Bizarre History (3 page)

He married and divorced five women during his short reign, yet he also had time for his chariot driver Hierocles, whom he called his husband.

Needless to say, Heliogabalus was assassinated at the age of eighteen and was erased from all public records. He is remembered today for his “unspeakably disgusting life.”

Edward Hyde, Viscount Cornbury, third Earl of Clarendon, (1661–1723), had a lot of names as well as a lot of peculiar habits. According to him, all he was trying to do was perform his job as provincial governor of New York and New Jersey. However, he was recalled to England in 1708. Why? His political enemies sent letters back to England that described Cornbury’s shortcomings. Was he an inept leader? Yes. Corrupt? A tad. However, the letters reported something else entirely. One stated that Cornbury had an “unfortunate custom of dressing himself in Womens Cloaths and of exposing himself in that Garb upon the Ramparts to the view of the public.” He would also sometimes lurk “behind trees to pounce, shrieking with laughter, on his victims.” Cornbury also supposedly opened the 1702 New York Assembly clad in a hooped gown with an elaborate headdress and fan—much in the style of Queen Anne. His reply when people remarked upon his attire? “You are all very stupid people not to see the propriety of it all. In this place and occasion, I represent a woman the Queen, and in all respects I ought to represent her as faithfully as I can.” A few twenty-first century historians now question whether Cornbury really dressed this way; however, there is a portrait of him in a dress hanging at the New York Historical Society.

While extramarital affairs seem to be part and parcel of being a leader, John F. Kennedy’s dalliances deserve a special place in history—especially since biographers are still playing the “did he or didn’t he and how often” game. Here’s the latest tally: Marilyn Monroe? Yes, but not as much as we think. Judy Campbell, reputed girlfriend of Mafia boss Sam Giancana? Big, scary yes. Jayne Mansfield? Yes. Angie Dickinson? Most likely, though she’s been coy about it. Mimi Beardsley, nineteen-year-old White House intern (hmm … sounds familiar)? Yup. How about his wife’s appointment secretary? Of course. Two press aides (at the same time)? Why not?! Ellen Rometsch, prostitute and probable East German spy? Yes—
gulp.

Not one to let an international crisis get in the way of a good time (see previous sentence), Kennedy had time for some flirting during the Cuban Missile Crisis. While Kennedy was in the Oval Office with his Chiefs of Staff and Cabinet members nervously awaiting a response from Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev, a woman walked in with some files. Kennedy stopped what he was doing to check her out. As she left the office, Kennedy turned to Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara and asked who she was. McNamara answered, “She’s filling in today.” Kennedy promptly asked him for her name and phone number.

Some researchers contend that Kennedy’s sexual appetite may have been caused in part by the drug he was taking for Addison’s disease, which listed among its side effects “increased virility.”

Kennedy even described what it was like for him to England’s Prime Minister Harold Macmillan: “If I don’t have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches.”

Even though George Washington was a fine general and a highly regarded president, he still had his detractors. It was rumored that he had an illegitimate son, that Alexander Hamilton was his illegitimate son, that he had a British spy mistress, and that he had a romantic relationship with a young women whom he liked to call “pretty little Kate, the washer-woman’s daughter.” A man named George Washington Bowen even claimed to be the son of the father of our country and a prostitute. He wasn’t.

Richard Johnson was a hero in the War of 1812, a congressman (1804–1819), and a senator (1819–1829) representing Kentucky. He was also Martin Van Buren’s vice president (1837–1841), and unlike other politicians of the day, he had no problem letting folks know that he was in a romantic relationship with one of his slaves. In fact, he considered Julia Chinn, a light-skinned slave he inherited from his father, his common-law wife. Now, before you begin thinking of Johnson as a brave man who followed the laws of love above the laws of the land (it was illegal for a white person to marry a black person back then), read on. When Chinn died in 1833 of cholera, Johnson took up with another of his slaves. When she left him and ran off with another man, Johnson hired someone to capture her, and then he promptly sold her at auction. Oh, we’re not done. Then he began a relationship with the newly sold slave’s sister.

SIDE NOTE:
Johnson had what is perhaps the worst campaign slogan of all time. While running for vice president, he campaigned with this nugget: “Rumpsey Dumpsey, Rumpsey Dumpsey, Colonel Johnson killed Tecumseh.” (He supposedly killed the Shawnee chief during the War of 1812.)

The Mongol Emperor Genghis Khan (1162–1227) once said, “The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp their wives and daughters in his arms.” Well, according to a study in an article called “The Genetic Legacy of the Mongols,” Khan took his “clasping” seriously. The article states that nearly 16 million men living today in Asia carry Khan’s Y-chromosome, which means about 0.5 percent of the male population of the world is descended from Genghis Khan or his brothers.

Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus was Roman Emperor from 54–68 CE and was known for his many tyrannical acts. However, he is probably best remembered for something he didn’t do: sing and play his lyre while Rome burned. In fact, he was out of town at the time, but returned upon hearing the news and personally took part in search and rescue operations. He also opened his palaces for the homeless and made sure survivors had provisions. Not bad for a guy who killed his mother and stepbrother, threw the requisite orgies, and started the whole Roman leader fad of persecuting Christians. He blamed them for the fire (deflecting the blame that was being placed on him) and, in the words of the ancient historian Tacitus, “covered with the skins of beasts, they were torn by dogs and perished, or were nailed to crosses, or were doomed to the flames and burnt, to serve as a nightly illumination when daylight had expired.”

