Bittner, Rosanne (31 page)

She
looked away. He'd been inside of her. That changed everything between them. He
had the advantage now. He could honestly say she had practically begged him to
make love to her. That made her angry... not with John, but with herself. She
didn't know her own mind anymore, didn't know who Tess Carey... Hawkins...
really was. "How can I sleep?"

He
sighed and removed his hat, hanging it on a hook. He threw a wadded-up towel in
a corner and removed his gun belt. "You'd better try. You're carrying. You
need to take care of yourself."

She
turned on her side, saying nothing, listened to the sounds of him undressing,
other noises that told her he was making up a bed on the floor. "You don't
have to do that. You have a right to sleep in this bed."

There
was a moment of silence.

"I
guess you still don't understand how I feel about you. I thought you did."

"What
do you mean?"

"I
mean I can't sleep in that bed without wanting you again, plain and simple.
I'll take the floor."

She
waited. It would all be so much easier if she had fallen in love with him
first, if they could have had a normal courtship, if he wasn't so
"Indian," so wild, so different from any man she'd ever known. It
would all be so different if she knew for certain she loved him, not just that
she loved certain things about him, his chivalry, his courage, his willingness
to be a father to her baby. She wanted to love him completely, every fiber of
him, with joy and utter devotion. She didn't want to let him make love to her
simply because it was the most wonderful thing she'd ever experienced or out of
pure curiosity, or because she "owed" it to him. But if that was how
it had to be for now, then that was how it had to be.

"It's
all right. You can sleep in the bed," she repeated. "Don't make me
say it any more plainly than that."

She
heard a long sigh, followed by a bitter laugh. "Won't work, Tess. I told
you how it will be next time. You'll want all of me, my heart, my spirit... all
of me. It won't be some desperate act of allowing me my husbandly needs, or you
just needing me to help you wipe away some other man's horror. And you won't
say you
could
love me. You will know it." She heard his movements,
another long sigh. "Good night, Mrs. Hawkins."

Tess
raised her head to see he was on the floor, turned away from her. She picked up
a pillow, suddenly angry and embarrassed that he had turned her down. She threw
it at him. "Good night, Mr. Hawkins."

The
stress of all the tension from the day, and a mostly sleepless night, caused
Tess to fall into a deep, exhausted sleep toward dawn, so that she was not even
aware her husband was awake, washed, and dressed. She started to wakefulness
when she felt him press her shoulder.

"Wake
up, Tess."

Tess
sat up, confused for a moment until she remembered where she was or that she
was married. She realized a bright sun was shining through the curtains.
"What time is it?"

"Around
eight, last time I looked at my pocket watch. I'm heading out."

"What!"

"I've
got to get going. Ken and I got orders yesterday morning from Captain Booth to
head out today for Indian Territory."

"Indian
Territory! That's five or six hundred miles away!"

"We've
gone that far before. They're having a lot of trouble up in the north central
plains, mostly Indians coming south to raid and steal from settlements in
northern Texas. They need more Rangers to help put a stop to it."

"But..."
Tess put a hand to hair, realizing she must look a mess. "You'll be gone
for weeks!"

"That's
right." He strapped on his gun belt.

"Why
didn't you tell me about this yesterday!"

"You
had enough to think about. I didn't want it to interfere with more important
things."

"More
important things?" Tess got up from bed and walked to where her robe hung
on a coat stand. She pulled it on. "This is entirely unfair of you. Not
only do you not tell me about this, but you don't even wake me in time to bid
you a decent goodbye! We could at least have gone to have breakfast somewhere.
I can't even walk outside with you.

"It's
all right." He finished packing his gear. "People will just think my
wife is too worn out from her wedding night to get up this early."

Tess
rolled her eyes at his sarcasm. "Please don't be this way."

"What
way?"

She
rubbed at her eyes. "Angry. I don't want you to leave angry."

John
put on his hat and threw his saddlebags over his shoulder, facing her.
"I'm not angry." He walked closer, touching her cheek with the back
of his hand. "You have plenty of time to think about us, Tess. I hope last
night helped you see how it can be between us."

She
dropped her eyes, still surprised with herself for her behavior.

"It
wasn't wrong, so quit acting like it was. The only wrong thing about it was you
still don't love the real John Hawkins. The next time I bed you, it will
because you love me the way a real wife loves her husband."

"I
don't want you to go."

"It's
best I
am
gone for a while. We both know it. You're a strong woman, Tess
Hawkins. I figure I'll come back to find you doing just fine on your own. And
by then maybe you'll be healed from your experience with the Comancheros."
He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I've made arrangements at the bank.
You have full access to my money. So now I have made you my wife in every legal
way. The only thing I still don't own is your heart. Maybe you'll be more ready
to give that when I get back."

Tess
could not help the tears. "I'm sorry."

"For
what? For giving me the most pleasure I've ever had with a woman? For letting
me call the prettiest woman in Texas my wife?" He squeezed her shoulder
and turned to pick up his bedroll and a canvas duster and a rifle. "Don't
be sorry for anything, Tess. I'll see you in two or three months."

Months!
There was so much she should have said. "My God, this isn't right. What if
something happens to you?"

