BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (19 page)

Every night after dinner Molly sat down at the piano to sing, and I’d go take a
long
bubble bath so I couldn’t hear her. She called it soprano, but it sounded screechy to me. I didn’t like it at all!

One afternoon Molly wanted to take me swimming, but when I told her I didn’t know how to swim, without a word, she turned around and walked out the door! After a few minutes she came back, stating, “You’re learning to swim.”

She ushered me out to the car and we went to the store. I found a purple swimsuit I liked, so she bought it, and then told me, “My neighbor teaches kids to swim, Sarah, and she’s going to teach you. Then you can swim with the dolphins.”

I had so much fun playing in the water, but I always had to wear a tube thing around my waist. After a few weeks of lessons, and watching kids jump or dive into the water head first at the other end of the pool, I decided to try it, too! I took off the tube thing, positioned myself on the edge of the pool just like the bigger kids, and dove in. 

WOW! I got a big surprise when my head hit the bottom!

All the grown-ups came running over to me asking if I was okay, and I was—except for a massive headache! Right then and there, I decided
never
to dive into anything head first again!

That night Molly and Frank had a big fight after dinner. Frank walked out the front door yelling, “I might be back, and I might not!”

Molly just laughed, and told me he’d be back before morning. She continued her usual nightly routine, and when she finished cleaning the kitchen and sat down at the piano, I headed for the tub.

Frank returned in the wee morning hours, but he smelled like rotten whiskey and stale cigarettes when he came into my room and woke me up.

“Sarah, wake up. I’m lonely,” he whispered in my ear.

“Not again! Protect Sarah! Annie! Protect her
!” Polly screamed in my head, and I began to float away…

“What’s wrong, Uncle Frank?” Ann asked.

“I’m lonely and I’m horny. Eli said he taught you how to make a man happy. I want you to make me happy.”

“Please, Uncle Frank, no. Please don’t make me!” Ann pleaded.

Taking hold of her wrist, Frank tightened his grip and squeezed tighter and tighter, and his voice sounded so cold. “You
will
make me happy, Sarah, or I’ll break your fuckin’ arm. Do you hear me? I’ll break it if you don’t take care of me!”

What this Uncle Frank wanted broke her heart. She and the others had come to love the kind and gentle Frank. Ann searched his eyes, but all she saw was lust. The kind man they’d gotten to know—now gone—and in his place, a drunken stranger with eyes dark and smoldering, and a voice as cold as death had taken over his body. 

Ann had seen this look so many times before with the other Frank and was afraid not to do as told. She felt sick to her stomach.
She wanted him out of my room. She wanted Daddy to come back and take us away from this stranger who’d been kind, understanding, and gentle—until that night.

Maybe because Frank was drunk, it took every trick Daddy had taught her to get it over with. When he finally finished and stumbled out of the room Ann cried for hours. She hoped her tears would wash away the ever growing hue of shame she felt, and for the first time since Daddy had left, she wanted to die.

The others hoped and prayed it would be a one-time thing, but they knew it wouldn’t be. They knew he’d be back night after night leaving them with yet another bitter memory to keep buried deep inside…never able to tell another soul the humiliation they felt being forced to do these things.

“Please, God, please send Daddy back to us, or take us tonight to a better world
; to a place with no pain…no sorrow…and no men to hurt us. Please, God! Please hear our plea,” Ann whispered into the darkness of my once beautiful room. 

When Ann awoke still in bed, in a room she’d loved until a few hours ago, she got up and went into the bathroom to take a hot bath. The water burned as she tried to cleanse her soul as well as her skin.

She scrubbed until her skin became a glowing crimson color, but no matter how hard she rubbed, she still felt dirty. She couldn’t wash off the humiliation she felt, and hatred, once again, began to brew inside her—and the others.

When she finally gave up and got out of the tub, she thought that, maybe, since God hadn’t take us, Daddy would be back later that day. She got dressed and ran to the front window.

