Bittner, Rosanne (26 page)

One
thing was certain. Never in a million years would she have done something like
this before the attack. Never in a million years would she borrow money from a
prostitute, offer herself in marriage to a wild heathen like John Hawkins. The
only thing admirable about him was that he would never hide under a bed just
when she needed him most. He would have walked right outside and fought the
Comancheros hand to hand.

John
approached her as she drove up close, and he took hold of the horse that pulled
her buggy. He could see how nervous Tess was, wished she would just let him
hold her and reassure her he wasn't the wild animal she thought him. He'd
thought he had proved that when he'd rescued her, but then he wasn't to be her
husband. This would be a whole different situation. He could hardly believe
what Jenny had told him, for he knew Tess Carey didn't truly give a damn about
him. Still if this was the only way to lay claim to her...

He
reached up to help her down, but she waved him off. "I'm not a weakling
who needs help every time she climbs into or out of a buggy," she told
him.

John
threw up his hands and stepped back. "Pardon me for wanting to help a
woman who's carrying." He watched her stiffen, saw the quick shame in her
eyes. Damn, she could be stubborn. What was he getting himself into? He quickly
made up his mind that no matter what happened between them sexually, this woman
was never going to run his life like some wives did. He was his own man, and he
would stay that way.

"Well?"
she asked, facing him squarely. "Have you made up your mind?"

He
let out a little hiss of exasperation. The woman's defenses were up, that was
sure. "You remind me of a hissing bobcat that's been cornered, its back
arched, the hairs standing up, all poised to pounce if necessary. Why don't you
relax, Tess?"

She
climbed down and walked to stand under the shade of the tree. "That is
impossible. I have asked you to marry me, probably the most ridiculous thing I
have ever done, but I am desperate, as you already know. I weigh one hundred
ten pounds, and you must weigh double that— well, close to it, anyway. You
would be my legal husband. I think you know what I am getting at."

John
snickered, walking over beside her and bracing himself with one hand against
the tree. "Look, I haven't even said yet that I would marry you. But
either way, I'm no rapist, Tess. You damn well already know that. Now why would
I turn around and force my own wife to submit to me? I don't want any woman who
doesn't want me."

Tess
felt she would die of embarrassment at such an intimate discussion. "My
God," she muttered, turning away. "You are a healthy, vital man. I am
not foolish enough to expect you to go without, but I cannot have my husband be
seen sneaking over to Jenny's Place every night." She waited during a
strained pause.

"Let
me get this straight," he finally said. "You want me to marry you,
but you don't love me and you don't intend to allow me into your bed. However,
I am supposed to remain... What's the word for it?"

"Celibate."

"Yeah,
something like that." He grunted a laugh. "Lady, you expect a lot for
nothing. What do I get out of this besides having to go without sex and then
having to support a wife and a child?"

Tess
faced him. "Is that it? You're worried about being paid somehow?"

He
slowly shook his head. "I don't give a damn about being paid. I happen to
love you, Tess Carey. And I wouldn't mind being loved in return. How's that for
surprises?"

The
words knocked some of her defenses away. It sounded different coming from the
man himself. She had not really believed it until now. There was a deep
sincerity in his dark eyes, and she was suddenly at a loss for words.
"I... don't quite know... what to say."

John
sighed and sat down in the grass under the tree. "How about restarting
this conversation and putting aside all your stubborn defenses? How about
helping me understand all of this, like how you can be so sure the baby is
Chino's."

Tess
closed her eyes. Abel. Why had she ever married him? "Believe me, I know.
Abel and I hadn't... Abel was a very passive man."

John
wondered if she had ever experienced true pleasure in a man's bed. God, how
he'd love to show her how it should be. "Why don't you tell me more about
him, your marriage? I have a right to know a little more about you
personally."

Tess
glanced at him, then sat down a few feet away from him, smoothing the skirt of
her blue dress around her. She had dressed simply today, had not wanted John
Hawkins to think she was spiffing up just for him, did not want to look in any
way enticing. He in turn wore his usual denim pants and leather vest, a red
calico shirt. He wore no hat today, but rather had a red bandana tied around
his forehead.

"I
suppose you do have a right to know a few things." She looked down at the
flower design in her skirt "When Abel came to work for my father, he'd
lost his whole family to cholera, parents and siblings. I felt sorry for him.
He was very kind, didn't believe in fighting. I admired that in him. But after
a while... he... was a bit too passive in the marriage itself. We didn't... we
were not often... intimate." She could hardly believe she was telling a
man like John Hawkins such embarrassing details. "He was good in his own
way, but he was a poor husband. We had not... been together that way since my
last... before the attack. The baby can be no one else's but Chino's."

My
God, John thought, how can a man be married to a beautiful, feisty woman like
you and not want to bed her every night? "How long were you married?"

"Two
years." She still looked down at her skirt. "Before we came here,
there was someone else. Les Peters. He owned a hardware store in San Antonio.
He wanted to marry me, but I turned him down to come here with my father. I
realize now Les never truly loved me, wasn't willing to make any sacrifices for
me. Of course, I suppose it was unfair of me to expect him to come with me, but
I knew Father would be happier here, having his own land again. He needed that.
We had always been so close after losing Mother. I was all he had, and I
couldn't bear to let him come here alone." She sighed. "Now I realize
I married Abel out of pity... and living out here where there is little chance
to socialize... I don't know. I guess I thought if I didn't marry Abel, I might
never get married and have a family at all. Now here I am pregnant by—"
She shivered. "Fate can be very cruel."

