“I’m so cold.” But I didn’t feel pain, there was too much of that on the inside to pay much attention to the vessel that was holding it.
He didn’t waste any time before he had me stripped to the skin, and into the bed, pushing me into the pillows and draping the covers over me. He searched for another heavy blanket and threw it over me before I watched him take off all his clothes. The closed blinds shuttered us in; he turned off the phone, then got into bed and gathered me into his arms.
He stroked my cheek in the quiet darkness, where the only sounds between us were our heartbeats. We lay face to face with each of our hands cupping the other’s face. There were no more tears, no words, just us. He kissed his own fingers before placing them on my lips. “Sleep,” he whispered. But my body heard other things in his voice and responded by moving closer.
When I kissed him, it was tentative, only because I was afraid to let him know how desperately I needed him. He kissed me back with the same painstaking tenderness until something needy unfurled within me. My body, again, knew what I wanted and needed: to prove to myself that I was still alive. His body did not require encouragement for the instinctual flame of survivor’s lust to take over and rule his body.
There was not an inch of my skin he did not brand with his touch, not one moment when I felt there was anyone other than the two of us alone in a world of our own making. Every utterance of love branded me feverishly. While he did not take me where I wanted to go, he took me to the edge. When I cried out in protest he said, “Not yet, love, not yet.”
When I felt I couldn’t go any farther, he pushed me beyond the point where the end must be. He brought his face close to mine, and licked the tears that swelled along my cheeks. He came into me with a thunderous plunge. His lips brushed along my ear. “Now, Libby, now.”
I cried out his name with equal cups of relief and remorse.
Strong arms encircled me and tender words filtered through me. “Sleep, my love, I’m going to take care of everything. Hush, love, don’t cry anymore, sleep.”
And when the tears were exhausted I followed their lead and disappeared into oblivion.
When I woke, I was cold and alone. I sat up on a strangled cry lodged in my chest, the room spun and my stomach heaved. I barely made it to the bathroom. Before I was finished being ill, Aidan was there with a washcloth, pulling my hair away from my face and wrapping a robe around me. “God, Libby I hope you’re not sick,” he washed my face and I slid down the wall.
For the first time since I ever laid eyes on him, he looked wrung out. Bags hung heavy under his bloodshot eyes and his smile, usually so vibrant, was too grim to reassure.
“I am sick, Aidan, sick at heart.”
He got down on the floor alongside me. “I know babe, we all are.” He brushed his fingertips over my bare thigh. “Let’s take a bath.”
“What time is it?”
“Seven.” He tried to smile for me. “You slept most of the day. I don’t know how you did with all the traffic that’s been through this place but I’m glad you did.” He moved toward the tub and started the water. He pulled his T-shirt over his head and I watched his body move with the elegant enduring grace of a man. Cass would be forever a little boy in my mind, but if he had grown into a man I knew very clearly what that man would have looked like. How strong and durable he would have been, how gentle. The reminder of the future pulled me to my feet. I stepped into the warm water and sat down.
Aidan brought me a cup of hot tea. “I’ll feed you when we’re done.” He slipped in behind me.
His arms came around me and I shuttered as I sat back against his chest. “The tea will settle your stomach,” he said as his hand rested on my abdomen. “Feeling better?”
I nodded yes, and we sat in quiet as our bodies were lowered below its surface. “I never used this tub before you were here, well you know about me and the shower, anyway, I’m glad it’s here for you.” He used a washcloth to dampen my scalp and them he shampooed my hair. “My mom and dad will be here tomorrow. You’re mom is staying in your apartment. Good thing we didn’t take everything out of it yet.”
I drained the teacup and put it on the rim of the tub. “No more brandy in the tea, okay?” The question had been thrumming through me since I awoke; the question I asked every time I woke up since the morning he was born. “Where’s Cass?”
“He’s at the funeral home, tomorrow night we’ll have his wake and then the next day a funeral mass and his burial.”
“Family only.”
“Libby, I don’t think that’s possible. It’s made national news. I have to speak to the media tomorrow morning. I initially declined, but Tony asked me to do it, so we can bring attention to Manny’s abduction. I couldn’t say no, they have no idea where he is, living or dead.”