He
opened the door and faced her. "If something happens to me, use the rest
of my money however you need it." He turned and left, and Tess went to the
door, watched him go down the stairs. She ran to a window then, looked down on
the street below. Ken was there with the horses. John tied on his gear and
mounted up, shoving his rifle into its boot. Tess thought how she loved that
golden horse he rode. He glanced up at the window and tipped his hat, turned
his horse, and rode off with Ken.

Tess
watched until she couldn't see him anymore. She let the tears come then.
"I do love you, John," she sobbed. "I do."

"You
gonna talk about it?"

"No."

Ken
shrugged. "Fine. Just don't be in no sour mood this whole trip. We've been
on the trail for six days, rode the train for three before that, and you've
hardly spoke the whole time. It ain't no fun ridin' with you when you're in a
sour mood. Sometimes it's bad enough when you're in a
good
mood."

John
waited several minutes before speaking again. "I'm not in a sour mood. I
just have a lot to think about."

"Like
wishin' you was back in El Paso with your new wife. The weddin' night must have
been better than you thought it would be."

"My
wedding
night is none of your business."

"It
is if it affects you so's you do somethin' stupid and careless when we're on
the tail of a bunch of thievin' Indians."

"It
won't affect my work."

Ken
adjusted his hat. "I just don't want to have to go back and tell your wife
she's a widow again. That woman has been through enough." He buttoned his
denim jacket a little higher. "This is pretty cool weather compared to
what we've been havin'."

"It's
always cooler on the high plains." She was so far away now. So far away.
Had he actually married Tess Carey? Actually bedded her? The whole thing seemed
like a mystic dream. How would she feel about him when he got back? Would she
let him make love to her again? He would have done so again that night, but he
wanted to hear her say she loved him with true passion and sincerity; and he
wanted to be able to wake up with her the next morning, every morning after
that for a while, spend lots of time with her. But he wanted that only when she
was truly ready for it, truly ready to love again. He never thought leaving
would be this hard, that he would miss her this much.

"Well,
it's gettin' on September, too. Pretty soon it will cool down some back in El
Paso. As for as that wife of yours, she's a tough cookie. She'll do just fine
while you're gone."

"I
suppose." John glanced sidelong at his friend. "To solve that damn
nagging question I know is in the back of your mind, yes, she's my wife in
every way, legally and physically. That's all I'm going to say about it."

Ken
raised his eyebrows. "Well, I ain't surprised. She cares more about you
than most people suspect. And you ain't exactly the ugliest thing that ever
walked."

"It
didn't have anything to do with my looks or..." John threw the stub of his
cigar into the dirt. "I said I didn't want to talk about it. From now on,
for the rest of this trip, the subject is closed, understood?"

Ken
nodded. "Fine. At least talk to me about other things. It's a bitch ridin'
all this way with a man who's so lost in thought he don't talk at all."

John
drew his horse to a halt. "All right. Do you still think Jim Caldwell
could be involved with some of the cattle rustling back home?"

Ken
frowned, turning his horse a little to face John more squarely. "I don't
think I ever said that's what I thought. All's I said was it seemed strange to
me the way he is always after your ass, the way he was all upset about
Briggs."

"That's
the same as saying you think he was
involved
with Briggs."

Ken
grinned with a hint of sarcasm. "Well, if you hadn't gone and blown Briggs
clear into the next county, maybe we could have found out, couldn't we?"

John
sighed. "All right. When we get back home I promise to try to leave a few
of those we go after alive. And you're right. There is nobody left to
question."

"There
will be if the rustlin' starts up again. If Caldwell is into somethin' like
that, he'll start again."

John
nodded. "I'm going to find out, Ken. Before I quit the Rangers, I'm going
to prove Jim Caldwell is a liar and a thief."

"Well,
you just be careful about that. For one thing, it ain't part of our mission.
You're on a personal vendetta that could get you booted out of the Rangers, let
alone goin' up against somebody like Caldwell. You gotta have some pretty damn
good proof for somethin' like that."

"I'll
get it." John started riding again. "And I'll do it on my own. I
don't want you involved, since it won't be official Ranger business."

"Where
you're concerned, I'm always involved."

John
grinned. "You're a good friend, but you stay out of this one."

"No
promises."

"We'll
leave it at that. Right now we have our work cut out for us here. Anyway, if
there is going to be any more rustling done, it probably won't be till spring,
but I intend to check out some of Caldwell's herds when we get back, study some
of the brands and see if they've been altered."

"Yeah,
well, you just watch your back if you're gonna' mess with Caldwell."

"That's
why I want you to stay out of it."

Ken
pulled his hat farther down on his forehead as a stiff wind began to turn even
cooler. "You just remember you're a husband now, and you'll be a father
soon enough. Don't go gettin' yourself killed now of all times."

John
looked over at him and grinned. "You know I'm too mean to die." He
kicked Sundance into a harder run. "Let's get up to the Red River and get
this job over with."

His
last words were lost as he charged ahead of Ken. "Too mean to die, that's
a fact," Ken muttered. "Maybe Tess Hawkins can take some of that
meanness out of you." He had a feeling that whatever had happened on
Hawk's wedding night, it had for the time being only made him meaner.