The next morning Craig slept late but I was up with the sun. I knew where I was going now. The walk wasn’t too long and it wasn’t too hot yet. My scalp and arms and face were sore from yesterday’s sunshine but the throb and itch simply reminded me that I was still alive. Craig had given me some cream to rub in and that had soothed my skin as I’d slept. I felt almost good.
Before I left forever there were still some things I needed to do. The village had grown too small for me, the memories too large, and I wanted something else now. I might find a doctor or go back to college and study something I was interested in. Craig’s plans had inspired my own; if he could go to uni then so could I. Craig didn’t look at me like I was a monster and nor had Archie; I’d been wondering if maybe one day I’d find someone who might love me in spite of my face. Life could begin all over again if you were lucky enough, and I had decided to be lucky. But before any of that future could happen I had to make one last effort to find Hephzi.
A simple headstone marked Hephzibah’s grave and the grass had grown new and wild over the fresh soil. I read
just her name and our birthday and then the day she’d died. There were no special words. I unclasped her silver chain from round my neck and crouched in the dewy grass. The wet fronds tickled my calves as I made a hole in the damp soil with my fingers; a light summer rain had fallen overnight and the air smelled as if someone had scrubbed it clean. With dirt under my nails, I held her necklace to my lips, kissed it and whispered a message before burying it as deep as it would go.
‘Hephz, are you there?’ I whispered into the earth. There was no response. I stretched myself out on the ground beside her, and called again.
‘Hephzibah, it’s Rebecca. I’m here to say goodbye. Please talk to me, don’t be angry that I’m leaving, will you?’
Still she was quiet.
‘I’ve come to tell you I’m sorry. I know I should have saved you. If I’d been braver. If I’d called for the ambulance sooner. I’m sorry. I love you, Hephz.’
The birds called and sang in the trees, and the wind pulled my hair gently. I waited a little longer, every cell alive with anticipation.
Hephzi was there. Of course she was. She’d been there all the time. In the wind on my skin and the sun in my face, in the quick shot of stars I’d seen from my hospital bed, in the dark of my shadow and the stretch of my stride as I’d run from the vicarage, finally breaking free. As I lay in the sun beside her I felt the wings of her beauty
lift me and, as I felt them beat with hope, I knew I could go on. Hephzibah was elsewhere, but also in me.
Craig was up when I got back to his house and he made us breakfast together again. He was quiet and I knew he was brooding over everything I’d told him. I was sorry he’d had to hear all those awful things about Hephzi’s life and I told him so.
‘It’s OK. I wanted to know.’ He looked up at me and I saw the fire in his eyes and realized he still wanted revenge. But I’d seen enough blood to last me forever and there was no way I was going to spill any more. He was right in a way though; there were still some things left undone.
I thought of Auntie Melissa. She’d promised she’d help. I didn’t need her to save me now, but I did want her story. I asked Craig if I could use the phone and swallowed my pride and bitter dislike.
She was startled to hear from me, that much was obvious, and for a second I wondered if her profession of interest had all been a sham.
‘Are you OK, Rebecca?’
‘Yes. Thank you.’
‘How can I help? Are you still living with your friends?’
‘No, I left.’
‘Oh.’
‘It’s OK, it’s just their place was small, I’d been there a few months.’
‘I see. So where are you now?’
‘At Hephzi’s boyfriend’s. I can’t stay long though.’
Neither of us spoke for a while and I tried to imagine what she was doing. Was she pulling panicked faces at Uncle Simon, or screwing her forehead up in worry? Did she want me or not?
‘Shall I come and see you? See if I can help?’ she finally offered.
‘OK, if you like.’
‘All right. Give me the address. It won’t be until tomorrow though. Is that all right?’
‘Yes. I can stay another night here.’
As I put the phone down I thought of Granny. I could have run straight to her, she’d have taken me in without a second thought. I could have cared for her in her old age, gone to college during the day or studied at home and sat with her in the evenings doing a crossword or watching the telly. It wasn’t fair.
‘So she’s coming, then?’ Craig asked and I nodded and left the room.
Of course I couldn’t sleep that night. Nightmares no longer kept me awake but instead I fretted over Auntie Melissa. I knew what I wanted and that was answers. But I also needed a home and a life and she could give me neither.
