Bleak Devotion (17 page)

“
Try to get the emotion under control. Depending on the emotion, it can easy or hard.”

“
How do you mean?”

“
Well, it's like trying to find a good book. Some are easy to come by. Other times you want to read something specific, but everything you find doesn't quite satisfy what you want. You keep searching and reading, and eventually you find the perfect one.

“
The difference with controlling emotion once changed is that I can't just pick up a book and read it. I have to pick through my emotions, trying to find a way to calm them. If it's just being miffed at someone like Zach, it's easy to calm. But strong emotions, ones for people I really care about—” His gaze found mine, making me freeze. “—they are harder to remember how to find the calm.”

Her movements not only froze, but her heart as well as their gazes remain locked. How could she do this to him? How did he learn to deal with it? A tremor ran through his jaw, reminding her that even at that moment she affected him.

She hurried to get both their minds away from each other. “That sucks.”

Blade snorted, breaking the spell between us. “An understatement about the whole process, but yes, it does.”

“I'm sorry.”

“
Don't worry about it. I'm learning to deal with it.” Though the shaking of his arms said it would be a long learning process. “Should we talk about something happier?”

Please,
she thought,
anything to get rid of my effect on you. For now.
“Like what?”

“
Well, if I'd have known your birthday happened while you were here, I would have gotten you something.” His words with a hint of a smile made Jessica enjoy the change of topic.

“
It's no biggie. When's your birthday?”

“
I don't know. We were always too busy running, hiding, and fighting to worry about celebrating the day of a birth, other than the year you are born.”

“
Well, maybe we should change that. I could get Kimberly to make you your very own birthday cake.”

“
You don't need to go to the trouble.” His voice almost sounded normal, but a tinge of disgust tainted the words.

She giggled. “Oh, right. No sugar.” Gazing out along the road, she sobered. The world was still out there. “How did setting up the perimeter go?”

“Good. Erin helped a lot, but Ben was the biggest surprise. I think that's the closest he's ever come to being cordial to me.”

“
Wow. I missed that?”

“
Unfortunately,” he said. “I think it's secure. We did a few test runs and they all relayed a breach back to the house like they should.”

“
And now I get to enjoy a new chore. Babysitting a machine. Joy.”

“
I'll keep you company when it's your turn if you like.”

The thought of him sitting close to her for a few hours made a staccato rhythm out of her heartbeat. “I'd like that.”

Blade looked down into her eyes. “If you want my cooperation, you'd have to be willing to do the same for me, of course.”

“
I think I could manage that,” she whispered.

They leaned closer to one another, their breath dancing together. She held still, afraid any movement might ruin the moment, but the very air around them was charged. A slight breeze sprang up, rustling them together, tugging her hair toward him.

Blade's hand trembled in hers. The rest of his body soon followed, leaving them just barely touching. Barely, yet every part of her sang with the nearness of him. It was like two halves which belonged together but had always been apart finally coming together. Finally being where they belonged.

He bent closer, his mouth hovering less than an inch from hers. An electrifying current jolted between them. Her breathing turned ragged. Any second he would run off. Any second he would leave her. But here and now, they were being.

His eyes narrowed and then closed as he pulled away from her. Agonizing desire wrinkled his face for a brief moment, then it turned placid. The here and now was over before it really began.

She let his hand drift from hers, but her fingers curled toward him, reaching. Forcing herself to take several steps, she watched him fight the monster inside with quaking. The monster that came between them.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Jessica twirled the pencil around, then stuck the end of it in her mouth. Unable to begin, she stared at the blank paper. Quiet shrouded the muggy room around her. She had hidden herself away in a corner of the greenhouse to attempt to write down her feelings for Blade. It was so hard to tell him how she felt, she figured this way she could get her thoughts out and he could read them in a way he could control.

The warm room had her shirt sticking to her. Outside, the snow had finally melted. The grass was tinted green in spots, but still mostly brown. Other signs of spring were trying to burst their way through the ground and trees. The boys had been wrong about more snow coming. She prayed they'd stay wrong, the air had a nice fresh scent to it that a snowstorm would ruin. On the other hand, a good rain storm would enhance it.

The door squeaked open, and she pulled herself into a tight ball trying to hide. Being disturbed wasn't conducive to such a heavy project. Hiding outside would have worked better. The library was out of the question, and with Deborah and Kimberly working on the hideout, the greenhouse was the best option. She wished the idea to work outside would have come sooner. Before the interruption.

“
Jessica?” Zach hollered. “Are you in here?”

