Bitter Bonds (7 page)

During one of his twice a week lunches with Haven and Micah, Finn told them about the artwork in the bedroom and the ensuing discussion. Micah’s face took on a disgusted expression, but Haven appeared sad.

“I don’t understand why Jake doesn’t realize that his problem isn’t with all submissives, only with the ones he collared previously. And that’s only because he chose the wrong men. Things would be completely different with you,” Micah huffed. “I swear I just want to wring the man’s neck.”

“He’s struggling with his emotions, Micah. Cut the man some slack.” Haven turned to Finn. “How are you holding up?”

“He fucks me into the mattress almost every night of the week. He gives amazing blow jobs. He sleeps with me every night.” Finn shrugged, trying not show his friends how much it hurt that Jake wouldn’t collar him. “What’s not to like about those things?”

Before Haven could speak, Micah’s face took on a wicked cast. “Did you know a blow job from a submissive is a completely different thing to a blow job from a Dominant? Submissives give blow jobs because they want to please. Dominants give blow jobs because they like to suck cock.”

Finn and Haven stared at Micah in shocked silence for a long moment. Then they all started laughing and the somber mood lifted a little.
“It’s true!” Micah insisted. “Dominants don’t ever have to give blow jobs! If they do, it’s because they like to suck cock. Think about it!”
Haven held his ribs and wheezed. “We have. You’re right, but I don’t think we ever thought of that before.”
“Consider it my contribution to the discussion of the Dominant psyche. Jake must love sucking cock and he must love Finn otherwise why would he do it?” Micah’s brows rose as his face took on an arch expression.
Finn sobered instantly at the L word. “Love has nothing to do with what goes on between me and Jake.”
“Oh, bullshit.” Micah snorted. “It has everything to do with it. Neither of you have said it and neither of you has probably even admitted it to yourselves but you’re so deep in love it’s obvious to the rest of us.”
“No, it’s not. It might be obvious that I love Jake but the reverse isn’t true because Jake doesn’t love me.” Finn knew he stood on solid ground with his argument. Jake cared about him, but he didn’t love him.
Micah and Haven exchanged a look that told Finn his friends didn’t believe him. He bit back a sigh. He didn’t need them getting his hopes up for nothing. He couldn’t afford to believe a word they said about Jake’s feelings for him. It would just hurt him more when he had to leave.
Finn glared at the other submissives. “He doesn’t,” he said firmly. “And even if he did, just a little, his past won’t ever let him admit it. He won’t get into a long term relationship with a submissive. And the two of you need to stop pushing the issue. I can’t afford to hope that things will change. It will only make it worse when Jake sends me away.”
Alarm flared in the eyes of both his friends. “Sends you away? Why would you think he’ll send you away?” Micah demanded.
This time his sigh escaped. “He’s been hinting that I should think about returning to Juilliard.”
“That’s about your talent not about him sending you away. Good Doms take care of their subs,” Haven explained quietly. “He may not think he’s acting like a Dominant, but he is. It’s natural to him and he can’t curb every Dominant instinct he has just because he thinks he needs to.”
“It doesn’t matter what’s driving it. It still comes down to him sending me away. Juilliard isn’t across town, it’s across the country.” The tears he kept resolutely hidden from the world threatened as his eyes filled. He tipped his head down so his hair flopped over his eyes, hiding his pain from his friends. “I feel like I have a real home for the first time in my life. I feel like I have someone who genuinely cares about me and now he’s going to send me away. How the hell do you think that makes me feel? He’s going to be just like everyone else except that this time when I have to go, I’ll leave behind my heart.”
With a sniffle, Finn lifted his gaze to his friends. “I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone the way I love Jake.”
His words came out in a hoarse rasp caused by the aching lump in his throat. He didn’t want to think about Jake and what he knew loomed in his future. He didn’t want to think about leaving the first real friends he’d ever had. He’d managed to keep the pain inside him under control ever since Jake had first mentioned that he should think about returning to Juilliard. He’d just found happiness. He didn’t want to think about losing it already. A hard arm gave him a one-armed hug. Haven gripped him tightly. “Whatever you need from us, we’ll do. Micah and I will help.”
“Nothing will help. You can’t change Jake’s mind. Only Jake can.” He smiled weakly at his friends. “But I appreciate you both wanting to try. You’re the best friends I’ve ever had.”
“Friends forever,” Micah vowed putting his arm around Finn from the other side. “If Jake tries to put you on a plane to New York, you can come stay with me and Nick. Go to school here with me. They have a decent music program. It’s no Juilliard, but you can certainly get your degree.”
A germ of an idea began to form in Finn’s head. “Can you bring me some information about enrolling?” he asked Micah.
“You got it.” The other sub nodded firmly.
“Even if this doesn’t last with Jake, I have to be able to make a living. I can’t end up on the street again. I need a plan.” Finn’s mind whirled with ideas.
“We’ll help,” Haven repeated. “You won’t end up on the street. You have us now. And as long as you work toward your goals and keep to your plan, anything is possible. I think you’re wrong about Jake, but even if you’re right, you won’t end up in dire straits like you did before.”
Finn knew that he’d hit a turning point in his life. Juilliard was not for him. He needed to go to school because he had to support himself, but he wouldn’t leave Colorado. He belonged here with his friends even if Jake broke things off with him. For the first time in his life he would do what he wanted, what made him happy. He’d use his music for himself instead of letting others use it for their own benefit. He’d play piano bars and honky tonks, wherever he could get a gig, to pay for school. And afterward, maybe he’d teach. The thought of helping children with talent appealed to him.
“All I need is a plan…”
His friends grinned at him and Finn smiled back. Even if he lost Jake, he would be able to go on because he had a plan. With another sigh, he leaned back in his chair. He had survived a brutal five years with Arlen Reynolds. He could survive anything, even a broken heart.
“You know what we need?”
He and Haven turned their gazes to Micah who had an evil grin on his angelic face.
“A night of dirty dancing,” he pronounced with an emphatic nod of his blond head. “Jake will shit his pants when he sees how many Doms want you. I’ll have Nick set it up. We’ll go out and dance and show you off, Finn. If that doesn’t push Jake over the edge then…I’ll think of something else that will!”
The determined light in Micah’s eyes lifted Finn’s spirits. His friends’ support warmed and comforted him. He’d never been much of a dancer, but he knew it would be impossible to tell Micah “no” when he set his mind to something.
Finn found his curiosity getting the better of him as he wondered just how Jake would react to Doms paying attention to him at Darkness. And he wondered what he would do if Jake just didn’t care. Eight – Jake