All day she watched and waited, and talked about what she’d do when Daddy arrived. She told us that she’d run outside, throw her arms around him, and beg him to take us far, far away…far away from Uncle Frank.

Molly made chicken and dumplings for dinner, Ann’s favorite, but she didn’t want to eat. Then, she had to beg Molly to let her stay up later than usual. Of course, she couldn’t tell Molly why she didn’t want to eat, or leave the window, or sit next to Uncle Frank. Or why she felt so sad. She couldn’t tell Molly what had happened while she slept in the room next to ours.

Again, God hadn’t listened. He’d never listened to her, Jean, Polly, Scottie, or even to my prayers. She and the others felt so lost, so alone—and, unloved.

Every night after Aunt Molly went to sleep, Frank came to my room like a stalking panther with fire in his eyes, and they’d cry themselves to sleep after he’d left, but they no longer prayed. They’d given up praying to a God who never listened.

God didn’t want bad kids living with Him.

We had no one to talk to. No one to love us. If only the others knew how to be good. But they didn’t know how to change, or how to refuse, and survive. They didn’t want to live, but they didn’t know how to die, either. 

I missed Daddy so much I became more withdrawn as each day passed. Aunt Molly took me more places, thinking if she got me out of the house I’d snap out of my melancholy. We went shopping and to the park and she enrolled me in a ballet class, but nothing she tried took away my sadness.

I felt sorry for her when she’d cry, and say, “I don’t know what else to do, Sarah. I want you to be happy here, but I don’t know how to help you.”

Frank knew, but he didn’t care about anything except his precious, ugly pecker! The hate Ann and the others felt grew stronger each waking moment, but still, every night he’d come to my room, forcing them to make him
feel good
. He didn’t care how his victim felt as long as he got his
happy ending
! 

“I hate fuckin’ men!”

“Aye, we all hate men, Jeannie.”

Seventeen

1960 – California

I was sitting in the living room looking at a new picture book Aunt Molly had given me when two men in dark suits and a woman came to the door. Aunt Molly sent me to my room and told me to close the door. I tried to listen, but they went into the kitchen, so I couldn’t hear a word!

Hours passed before Aunt Molly came for me. She said someone wanted to talk to me and took me into the kitchen. The men in the dark suits were gone, but the woman was sitting at the kitchen table. Looking at me, she smiled and started to cry.

When she asked me to come to her, I stood my ground, looking up at Aunt Molly. 

“Go on, Sarah. Go to her,” Molly said softly. “She has something very important to tell you. I’ll leave you two alone.” Then, without another word Aunt Molly left the kitchen.

I turned to look at the stranger, not knowing what to think. 

“Sarah, please come to me.” The woman held out her hands.

I didn’t know what the stranger wanted, but I didn’t want to get too close. I took only a few steps toward her, but when I got closer, she reached out, pulled me to her, and hugged me tightly.

I thought of pulling away, but I didn’t. Her touch felt good.

“I guess you don’t remember me,” she said, releasing her hold on me.

“No.” I shook my head. “Who are you?”

“Sarah, I’m your mother.”

“No you aren’t!” Eyes wide, I screamed at her. “My mother died in a fire! Daddy told me she didn’t want us and then she died! You can’t be her! You can’t be!”

I tried to run, but she held my hands.

“Yes, Sarah, I
am
your mother. Your daddy didn’t tell the truth, sweetie. He took you away from me, and I’ve been looking for you all this time. Please believe me, Sarah.”

I’d forgotten what Mama looked like, and I knew Daddy had lied to me many times before. Could she really be my mother? Had Daddy lied to me about her not wanting me? About the fire? About her death?

I wanted to believe her so much, I decided, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to listen.

I sat down next to her, and we talked for hours. She told me about my grandparents, and Uncle Henry, a policeman, and that he and the FBI had helped her find me. She said Henry had planned to come for me, but they decided she should come instead. Then she said she
wanted
me to come home to Texas! She
wanted
me to be with her forever! She said she’d missed me and she loved me so much!

