BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (16 page)

I got up, still groggy, and staggered into the kitchen. Daddy, already sitting at the table waiting for me, said, “I’m as hungry now as I was sleepy before.”

Then, he didn’t speak again until both our bowls were scraped clean.

“Man, that was good, even if I do say so myself.”

“Kinda hard to screw up soup, Daddy.” I laughed. 

“Funny.” He grinned. “You want to watch TV?”

“Sure, just you and me. Like it used to be, remember?”

“Yes, Sarah, I remember. But now you have a little brother, so it can’t be just you and me.”

“I know, Daddy, but for tonight it can, can’t it?”

“Yes, it can. Race you!”

Laughing, we jumped up from the table, and ran for the couch. As usual, Daddy let me win, but I had fun. I liked hearing Daddy laugh, and everything felt good—at least for the moment. 

The next few days Daddy stayed busy putting together the crib and all that other baby stuff, so he was too tired at
night to come to my room. That made the others very happy. They could sleep all night without having to do anything for anyone!

Janet came home from the hospital at the end of the week and everything changed. Daddy wasn’t happy anymore, and when Jimmy cried, she always blamed me, yelling, “What did you do to him, Suzy? Why did you hurt him?”

I couldn’t even imagine doing anything to hurt him!

I’d tell her I’d been in my room and hadn’t gone near him, but she’d accuse me of doing something, then running back into my room. She never believed me.

Daddy tried to defend me, but it didn’t do any good. What Janet said, or thought, was law. To hell with the truth! 

A week later Daddy told me he couldn’t stand being around the old bitch any longer and went back to work. With him gone, things were worse than before the baby. She constantly yelled at me, blamed me, and hit me. I couldn’t do anything right! 

Jimmy cried a lot, but Janet didn’t seem to care. She had her bottle and stayed passed out most of the time. I’d try to get Jimmy to stop crying, but I wasn’t allowed to pick him up. I’d pull a chair over to his crib and rock him the best I could.

Still, he cried and cried. 

Daddy had been gone for a couple of days, but so far no men had come over. I hadn’t felt very good since Daddy left, so I stayed in my room most of the time. But even if I’d felt fine, I still would’ve stayed inside so I could hear Jimmy when he cried. 

It was lunchtime before Janet finally stirred from the couch, yelling, “Suzy! Where the hell are you? Get out here,
NOW!”

Jumping off my bed, I ran out, and found her in the kitchen with lunch on the table. She never fixed lunch for me, so I figured she must be up to something.

“Get your ass over here and eat!”

“I’m not hungry, Janet. I don’t feel good.” 

“Oh, you don’t feel
good
,” she mocked. “Well, I don’t feel good either! I don’t have time to argue with you, I have to feed the baby.”

“Can’t I just go back to my room? My stomach hurt all night.”

“I cooked this, and you
will
eat it! NOW!”

After I sat down at the table she left the kitchen.

She’d made a plate full of squash, which she knew I didn’t like, and the smell made me want to puke! I jumped up from the table, and ran for the bathroom, but the moment
I entered the living room my face met the back of her hand, knocking me to the floor.

“I thought you’d sneak out the second my back was turned, you sneaky little bitch! Get in there and
EAT!”

“Janet, I’m sick. I need to go to the bathroom!”

“After you eat! NOW!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

I went back to the table and stared at the plate, trying not to throw up. At least I knew why she’d fixed lunch. She wanted to make me suffer! Returning with me, she stood over me, glaring.

I forced a bite in my mouth, but when I did, I hurled in the plate.

Looking up at her, I yelled, “I couldn’t help it, Janet! I told you I’m sick!” 

“You can just eat it anyway, little whore.” Her smile became so vindictive.

“But, it has puke in it!”

“That’s your problem, isn’t it? EAT IT!” she bellowed.

My stomach churned when I tried to force another bite. I puked again in the plate, then on the table, and finally on the floor. Her hand struck my cheek so hard it sent me tumbling out of the chair.

“Get to your room! I’ll think of a
suitable
punishment for you, little bitch!”

Pulling myself up from the floor, I ran to my room, and fell on my bed. Whatever punishment she came up with, I knew would be worse than anything she’d done so far.

I’d fallen asleep when awakened by excruciating pain across my back. Blow after blow, the pain echoed throughout my body. Rolling over, I tried to get off my bed, but I saw Janet glaring, with her hand raised over her head. Before I could move, she came down with another powerful blow across my stomach.

The pain was the worst I’d felt in my life! 

The witch had wrapped a bar of soap in a towel and kept hitting me over and over, again and again.

Finally, appearing exhausted, she stormed out of my room, and I thought the punishment had ended. Crying, I held my stomach where she’d hit me so many times,
whispering, “Daddy, where are you? I need you, Daddy. I need you. Please come back and save me.”

Still mumbling to myself, the door flew open, and Janet stood in the doorway holding a pillowcase. She jerked me off the bed, threw me across the room, and yelled, “Let’s see how you like this, little whore!”

Grabbing me, she threw me into my closet, then with the nastiest laugh I’d ever heard, she threw the pillowcase into the corner and slammed the door. I heard the scraping sound of a chair being pulled across the floor, and she pushed the back of the chair under the doorknob.

I was trapped, but I felt safe, and leaned back against the wall. After a long moment I felt something crawl across my leg.

I reached for the string to turn on the light, but it wasn’t there! Again, something slithered across my leg, then over my hand! Jerking my hand upwards, I screamed. 

Cruel, sickening laughter came from outside the closet. Then, I heard a rattling sound again and again. I knew that sound….

Rattlesnakes!

Rattlesnakes were crawling over and around me!

Terrified, I forgot about being sick, ignored the pain from the beating, and hoped when this punishment ended, it would be enough reprimand. I remained motionless, and prayed for her to let me out before the snakes struck. 

