Blind Delusion (16 page)

Instead of hearing Mrs. Hollingsworth, Renee heard Aunt Clara’s voice.”
You’d better do as you’re told Missy and keep your mouth shut. God'll punish you for your sinful ways sure as I breath. Mark my words. When I was growing up they had names for fast girls like you but I’m too much of a decent, church-going lady to say it out loud.”

Dr. Renee jerked her attention back to the present and picked up in the middle of Mrs. Hollingsworth’s dialogue.

“There can’t be a marriage or an adoption because they’re first cousins!” she shrieked at her husband, “Why is this so difficult for everybody here to get? It’s a no brainer, for chrissakes. Heather has to be convinced to end this pregnancy now before it’s too late.”

“That’s not necessarily true, Dear,” said Mr. Hollingsworth, “the baby would be adoptable as long as it’s healthy because the biological relationship between cousins is not as close as bother and sister.” Mrs. Hollingsworth glared at her husband and folded her arms.

Renee felt herself slipping out of control again as her mind drifted off and her breathing accelerated. She had been listening but not listening. She slowly rose from her chair, barely able to stand. The Hollingsworths’ turned and gave her a startled look. It was Mr. Hollingsworth who showed the most concern as he rushed behind the desk to grab her arm. “Are you all right, Dr. Hayes? You don’t look well. Should we reschedule?”

At that suggestion, Mrs. Hollingsworth bristled, “Reschedule? Are you mad, John? How much time do you think that girl has left? Just look at her belly for god’s sake!” she said, pointing at Heather.

“I’m sorry,” said Renee, massaging her forehead, “Please excuse me for a moment. I won’t be long. Please help yourself to a cup of coffee or tea.”

Renee gently released herself from Mr. Hollingsworth’s support and gave him a smile. “Thank you, Mr. Hollingsworth. I’ll be fine.” Before Mrs. Hollingsworth could launch any further complaints, Renee disappeared through a door marked ‘Private’, which led to her own bathroom. The restrooms for patients were located just outside the reception area and Renee was glad that she had installed a private powder room of her own.

Once inside she locked the bathroom door. Then, Renee immediately sank to the white and black tiled floor, balled herself in a knot and buried her face in both hands as she sobbed. Through the years she had learned how to self-heal, ever since she lost her mother at age 6 in a tragic bus accident and fell under the guardianship of her bitter and controlling Aunt Clara. Renee wrapped her arms tightly around her torso as if feeling the comforting arms of a mother’s embrace. She knew she could not allow herself to collapse now, but the haunting memories from her past when she was only 16 years old came flooding back.

Renee recalled that this particular day at Calvin Coolidge High School had started out like any other school day but it didn’t end the same way it normally did for sixteen-year old Renee Janette Curtis and Randolph DeWitt. Typically, Randolph would walk her home from the bus stop and carry her books and wouldn’t be allowed to see her again until the next day at school. They had been inseparable for the first nine months of their junior year at Coolidge High. This was the first time they had decided to skip classes. It was the last day of school before the summer break began and the last time they would be able to hang out together. Renee knew that Aunt Clara would keep tight reigns on her all summer. And, Randolph would be leaving next week to stay with his grandparents for two months in North Carolina. A summer swim in the lake, a picnic lunch, listening to Randolph’s poetry, and holding each other’s hand—that’s all they had planned to do on the day they skipped school. Losing her virginity and becoming pregnant was not in her plan.

Renee willed herself to put these memories aside for now. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sat still on the floor with her eyes closed. She listened to the sound of her controlled breathing. Between sets of deep inhalations of air and slow exhalations, she counted by two’s until reaching the number ten. While focusing on her counting and breathing she pictured herself in a peaceful meadow, with a running stream, singing birds, and a warm breeze on her neck. Time seemed to stand still as a wave of relaxation and calmness washed over her. Once she felt back in control, she grabbed hold of the sides of the sink and lifted herself from the floor. Leaning over the porcelain bowl, she splashed cold water on her face several times until her cheeks tingled, and then she patted her face dry. Renee stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror to make sure she would appear okay to the outside world. Only then did she reappear at the doorway of her office, slightly red-eyed and with flushed cheeks. She glanced at the clock on the wall, relieved that she had only been in the bathroom for five minutes though it seemed longer during her relaxation exercise.