I watched TV all morning, still alive, still waiting.
At ten o’clock the doorbell sounded. They were both there, Melissa and Simon. Craig wasn’t up and I opened
the door with my jacket ready. The sun wasn’t so hot today, grey banks of cloud were assembling themselves in the distance, an army establishing its lines of defence. The air was heavy and damp; it smelled like rain.
We walked down the driveway to the car. Simon drove, Melissa twisted in her seat to look at me. Her smile could break as easily as a heart.
‘You OK?’
I nodded.
‘Where should we go?’
‘Away from here.’
Simon nodded and drove steadily out of the village, in the opposite direction to the vicarage. Once we were in town he pulled over and we all got out. I had no idea where we were and I let them lead the way out of the car park and into a cafe. This wasn’t a good place, we should have stayed at Craig’s. Simon went up to the counter and ordered drinks and breakfast. Melissa and I sat facing one another.
‘Thanks for coming,’ I said in the end, because I knew she wanted to cry.
‘I’m sorry it took me so long.’
I tried a small smile.
‘I’m here now though. We’re here. We’ll help any way we can.’
‘OK.’
‘What do you need?’
‘You have to tell me everything.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘On the phone, you said things. You said she never should have married him. What did you mean?’
Melissa hadn’t been expecting that. She looked down, then over to Simon at the counter, then back at her hands and twisted her wedding ring.
‘Oh, it’s old news now, it’s not important.’
‘Just tell me,’ I insisted.
‘I don’t want to upset you, Rebecca.’
‘You won’t. I can take it, whatever it is.’ I understood that Melissa still had no idea of what my life had been. If she thought her words could ever cut me, she was wrong.
‘All right. If that’s what you want.’
‘It is.’
So then came the story of Roderick Kinsman and Maria Detherby. My mother had been eighteen when she’d got involved with the church group. Melissa remembered Roderick coming round to the house and collecting her sister before the services, then walking her home afterwards. Even though he was good looking he was stiff, she said, stiff and unsmiling, always wearing a long heavy coat and a shirt and tie.
‘And those eyes –’ she shuddered – ‘when he looked at me the hair on the back of my neck used to stand up. I always thought there was something really creepy about those eyes.’
I knew what she meant.
Melissa told me that Roderick refused to come in for
tea or hot chocolate and refused to come for Sunday lunch. It was obvious he disapproved of Granny and of Melissa too. Melissa wore make-up and liked the Stone Roses; Maria wore a crucifix and hid her sister’s CDs.
‘Why was she like that?’
‘I don’t know. It might have been because Dad died – our dad, your granddad. She’d been his favourite, he adored her. When he had his stroke it affected us all, but Maria, she took it really badly. She just became obsessed with religion and those meetings. I wouldn’t have minded if it hadn’t been so obvious they were being played for fools. She got money off Mum to give to this guy, their pastor. They had funny ideas, fasting for days at a time and all that laying-on-hands stuff. She reckoned she could speak in tongues. Can you imagine! She wouldn’t see her old friends or go to her old activities. We tried to get her to do other things but she just wasn’t interested.’
‘So what happened next, then?’
‘Well. Your mother’s always had a bit of an impetuous streak. Maybe like Hephzi.’
She smiled but I did not smile back. The Mother and Hephzi were nothing alike. I stopped myself from asking what the hell she knew about my sister but Melissa realized her mistake.
‘Sorry, no, I don’t mean that, really. But she was strong-willed and stubborn. When Roderick proposed she said yes straight away; even though your gran told her to go to university first and find herself a good career she wouldn’t
hear of it. Roderick was still studying too, only just in the third year of his course at university.’
She leant towards me, as if she were telling me something important. ‘Your mother isn’t stupid, you know, Rebecca, she did well at school, she could have made a decent living without him.’
‘So you couldn’t stop her?’
‘No. But we went to the wedding, even though the night before she and your gran had an awful row. She warned her about Roderick, she’d sensed it somehow.’
‘He hated Granny.’
‘I know.’
‘It’s his fault she died.’ I couldn’t stop myself from saying it, although I knew that Melissa wouldn’t understand.
