On and on it went, Katie and I, Katie and I . . . Krish seemed to be drinking it all in.
‘So why didn’t I ever meet her?’ he asked after a time.
‘Oh, well,’ Olivia said, face still bathed in a bright smile. ‘The war came and changed everything. Nothing was ever the same. I joined the Wrens and Katie was here nursing and we didn’t see so much of each other after that. And then after, I went off to London and I met your father . . .’
These last words were spoken with a worshipping tone that Anna found ridiculous. He was just a man, she felt like saying. Yet another one.
Olivia directed a wistful smile at Anna. ‘If ever there was a love child – ’ She leaned across and stroked Krish’s head. ‘Unfortunately Krishna, my Krishna, was already married. He was on a visiting lectureship, you see. He felt the only thing he could do was to return home. But he left me his child.’
Anna thought of Elizabeth Kemp, how she managed to put from her so many things she didn’t like. She felt a rising anger and resentment. All this pretence at being honest and vulnerable, when all the time she was selecting what she would tell, giving her son these half-truths. And what the hell was he playing at anyway, listening with that fixed, devoted smile? She felt like a fly trapped in the syrupy atmosphere between them. She knew there were layers and layers to Olivia which made it impossible to know quite where the truth lay. Had she even been honest when she wrote her notes to Kate?
She felt tired of it all suddenly, with a frustrated urge to smash through the brittle surface of things with which she had been presented all evening. She couldn’t listen to any more.
She stretched and yawned. ‘I’m sorry, I really am tired. You won’t mind if I go up soon?’
‘Of course not, darling,’ Olivia said. ‘You’ve had such a difficult time these last weeks and of course I hadn’t even realized. Do go on. Krish and I will clear up.’ She stood up with Anna, searching her face, but Anna found she couldn’t meet Olivia’s eyes. To have done so would have symbolized too much: an honesty otherwise quite lacking from the evening.
While Krish was carrying something to the kitchen she let the question force its way to her lips. Cheeks burning red she looked up defiantly at Olivia. ‘Was Angus the father?’
Olivia’s expression froze. There was a second of nakedness, fear flickering in her eyes. Then she said coldly, ‘I’ve absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.’
Anna sat on the solid bed, her heart pounding. The tiredness had vanished and she felt wound up and unready for sleep. She unzipped the overnight bag and pulled out her long T-shirt and wash things, noticing as she did so that Olivia had left a small vase of flowers next to the bed, picked from the garden.
Deadly nightshade most probably, she thought. Knowing it was absurd, she found herself sniffing at the white daisies and the greenery around them to find out if there was anything amiss. Those looks she had seen in Olivia’s eyes. At this time of night she could start to believe anything.
Restless, she pulled back the covers of the bed, then opened the window, lit a cigarette and blew smoke out on to the twilight air. Footsteps passed in the otherwise quiet street. After a time she heard sounds of movement in the long corridor outside the bedroom: the others coming up.
Leaving the window open a crack, she took her washbag and went out to the bathroom at the back of the house. The staircase ran up the middle of the building, joining the corridor upstairs which ran from front to back with a series of doors along it. Anna didn’t know who slept where.
She washed, scrubbed her teeth, found herself thinking about Jake and the way he looked into her eyes. Walking back to her room she admitted to herself how much she was looking forward to seeing him the next evening. A door squeaked somewhere along the corridor. Yawning, she went into her room, turned to shut the door and started with a violence that set her whole body trembling.
‘What the
hell
are you doing?’ she cried furiously. ‘You nearly gave me a heart attack!’
‘Sssh – don’t let her hear.’ Krish closed the door quietly and stood against it. His face was solemn and looked heavy from drinking.
‘What d’you want?’
‘To talk – without her.’ He sat down on the edge of the bed and she thought how young he looked. ‘Sorry,’ he offered awkwardly. ‘You obviously know a lot of things about my mother that I don’t. She only tells me what she wants me to hear.’
‘Yes,’ Anna relented. ‘I can see that.’ She stood across the room from him, glad that she’d put off getting changed. ‘What d’you want to know?’
‘I don’t know what there is to know. I mean I’d never heard all that stuff about your mom before. The only thing she talks about in the past, really, is my father.’