“Are you all right, Doctor?” asked Mr. Hollingsworth, rising from his chair to come to her aid if necessary. He didn’t notice his wife glaring at him, but Renee saw it.

“Yes, thank you,” said Renee, returning to her desk and reaching for an appointment book, “But would you both mind if we ended our session a little early today? I can see everyone tomorrow at the same time.”

Mrs. Hollingsworth shot Renee an angry look as she tapped the face of her wristwatch. “I paid for an hour’s session, Dr. Hayes. We still have ten minutes. What do you plan to do for my daughter, Doctor? I want to know before I leave here. I’ve already given up a morning’s worth of work to be here.”

Nothing surprised Renee anymore, not even this woman’s callous reaction to her daughter’s situation and how she managed to turn it around to be all about her.

Renee took a deep breathe and folded her hands on her desk before answering. “First of all you should know that I’m not here to tell any of you what to do, but only to try to get you all to talk to each other and decide the best thing for Heather,” said Renee, feeling very much in control again. “She’s still a child herself and like any child, she needs love, attention, and guidance, not constant criticism,” said Renee, looking directly at Mrs. Hollingsworth.

“I’m sorry that I can’t wrap things up neat and tidy for you today, Mrs. Hollingsworth. I feel I’ll need another five or six sessions of private counseling with Heather to get to what she wants first before I can advise you about what decision you need to make as a family.”

“That’s almost two more months!” shouted Mrs. Hollingsworth, “What the hell are we supposed to do in the meantime? Heather will still be pregnant and the problem won’t be resolved. I’m all about problem resolution. That’s what I do for a living and that’s what I’m good at. This is a bunch of bull crap.”

Mr. Hollingsworth held his wife’s arm to calm her down, “Please, Hope, Dear. Let the doctor speak.”

“I don’t give a damn what she has to say,” said Mrs. Hollingsworth, “I’m the one in charge here, not Heather and not this … outsider! Nobody seems to care how I feel.”

“You may not want to hear it, but this really is Heather’s decision, Mr. and Mrs. Hollingsworth,” said Renee gently, “Legally, no one can be forced or pressured into having an abortion, not even a minor. She needs your help and guidance in making the right decision and understanding what the impact of that decision will be. But in the end, it is up to her to decide.” Renee paused for her words to sink in. “I’d like to see Heather alone next Monday if I have your permission. Is that all right with you, Heather?” asked Renee, smiling.

The girl looked at Renee for the first time and nodded. She straightened up in her seat a little. Renee felt she had achieved some degree of trust from her new patient.

“And what about you, Parents? Do you agree to allow me to counsel your daughter?”

“Yes, Dr. Hayes,” Mr. Hollingsworth spoke up, “Thank you for your concern.”

Mrs. Hollingsworth let out a defeated sigh and rolled her eyes towards the ceiling.

“Heather, I want you to understand that your parents love you and only want what’s best for you,” said Renee, “I’m not excluding them and they will be with you during some of our meetings. Ultimately, you and your parents will decide what’s best for you, not me. Though I will offer advice.”

“Dr. Hayes, what can my wife and I do in the meantime to help?”

Renee asked Heather to wait outside in the reception area while she talked to her parents alone. After Heather left, Renee gave the Hollingsworths her candid analysis of the situation based on their initial meeting and studying the school’s background report. She told the parents the two main problems she saw within the family were that there was no communication and Heather had exhibited signs of self-esteem issues. Their child needed attention and guidance. Heather’s cousin had given her attention but for all the wrong reasons, to take advantage of her vulnerability and the parents had been oblivious. Now, Mrs. Hollingsworth wanted to erase the problem away and start with a clean slate as if nothing had ever happened, but that wasn’t possible. Mrs. Hollingsworth looked indignant when she spoke up.

“What about all those outside activities I had her involved in? Tennis, swimming, soccer, you name it,” wailed Mrs. Hollingsworth, “I paid our maid extra to make sure she got to practice and events. But Heather never excelled in sports like I did when I was her age because all she does is eat junk food, lay around all day and watch TV. She’s so much like her father. I tell her about this all the time but nobody can get through to that thick-headed, stubborn kid.”

“Mrs. Hollingsworth these activities would be great if Heather enjoyed doing them. But they’re just fillers. Things to keep her busy so you don’t have to spend time with her yourself.”

