Bitter Bonds (4 page)

Watching Finn sprawl in the chair beside Micah, Haven had the overwhelming sense that he stared at a version of himself from another life. The more time he spent with Finn, the more he felt connected to him. He had a sick, gnawing feeling in his gut that had certain events not taken place in his life, he could have been Finn.
There but for the grace of God, go I
, he thought ironically.

Bad things had happened to Haven in his past, but now that Kellen had stopped trying to push him away, now that they worked on their relationship every day and once a week with a therapist, life was amazing. And despite what he’d gone through, he knew he retained an optimism about life and people that Finn clearly didn’t have. As Haven watched Finn listen to one of Micah’s crazy stories about school, he realized how much worse things could have been. He’d never gone as hungry as Finn. He’d never been right there on the knife edge of selling his body to survive. And he’d never had his family turn their backs on him or exploit him.

More than anything, Haven wanted to hug Finn for having survived that. Haven’s mother hadn’t cared if he was gay. She had accepted every facet of who he was and loved him. The only experience Haven had to compare with Finn’s loss with was the one night Kellen had turned his back on him. He suppressed a shudder. That had been unbearable. To have your entire family, mother, father, brother, sister, cousins and more all excise you from their lives as if you never existed…that would be…

Haven’s thoughts trailed off. He didn’t have a word for how excruciating it must be. Maybe it was like losing an arm or a leg or an eye. Losing a part of yourself that you never thought you’d have to do without. The sick feeling in his gut returned. Finn had a lot more strength than the guy gave himself credit for.

“You boys gonna eat?”

A gum smacking waitress with vampire pale features and Goth black hair stood over their table giving them the evil eye. Haven sat up from his slouch.
“Chicken salad sandwich, cole slaw and ice tea, please,” he ordered.
“Medium rare burger with the works, onion rings and a diet cola,” Micah said.
The waitress raised one brow at him. “You’re gonna put all that gunk and fried stuff in you and drink a
diet
soda?”
Micah shrugged. “Sugar’s bad for you.”
Shaking her head, the waitress turned to Finn. He fiddled with the edge of the menu. “Water with lemon and a side salad with oil and vinegar, please.”
Micah gasped. He stared wide-eyed at Finn and Haven knew his own features mirrored his best friend’s. “Dude! You’re a fucking waif! Eat some food!” Micah howled, thumping the menu in Finn’s hands.
The waitress nodded. “A stiff wind could blow you away. Eat some protein. How about a nice tofu stir fry?”
Finn bit his lip nervously and Haven saw his fingers tremble. Suddenly, it dawned on Haven what the problem was. He fished out his wallet and handed the waitress his credit card. “My treat. Bring these growing boys a plate of loaded skins and add a roast beef sandwich to the elf’s salad and lemon water.”
With a knowing wink, the waitress disappeared before Finn could even open his mouth to protest. When he did open his mouth, Haven placed his fingers beneath the pointed chin and gently pushed. Finn’s mouth closed. He glared at Haven with mutiny in his pale gray eyes.
“Don’t wanna hear it, Elf,” Haven said with a shake of his head. “You’re my friends. I’m allowed to treat if I want to. Besides, yesterday was payday at the library.”
Micah’s eyes glittered with laughter. “I still can’t believe you work for the city. A gay leather bound submissive with a collar, pierced nipples, tattoos, and a big freakin’ Dominant boyfriend. You do not strike me as the librarian type.”
“Anyone can love books. Even submissives in leather collars.” Haven smiled and fingered his collar, which wasn’t leather and was only recognizable as a collar to someone kinky.
Finn’s eyes followed the movements of Haven’s fingers. Micah’s knee nudged Haven’s. The younger man’s gaze held an expression of longing, something both Haven and Micah knew well.
“How do you like working at the studio?” Haven asked, trying to draw Finn out.
A brilliant smile lit the other man’s face making him appear even more like an anime elf, the source of Micah’s and Haven’s nickname for him. “I love it, even the cleaning. The atmosphere is amazing and Jake…”
Finn broke off, a blush rising to his pale cheekbones. He looked down at his hands, clasped tightly in his lap. Micah winked at Haven and reached out to place one of his hands over Finn’s interwoven fingers.
“Jake’s an awesome Dominant and he’s a nice guy too,” Micah told Finn.