‘And was that the great passion she’d like us to believe?’
Krish looked up at her warily. ‘How would I know?’
‘Of course, how could you?’
‘She’s got no letters though. He didn’t keep in touch with her. She probably just wrapped herself round him like a creeper – the way she does with everyone.’ Anna was disturbed by the harsh way he spoke.
‘But downstairs you were – you seemed so close.’
Krish seemed uncomfortable at her mentioning this. ‘We can be, sometimes. She’s very good company, as you’ve seen. But there’s something . . . She’s just not normal, is she?’ He spoke in a sudden rush. ‘It probably sounds stupid to you but it’s taken me until now to realize – these past couple of years. When I went to college I heard a lot about other people’s mothers. At school she wouldn’t let me go to visit other people. Wanted me to herself – ’ He broke off. ‘Look, can’t you sit down?’
He sounded so wretched that she came and sat on the bed. ‘It must have been very difficult for you.’
He sat looking down at his hands for a moment in silence, twining his fingers together. The next thing she knew, he was pushing her back on the bed, hands moving clumsily and hard on her thighs as he half lay across her, his tongue pushing into her mouth.
In reflex she drew up her knees and shoved as hard as she could. ‘Who the
fuck
d’you think you are?’ she yelled at him as he regained his balance. ‘What is it with your family? You all think you can just take what you like. You rip into other people’s lives . . .’
‘Shut up for God’s sake!’ He rushed at her, clamping his moist hand over her mouth. ‘She mustn’t hear.’
Anna yanked his hand away. ‘Don’t do that to me.’ She marched over and opened the door. ‘Just get out of here, you stupid little git.’
Krish slunk out of the room. ‘I’m sorry . . . I really did want to talk.’
‘Don’t ever try anything like that again,’ she hissed at him. She watched him disappear into his room.
Turning, she jumped again, and with even more force. At the other end of the corridor, dressed in something long and pale, Olivia stood quite still, watching. Her face was set in an expression of such hatred that Anna felt her knees turn weak.
‘So.’ Olivia’s voice snaked along the corridor. ‘I can’t even trust you.’
Anna felt something give in her, come flooding out. ‘You’re all bloody mad,’ she shouted. ‘All of you. I’m getting out of here.’
Starting to sob, she ran into the room and in half a minute threw all her things back into the bag. When she came out again Olivia was still standing in the same place, watching stony-faced as Anna ran downstairs. She pulled open the heavy front door and ran out towards her car, only just able to see through her tears.
The light was still on in the attic above Jake’s shop. Standing outside in the deserted street, Anna realized she didn’t know how to get in. There were two floors of the dark shop below, and it was as if he was out of contact with the street, high up there. She went to the door and looked for a bell. There wasn’t one. Instead she tried the letterbox, which was fortunately well sprung and gave a resounding clap when she released the flap.
She waited. Outwardly, now, she was more composed, had had to control herself in order to drive. But she could feel a tight bubble of emotion inside her, only just held in. She could not have gone back to be alone in Kate’s house tonight.
There were sounds from inside and she saw movement behind the glass door. He left the light off, cautious perhaps, and she could just see the washed-out blue of his jeans as he came to the door. It opened, brushing the mat. She felt she’d never been so relieved to see anyone.
‘Anna?’ She couldn’t make out the tone of his voice. Surprised, certainly, but she thought she noticed in it a degree of pleasure, relief almost.
‘I need to talk to you.’
‘Yeah – of course.’ He hesitated, not wanting to presume anything. ‘It’s too late for the pubs isn’t it? Will you come in?’
‘Here’s fine.’ She hadn’t meant to sound so abrupt. As well as holding back her emotion over Olivia and Krish, she suddenly wanted Jake to hold her, and that wasn’t appropriate, wasn’t why she’d come.
Jake led her up through the dark shop with its comforting smell of wood polish, past the dark shapes of the furniture. Following, she thought how odd it was that she was here alone with him, somehow suddenly the closest person to her now apart from Roland. Their feet sounded loud on the bare staircase up to his attic.
When they reached the flat she forgot everything for a few moments, exclaiming, ‘Jake, it’s lovely up here!’
‘I’m glad you like it.’ He smiled. ‘Only thing is, you have to go down to the next floor for the bathroom. I’m working on that. Might get a shower put in. But otherwise it does me fine.’