‘What d’you mean? Mum fell down the stairs, you know; she had a heart attack and no one found her in time to help. She never would wear one of those emergency tags, the silly old thing.’
‘If it hadn’t been for him she’d have still been alive, I know it.’
‘Maybe. That doesn’t matter, it’s past now.’
Melissa understood nothing. She was stupid and dull, I thought, and I regretted starting this conversation; it would be hours before I found out anything important at the rate she told a story. Sensing my frustration she started up again. Simon joined us with the drinks. I sipped my tea and listened.
‘It was after they were married that she found out she
was pregnant. She came running back to us, weeping and wailing. Of course they’d not slept together before the wedding – God forbid that Roderick’s wife might not be a virgin! But, like I said, Maria was a bit naughty. She did what she liked despite the religion, or maybe because of it, and she told us that Roderick was not the father, couldn’t possibly be because she was three months gone. She was so slim she was barely starting to show but she knew she’d have to tell him soon.’
More secret babies
, I thought,
but this time it’s me and Hephz.
If Melissa had expected her story to shock or to hurt, it did neither. I found myself merely curious.
‘Who was the father, then?’
‘Your father was Roderick and Maria’s pastor, the leader of the funny church group they’d got themselves involved with. Roderick hit the roof when he realized that Maria had been sleeping with him behind his back. He was still studying for his degree and they were living like paupers in his student digs. He wouldn’t take a penny from your gran, even when he found out Maria was expecting. Your gran was desperate to help, she worried all the time what would become of them. He was training to be in the Church, well, you know that, of course, and I’ve no idea why he was mixed up with that other funny bunch in the first place. I’ve nothing against the Church. Me and Simon were married in one, after all!’
I looked at her. She’d said that as if I should remember. I shrugged.
‘We did invite you. You were only tiny tots, but I asked for you to be bridesmaids. I thought it would be sweet.’
Hephzi would have loved that. I shook the picture of her in a pink satin dress holding a posy of flowers out of my mind.
‘Why didn’t he abandon her? Abandon us? It would have been better for everyone.’ I was frustrated at the thought of another life, surely one less thwarted for Roderick 0Kinsman’s absence. I thrust the idea of it away.
Get real
, I told myself.
‘You’re probably right but that’s not Roderick, is it? He likes to play the burning martyr, and the pastor came on heavy, I think, he talked about scandal and what a disgrace it would be for all involved. I think he intimated that he could ruin Roderick’s chances in the Church full stop. On top of that this bloke, your real dad, was already married and it would have destroyed his career. Roderick understood that. He was terribly angry but your mother thought he’d get over it as time went on.’
That was it, of course. Appearances had to be maintained at all costs, the mask could never slip. And The Father had loved owning the opportunity to punish The Mother for the rest of her days, and us too. All my life I’d been paying with my body and my spirit for her sordid little affair.
‘But then you were born …’ Melissa didn’t finish her sentence but I heard what she couldn’t bring herself to say. When I was born he couldn’t bear it; bringing up
another man’s children was bad enough, but one that looked like me, well, that was just insult on top of injury.
‘So that’s the story, then. That’s all it is?’
‘Yes, that’s all.’
It wasn’t quite. She hadn’t explained why she’d left us there when she could have tried to help. Granny had tried, but where had Auntie Melissa been? Simon shifted awkwardly in his seat. The silence held its questions. I stared from one to another.
‘Didn’t you care? Didn’t you mind that we were there with them? Didn’t you see what was going on?’
My voice was small with sorrow. Melissa pushed her chair back, it squealed on the cafe floor, and she ran to the toilets, hiding her face.
I held Simon’s gaze.
‘She cares, Rebecca. She does. Especially because we won’t have kids of our own now. I told her there’s only a tiny chance that we’d have a baby with, you know, well …’
He nodded towards me as if to illustrate his point, then looked away, behind him, over to the loos, where Melissa had gone. ‘Anyway, I said we could get tested – you can get these genetic tests now, you know, and I’ve told her that I don’t mind paying, if it puts her mind at rest, but she won’t even talk about it. Because we knew about you, she, well, we, decided it was for the best that we didn’t risk it.’