Somehow, probably from exhaustion, I’d fallen asleep, when finally, I heard the chair being removed. I held my breath as Janet slowly opened the door. I didn’t know where the snakes were, but prepared to bolt from the closet the moment the door opened just enough for me to get out, I waited. 

But when the door opened wide enough, Janet stood blocking my exit to freedom! She raised her hand, and with her sadistic laugh, she shook the thing in her hand.
Rattles
! The fuckin’ bitch shook the rattles from a snake!

The punishment had all been a malicious deception, and the snakes in the closet were harmless! Still, I never had liked snakes, and now, I hated them—almost as much as I hated her.

“One of these days, bitch, we’ll have the last laugh. Just wait and see. One of these days
,” Jean voiced heatedly inside my head.

My thoughts were interrupted as Janet grabbed my hair, pulled me out of the closet, and tossed me across the room like a rag doll. 

“Get those clothes off, little whore!”

“Why?” I asked defiantly, still furious about the deception.

“Don’t give me any shit, little bitch! Get them off, NOW!”

I removed my thin dress.

“Those, too!” She pointed.

Pulling off my panties, I stood, naked, in front of the ugly, mean woman who definitely wasn’t through punishing me. 

“Someday you’ll learn to do as I say. You have one last chance to eat that squash.” Her eyes glared down at me. “Are you gonna eat it, or not?”

“NOT! I’m NOT gonna eat it!” I screamed, not worried about whatever the next punishment would be. I wasn’t going to eat that mess of puke no matter what! Besides, what more could she do to me that she hadn’t already done?

“Have it your way, little whore.” She smirked, grabbed my hair, and pulled me through the house and into the yard.

“You’re gonna tie me to the tractor without my clothes on, aren’t you?”

“Not this time, little whore. This time you’ll regret
ever
defying me!” She tightened her grip on the back of my head as she pulled me around to the side of the house, and over to the ladder. 

“Get up that ladder!”

I looked up to the top of the ladder, and thought, I’m not doing it! I’m not climbing that fuckin’ ladder! 

With the swiftness of a gazelle, her hand came down with a powerful blow across my back. She had concealed her soap in the rag weapon inside her apron pocket! She told me she could beat me all she wanted with it, and no one would ever know, because all the bruising would be deep inside the tissues.

Again, she came down with another commanding blow, hitting the side of my head. My head spun like a top. I fell to the ground, dazed. 

“Climb that ladder or I’ll give you more!” she screeched.

I picked myself up from the ground, my head still spinning. Holding on to the sides of the ladder, slowly, I put one foot on the bottom step.

“
MOVE IT!” she screeched.

Startled, my foot slipped off the step, landing on top of her foot. “I didn’t do it on purpose!” I yelled, but she had her hand over her head and back down before I could react. The soap crashed down on top of my head.

When I regained consciousness I was in total darkness. I tried to stand, but the ground was scratchy and hard and it sloped downward. Sliding, I realized I wasn’t on the ground. She’d carried me up the ladder. I was on top of the house!

“I hate heights!” I screamed.

Sliding again, I dug my fingers into the roughness, stopping my downward descent. When the moon came from behind a cloud to light my way, I moved toward the edge of the house looking for the ladder, but it wasn’t there.

Then I saw it! On the ground. The bitch had put me on top of the house, then taken the ladder away!

“Janet!” I screamed. “Janet! Where are you? I can’t get down!” I waited for her to come out of the house, but she didn’t come.

“Janet! Please, get me down!” I yelled and yelled until my voice became only a scratchy sound that no one could hear. Crying, I sat on the coarse roof and waited. It got colder and colder, and the moon kept going behind the clouds leaving me in total darkness.

The first glimpse of daylight appeared, but still she didn’t come. The sun emerged, but it didn’t last long as it disappeared behind the growing number of clouds, and the temperature began to drop fast as the sky grew gloomy. Dark clouds now hung just above my head. Some appeared close enough to touch.

A soft rain began to fall, and again, I tried to yell, but no sound escaped my lips.

I felt so cold, and I was getting more and more scared. Why wouldn’t she come get me down? Why did she hate me so much? I’d never known anyone so cruel, so down-right mean as Janet—the evil stepmother from hell. 

The soft rain turned into a beating-down, pouring, hard rain. Then the hail came. It started out pea-sized, but soon became the size of large marbles. Trying to cover my head with my hands, I cried.

It hurt so much.

Then darkness came again, and the hail stopped, but in its place, something worse. Thunder cracked and lightning flashed all around me! With each thunderous crack I’d jump, and with every burst of light I’d bury my head in my hands. Frightened, I thought, is the lightning going to hit me? Am I going to jump and fall off the roof?

“Please! Someone? Get me down!” I pleaded, but there was no one to hear my whispered cries.

Night turned to day and day to night again. Still, no one came. 

The storm finally passed and the thunder and lightning were gone, but the roof was wet and slippery. My fingers were bleeding, and it took all my strength just to hang on.
Day came again and then the cold, dark night. I needed sleep, but scared I’d slip off the slick roof, I fought the need for slumber and waited for daylight, and the warm sun.

I ached all over.

I sneezed again and again, and with each sneeze I’d slip closer to the edge of the roof, digging my bleeding fingers into the rough material. I held on with all my might, and for a brief moment I thought falling off might be a blessing. But I knew—with my luck—I wouldn’t die. I’d only be hurt and then Janet would hurt me even more.

Somehow, I had to hang on until someone came to save me….

The others had been taking turns with me, so I didn’t know how many days had passed when late in the afternoon a car pulled in front of the house. Hoping Daddy had come
back early—or had it already been two weeks?—I peered over the side. A man got out, but I couldn’t tell if it was Daddy or not until he was halfway to the porch.