Mrs. Hollingsworth nearly jumped from her seat upon hearing Renee’s interpretation of her motives. Instead, she clinched her jaw tightly and kept silent for a change. She didn’t like hearing what Renee had to say, but finally Renee was able to get both parents to admit they’d been too busy with their own lives to supervise the two teenagers and spend quality time with them. Mr. Hollingsworth traveled frequently on business and Mrs. Hollingsworth was usually out and about, concerned with making more money and achieving more power and prestige in her career. Just like the pattern they had assumed with Heather, when her cousin came to stay with them, they focused on other priorities and left the boy to his own devices. Like Heather, he didn’t make friends in the new high school. Heather didn’t have friends either so the two of them clung to each other for attention and acceptance.

Renee told the parents that just from this initial visit she could tell their entire family existed in a disconnected household. She gave them suggestions on how to improve communication. Everything Renee explained was common knowledge to parenting experts and child psychologists. Basically, they needed to spend quality time with their child, not just the time spent taking her to and from events or activities. And the passive activity of watching TV together should not be considered quality time. Renee urged each of the parents to focus on their daughter. She described how they could create a ritual of family night. Even if all they could spare was 15-minutes, it would be time Heather would learn to expect. During their family time, no one should answer phones or pagers, logon to the computer, or think about other things they had to do. Also, it would be counterproductive to use family quality time to criticize Heather or tell her what she should or should not be doing. Criticism would just undermine their few minutes of quality time together. A good family night might consist of talking, playing board games, cooking together or anything that they all enjoyed doing as a family. Family quality time would have also helped her nephew feel like part of the family. After hearing Renee’s observations, the parents sat mute with guilt-ridden faces.

“Please understand me, Mr. and Mrs. Hollingsworth, I’m not blaming you for what happened to Heather and your nephew,” said Renee gently, “It’s useless to sit around assigning blame. I just want you to be aware of how the pregnancy could have happened, and to help you adopt ways to prevent it from ever happening again.”

“I know, Doctor,” said Mr. Hollingsworth, looking down at his folded hands.

“During the next private session with your daughter, I hope to find out what Heather’s needs are, and where her head is, so to speak,” explained Renee, “Later, I want her to begin to understand the implications of any decision she may make. That’s where I’d like you both to be involved in helping her break down the logic in her reasoning and choices.”

“That’s all fine doctor, but how are we going to solve the problem now?” asked Mrs. Hollingsworth, “That’s what we’re here for today, isn’t it?”

“Basically, the choices come down to either she will have the baby or not. If she decides to have it, the next decision will be to keep it or not,” said Renee, “These are important decisions that ultimately Heather and you, her parents must make.”

“But why on earth would she want to keep it?” asked Mrs. Hollingsworth.

“I can’t answer that. My primary objective is to get your family communicating as quickly as possible. I’d like to help you both as parents to build a bond with Heather so she no longer feels like she’s alone whenever there’s a crisis in her life. Then mother, father, and daughter can work things out together and decide what’s best for Heather.”

“So you don’t intend to make her see reason during your private sessions with her?”

Renee sighed. “I don’t think you’re hearing me, Mrs. Hollingsworth. That’s not my job. I’m not going to make the decision for Heather,” said Renee. “I wouldn’t want someone else to do that to me.”

Finally, the session was over and the Hollingsworths left. Thank God they were gone. She asked Brenda to hold her calls for the next fifteen minutes and take a message if anyone called. She stumbled over to the coach and collapsed, then buried her head within folded arms. She tried to listen to the cheerful melody of Mozart’s flute concerto in D major that played softly from piped in speakers, but it was no use. She leaned back and lay down on the couch with her eyes closed. The whirring noise of the ceiling fan above her head reminded her of the sound the equipment had made in the doctor’s back room. When the disturbing images in her head started to reappear, her breathing became constricted once again and her heart beat accelerated. Renee recognized her symptoms as an anxiety attack and knew she was not actually having a heart attack though a non-medical person might think that, so she didn’t want to worry Brenda who she knew would dial 911. Renee did not want to call 911 because the licensing board, at worst, could revoke her license to treat patients. At best she could be put on probation or get suspended. She knew just what she needed in order to stop these anxiety attacks and drive away the bad memories. She retrieved her cell phone from her jacket pocket and called her mentor and psychiatrist, Dr. Helen Stone. Dr. Stone picked up on the first ring.