The white blond head lifted and Haven could see the fear in the other submissive’s eyes.
“He has commitment issues.” Finn’s voice came out barely louder than a whisper.
Micah nodded toward Haven. “There’s your expert on having a Dominant with commitment issues.”
Being the focus of two sets of earnest and hopeful gazes normally would have made him squirm, except that Haven wanted to see something go right in Finn’s life for once. Setting aside his own shyness and natural reticence, Haven drew a breath and wrapped his fingers around the edge of the silver collar Kellen had given him to replace his old leather one.
“Some people are worth the heartache,” he began, his voice solemn but growing in conviction with each word he spoke. “They’re good people and bad things have happened to them, spooked them, hurt them, made them lose faith in themselves and their capacity to love. It breaks your heart to be with them, but at the same time, it’s the only place you want to be. In your gut, you know you belong there and even if it’s not perfect because the person you love wears blinders, you can’t give up. They’re worth the sacrifice, worth the heartache. And all you can do is give them everything you are and hope that one day they see the truth, that they are worthy of love and it’s been right there between you all along.”
Finn’s head stayed down, his face hidden behind his shaggy hair. “It’s hard to believe. Nothing ever works out for me. No one’s ever really loved me.”
The soft anguished words twisted in Haven’s gut like a serrated knife. He glanced over at Micah and found his best friend’s face set in an expression of utter sadness. He knew what had crossed Micah’s mind. Their friend Alex had disappeared from their lives a few months back when he and Gavin Hancock, one of Darkness’s owners, had parted ways. Alex hadn’t believed either. He hadn’t hung in there and stuck around when Gavin decided to release him. He’d taken his broken heart and spirit and run. Neither Micah nor Haven wanted that to happen to Finn.
“We like you, Elf. We want you to stay here and we want you to be happy. Whatever Haven and I can do to help, we’ll do. We can’t afford to lose any more friends because their Dominants are assholes.” Micah’s eyes flashed with anger. “We’re here for you, buddy. If you want Jake, you can make something happen between you. I know you can.”
Finn heaved a sigh heavy with emotion, but before he could speak the waitress arrived with the platter of loaded potato skins and their drinks. She set the platter in front of Finn.
“You eat those, skinny boy. Anyone can see that you are supposed to have at least thirty more pounds on your bones than you carry now,” she scolded. “Until you’re a normal weight, you don’t come in here on my watch and eat rabbit food even if I have to buy your lunch myself.”
She flounced away after setting down their drinks and Finn flushed a deep red. Haven smiled at him, sympathetic to Finn’s wounded pride.
“She’s a good person. She always serves me and Micah. We came in here with Alex all the time and she never once gave us any flack for being gay submissives,” he told Finn.
Micah nodded his agreement and took one of the loaded skins, blowing on it to cool the piping hot melted cheese on the top. He took a bite, chewed and swallowed. “Hot!” He fanned his mouth and grinned like a teenager. “Yeah, she’s alright. She doesn’t care that we obviously like guys and that we’re totally kinky leather club subs. Personally, I think she thinks it’s hot.” He winked at Finn in an exaggerated manner.
Finn burst out laughing and Haven relaxed. The guy reached for a skin and began to blow on it like Micah. That’s when Haven knew everything would be okay. Finn wasn’t without hope after all. He believed in his budding friendship with them. He would hang in there and try to overcome Jake’s reluctance to get involved with another submissive. The bastard who had spent five years treating Finn like a thing would not win. One day, Finn would break down the walls of the man he’d already fallen in love with and he’d find a way to bring happiness to both of them. Haven and Micah just needed to keep encouraging their new friend.
Haven reached for a potato skin. “Eat up, Elf,” he urged Finn. “You’ll never catch a Dominant when you look like you’re gonna pass out from malnutrition any moment.”
Nodding to himself, Haven bit into the appetizer. It wouldn’t be long before Finn filled out and began to look healthy. If Jake didn’t notice the guy then, Haven figured they might have to take Finn dancing at Darkness. The interest of other Dominants in Finn’s Nordic beauty might wake Jake up. If that didn’t work, they’d think of something else because Ray was right. Finn and Jake were perfect for each other. Five - Finn