Jake slipped from his bed and pulled on a pair of sweats, his gaze automatically going to the slender young man who lay sleeping peacefully beneath the covers. In the pale, late winter moonlight, Finn looked exactly like the anime elf Jake’s friends had nicknamed him for, the one that hung over the bed Finn currently slept in. But it was Finn’s personality and sexuality that would haunt Jake long after the boy’s appearance no longer matched that of the Japanese cartoon. Jake had never met a man who matched him so perfectly. Even though he’d deliberately kept kink out of their relationship, their natural dominance and submission still crept into everything they did. Finn occasionally called him sir instead of Jake and more often than not neither of them noticed. Jake’s dominance reared its head with every order he issued even though none of the orders were kinky. He’d never been so content.

Unable to sleep, he gave his lover one last lingering look before he headed down to the studio. Bare feet silent on the wood floor Finn kept polished to a high gloss, Jake went into the big studio and turned on a digital recorder in the control room. Then he settled himself in a chair in the live room, adjusting a microphone near his face and cradling his Martin acoustic guitar to his bare chest. Before his father had become ill, he’d spent many nights in the studio with the recorder running, playing whatever came to him. In the last few years, he hadn’t been able to enjoy making music in such a spontaneous manner. He’d felt guilty about the amount of time he’d spent away from his submissives and guilt stifled creativity. With Finn, Jake didn’t feel guilty leaving their bed to pick up a guitar. He knew Finn would understand.

He sat facing the control room window, his back to the door. Bits of an old song he’d never finished came back to him, reminding him that he hadn’t had any creative inspiration in a long time. He began to play, humming the melody and trying to remember if he’d actually written words to the song. With a shrug, he figured if he had, they were long gone and new words were bursting to come out of him. He cleared his throat and began to sing.

My Daddy made me promise Not to throw my life away He told me to work hard at life And count my blessings every day.

“Don’t ever give up on love, son,” Was his advice to me The heart that never knows love Is bound and cannot see.

