BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (10 page)

“Oh, Daddy, it was terrible!” I sat up, shaking and crying.

“You had a nightmare, baby. You’re okay. It’s just you and me. We just pulled into the restaurant parking lot. You still want that soup, don’t you?”

“I guess so.” I wiped my tears.

“Well, come on. I’m starving and like the doctor said, you need nourishment.” He helped me out of the car, then held on to me as we walked across the parking lot. We stepped inside the door of the restaurant and a very pretty lady greeted us. 

“Hello. My name’s Bobbi. I’ll be your server tonight.” She smiled and led us to a corner booth near the back.

“Well, hello, Bobbi. A beautiful name for a beautiful lady.” Daddy looked up at her and flashed his most alluring smile.

“Thank you, sir.” She smiled. “What can I get you two?”

“Do you have chicken soup?”

“Yes, sir. It’s homemade, and very good.”

“Is that what you want, Suzy?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“A bowl of chicken soup for her, and give me ham and eggs, over easy, rye toast, and coffee.”

“Do you want something to drink, sweetheart?”

“No, thank you.”

“Oh, she’s so polite for a little thing.” Bobbi smiled.
“I’ll be right back with your coffee, sir.”

“Well, Sarah, what do you think of her?”

“She’s nice, and pretty, too.”

“Well then, you stay here and let me get to work.” He grinned, and went up to the counter.

Once he started talking to Bobbi, she smiled and laughed a lot, and she kept looking over at me. His magic was working! It wasn’t long before she disappeared, and returned within moments with keys in her hand.

Daddy came back to the table, smiling. “We’re in, baby. Didn’t take me long with this one. She doesn’t live far and we can stay as long as we want.”

“Good! I like her.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Okay, soup for Suzy, and ham and eggs for you, Eddie.” Bobbi smiled at me and winked. “Eat up. I get off work in twenty minutes.”

“We’ll be ready when you are, gorgeous.” Daddy squeezed her hand.

The soup tasted really good and I was very hungry. I still felt a little weak, but after a good night’s sleep and more food, I figured I’d be just fine! I’d just finished my soup when Bobbi slid into the seat next to Daddy.

“You guys ready?” She smiled at Daddy, then at me.

“I am. How ‘bout you Suzy? You ready to go to Bobbi’s house?”

Grabbing the napkin, I wiped my mouth. “I’m ready!”

Bobbi lived four blocks away, and she’d walked to work
for exercise
. She told us her husband had died, left her everything, and they never had any kids. 

“I always wanted children, but it didn’t happen for us. Turn right at the next street. George was a good man. A good provider. He was killed on his way home two years ago by a drunk driver. I haven’t been with a man since. Okay, slow down. It’s the white house with the blue trim on your
left.”

“This one?” Daddy asked, pulling into the driveway.

“Yep. It’s too large just for me. I do hope you like it here, Eddie, and you too, Suzy.” She looked back at me and smiled.

“I’m sure we will, Bobbi.” Daddy smiled at her, then he too looked back at me, and smiled.

“Well, come on in. I’ll show you around in the morning, but for now, Suzy, let me show you to your room.” She took me up the stairs and to the end of the hall. At the last door she stopped and opened the door. “This would’ve been my little girl’s room.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed walking into the large room. “It’s beautiful! Is it all for me?”

“It sure is, honey. And, you have your own bathroom, too.”

“Wow! I never had my own room, or my own bathroom before!”

“Well, you do now. Make yourself at home, and I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight, honey.”

“Night, Bobbi.”  She closed the door, and I looked around the room, then whispered, “I can’t believe this!” I looked at the big bed with a pink canopy covered in white lace, a matching bedspread, and a toy box full of toys!

“This is the most beautiful room I’ve ever seen! I’m gonna like it here! I hope we stay forever and ever!” 

When I finally came down from the clouds, I laid my nightgown across the bed, then quickly decided to deal with the few other clothes Ellie had scrounged for me in the morning. I went to check out the bathroom.

Finding a bottle of bubble bath on a stand next to the tub, I filled the tub with warm water and added lots of bubbles that smelled like vanilla. Climbing in, I lay back until my head slipped underneath the water, and held my breath as long as possible.

For the first time in a very long time I felt really happy, and very glad Bobbi didn’t have kids.

“
Or a fuckin’ man to make us do things, or hurt us!”
Jean voiced with spite.

For once I felt completely safe—in my own room!

I stayed in the tub until my fingers and toes were
wrinkled and all the bubbles were gone. After using one of the matching pink and white towels, I crawled into the big, soft bed, and slept better than I’d slept in years.

I awoke to the smell of bacon, and the sound of laughter, coming from downstairs. Jumping up, I dressed quickly and ran down the stairs. I was so hungry, and the smells that came from the kitchen were wonderful.

That’s where I found Bobbi, cooking breakfast, and Daddy sitting at the table with a cup of coffee. They both were smiling! 

“Good morning, sweetheart. Did you sleep well?” Bobbi asked.

“Oh, yes! The bed and the room are wonderful! Before I went to bed I took a nice, long bubble bath. I liked the smell, too!”

“Oh, I’m so glad. I always kept that room set up for a sweet little girl just like you.” She smiled. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving!”

“Well, sit right down here and it’ll be ready in a minute.”

As I watched her in the kitchen, it reminded me of Mama. I felt sad thinking about her, but still, I ate like I hadn’t eaten in months. Bobbi was a great cook!

After breakfast she showed me every room in her house, and she even had a color TV that I could watch whenever I wanted! Bobbi showed me her room last. It was so beautiful decorated in different shades of purples. She had her own bathroom, too!

Then we went to my room and she helped me make my bed and put away my things.

