‘Oh.’
‘You can stay the night if you like.’ He saw my face and hurried to clarify, ‘In the spare room. It’s all right, you can trust me.’
I laughed at the notion that someone like him would ever want to be with someone like me.
‘What’re you laughing at?’ He sounded irritated.
‘Just you, protesting too much. I hardly think you’re going to rape me, do I? I guess I’m not your type.’
‘That’s not actually funny, you know. You shouldn’t make jokes like that.’
The smile was wiped off my face. ‘You’re right. I’m sick.’ I paused and then let myself say, ‘I’m weird, we all know that. But don’t blame me – it’s being locked up most of my life that’s done it.’
He stared at me and we felt the weight of those words between us. It was out there now.
Craig hesitated, unsure, before he asked, ‘What do you mean, locked up?’
I drew a deep breath. I would have to explain everything all over again. Scratch at the itch that wouldn’t go away. That’s why I’d come after all, wasn’t it? To find Craig and to find the sister I’d lost to him, and now I had to trade. My secrets for his.
‘Isn’t it obvious? Me and Hephzi didn’t have lives until last September. How we ever got to start at that college still bewilders me. Let’s just say that The, I mean, our parents didn’t think we needed the outside world.’
‘I knew they were over-protective.’ He sounded cautious, feeling the way forward into this new territory.
‘That’s the understatement of the century. If my father and mother had had their way we’d never have left the vicarage.’
‘I get it. What else?’
‘Oh. Are you sure you’re ready for this?’
‘Totally.’
I told him my story then and he listened with as much attention as I had before, the only movements to betray his tension were his leg and his beating foot enacting a rapid tarantella, halting and stalling, then twitching and tapping on the floor. I let him have the lot. The years and years of words and fists, the strap, the silence, the fear, the punishments and crimes, and then, finally, the last hard hours of Hephzi’s life. He lost it then, totally lost it, and when he flew out of the room I was too slow to stop him and too stupid to remember that he hadn’t promised not to tell. I ran after him down the path outside his house and threw
myself on to his bike behind him. He didn’t stop and push me off, just revved the engine so loud and strong that I nearly toppled, feeling the throb of the machine through my body, and had to grab him as tight as I would my life if someone were trying to take
it from me, as tight as I should have held Hephzi.
It was obvious where we were heading and when I stumbled off the bike outside the vicarage I felt no surprise, just an awful numbness that spread from my scalp to my feet in preparation for what I hoped would be the last battle.
Craig stared at me, his eyes brilliant and feverish in the late summer darkness.
‘The tree?’ he asked.
‘No.’ I let him follow me to the front door. It was locked and I leant on the old bell, which stood proud of the brickwork of the porch. It clanged loud enough, but no one emerged to let us in. In fact the whole place was in darkness, closed and tired, asleep for the night. There was no fear pulling at my arm, trying to drag me to safety and silence and, liberated, I walked rapidly round the side of the house to the back. Craig followed, still moving raggedly; he was smarting with anger and the need to inflict pain. I stopped and held his arm.
‘Let me do this, OK? It’s not worth you ruining your life for.’
‘I want to kill them,’ he growled through his clenched teeth. I nodded, understanding.
‘You can’t. If you do you’ll end up in prison and you’ll end up being the one who suffers most. You mustn’t waste hate on them, and you mustn’t touch either of them. Promise me?’
He shook his head and looked as if he might break open there in the church gardens like a half healed wound. His pain was ravenous and raw.
‘Think about your future, the one you told me about. Don’t throw it away. Craig, please.’
Eventually he seemed just calm enough to continue and I moved forward again towards the back of the house. The musk of the wild roses that grew in the garden flooded my senses and I tried not to think of Hephzi and me leaning from our window, two little girls too hot to sleep, eager for the summer and reaching for the air. It was this air we’d smelled together and I gathered large breaths of it in the hope of saving some little morsel for later, something that might linger in the folds of memory to sweeten my sadness.
The back door was locked too, and Craig pounded on it, swearing madly as I shushed him and tried to decide what our next move should be. I was surprised no one had emerged and come to investigate the hullabaloo; it wasn’t that late, after all, The Parents wouldn’t usually be in bed by now. He would probably be drinking and she would be chasing some pointless task in an attempt to wipe away the indelible stains of their existence. Craig tried the door again and eventually it gave, the old wood falling inwards like an old man finally accepting defeat.