His voice sounded anxious, but she didn't respond. The last thing she was in the mood for was him. Lately, his looks had grown more pleading, and she didn't want to deal with more talk of leaving Blade. Zach didn't understand that it wasn't an option. The feelings she had for Blade were too real to ignore. Even if she left Blade, they wouldn't just go away. Besides, she was still upset with Zach over the whole magnet episode.

His footsteps darted out of the room. Her body eased, even if her thoughts couldn't. She stared down at the empty paper and sighed. This was going to be harder than she thought. Silly, though. Why should it be so hard to write down what she was feeling?

She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the cupboard behind her. Memories of Blade flowed through her, filling her with peace and comfort. And a desire to be close to him. To share what she was feeling. To share heartaches and triumphs. To share a kiss. Just one, blasted kiss.

That didn't help. The memories before that were better. She concentrated on them for a few minutes. Still nothing came worth writing down. She growled. How did one go about putting these types of feelings into words? That's what she wanted to give Blade. A voice to her feelings.

Untangling the pencil from her fingers, she brought it over to the paper. Determined to at least put something down, even if it was cheesy, she forced herself to write. Her pencil scratched and scribbled at her command, sometimes pausing while she thought. The results were no master piece, but maybe it held some promise. It was something she could work with at least.

“
Jessica?” Blade's frantic voice sent her scrambling.

She covered the paper and sat very still.

“Are you in here, Jess? The aliens are coming.”

Jessica flew to her feet. “No!”

Blade’s worry-riddled eyes eased a little when they saw her, but his body trembled. “We've been looking for you everywhere. We don't have time to go to the hideout, you'll have to hide in here.”

“
In here?”

Just then someone called out in clicks and whistles Jessica couldn't understand, but feared. Blade rushed to her. He yanked one of the cupboard doors open and pulled everything out. She watched him with a hot flash of fear, making her trembling match his.

He finished and flung her inside. “Be quiet. I'll try to keep them away from here. Don't leave until I come for you.”

Darkness closed in around her as he shut the door on the cramped cupboard. A white rectangle of light seeped in through the edges. A frantic rustle of movement followed, and she assumed Blade was rearranging the items he had just taken out of the cupboard. His footstep faded, but before they could disappear completely, more footsteps joined his.

A sick feeling of dread crept down her back. Go figure that she finally found some time alone and the aliens come. Why hadn't she gotten over her childish fear of talking to Zach and just answered him?

She forced herself to quiet her breathing and concentrate on the noise. They were speaking, but could be saying anything. What she could understand was the monotone consistency of their words.

And then a voice that was familiar, Blade, only his tone matched the others. He had always been less animated, but never quite this flat. She hated it. She wanted to hear the life in his voice. She wanted everything to be okay. Not to be so close to hearing him have to act like this, not to be causing more problems. Squeezing her eyes closed, she forced herself not to think of things she couldn't change.

The voices drifted around the room and she assumed they were checking on the progress of the food they'd demanded from Blade. Only, they were much too close. She sucked in breaths of hot, sticky fear. Between that and the uncontrollable pounding of her heart, she was sure they could hear her. At least they couldn't sense her emotions without seeing them. Then she'd be done for. Her knuckles rubbed against her chin a few times, and then she froze them in place, fearing that it could be heard, too.

They moved even closer. Her breathing grew frantic when they stopped so near. She worked to calm it, taking slow, deep breaths. It was like breathing hot pudding: impossible, especially without noise. The aliens sounded even louder than before. They would be sure to hear the raucous noise she was making. Sucking in a deep breath, she held it.

The sound of a cupboard door opening and closing startled her. Another one followed, coming closer in her direction. The sickening sight she had seen all too often of a monster changing and ripping a person to shreds filled her mind. Months ago she could have held it in, but her emotions had been coming out without recourse, so much so that she couldn't stop them now.

Tears sprang to her eyes. They rolled down her cheeks, falling somewhere in the dark. She took a gasp of air, filling her painful lungs. Her nose started to run and she had to force herself not to sniff. Reverting back to days she had long since tried to forget about, she recited times tables. Numbing with their rhythm.

Another cupboard slammed closed. A squeal almost escaped but caught in her throat. She pushed herself back as far as she could in the crowded space. Blade spoke and she detected a hint of urgency in his voice. It practically screamed against his previous monotone. The cupboard door right next to hers slammed closed.

They were coming for her. This cupboard had to be next. It had better be fast and not lead to consequences for Blade. Her already racing heart took on a new frantic life. She muffled a shriek as the metallic sound of an alien changing echoed. The sound of several more aliens morphing reverberated in her tiny cupboard. Blade's voice frantically tried talking over their snarls. Death was coming. It was close.