“She doesn’t know how bad we are, Ann. If she did, she wouldn’t want us!”

“If we’re careful, Polly, she won’t find out.”

I searched her face for a long time. I tried so hard to remember something about her—her voice, her smile, anything—but I couldn’t remember her.

Not knowing what to do, or say, I asked, “Are you
really
my mother?”

“Yes, baby. I really am.” Again she reached out, pulled me to her, and held me close. Her touch felt tender, and so loving. It felt natural to be held by her.

I decided I didn’t care if she was my mother or not. I felt happier than I’d been in a very long time. I wanted to go with her, but more than that—she
wanted
me!—and she said that today was the happiest day of her life because she’d found her little girl. She promised she’d never let me out of her sight again.

When we finished talking I went to my room to play while Aunt Molly talked to Violet, my mother!

“Violet. Aye, I like that, Annie. It’s a pretty name, for a pretty lady, eh?”

“A very pretty name, Scottie.”

I was afraid
Mama
would leave while I slept, so I didn’t want to go to bed. She tried to assure me she wasn’t going anywhere without me, but still, I felt scared and fought sleep as long as I could.

When I awoke, I jumped out of bed, and ran through the house yelling, “Mama! Mama! Where are you?”

Then, I heard her voice, and I ran through the house until I found her and Aunt Molly in the kitchen, drinking coffee. I ran over to her and threw my arms around her neck, crying, “I thought you left me!”

“Don’t cry, sweetie. That’s something you
never
have to worry about again. I promise you, Sarah, with all my heart, I’ll never leave you.”

I didn’t know why, but I believed her, and I truly felt happy.

The others still didn’t know if Violet really was my mother, but they also felt safe with her and, she’d be taking them away from Frank. They’d started hating Frank that first time he first came into my room smelling of stale liquor.

“I’ll miss Molly, but not Frank or his filthy, fuckin’ pecker
!” Jean affirmed.

Mama stayed at Aunt Molly’s for three days. I packed all my newest clothes and some of my toys hours before we were to leave. My little suitcase bulged so much I had to sit on it to get it closed!

We had tickets for the train late in the afternoon. I was so excited I couldn’t sit still for a minute, and Mama and Aunt Molly kept laughing at me. I’d gone to my room— again—to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything when my door slowly opened. When I turned to see who was there, I was so surprised, I squealed, “Daddy! You’re back! I missed you so much!”

Forgetting all my sadness, I ran to him and threw my arms around his neck. He knelt down, hugged me close, saying, “I missed you too, baby.”

“Daddy, Mama didn’t die in that fire! She’s here! She’s taking me home with her.”

“I know, Sarah. Molly called me. I drove all night to get here in time.” He sat down on the edge of my bed, and pulled me onto his lap. He looked so sad.

“Sarah, I don’t want you to go. Please, stay here with me.”

I was shocked! I stared at him for the longest time when I heard Jean’s angry voice say,
“We haven’t seen you in longer than we can remember, and now you want us to stay with you! You fuckin’ left us!”

I knew Jean was right, and when I felt I could speak, I looked straight into his eyes and said, “I can’t stay, Daddy. Mama wants me to go home with her. Oh, Daddy! Why did you leave me? Why, Daddy?”

“Sarah, I know you don’t understand, but I didn’t want to leave you. All this time, since the night I took you from your grandparent’s house, I’ve been running from the cops. Please, stay with me, Sarah. I love you, baby.” Tears welled in his eyes. 

I’d never seen Daddy cry before, and it broke my heart. I felt torn apart. I cried with him. I loved him so much, but I didn’t trust him anymore, and knowing that, made it feel like my heart was breaking into little pieces. 

“I’m sorry, Daddy. I love you, too, but I can’t stay. I have to go with Mama. Please try to understand. Please, Daddy!” I didn’t want to hurt him, but I saw in his eyes I had, and the tears flowed down my face in a steady stream.