Inside the air was cold and dank and I smelled the musty stench of my childhood. The smell pierced the wall of control I’d carefully constructed and I threw my hands to my face.
‘It’s OK, Reb, it’s OK.’ For a moment I thought it was Hephzi speaking, she was the only one who’d called me that, the childhood name for me that she’d used since we could talk. But it was Craig who grabbed my hand and held it tight and led me through the kitchen, hunting for whatever we’d come to find.
We both jumped when she emerged from out of the shadows wrapped in the same old dressing-gown, tied tight round her scrawny frame.
‘Who’s there?’ she hissed into the darkness of the echoing hallway. ‘What do you want? Get out before I call the police.’
I was shocked that she still looked the same, but after all it had been a couple of months since we had last seen one another. She was thin and blue and papery pale. The fact that she didn’t recognize me straight away was a small triumph; my face was the same, of course, but my strength was all new. I wasn’t going to let The Mother make me hate myself any more. I drew myself up taller still.
‘It’s me.’ My voice was clear and echoed in the space. I could hear myself properly at last and her retort was weak in comparison.
Good
, I thought.
‘What do you want?’ she repeated. ‘Get out. Get out of here now.’
‘Where is he?’ I wasn’t hiding any more, gone were the days of ducking into shadows, and I wanted her to know it.
‘Not here. If he were here he’d kill you. Now scram.’
Stepping towards her I still felt no fear.
‘What have you come here for?’ she rasped. ‘Just leave me be. You’ve burned your bridges here, get out and leave me alone.’
‘No. Why should I?’ Hephzi would be locked up or hiding somewhere in the vicarage, I was sure. I pushed past her and started to climb the stairs, my feet naturally finding the spots that made no sound. Craig pounded behind me, unafraid of the trouble the creaks and moans of the house might uncover. The Mother followed behind us both, griping and grim. Our bedroom door was shut tight and I pushed the handle; I was convinced that Hephzi would be inside. She wasn’t at Craig’s so this was where she must still be.
But there was nothing. Whitewashed walls silently regarded me, blank and eerie in the half light. Craig flipped the switch and the naked bulb sputtered into life only to reveal more of the same. They’d made it like we’d never lived. Running my hands over the walls I searched frantically for signs of Hephzi and her baby but no bump or bulge betrayed their hiding places. And where was my child, the one I’d never held or known, the one which The Mother had buried somewhere on a black dark night? I’d watched her take a spade and scrabble in the dirt, then throw the bundle into the shallow grave, covering her
tracks like a cat piling its litter. She hadn’t buried the evidence deep enough though and my baby had returned to haunt me in the whispering walls. By the window I stopped and stared out, as if the tree might tell me its secrets. The branches nodded slowly and shook their green
arms, tapping at the window with empty fingers. I understood.
Of course they weren’t here. Of course. I had grown beyond this room and I had grown free, more free and alive than I’d ever believed might be possible. This room did not hold my sister or our children, their ghosts had flown. Now that I knew they were safe, I saw that the nightmares could end.
Craig came behind me and rested his hand on my arm.
‘Come on, let’s go. He’s not here. I’ll come back.’
‘Wait a second,’ I said and dropped to my knees, pulling at the floorboards in the corner of the room. I wouldn’t go without her things.
Relief stole my breath when my fingers closed around Hephzi’s chain and I quickly palmed it. Then I stood and stared at The Mother.
‘Before I go I want to know. Why did you hate us? Why did you hate me?’
Her mouth twisted.
‘You’re black. Black creatures. No one wanted you, either of you, but you came anyway. I had to pay for you every day of my life.’
Her answer told me nothing; she was mad, I thought, completely mad.
‘We were little girls. We weren’t bad or evil or wrong!’ I yelled at her. ‘You let Hephzi die!’
She screamed then and came at me with fingers that had twisted into claws and were muscled with hate. Craig pulled her away, threw her to the floor and dragged me free from the room. As he did so the world of my past, our palace, our prison, diminished to a cold white space.
‘You’re sick!’ he shot at my mother as we left. ‘I’m warning you now, watch your back, I’m not done with you.’
