Black Flag (Racing on the Edge) (48 page)

“How are you holding
up?” She whispered with love and concern. The same look everyone was giving me.

“I uh—” I started to
speak but the emotion grew into a painful lump in my throat.

I gave up trying to
answer her and just shrugged, my face fell in my hands that were resting on the
bed.

The truth was, I was
far from holding up. I was an absolute fucking mess. I couldn’t think of
anything but Sway. I couldn’t eat and sleeping was becoming something I only
wished I could do but sadly couldn’t achieve soundly. Every time I closed my
eyes, the video deluged my mind, leaving me miserable. I let this happen to her
and I couldn’t get past that.

Mom was quiet for a few
moments longer, and then bent forward reaching for my hand over Sway’s sleeping
body.

“Jameson,” she began,
tears streamed down her own cheeks now. “I know that you think this is your
fault. I know my son.” She paused until my teary eyes met hers and smiled.
“You’ve always thought it was your responsibility to protect Sway, to protect
your sister, to protect everyone.
Especially with Sway.
But sweetie,
this
, what happened to Sway, is not your fault. You can’t
control what happens to her no more than you can control the outcome of a race.
You can’t protect her from everything and you need to realize that before you
hurt yourself trying.” Her hand rose to sweep my tears away just as she did
when I was a child. “Sway needs you to be there for her, but as her boyfriend
and soon to be husband. She needs you to be a father to your child together.
She does need you, just not as her protector.” Leaning forward, she kissed my
forehead before whispering one last piece of advice.
“Just
think about what I said sweetheart.”

My mom was right and I
understood what she was trying to tell me. The problem was
,
I wasn’t sure I could forget what happened and let go of what I caused.

I drew in a deep breath
once my mom left. My hand reached for Sway as she slept. I finally allowed
myself to think with uncharacteristic optimism at the thought that, together,
we could pull through this okay. It was possible. She was alive. The baby was
alive. That right there was reassuring to me.

I felt her hand twitch
in mine, her fingers gently squeezing.

“Jameson
...
” she breathed, her eyes flickering
open. “You’re back.”

“Yes, honey.” I smiled
weakly. “I’m here.”

“I love you, Jameson,”
she spoke softly, her own tears falling. My hand rose to gently brush them away
with my thumb.

I let out a gasp that
was somewhere in between a gasp and a sob, I truly was a fucking mess still.
Bending forward, I cradled her in my arms as much as I could without hurting
her.

“Please,” she begged
and motioned for me to lie beside her.

I could never deny her
anything so I maneuvered myself carefully in the bed, circling my arms around
her. It was exactly what the two of us needed in that moment. The warmth of her
body, the scent of her, it was everything I needed.

“I love you.” I kissed
her forehead as though I was trying to make that one kiss stay there forever.

Sway’s whimsical witty
side returned. “You better
...
I’m
carrying your son around inside me,” she let out a small sigh. “And I’ll be on
bed rest for the next fourteen weeks. If that’s not love, I don’t know what
is.”

“So you’ll still marry
me?” My eyes searched hers.

She smirked glancing
down at her ring they allowed her to keep on. “I wouldn’t have it any other
way. I refuse to let go of the fairytale.”

16.
        
Blister
– Sway

Blister – Too much heat
can make a tire blister and shed rubber. Most drivers can feel it as vibrations
and risk more damage if they don’t pit.

“Oh god, that’s so
good,”

“You like?”

“So
good!”
I nodded enthusiastically. “You have no idea.”

“All right,” Jameson
shifted away. “I can only take so much here.”

“But it’s so good.”

“Yeah, well, stop it.
I’m dying over here.”

Jameson slipped another
bite inside my mouth. “
Mmmm
,”

“Sway,” he warned once
again as though that was his last warning.

“
Mmmm
,”

“Okay, that’s it.” He
pushed the blueberry pancakes aside and kissed me, long and deep. It was the first
real kiss we’d shared since I’d been here. I wasn’t the only one left
breathless that’s for sure. He groaned pushing his hips against my leg he was
resting against.

He pulled back, his
hand wrapping around my cheek, holding me securely against his face. His eyes
didn’t open right away, he just stayed there breathing heavy, until he sighed
and leaned in to place one
more soft
kiss against my
lips.

“Why did you stop?”

Jameson teased swaying
slightly to the side of my hospital bed where we were laying. “Because, we are
in a hospital and you are not ready for things like that.”

“Yes I am.” I stated
firmly.

“No
...
” His eyes narrowed. “
you’re
not, Sway.”

“Whatever,” I huffed
crossing my one arm over my chest, wincing in pain when I did so because he was
right, I wasn’t ready. I was still incredibly sore. I really had no idea how
painful a broken rib was until now. It was not something I cared to have ever
again. Breathing, talking, farting, it all hurt.

“My point exactly,” He
said tapping his index finger lightly against my nose. “You’re not ready.”

I smiled. “You like
being in control, don’t you?”

He smirked looking away
toward the window. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Good Morning.”
Renata
called opening the door to stick her head inside. “I
brought my favorite girl a treat.” She held a white cup in her hand.
“Decaf white chocolate mocha, right?”

“Did you have something
to do with that?” I smiled toward Jameson.

“Good woo, right?” he
replied winking.

“Yes
...
good at the wooing.” I smiled back sinking
into his warm arms.