Ann and the others also cried.

Ann spoke for all of them, and I heard her soft voice whisper, “
We all love you, Daddy, but Mama promised she’d never leave us. We know you love us in your own way, but we also stopped trusting in you long ago
.”

Hearing her words, I knew I’d made the right decision—the only decision—even though my heart was breaking.

Daddy stood and looked out my window for a long time before he spoke.

“I do understand, Sarah. I have to go now, but I’ll find you—wherever Violet takes you—I will find you. And someday, Sarah, we’ll be together again.”

Then he turned and walked out.

I ran after him, but he walked too fast for me to catch up before he was out the door and in his car. I stood in the doorway and watched him drive away as tears continued to flow down my face.

My heart ached…I’d hurt him so badly.

I watched until I couldn’t see his car any longer, and I didn’t know why, maybe because I’d found out about all of his lies, but I didn’t believe in Daddy anymore. I didn’t believe I’d ever see him again.

I cried for a long time after he drove out of sight.

I cried for Daddy who I’d worshiped for so many years. And, I cried for myself. I knew one day I’d forget Daddy—just like I’d forgotten Mama and everything else about my life before he took me away. But mostly, I cried because of all the unhappy, bitter memories I was left with. Perhaps, forever.

The others cried too, for all the same reasons, and they cried for Jimmy, our little brother, abandoned with no one to love him or to take care of him…. 

“Ann, I’m glad we could help Sarah, but I guess we have to live with all this forever, too.”

“I’m afraid so, Polly. Many heartbreaking, bitter memories for us all. But, just remember, if we hadn’t been there for Sarah, she would’ve died long ago.”

“What’s gonna happen to us now, Ann?”

“We’ll still be around, Jean. Whenever Sarah needs us to protect her from all the sick-minded men in the world, we’ll be there.  We’ll always be a part of her.”

“Annie, will I always be gay?”

“Yes, Scottie. That’s who you are, and we love you just the way you are….
”

Uncle Frank didn’t want to come with us, so Aunt Molly took Mama and me to the train station, alone. When it was time for us to board the train, Aunt Molly shook hands with Mama, then she gave me a big hug, and she began to cry.

She looked so sad when she told me she’d miss me.

I told her I’d miss her, too, then I started to cry. But my tears weren’t tears of sorrow. Ann had been showing me in dreams what Uncle Frank had done to them, so I was glad to be leaving.

I felt overwhelming happiness; I cried tears of joy. 

Mama held my hand as we boarded the train, and after we were seated, she smiled at me and said, “Sarah, Texas is your home. You know that now, don’t you?”

“I don’t remember home, Mama, but I’m glad I’m going with you.” 

When the train pulled away from the station’s platform and we couldn’t see Aunt Molly any longer, she asked, “Do you remember Judy?”

“No.” I shook my head.

“Judy’s your doll. I found her on your bed when I came home from work. That’s how I knew something had happened to you. You never went anywhere without Judy.”

“I’m sorry, Mama. I don’t remember.” I wanted to tell her I remembered her and the doll, but I couldn’t lie. Lies hurt people, and I didn’t want to hurt her like Daddy had hurt me so many times.

“That’s okay, sweetie. You’ll remember Judy when you see her. I’m sure when we get home you’ll remember everything.”

I didn’t know if she tried to convince me or herself, but I hoped I’d remember everyone she said waited for me back home—all the people she said loved me and missed me and
wanted
me home.

I still felt bad for leaving Daddy, and I couldn’t forget the wretchedness I’d seen in his eyes. He’d cried because of me. All because I cared more for myself than staying with him so he’d be happy.

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” I whispered, knowing the train wheels’ chugging clatter would drown out my voice. I didn’t want to hurt Mama with my thoughts…

“
Wherever you are, we’re all so sorry,
” Ann’s soft, sweet voice finished for me.