The long haired guitarist sat in the lounge playing a sad melody on his acoustic guitar, a soda can on the end table beside him and a bag of chips on the couch beside his thigh. His hair kept falling in his face as he worked out the song, changing chords and humming along with his playing. Trying to stay as silent as possible, Finn swept the tiled kitchen area and wiped the counter. With one hand stretched toward the microwave door, cleaning wipes at the ready, he fell motionless as the guitarist hit a wrong chord.

Finn winced. The guitarist cursed and tried again. Again, a wrong chord. Finn’s hand fell to his side as he stared at the back of the man’s head.
Try ‘A’ minor
, he wanted to say, but he remained silent. The guitarist backtracked a little and as he came up on the tricky part again, he still couldn’t make the song work. Curses filled the air.

“Try ‘A’ minor,” Finn said softly, the words escaping him involuntarily.

The guitarist turned to look at him and Finn’s eyes widened. He clapped a hand over his mouth and backed away. The guy stood up, staring.
“I-I’m s-sorry,” Finn stammered, backing up until the counter bit into the small of his back.
The long haired musician frowned. “Do you play guitar?”
Finn shook his head. “Piano.” The musician’s frown disappeared and Finn ventured another sentence. “I went to Juilliard.”
Admiration lit the guitarist’s eyes. “Lucky fuck. ‘A’ minor, huh?” He cocked an eyebrow at Finn and shot him a little smile before returning to his seat and picking his guitar up. This time when he played the tricky part of the melody he smoothly transitioned the song into the ‘A’ minor chord that Finn had suggested. He shot to his feet.
“Jesus, kid! That’s perfect! How’d you know?”
Finn felt his face heat. “I have a knack,” he murmured and started edging away, his broom in hand.
“No, wait! Don’t go,” the guitarist pleaded. “Tell me what you think of this.” He sat down and played a different song for Finn.
Head tilted to one side, Finn closed his eyes and listened to the song. It had a driving beat and he liked it but something was missing. The guitarist stopped playing. Finn opened his eyes to find the guy gazing at him expectantly.
“Well?”
“It needs…” Finn broke off and licked his dry lips, his eyes on the guitarist’s rapt face. “The bridge…it’s…” Fear swamped him. He had no business advising a rock star on how to write a song. He was just a guy who played piano and hadn’t finished college. He drew a deep breath, opened his mouth and spoke.
“The wrong key.”
Another voice said the words at the same and Finn’s heart leaped. He jerked around and found Jake standing about five feet from him, a smile curving his lips. Jake took a few steps toward the couch the guitarist sat on.
“It’s the wrong key, Adam.”
“If you say so, man,” the musician said and stood up. “I trust you, Jake. You know that.” He gestured toward Finn. “That kid knows his stuff. I should hire him.”
Jake shook his head. “He’s mine.”
Adam laughed. “I don’t wanna fuck him, man. I just want his help on these songs.”
Again, Jake shook his head. “He works for me.”
“Whatever, dude.”
Adam walked back into the big studio across from the lounge. The door shut with a thud. Finn glanced up at Jake before returning his gaze to the floor.
“You did good, Finn. I’m proud of you.”
The pleased expression on the Dominant’s face made Finn’s heart race. Jake’s amber eyes glowed with a light that captured Finn’s entire attention. His cock began to throb and swell beneath the denim placket of his jeans. God, he wanted Jake. Had from the moment he’d set eyes on him.
He’d been at Wired for Sound almost three weeks now. He kept the studio spotless and stayed out of the way of the rock stars who had invaded the space to record their albums. He’d learned that all of the musicians respected Jake and his opinion carried a lot of weight with them. They tried to entice him to sing or play on their songs but he always refused. They seemed genuinely disappointed when he turned them down. Finn thought that Jake must really be good if rock stars were begging him to collaborate with them.
“You know, it’s not always easy to hold your own around these guys. They have their diva moments,” Jake said as he stepped closer to Finn. “And some of them aren’t nearly as good as the public thinks they are. Some of them are nothing more than good looks and a decent voice bolstered and held together with good PR, great songwriters and producers and a really solid back up band.”
Finn stared at Jake in disbelief. He hadn’t noticed that the two bands currently working at Wired for Sound lacked talent. His expression must have given away his thoughts because Jake chuckled.
“I don’t mean these guys. They’re all pretty genuine. But there are others who don’t have their talent and yet make more money than both these bands put together,” Jake admitted. “The thing is, it’s okay to give them a little help here and there, but don’t ever step into the trap of agreeing to work with them. That’s not a smart move.”
“Why not?” Finn asked, tilting his head to look up at the Dominant.
Jake snorted and rubbed a hand over the back of the couch. “For you, the main one would be that they’d end up treating you like your parents did. Oh, they wouldn’t trot you out like a performing pig but they’d use you just the same.”
“Is that why you won’t ever sing with them or write songs with them when they ask?”
A glimmer of appreciation appeared in Jake’s amber eyes. “I know better than to let them exploit me. They respect me, but they’d use me in a heartbeat if they could. Better that they learn right now that you aren’t going give them any more than you just gave Adam.”
Finn’s mouth curled into a smile. “He was pissed that you wouldn’t let me help him.”
Another snort escaped Jake. “He’ll get over it. His diva-tude never lasts long. He just isn’t used to people telling him no.”
Sliding a foot forward, Finn inched closer to Jake. He glanced up at the older man through the fringe of hair that hung over his forehead. “He seemed to take it for granted that I belong to you,” Finn said softly.
Jake’s hand came out to cup Finn’s chin. Their gazes met. Jake sighed. Finn quivered.
“Yeah, I did sort of give them all the sense that you belong to me. I wanted to make sure they left you alone,” Jake admitted.
Heart leaping, Finn decided he’d waited long enough to ask the question that had been on the tip of his tongue from the moment he’d first set eyes on Jake. “Do you want me to belong to you?”
Heat flared in Jake’s eyes, but he heaved a sigh and a rueful smile tilted his mouth up in one corner. “Yes. We both know that I do. But that doesn’t mean it’s right and it doesn’t mean I will.”
“Why not? I want you too. You must know that.” Finn knew he sounded like he was begging but he couldn’t help himself. He’d never wanted anyone the way he wanted Jake.
A door slammed and three members of the other band working at Wired for Sound burst out of the middle studio. Jake moved away from Finn, the delicate balance of the moment they’d just shared broken by the band’s raucous laughter. Finn decided that he wouldn’t let the subject die though. Later, when he and Jake were alone, he would bring it up again.