“You guys are
adorable.”
Renata
gushed pushing the machine toward
the bed. “So kids, it’s time for the ultrasound.”

I watched as Jameson’s
eyes lit up at the thought of seeing his little spaz again.

He didn’t disappoint.
Our little flailing spaz wiggled around, showed his baby manhood, his baby bum
and even sucked his thumb, which I thought was so cute. Jameson just chuckled.

Renata
was kind enough to let
us just watch him for a good twenty minutes. Judging by his little movements,
he was a spitting image of his father in more ways than one.

Jameson was
entertaining to watch. His eyes focused intently on the baby, asking what parts
were what and smiling more than I’d seen in a long time.

Eventually
Renata
concluded her measurements and exam. Afterwards she
sat down in a chair to speak with us.

“After this last
ultrasound, I’m confident that in another two weeks you can go home, with
restrictions.”
Renata
told us.

“What kind of
restrictions?” Jameson asked, still lying in bed with me.

She smiled at him as
though she was about to deliver our death sentences.

“Well, for one, no
flying and two
...
no sex until after
thirty-two weeks,”

Yep, death sentence for
sure.

“What?” I nearly
screamed. Jameson laughed nervously. “You have to be fucking kidding me?” I
said with wide-eyes. I reserved this look for situations of this nature. The
last time I used it was when Charlie threatened to send me to boarding school
if I didn’t remove my nipple ring I’d gotten in Mexico was I was sixteen.

Renata
found my reaction
entertaining.

“No, sorry, not
kidding. Since you’ve started dilating it’s best no penetration takes place.”

Jameson coughed
shifting next to me. His expression reminded me of high school health class
when we had to put condoms on banana’s and I ripped his condom off his and ate
his banana in front of the class.

“So that means we can
do other things, just no actual align boring?” I clarified.

“Sway!”
Jameson blurted out,
shifting again.

I don’t know why he’s
so shocked. I know Jameson was thinking the same thing.

“Exactly,”
Renata
giggled at Jameson’s reaction. “You can do
other
things.” She winked at us. “Just no penetration,”

“Well
...
that’s a relief.” I locked eyes with
Jameson. “Just no
penetration
,”

“Stop saying that
word.”

“When you are ready to
go home, have you thought of where you will be staying?”
Renata
interrupted. “I know you said your regular obstetrician is in Elma, right?”

“Yes, Dr. Sears is in
Elma Washington. I figured I would have to go back there
...
” I glanced at Jameson, he flashed me a
smile. “But I can’t fly?”

“I’d prefer you didn’t
fly.”

“Well
...
that’s going to be tough.” I was
defeated.

No flying and no
penetration? They might as well lock me up.

The thought of a road
trip across country was not appealing to me seeing how Jameson wouldn’t be able
to accompany me. He had to fly out tomorrow morning for Dover, then Kansas. By
the time my two weeks were up, he’d be flying to Fontana again and then
straight to Martinsville. His schedule was crazy right now with the last nine
races of the series. We didn’t have time for this, but there I was in bed,
recovering. Bed rest was inconvenient as hell right now.

Once
Renata
left, Jameson and I spoke for a few minutes about
the baby but I could tell his attention was elsewhere. His phone had been
buzzing all morning but he’d yet to answer it. I knew real life was waiting for
him.

“What happened?” I
asked softly, my face resting against his chest. They finally took my bandage
off my head but the stitches couldn’t be removed for another two weeks. The
cast on my arm had to stay on for another four weeks after that, which sucked.

“Sway
...
honey, it is really
hard
for me
to talk about it,” he breathed against my forehead. We still hadn’t talked
about anything that happened. Even last night after the race, he didn’t want to
talk, just held me all night. Which was fine but eventually, we would need to
talk about it before it blistered into something much worse.

“I know
...
it’s just
...
no one will actually tell me what happened and I don’t
remember anything. The only thing I remember is walking into the stairwell,
after that, everything is a blank until I woke up here.”

Jameson didn’t say
anything but I felt his heart beating rapidly.

“The police said he
tried to—”

His hand came up and
silenced my lips, shaking his head he spoke slowly with a sharp edge to his
tone that I’d never heard before. “Don’t say that word
...
please
, for the sake of my fucking sanity,
don’t say it.”

“Did he?” I asked
point-blank.

“He tried but Emma
walked in,” his eyes got that glazed over formidable look they’ve had since he
came back from the race yesterday. “I saw the surveillance video.”

“You
what?”
I asked alarmed trying to sit up.

He took a quick deep
breath running his hands through his hair and then down his jaw. “Gordon showed
me the video yesterday before the race.”

“Jesus
...
what did you do? Why don’t the police
have it?”

“They do have it.” I
sensed him shutting down. “Listen, can we not talk about this right now?”

“Sure.” I muttered
sourly my gaze found the window.

I was irritated that no
one would tell me what happened. I just wanted to know. What’s wrong with that?

Jameson’s hand moved
from his hair to touch my cheek, turning me to look at him again. His eyes focused
intently on mine for a moment. “I’m sorry
...
I
just, it’s hard for
me
.” he choked, his eyes glistened
tipping his head, his eyes squeezed shut. “I
...
can’t
explain what I felt in that moment. It was like seeing my own personal
nightmare come true
...
and then re-living it,
over
and
over
again. It’s all I see right now. I can’t stop
...
the images.”