Metal clanged against metal. The sound of yet another monster changing filled her dark hole. Blade! Though she shook like one of them, giving away her human presence as much as her likely tear-stained cheeks, she debated jumping out of her cupboard to distract the aliens.

But she couldn't decide if that would help Blade or get him in more trouble. Before she could make a decision, the clang of metal and snarls left the room. She listened to them moving through the house until all was quiet. Too quiet.

Tears poured from her eyes. She stifled them and dried her eyes and nose so she wouldn't make any noise if any aliens were still there, waiting for her to make a mistake. She doubted any of the males could stay after seeing the rest of them explode like that, unless they'd learned some type of control like Blade had, but a female could still be in the room. She didn't think it was likely given how much Blade said they cherished their women. This would be too dangerous for one of them, but she didn't want to chance it.

The lull pulsed with terror. Time held no meaning for her other than to make her feel as if she had been sitting in the confining space forever. She perspired as the cupboard grew hotter. Her body cramped, protesting the odd angle she had been forced to curl up in. Still she waited, doing times tables whenever fear threatened to overwhelm her. If Blade wanted her to wait for him, she'd stay there no matter what it cost.

Her body screamed. Unbidden thoughts of Blade being torn by those monsters flashed in her mind. She screeched for the thoughts to go away. They were wrong. All wrong. Nothing would happen to Blade, not among his own kind. Hadn't he said that himself? Everything would be fine. It'd be fine.

But she didn't believe that. She recited times tables again, forcing the horrifying thoughts from her mind. The small bit of light seemed to grow dark.

Footsteps echoed through the greenhouse, startling her awake. Unaware that she had let herself fall asleep, she used her pain to wake herself fully and clear her mind. How long had she slept for? Whose footsteps were those? She strained to listen, hoping to hear something that would let her know if Blade was all right.

The foreign voices did nothing to soothe her. None belonged to Blade. They shuffled back and forth, going in and out of the room. The more times this happened, the more worry outweighed her pain. His voice still hadn't joined in the mix. Angst gnawed at her, leaving a sickening gouge in her stomach.

She bit her nails while foreboding stabbed at her. The pitch of voices varied by speaker, but never took on an emotional tone. She wanted to jump out of her cupboard and throttle every single monotonous voice until she could find Blade.

She wanted to scream out loud. It had been too long since she had tried to be an emotionless creature like them. She couldn't keep the times tables occupying her mind. The agony in her body and emotions fought against her urge to remain silent. The tears leaked out against her will. She tried to keep them as quiet as possible, but it felt like she was yelling to the aliens about her presence.

Suddenly, a rich baritone sounded. Though it was bland like the rest, tension seeped out of her. He was alive. Blade was alive.

She rested her head on her knees and concentrated on its soothing quality. She pulled her finger away from her mouth and her tears slowed. Blade's voice fluttered about the room until it disappeared along with the others.

Still she sat in silence, more at peace than the first time he left. Parts of her body were numb and more were tingling with the beginning stages of losing their feeling. She wanted to welcome the feeling, but feared the pain that would accompany it waking up later. If there was a later. What if the aliens decided to stay for good? She banished any thinking of that sort.

After a short time, footsteps came zipping back. She didn't even have time to think before the cupboard door flew open.

“
Oh, Jess.” Blade grabbed one of her hands, bringing it to his lips while she attempted to stretch her body out of the cupboard. “I thought they were going to find you.”

He wrapped his arms around her, squeezed her tight, and pulled her to a standing position. She fell against him, her numb legs not cooperating with the action. He picked her up and cradled her in his arms with his head buried in her chest. He repeated her name over and over while pins and needles shot through her body. She winced and flexed her muscles. Really though, the pain didn't matter. She was safe, he was safe. They were together.

His frantic words slowed until they stopped altogether. She relished the comfort she found in his arms, never wanting to leave. The pain receded, leaving only gratitude that they were both all right in its wake.

“
Do you think you can stand now?”

“
I think so.” Not that she wanted to leave his arms, but more than enough had been tempted already.

He gently put her feet to the ground, but kept hold of her as she tested her weight. “Are you okay?” She nodded and he pulled her in close. “Oh, Jess.” His hands shakily brushed her hair out of her face.

“I was scared, too.”

“
I've got you now. I won't ever let them hurt you.”

The stood together for another minute, not nearly long enough, and then she unwillingly said, “Let's get the others.”

Slowly, he drew away from her, but kept close. As they remained like that as they went to the hideout, it didn't feel like close enough. She never wanted him gone from her sight again.