Oh, but that’s not all! What did Nero do with the area that had been destroyed by the fire? He built a gigantic palatial estate for himself. Named
Domus Aurea,
or Golden House, this one to three hundred–acre complex featured a pool the size of a lake, buildings shaped like cities, ceilings that rained perfume and flowers on guests, and a 120-foot statue of the man himself. Upon its completion, Nero supposedly said, “Good, now I can at last begin to live like a human being.”

Perhaps worst of all, Nero fancied himself an actor and singer. He gave public performances in which no one was allowed to leave until he was finished. Another ancient historian, Suetonius, wrote that pregnant women who went into labor had to give birth during his recitals and that men pretended to die so they could be carried out.

America’s Founding Fathers were the leaders who in words and deeds fought to create the United States of America. They signed the Declaration of Independence, fought in the Revolutionary War, and framed the Constitution. Today, they are revered as manly heroes with bad teeth who walked around wearing stockings and wigs. But, like the rest of the leaders in this chapter, they, too, acted badly.

THE GOOD:
First US secretary of the treasury, aide-de-camp to George Washington during the Revolutionary War, and author of the
Federalist Papers.

THE BAD:
Became embroiled in a love affair with Maria Reynolds. Reynolds’s husband blackmailed Hamilton during the affair, even trying to secure a job in government from Hamilton. Hamilton published a detailed confession of his affair (too much information, Alex!) that shocked his constituents and his wife and damaged his reputation.

THE UGLY:
Fought a duel with Aaron Burr and died.

THE GOOD:
First president of the United States.

THE BAD:
As a young man, wrote several love letters to a married woman. Did anything physical happen between the two? Nobody knows for sure.

THE UGLY:
He never chopped down a cherry tree and he didn’t have wooden teeth. (His falsies were carved from hippopotamus and elephant ivory.)

THE GOOD:
Author of the Declaration of Independence, third president of the United States, and overall Renaissance man.

THE BAD:
First president to propose the idea of a formal Native American removal plan. He also, according to historian Richard Morris, “detested intellectual women.” While giving a free pass to Abigail Adams, Jefferson was annoyed by “the political chatter of women in Parisian salons,” and wrote, “The appointment of a woman to office is an innovation for which the public is not prepared, nor am I.”

THE UGLY:
While officially against slavery and the slave trade, he not only kept slaves and most likely fathered children with one of them, but he also believed blacks were inferior to whites “in the endowments both of body and mind.”

THE GOOD:
Scientist, author, inventor, and US ambassador to France.

THE BAD:
Womanizer and father to an illegitimate son who remained loyal to the British during the Revolutionary War.

THE WEIRD:
Threw parties where guests had to drink from glasses wired to batteries. They’d get a shock after each sip. He’d also electrocute turkeys to the amazement of his guests and then feed it to them.

THE GOOD:
First vice president, second president, delegate to the Continental Congress, and good ol’ Puritan at heart.

THE BAD:
Signed the Aliens and Sedition Acts, which allowed the president to deport any foreigner he thought dangerous to the country and made it a crime to publish “false, scandalous, and malicious writing” against the government.

THE UGLY:
Called “the crankiest Founding Father” by historian Jack D. Warren, Adams was a hater who had a gripe with just about everyone. Called Benjamin Franklin “the old conjurer” and fought with him throughout their lives. He believed Washington didn’t deserve the adoration he received and that Washington’s greatest talents were his looks, graceful movements, and his gift of silence.

Tokugawa Tsunayoshi (1646–1709) was the fifth shogun of the Tokugawa dynasty of Japan. He was known as a religious man and a very strict ruler. And he liked dogs. Born in the Year of the Dog, he felt canines should be treated well. In a series of edicts on “Compassion for Living Things,” Tsunayoshi commanded his people to protect dogs at all costs. Under these edicts, if you injured, killed, or even ignored a dog, you could be put to death or be forced to commit suicide.

At one point, three hundred people were put to death in one month for failing to live up to the edicts, and anywhere from sixty thousand to two hundred thousand people were killed or exiled during Tsunayoshi’s reign for violations. Soon the city became so overrun with dogs that Tsunayoshi had fifty thousand dogs sent out from the city to live in special kennels where they were fed rice and fish each day—all at taxpayers’

Ibrahim I was Sultan of the Ottoman Empire from 1640–1648. In the short time he ruled, he nearly single-handedly destroyed it all. He supposedly suffered from stress, though his obsession with extremely obese women may have relieved some of it. He sent his attendants out to find the largest woman possible. They returned with a 330-pound woman from either Armenia or Georgia. Ibrahim named her “Sheker Pare” (piece of sugar), gave her a government pension, and made her Governor General of Damascus. He supposedly drowned all 280 women in his harem after a rumor that another man had slept with some of them. Ibrahim was also seen feeding coins to the fish that lived in the palace’s pool. He was strangled to death in a coup in 1648.

When one thinks of kings and queens, brave deeds, loyal attendants, and dignified ceremonies usually come to mind. None of these were in the cards for William the Conqueror, who suffered a fate worthy of a Monty Python skit. After attacking a French garrison in 1087, the once strong (and now fat) William got thrown off his horse and ruptured his intestines on the metal pommel at the front of his saddle. It took a little while to die, but once he did, things only got worse for the king. First, his attendants ran off after stripping the body of all valuables and removing all the king’s weapons and furniture. Then, during William’s funeral procession, his pallbearers had to drop him to go fight a fire. Finally, the king’s giant body, which had swollen considerably, didn’t fit in the stone sarcophagus reserved for him. The bishops attending the body pushed and squeezed to no avail. Finally, the stomach burst, showering everyone with dead body pieces. Everyone in the church made a run for it.