mine, as if her sacred chorus would open the gates of heaven to receive him.
Father Schimkowski came into the room. When Aidan moved to get up, he gestured for him to stay where he was. He went to the head of the bed alongside Aidan and quietly gave my son Last Rites, anointing him with holy oil and prayers for salvation.
I was glad Evita continued singing. I didn’t want to hear the words that would deliver my son to heaven, when I so desperately wanted him to remain on earth. When Father Ski was finished, he knelt and spoke to Aidan quietly. Father Ski blessed each of us before he left. I was the last and I almost flinched away, angry at the Father’s master.
The door sprung open. I looked up to see Ollie’s face frozen in fear, her torment came out in a one word scream. “NO!”
Suzy and Max pulled up short at the sight of us. Evita got to her feet and Tony did the same, they took Ollie out of the room without a word.
Suzy took Evita’s place, and she squeezed my hand. Max, silently watched, and then crumbled to his knees. The man I thought had made the world revolve on its axis, bellowed. His cry tore me apart anew; it was a wild wail of a large animal skewered through the heart. Max’s large hand settled on Cass’ leg before he rested his head on it, his tears marking the sheets.
I crumbled, my face meeting the cold tile. I wrapped my arms around myself to stop my heart from taking on any more anguish, and I sobbed. Suzy tried to get me up, but I wasn’t coherent enough to move, even with clear instructions.
As surely as I had fallen, I had failed. I had failed at the most important thing in my life. I didn’t protect my child, I didn’t save him. I wanted to scream the words, I wanted to rant and thrash everything in the room, but all I could do was sob, as the strangling sorrow clogged my windpipe.
I felt strong hands on my arms and under my knees as Aidan lifted me. He took me to a chair and held me in his lap while we cried. He tried to calm me, to soothe me, but he cried as hard as I did. I felt Max’s large hand on my head before he muttered into my hair, “Libby, we’re here for you, and we love you.” And then they slipped out of the room.
Time became another worldly thing through the night. Vicki and Rick came, Vicki sat on the mattress with Cass and she recited the prayer she’d taught Cass when he was a toddler. It flooded me with images of a time I thought was so difficult, but now only seemed full of joy.
I never moved from Aidan’s lap. I cried in waves from whimpers to violent bouts of hysteria. Aidan wiped my tears away, while his fell slow and steady into my unbound hair.
In the depths of darkness, we both came awake with a startled jolt when we heard, “Mommy?” from a raspy voice.
When I got to his side, he was looking around with concern.
“I’m here, Cass.” I took one hand and Aidan took his other.
Cass smiled and I moved his oxygen mask out of the way to kiss his sweet lips. “I heard an angel singing,” he whispered.
Tears ran down my face. “Yes you did.”
Cass looked at Aidan. “You remember what I told you today, I’ll come tell you when she’s ready.”
Aidan put his hand on Cass’ forehead and bent toward him and murmured in his ear, before kissing him. “I love you, Cass.”
“I know you do, Daddy.”
Aidan choked out a cry and the weight of it slammed into my chest, it was the first time, possibly the only time, he would ever call him daddy. Tears I was certain I had exhausted flowed through me creating puddles of remorse.
Cass reached toward me. “Hold me, please.” I climbed into bed with him and pulled him into my embrace. Aidan took up the other side and he cradled us both. There were no sounds in the room except Cass’ labored breathing and the rolling of tears.
I shuddered on every one of his measured breaths, praying, hoping beyond reason for another. Aidan’s thumb brushed across the back of my hand, where it rested on Cass’ abdomen. Cass drew in a startled breath, then he spoke with calm clarity. His voice was not the voice of a little boy any longer, but deep and strong and sure. “Mommy, make sure you show Daddy your love everyday for the rest of your life. Your love makes life worth living.” And then there was nothing but deafening silence.
I came awake when the doors slid open. It was just past dawn and a dreary light was filtering around the edges of the blinds, the sky was a gray as my heart. Aidan was already on his feet speaking in a low tone to two orderlies that had come to take Cass away. The thought of them taking him to some cold metal locker stole my composure. I raised my arms to hold them off and screamed incoherently while I clutched Cass’ lifeless body in my arms.
“Libby, sweetheart, we have to let them take him now,” Aidan spoke the traitorous words calmly.
I fought him off and screamed, “No!”
He unwound my arm in determined grace. “Please, Libby, you’re killing me. Let me help you.”
I pulled Cass away from them and into an empty corner of the bed, like a mother lioness pulling her wounded cub by the tuft of his neck, away from danger. “You!” I pointed to Aidan. “You put him on the Gurney. Don’t let them touch him. He’s ours, and I don’t want them to hurt him.” I watched as Aidan unwound my arms around the only thing I treasured in this world. Aidan carried Cass’ still body tenderly. I threw myself back into his pillow, gasping his scent, pulling the pillow into my arms, as if it could be my baby, as if it wouldn’t have to be the last time I held him. Through my tears, I watched as Aidan bent over Cass and kissed his forehead. When the orderly went to pull the sheet over Cass’ face, Aidan stopped him.
“I have to take care of some paper work. I’ll be right back.” Aidan went to reach for me but instead ran a hand through his hair. “Promise me you won’t leave until I come back.”
I nodded from the depths of the pillows. I must’ve dozed off for a few seconds, or minutes, or hours. Time had no meaning and no one came to interfere with its passing. I came awake and stumbled to the bathroom. My mind was lost, but my basic bodily functions seemed to go on. They were my only reminder that I’d been alive for the last eighteen hours.
“Shit!”
I opened the bathroom door to find Aidan staring at the empty bed, his arms outstretched like wings.
I cleared my throat. “Aidan.”
He whirled toward my voice. “You scared me.” He pulled me into his arms. “I thought you might’ve gone home.”
“We don’t have a home anymore without him.”
He held me steady and bent to stare at me, eye-to-eye. “Of course we do. We’ll always be each other’s home.”
When I started to speak, he put a finger over my lips. I swallowed the words: no matter how much I loved Aidan, I didn’t want him, as much as I wanted Cass. I would give up anything, Aidan included, if I could have Cass back. I knew the cruelty of it, as its truth. So I let his fingertip stop any more pain from being caused by words that would help no one.
Outside it was pouring rain. Before he could go for Tank, I tromped into the storm. “I want to feel something.” I drew in the damp, tepid air. Rain was unusual in Chicago in February, but it was as if even the heavens opened up and shed tears.
He didn’t dissuade me, but pulled me under his arm. By the time we arrived, my hair lay in ropes of frozen icicles. The car emanated stagnant emptiness and we drove in silence.
When we got home, a trembling stillness greeted us. “Babe, let me carry you inside. You’re soaked through.”
I stepped into the rain and raised my face to its pounding rhythm. “I can walk.” If I got sick, maybe I’d die. We were drenched and shaking with cold, but when we stepped into the kitchen, we both pulled up short.
A toy ambulance Cass had gotten for Christmas from Aidan’s father was blocking our path. I heard the echo of Aidan’s voice from yesterday, when he told Cass to put it away.
In my mind’s eye, I saw the ambulance in the emergency bay, its lights spinning red and white, glaring loud in warning. The room spun around me. Aidan moved for the truck, but when he saw me start to crumble, he dropped the toy and reached me before I hit the floor. He swept me up into his arms. When we reached our bedroom, he stood me in the center of the room, steadied me with one hand while the other stripped off my wet coat. “Babe, your lips are purple.” He started on the next layer.