“Are these all the clothes you have, sweetie?”

I nodded. “I don’t need much.” 

“Well, this just won’t do. I’m off work tomorrow, so we’re gonna go shopping and get you all new clothes. Would you like that?”

My eyes lit up at the thought of new clothes; not something that had been tossed in the trash or in the corner of a garage to be donated to charity. Even the few things Ellie had given me were used.

“I’d like that, but I’ll have to ask Daddy.”

“Don’t you worry about Eddie. I’ll handle him. I might even get him new clothes, too—if he’s a good boy.”  She winked, then tossed her head back, laughing.  

Her beautiful blue eyes glistened like the sky on a clear day when she laughed, and her silky blond hair that came down to the middle of her back swayed like corn silk in the wind when she moved her head. I sat mesmerized for several moments looking at her beauty.

“I used to have long hair, Bobbi. It was down to my butt.”

“Why in the world would someone cut it? You have beautiful hair.”

“Daddy said I got gum in it, so he had to cut it.”

“Oh! Well, one good thing, it’ll grow back. Just be careful chewing gum next time.”

“I will. Can I ask you something, Bobbi?”

“Sure, sweetie. You can ask me anything.”

“Do you like my daddy?”

“Very much. And, I like you, too,
very, very
much.” She gave me a big hug, and smiled. “I want you to feel at home, Suzy, so don’t be shy. If there’s anything you need, anything at all, just ask. Okay?”

Not knowing what to say, I nodded. 

“Good! Now, I have to get ready for work, but I’ll see you tonight.”

After Bobbi left my room, the smell of flowers from her hair lingered, and I thought: so this must be what a
real
family
should
be like—what happy and safe—s
hould
feel like.

I knew I felt good! And for once, I didn’t pray for death. I prayed we’d live with Bobbi forever. Happy and safe—forever and ever. “Please God, please let me be happy.”

“Come on, sweetie. Time to get up. Right after
breakfast we go shopping! We haven’t bought you new clothes in months!” Smiling, Bobbi bounded out of my room like a little kid.

She seemed more excited about shopping than I was. Still, I hurried to get dressed and ran down the stairs. She had breakfast already on the table. We ate quickly, leaving our dirty dishes in the sink so we could start our day together. 

We spent the whole day shopping and laughing and shopping some more. We had lunch at a little diner—just Bobbi and me—and I felt very happy. 

I also hadn’t had nightmares about Daddy, or Frank and his sons in a long time. 

“Bobbi?”

“Yes, sweetie?” She put her cup on the table and looked at me.

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-six. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, I just wondered.” I took a drink of soda, then continued with my questions.

“Bobbi?” 

“Yes?”

“Are you gonna marry Daddy?”

Her face filled with surprise. “Oh heavens, sweetie. He hasn’t asked me.”

“Well, if he does, will you?”

Smiling, she took my hand in hers. “Yes, Suzy. If he asks me, I will.”

“Good! I want to stay with you forever and ever.”

“I want that too, sweetie. More than you know. So, you ready for more shopping?”

“Yep!” I looked up at her, and smiled. “Bobbi, I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetie. Come on. Let’s go shopping.”

We shopped for hours and talked a lot. I asked Bobbi where babies came from, and about love, and ways of showing love to kids. I asked all kinds of questions as I tried to understand things that had happened, and she answered everything I asked. 

When I asked if Daddy sleeping in the same bed with
me without his clothes on was wrong, she stopped walking and led me over to a bench. We sat down and she started asking me questions.

She asked if Daddy had ever touched me in private places or made me touch him, but I couldn’t tell her! Daddy told me to never tell anyone! I lied and told her no, but I didn’t think she believed me as she continued with questions I couldn’t answer. When I started to cry she put her arm around me, and held me very close for a long time.

She didn’t ask me anything else, but she seemed very upset, and I thought I’d done something to make her mad at me. She assured me I’d done nothing wrong, but she wanted to go home. She said she had a headache and that we’d done enough shopping for one day.

In silence, she drove the long way back to her house.

I felt bad having to lie, but I couldn’t tell her! She’d hate me if she knew I’d been bad. She wouldn’t want me anymore! I hoped she’d forgive me.

When we got home Daddy was on the couch watching TV and Bobbi was smiling again. I felt better and rushed over to show Daddy my new clothes, my new shoes, and my new coat! 

“I thought you were gonna stay gone all night!” he snapped at Bobbi.

“Daddy, please. Bobbi bought me new clothes. See, Daddy!” I wanted him to look at my clothes, and not fight with Bobbi. 

“Eddie, the child needed clothes! Please don’t spoil the day for her. Look at her dresses. She’s so proud of them. Everything we picked out she asked if you’d like it.”

Bobbi’s soft blue eyes darkened in a scorching look, smoldering, like she could shoot daggers at Daddy. I couldn’t help but wonder if things we talked about had made her mad at him, instead of me. 

He stared at her several more minutes, then smiled. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just had a bad day. I looked for a
job all day and didn’t find anything.” His voice had returned to normal, but the look in his eyes told me he was still very upset.

“Come here, Suzy. Let’s see those clothes.” 

“You’ll find a job soon,” Bobbi said stiffly. “I’ll get supper started.”

She smiled at me, but her eyes didn’t sparkle, and her voice had sounded harsh. Even the bounce in her step had vanished. She hadn’t seen Daddy really mad before, but I knew it wouldn’t be the last.

That night I dreamed of Mama, something I hadn’t done in such a long time. Like my earlier dreams, she ran through fields of blue flowers and Daddy sat on a blanket, but this time he started yelling and hitting her. Then a door slammed shut, and Mama started crying.