I shuddered. “You’re right, that’s what Cass would want us to do. What church did you arrange?”
“Father Ski is going to preside at St. Ignatius, it’s the only place large enough. I think you might know every attorney in Cook County. Vicki’s been working the phones with me, but I sent her home with a list of calls to make. I don’t know if you wanted flowers but I asked for donations for Cass’ Game.”
“You should have woken me up so I could help you. You’re taking on too much of this.” I felt relieved that I had no decisions to make, but guilty that I wasn’t doing it myself.
“You’ve already had too many sleepless nights. This is something I could do for you, and it kept me from going crazy. We can go over all of it later, and we can change anything you want.” He paused and ran his hand down the length of my hair as it trailed into the water. “We need to get him a suit, but I can take care of it in the morning.”
It didn’t seem right to bury him like that. I imagined him tugging on the collar of his tux at the wedding for eternity, and it seemed cruel. “No, no suit. He would prefer the baseball uniform and the new Nikes you gave him.”
He crumbled onto my shoulder. I reached behind me to soothe him. He cried into my hand and his tears streamed down my arm and into the water. When he had emptied his heartache into the basin, I lathered a wash cloth and turned to him.
He took up the rag and washed me before running the sprayer over my body to rinse away the soap. If only he could wash away the anger, injustice, and loss with as little ease. When he was done he drew me against him again, surrounding me in the shelter of his strong arms, and buried his face in my neck, laving at the water there before his hands involuntarily came up to my breasts. I didn’t mind, but he squeezed them a little too roughly. I flinched away.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” I turned to get to my knees.
His fingertips brushed the crest of my cheek. “I never want to see you hurt again. It’s like someone digging in my chest with a shovel.”
“I know Aidan, I know.” I got to my feet and he followed wrapping me in a towel. I sat at the vanity; my legs were too shaky to stand. He kissed my shoulder to steady me before he was gone, and all I could do was stare in horror at my reflection. I had deep blue circles under my red rimmed eyes.
Aidan was dressed in loose fitting work out pants and a T-shirt. He put another robe around my shoulders and handed me a bowl of oatmeal, my stomach grumbled out loud.
“I heard that,” he said. It was exactly the right thing to do and I closed my eyes, thankful once again that there was at least one person in the world who could anticipate my needs.
The phone rang in the distance. “We’ll call them back.” He picked up the brush and started working through my hair. “Eat your porridge, Sleeping Beauty, I’ll wrangle these knots out.”
I took a spoonful and was surprised I could actually swallow it. Even if I didn’t really want to eat, or couldn’t taste it, I knew I needed nourishment. “Did anyone tell Madi?”
“Steve came by, she knows. I told Steve to come early with her, that way she can see him alone, and Steve won’t have to curtail her reaction. Plus Steve’s devastated; he needs to be comforted but I don’t know how.”
I studied his reflection. “That was kind of you. It will be better for Madi if she sees him on her own terms.”
“It’s the least I owe them for everything they did for Cass, when I wasn’t man enough to do the job myself.” Tears streamed down his face. “I missed so much of Cass’ time. Steve probably knew him better than I did.” He shook in agony.
I reached up and caressed the side of his jaw. “Aidan, no one, not even me, knew him the way you did. I loved him and knew him from his first breath, but you and he connected on a level that went way beyond father and son. You know that, right?” Words were the only comfort I had to offer.
“If that’s true, then it’s because when I looked at him all I saw was undeniable proof that the love we felt for each other was greater than either of us ever realized.” He dropped to his knees nestling into my center. “Cass didn’t show me how to love. He made it seep from my pores. He made it irrefutable. Not that I would turn my back on it, but he made certain I’d never be able to deny it again.”
I discarded the bowl and ran my hands through his thick hair. “What did Cass want you to tell me?”
He hesitated several moments. “Yesterday, when we were waiting to see Dr. Seuss, he told me he had fulfilled his purpose for being born. I thought he was kidding, so I chuckled. He said he meant it, that God had sent him for only one reason.” Aidan smiled a weak smile before he rubbed his tears away with my robe.
“What did he think the purpose was?” But I knew Cass had a soul deeper and older than even my own.
