Bizarre History (5 page)

Thomas Jefferson’s brother Randolph seemed like a nice enough fellow. Thomas clearly loved him and helped him out financially throughout his life. However, while Randolph, like his famous brother, graduated from the College of William and Mary, he evidently did not share his brother’s genius. A former Monticello slave, Isaac Jefferson, recalled in 1847 that Randolph was “one mighty simple man (who) used to come out among black people, play the fiddle, and dance half the night.” Some historians believe it is Randolph and not Thomas who sired children with the slave Sally Hemings.

Sam Houston Johnson was the younger brother of President Lyndon Johnson and, like Billy Carter, lived in his brother’s immense shadow. Sam had a drinking problem, and when he was drinking, he liked talking—to anyone who would listen, particularly the press. Lyndon solved the problem temporarily by forcing his brother to live at the White House so he could keep an eye on him. When returning to the White House (which Sam called “the penitentiary”) after a night of drinking, Sam would look for some cameras, hold his wrists together as if they were cuffed, and yell, “Back to my cell!”

Richard Nixon’s brother Don dreamed of starting a fast-food chain called Nixonburgers. He accordingly accepted and never repaid a $200,000 loan from Howard Hughes. Richard, his paranoid brother, consequently had his brother’s phone tapped.

Neil Bush has the distinction of being an embarrassment to two presidents. As a son of one president and brother to another, Neil brought to the table shady business dealings, liaisons with prostitutes, a savings and loan scandal, several poorly run businesses, and a messy divorce that included allegations of voodoo. The historian Kevin Phillips said in a
Washington Post
story on Neil, “He’s incorrigible. He seems to be crawling through the underbelly of crony capitalism.”

I bet you were wondering when I’d get to this guy. Of all the crazy rulers throughout history, Caligula’s the one who set the bar so high for all the other mentally unstable monarchs, dictators, and presidents out there. Caligula ruled the Roman Empire from 37–41 CE, which isn’t a long time to get your crazy on, but he worked quickly as he took Rome on a wild ride, until his own bodyguards finally had the good sense to assassinate him.

He rose to the throne amidst the usual political maneuvering and bloodletting and was widely hailed at first as “our star.” The ancient historian Philo describes the first seven months of Caligula’s reign as “completely blissful.” He granted bonuses to the troops, recalled political exiles, threw gladiator battles for the populace, and even focused his attention on political reform. Then something happened. Some historians say he had a brain fever. Others argue that Caligula, much like his distant cousin Alexander the Great, suffered from epilepsy, and that after an unusually violent attack, Caligula was a changed man. Here’s an incomplete list of some of the crazy and cruel actions attributed to Caligula:

Accused his father-in-law, Gaius Silanus, and Gemellus, grandson of the previous emperor, of treason and forced them to commit suicide.

Kept his favorite horse, Incitatus, inside the palace in a stable carved out of ivory. He threw parties in the horse’s name and the horse dined with the guests. His attempts to install his horse as a priest and consultant are usually seen today as attempts at humor and mockery.

Had hundreds of ships tied together to make a nearly three-mile temporary floating bridge so he could ride across the Bay of Naples on horseback, which he did for two straight days. Why? Supposedly as a child, a seer said he had no more chance of becoming emperor than of crossing the bay of Baiae on horseback. He showed them!

Announced he was a god and ordered the building of temples and statues in his honor. He sought to force the Jews to worship him and even ordered statues of himself to be placed in the Temple of Jerusalem. (These plans were wisely never carried out.) He was known to dress up as Apollo, Mercury, and even Venus.

Opened a brothel in the imperial palace.

Used spectators as lion bait when the games he was throwing ran out of criminals. Five rows of fans were pulled into the arena and devoured.

Declared war on Poseidon, god of the ocean, and brought back chests full of worthless seashells as booty.