Jake hummed his way through a third verse that he hadn’t found the words for yet and went from an equally wordless chorus to the bridge. As he did so, he heard the plaintive melody echoed in the soft notes of the grand piano behind him. He twisted on his stool and looked over his shoulder at a half naked Finn seated at the glossy black instrument. Eyes closed, swaying gently with the music that flowed through him to his fingertips, Finn instinctively added depth to Jake’s original melody. When the submissive softly sang the bridge, the words he added cut straight to Jake’s soul.

It doesn’t matter if you never loved me Doesn’t matter that you didn’t stay You made me happy while you were here And that memory won’t ever go away

Jake stopped playing, unable to play another note. Finn didn’t have a trained voice. The soft, husky notes were in tune and passable but not notable in anyway. However, the way he knew exactly what to play to enhance what Jake played blew him away. And the words that poured from the submissive’s mouth fit Jake’s song so perfectly that he wondered how the kid had gotten inside his head.

When Finn fell silent, Jake stood up and set his guitar on a stand. He padded over to the piano and found Finn’s face turned away, his shoulders set tensely. Before he could touch his lover, Finn’s hoarse voice broke the silence.

“I’m sorry. It was your song. I shouldn’t have interrupted.”

The hand Jake had stretched out toward Finn descended to his shoulder. The submissive’s skin was cool to the touch, prickled with goose bumps.
“It was beautiful, Finn. Exactly what I was looking for. You don’t have to apologize for helping,” he said softly.
The boy’s head lifted slightly and he cautiously peered over his shoulder at Jake. His expression held fear and an unbearable sadness that made Jake want to wrap his arms around the guy and hold him in a bone crushing hug. Finn turned away again, dipping his head so he could knuckle his eyes.
Jake’s heart broke. The boy loved music so much. The longer he stayed with Jake, the more obvious it became. He hummed when he cleaned the studio and when he did chores in the condo upstairs. He played the piano daily now before dinner and Jake had found sheet after sheet of handwritten music in Finn’s little apartment, on the bed, desk and table. The guy needed to go back to Juilliard. Jake just didn’t know why he resisted the idea.
Finn finally turned and their gazes met. “I thought you would be mad that I took over your song,” he whispered, his expression still agonized.
This time, Jake went with his gut and wrapped his arms around his lover. “You are more than welcome to make music with me any time, Finn. Your talent is amazing.”
The submissive buried his face in Jake’s chest, holding him tightly around the waist. “I’ve never heard anyone with such a beautiful voice. You should be a star, Jake.”
Jake chuckled and ran his hands down Finn’s back, his fingers tracing the nubs of his spine. “That is the pot calling the kettle black.”
Finn started to shake his head in denial but Jake took hold of his chin in one hand. “Your singing leaves something to be desired, but your playing and song writing skills are incomparable. The words you sang fit my song perfectly.” He pulled Finn to his feet and smacked his denim covered ass. “Now, go write down what we played. Words and music both. I know you can do it. You’ve a photographic memory for music. There’s staff paper in the control room.”
He watched the submissive do as he was told, walking into the control room, then sitting down near the board. With his head bent over the paper, Finn wrote rapidly while Jake turned everything off and put away his guitar. By the time he returned to Finn’s side, several sheets of paper held notes and lyrics. Jake took them from him.
“Good boy,” he murmured, the phrase falling automatically from his lips. He hid a wince, but Finn didn’t seem to notice his slip back into dominance.
“Can we do this again?” Finn asked, his pale eyes hopeful.
Jake took him by the hand and led him out of the studio. “Sure. I enjoyed it a lot.” He steered them toward the door to the stairs. “Now, I think it’s time we went back to bed and did something else we both enjoy a lot.”
As they climbed the stairs, Finn glanced back at Jake who noted the eagerness of his lover’s expression. He laughed softly. He’d never in his life indulged in vanilla sex. Now, with Finn, he found himself thinking of it constantly. The silky wetness of Finn’s mouth. The heated clasp of his ass. The bliss of his touch. He had it bad and if he dreamed of taking Finn into his playroom and spanking his pure white buttocks until they glowed a fiery red, no one knew of it. His nightly dream forays into BDSM were a secret. Except that he had the oddest notion that Finn dreamed of the same things. Nine - Jake