She spat at him and we hurried down the stairs, needing to escape, needing fresh air.
‘If that had been your dad, I’d have killed him.’
‘No. No, Craig. That wouldn’t achieve anything.’
‘How can you be so calm?’
‘Because that was my life. I’ve had a long time to get used to it. It’s all there’s ever been.’
‘Why didn’t anyone stop them? How could they just ruin your lives like that? I don’t get it.’
His distress on my behalf was further proof that he was one of the good guys. Shyly I touched his sleeve, ‘It doesn’t matter now, Craig. Please, let it go. All right?’
‘I can’t.’
I let him nurture his anger and thoughts of revenge. The only thing I cared about now was the loss of my sister. I’d been so sure that she would be there, so sure she’d explode in joy when she saw us together, come to rescue her at last. I was glad she was free but I still wanted to find her, some vestige at least, and to say a better goodbye. I had to tell her
how sorry I was that I hadn’t saved her, I owed her that. I hadn’t been able to tell her so at her funeral, eight months ago, and I hadn’t had the guts to say it all the time she’d been with me, helping me and telling me to grab my life before The Father finished things first. Of course I couldn’t tell Craig what was going on, he’d have consigned me to the nuthouse along with my crazy mother, but I knew my apology to Hephzi was long overdue.
Going back to Craig’s seemed the only plausible option now evening had fallen, but I asked him to wait for me a little longer. Next door at the care home it would be just after bedtime and I knew Danny was working a late shift. Michaela let me in, grinning and hugging and patting my cheeks, saying how good it was to see me, how nice, how happy. I asked for Danny and she pointed to the kitchen. He wheeled round when he heard me say his name.
‘Here you are, then! You turned up. Cheryl’s been worried sick.’
‘I’m so sorry. I just came to tell you I’m OK.’
‘All right, love. I’m glad to see you, but you had us going there. Cheryl was all for calling the police.’
‘She didn’t, did she?’
‘No. I calmed her down. I said you wouldn’t have gone far, not without money or a place to go. So, what have you been doing?’
‘I went back there.’ I jerked my head in the direction of the vicarage.
‘You what?’ His face paled. I knew working so close by
was torture for him and that every day he had to restrain himself from going round there and giving the vicar a taste of his own medicine, that’s what Archie had told me anyway. Of course The Parents, instead of doing the decent thing and moving on, had stayed put, brazening out the rumours, telling people I was mad and that Danny was some sort of child molester who had me under his evil spell. Most disregarded the lies, Archie said, but I still felt bad for Danny and the mess I’d brought to his door.
‘It’s OK. I had some things to pick up. That’s all. He wasn’t there.’
‘Thank God for that. Bloody hell, Rebecca, you’re not one for a quiet life, are you? Now why don’t you wait in the lounge? I’ll be off in half an hour or so, I can give you a lift back.’
‘No, Danny. It’s OK. Thanks anyway.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I’m staying at a friend’s tonight and then tomorrow, well, who knows. I might go to see my aunt.’
‘Right.’ His happy, open features were clouded by a frown. ‘Are you sure you’ll be OK?’
‘Yes. Thank you for everything you did for me. You’ve been the best dad I could have had.’
‘Stop it!’ His cheeks flushed pink and he smiled sadly at me. ‘We’ll still be around for when you need us, I want you to come whenever you need something, anything, all right? Promise?’
I promised and he wrapped me in one of his bear hugs,
the best hugs in the world. Then he shoved twenty quid into my palm. I tried to thrust it back but he wouldn’t hear of it.
‘You’ll need a bit of ready cash, love, till you get yourself sorted, and that’s not much either. But let me know if you need more, I’ll help you out. Archie and the kids are going to miss you, you know.’
His kindness was too much and I looked down, trying not to let the tears fall. I was strong now, he’d helped me to get strong and I wanted him to be proud. Before I left I nipped into Cyrilla’s room; she was half asleep already. I dropped a kiss on her soft, lined cheek and whispered goodbye. I think she smiled and almost raised a hand in farewell.
Slowly I was ticking things off. Slowly I was getting myself ready. I did mean it, I was leaving. I was stepping out of the shadows and I was finding a life. The one that had been waiting for me all this time.