The room was lit only by the sidelight next to the bed, where Jake had evidently been lying. It was a long room stretching across the building, with a gabled window at each end. At the back Jake had his kitchen. The bed was at the front under the window. Music was playing softly in the background, the deep, rich sound of a stringed instrument.
In the middle of one side of the room was a wooden fireplace with space for a couple of easy chairs. Either side of it were long shelves striped with the coloured spines of books, records, tapes, and at one end a stereo. The walls were all painted a pale colour, except for the other long wall opposite the fireplace, which was a deep malachite green and covered from floor to ceiling with framed pictures.
Anna’s attention was drawn to these straight away, postponing her need to talk. A section of them near the middle were photographs of a little girl: a baby, a toddler with a cap of fine blond hair and a cheeky smile.
‘Is this your daughter?’
‘That’s Elly, yes. Of course she’s changed again now.’
‘She’s lovely.’
‘Yes – she’s great.’ He went to the fridge. ‘D’you fancy a beer?’
‘No thanks. I’ve drunk enough this evening already. Wouldn’t mind a coffee.’
She sat on one of the chairs by the fireplace. ‘I s’pose you’d rather I didn’t smoke up here?’
‘Sorry – I’d prefer it.’
‘That’s OK. It’ll be good for me. I ought to give up.’
‘I gave up when Elly was born.’
She twisted round to look at the pictures again. ‘Are these all places you’ve been?’
‘No. Places I’d like to go. Never had the chance, or made the chance, depending how you look at it.’ He was nervous, unused to having anyone in the flat and having to be sociable.
She sat in silence for a moment, aware again of the music in the room, a melancholy cello.
‘What is this?’
‘Bach. Beautiful, isn’t it?’ He handed her her coffee and sat down.
‘It sounds so sad.’
‘I suppose it does. It’s just what I seem to want to hear recently.’ This was not spoken with self-pity, but Anna felt awkward.
‘I’m sorry – I’ve barged in. Would you rather I went?’
‘No, I wouldn’t. I spend far too much time on my own.’
There was a pause, then he said, ‘What happened?’
Anna put her mug on the floor and sat back. She let out a long breath.
‘It sounds daft, but I’m not exactly sure what happened. Olivia came down after you left. She said she’d had a shock.’ She told him about the meal, the fawning affection between Olivia and Krish. ‘It was pretty sickening. I got more and more frustrated because I felt they were feeding me something, some image they wanted me to see, and I still hadn’t managed to talk to her properly about anything.’
She told Jake what had happened with Krish, growing more emotional as she spoke.
‘It wasn’t him I really minded, though. The really horrible part was her. Krish is just young and silly . . . But when I saw her standing there, absolutely still, with that look on her face . . . I couldn’t have stayed the night in that house. She’d have killed me, I’m sure. I could just see her coming round the bedroom door with a knife in her hand.’ She looked across at Jake. ‘I’ve never known anyone who’s had this effect on me before. There’s something – evil about her. You must think I’m being very hysterical.’
‘No, I don’t at all.’ There was sudden quiet. The tape clicked off. ‘But we’d better get hold of Krish tomorrow.’
‘I’m not sure I ever want to see him again – or her, for that matter.’
‘I think you’ll have to.’ Jake spoke gently but emphatically. ‘Look, Anna, I don’t know all the background to this as you obviously do, but I do know a lot about Krish. I didn’t explain properly last time we talked. Your coming here has lifted the lid off something for them and it’s him that’s going to get the full rush of it. I know he shouldn’t have behaved the way he did tonight, but you have to understand the kind of hold Olivia has on him. She’s never let him out of her sight hardly, apart from school when she had to. But she wouldn’t let him go out or have friends – let alone a relationship with a woman – God forbid. Anything that’s started she’s destroyed one way or another. She interferes in every part of his life. Possessive isn’t a strong enough word to describe it.’
Anna frowned. ‘But he’s left home, hasn’t he?’
Jake gave an ironic laugh. ‘He’s done three terms in London. During the summer before he went he overdosed because she made him feel so guilty about going. He was in hospital for three days.’
‘But you said she wanted him to go – appealed to the university?’