There
was a long pause in the conversation before John spoke again. "And how do
you feel about that baby in your belly?"

The
question startled Tess. He could be so abrupt with words, right to the point. A
hot flush rushed to her face, and she put a hand to her stomach. "I really
don't know. Right now I cannot imagine loving it. I thought about getting rid
of it, but that goes against my conscience. I thought if I could not find a
husband, I would go to a convent somewhere and have the baby and give it
away."

"And
you need a husband who looks Indian because you figure the baby will be
dark."

She
quietly nodded.

John
sighed, taking a thin cigar from his vest pocket. "Let me explain
something to you," he said. He struck a match and lit the cigar, puffing
on it quietly for a moment, "
I
was that baby once. I was the
product of rape, a bastard child. But my mother, by-God, loved me, because I
was all she had in the world and she realized I was innocent of how I'd been
conceived. Besides that, I had come from her own flesh. You don't carry a baby
inside you for nine months without beginning to feel some kind of attachment,
at least that's the way my mother told it."

He
smoked quietly for a moment, and Tess waited for him to finish.

"I
grew up learning to always have to defend myself against those who called me a
bastard, and I wouldn't wish that kind of life on any kid."

He
leaned back against the tree. "At any rate, I guess part of my meanness is
my own anger from what I went through. It made me determined not to be outdone
or abused in any way again."

He
puffed on the cigar again, stood up and walked a few feet away from her, then
turned to face her. "I figured you'd better know what you're getting
yourself into. In general I am considered a worthless bastard who can't go by
rules and who would kill a man as easy as looking at him. I have no education,
but neither am I stupid. Maybe you could even teach me to read. That could be
part of our bargain."

Tess
felt a sudden glimmer of hope. "Of course."

He
walked over and smashed the cigar against the tree to put it out, then stuck it
back into his vest pocket. "My original point was to tell you I will not
marry a woman who thinks she couldn't love her own baby. That child in your
belly is innocent. He or she deserves to be loved and deserves to grow up with
a father. I always wished I had a real father." He came closer, kneeling
near her. "My deal is this kid is going to believe
I
am his father.
He will never, never know who his real father was or how he... or she... was
conceived. If you're going to marry me to keep this kid from being a bastard,
you're going to let me really
be
a father to him. No matter what happens
between us, you will never let on I'm not the father, and I will always be
allowed to
be
a father. Agreed?"

Tess
was surprised he truly cared. "I... yes. But are you... are you
ready
to
be a father?"

"Hell,
no! I never figured I'd
ever
be
one. The farthest I ever got
picturing such a thing was getting some Mexican girl or Indian girl pregnant
and having to marry her because of it. I never figured on marrying someone like
you, which brings us to more problems. Nobody is going to accept this, you
know. They're going to think you're nuts."

Tess
looked him over, raw power, mostly untamed, wild as the wind. "I probably
am." She looked away. "I have already hinted that I might remarry
soon. Let them think I
am
nuts. I was abducted by Comancheros. They will
probably think it affected my mind, and they're probably right. But at least I
will be legally married, and when I start showing, they won't think so much
about it."

"Why
don't you just leave El Paso, go someplace else, and tell people the baby is
your dead husband's?"

"Because
you know that dark prevails. This child is about ninety-five percent sure to
look Indian."

"Another
problem is how we will live,
where
we will live. We have to live
together, you know. And a Texas Ranger makes hardly enough to support himself,
let alone a family."

She
met his gaze again. "Didn't Jenny tell you I will open my own seamstress
business? On your time off, you could go out to my land and begin rebuilding.
As we can afford it, we will buy cattle, lumber, build a house there. Gradually
you could settle there with me. Have you ever gone out and caught wild
horses?"

"Does
the sun rise every morning?"

She
rolled her eyes at her own stupid question. "Well, you can begin building
a herd. Put up a fence. Get into ranching. I would think that would fit you,
working outdoors, raising horses and such."

John
shook his head. "I've never been that domesticated in my life."

She
faced him. "You said you worked on a ranch once. You must know all you
need to know."

He
shrugged. "True. I'm just saying... you're expecting me to settle, live
like a normal husband and father, stay in one place."

"Can
you do it? Don't you want to settle someday, have a home and a family? Those
are things you never had. Wouldn't you like to have them? You just said you'd
be a real father to my baby. That means living a normal family life."

John
leaned closer, grasping her arms. "Do you intend for this to be for
good?"

His
touch sent shivers through her in spite of the hot day, and she could not be
sure if it was from fear or desire. "I do not take wedding vows
lightly," she answered.

"You
haven't said a thing about what I told you earlier... that I already love
you."

Why
was it so hard for her to admit she needed to be held? She dropped her gaze,
staring at his vest. "I am... surprised. You hardly know me."

"I
know enough. I'm not a man for a lot of fancy words, so that's all I'll say.
You've already made me spill my guts to you. That has to mean something. And
something tells me there's a whole different woman inside you that you've never
let go of. Abel Carey couldn't find her, and neither could that Les Peters, and
as far as I'm concerned, they were both fools.
I
intend to find her and
show her how a woman ought to be loved."

Tess
pulled away and stood up. "I've told you how it must be. As far as the
living arrangements you mentioned, we'll... I suppose we'll have to stay in one
hotel room together... for looks. As soon as my house is built, we'll live
there. Eventually we will rebuild at my farm, and you can start a ranch, make a
living doing something that is your own. You would have to quit the
Rangers."