The doorbell rang and Aidan glanced that way. He kissed the end of my nose. “He said he would tell me when you were ready to hear it.” He ambled to his feet.
“But how will he tell you?”
“I’m not sure, but I have every faith that he will when he’s ready.” He kissed my temple. “Are you up for visitors?”
I said yes to the visitors, and yes to the fact that Cass would let his wishes be known where and when he became ready. Because either in this world or the next, Cass would come to me again. I knew it.
* * *
I had convinced myself that I could do this. I could say good-bye to my son. I told myself the worst of the grief was past, until I walked into the funeral parlor with a small hand clutching mine. Madi walked between Steve and I, holding on so tight that my fingers ached, which was good. The pain allowed me to feel something more than the gaping hole in the center of my chest where my heart used to be.
I hadn’t seen Cass since the orderlies took him away. Aidan had asked if I wanted to look in on him when we first arrived, but I decided to wait for Madi. I had never avoided anything in my life, but I didn’t want her to arrive because I never wanted to look at my son is a satin-lined box. That shouldn’t have been one of my last images of him: still, sweet, and silent.
Madi climbed up on the kneeler in front of the coffin and I took in Cass’ calm serenity. He looked like a beautiful angel, as if I could reach out and shake him awake.
“Daddy, he’s not dead, look how pink his cheeks are.” And she reached out to touch his cheek. When their skin connected, she quickly drew back her hand. The tears she had so bravely held back crested her eyes and ran to her chin.
Cass looked charming in his baseball uniform, his hat off to one side, keeping his precious face visible. Madi was right. His cheeks held a blush that wasn’t even skin deep. He had his mitt on one of his hands and his bat resting in the other. The dark blue pinstripes of his white uniform stood out against the pale blue silk that lined the rich mahogany casket.
Madi started digging in her frilly white blouse, she pulled out a chain. “Look Daddy, Cass is wearing his necklace, the one Mister Pole-ow-ski said would keep us safe.” She started crying in earnest. I ran my hand over her silken ponytails.
I bent toward Cass’ body. The silver St. Christopher medal rested on his Cubs blue T-shirt.
“It’s okay sweetheart,” Steve managed to strangle out. “Cass went straight to heaven. He’s probably already with Saint Christopher.”
Madi pounded her foot on the kneeler to get her father’s attention. “No, Daddy, Mister Pole-ow-ski promised that these necklaces would keep Manny and me safe, and that Cass wouldn’t die of cancer.” She stomped her foot again. “He lied to me, and he lied to Cass, and somebody stole Manny from us. I don’t like him no more. Everything was fine before he came around, it was me and you and Cass and Auntie Libby. I want it like it was before, and I want my Cass back,” she bellowed.
My knees went out from under me, and I collapsed onto the kneeler as her words echoed through my soul.
I want my Cass back.
Steve helped me steady myself, as he spoke to Madi, “This is not Mr. Palowski’s fault. He loved Manny, and Cass and he loves Libby just like we do. I think that he loves you a little bit too, or he wouldn’t have given you that necklace.”
Her tears were running freely. “But Cass was supposed to grow up to be the boy I loved.”
“Sweetheart, you already loved Cass,” Steve said. “And for some reason, God needed him more than we do. I know it’s hard to understand, we don’t even understand, and we’re grown-ups. Mr. Palowski hoped and prayed that the necklaces would keep you safe, but God had another plan.”
Madi turned her body and put her arm around my neck. “Aunt Libby, does God have plans for everybody?”
I smiled to reassure her through my tears. “Yes, he does.” I prayed that He would reveal mine to me.
The sound at the back of the room signaled Aidan had come in with his parents. We got to our feet and started in that direction. Aidan moved faster than his mother was ready for. She pulled up short. Her face mirrored mine, the loss palatable in her eyes. Up until now, I hadn’t thought about what this moment would do to her. She had held me at home, and we had cried together, but nothing prepared me for her look of agony. It was for Cass, but there were traces of the pain of Andy in the creases of her brow. She had already buried a son, and I didn’t know how she could face burying her only grandchild, but if she could make it through this day, and all its recollected pain, then so could I.