But the thought of never seeing Lucas again broke the moment of felicity. To leave Colorado would seal our break-up in the most permanent of ways. There would be absolutely no chance that I would ever see him again.
It was a thought I couldn’t handle.
I managed a weak smile for Derek’s sake and said, “My mom would kill me if I dropped out of school.”
Derek’s face fell, but he picked it right back up. “Yeah, you’re right. My dad would freak, too.”
I turned back to the movie, watching Dracula seduce some chick and then crunch her neck up with his stick-on fangs.
Derek stretched next to me and said, “Be right back.”
He got up and crossed the room, doing something by the fridge, probably getting a sip of blood. I turned the TV up and averted my eyes because I didn’t like to watch him. He hadn’t had any more cravings in a while, so he was definitely due. . . . But then again, I didn’t remember the runt dropping off any more supply this week either.
Derek turned around and flicked the TV off. He came toward me slowly, something odd glinting in his eyes, something ... hungry. His vibe, too, was serious. Determined.
“Hey,” I said, nervous at his sudden flip of emotions. It was moments like these that reminded me how young he was in the supernatural world. “You okay?” I asked.
“Perfect,” he said, still eyeing me intently.
“You seem a little hungry.” I sat up, stretching my legs out.
“I am. Very.”
It felt like someone had drilled a hole in my stomach. I stood up instantly. “We should go eat,” I said. “We should go eat right now.” The food wouldn’t sate his blood crave, but it might hold him off if he was hurting. I started searching for my purse, but I had barely moved before Derek cut me off.
“No.” We were inches away, his body so close, I could feel its coolness like a winter breeze. He swept his hands along my arms up to my throat, gathering my hair away from the skin. “I don’t want food. I want you.”
I gulped and tried to back away, but found I was already pressed against the wall.
How did that happen?
“No, Derek. I don’t want to. Let’s just go get some food. It might help.”
“I told you,” Derek said, bending his face to mine. “I don’t want food. I want you. Right now.”
I shook my head, feeling tears creep into my eyes. I wanted to repay him for everything he’d done for me and to make up for all the wrong I’d done to him, but not like this. I was not his pet. “Please,” I whimpered. “I don’t want you to do this.”
“I have to. I can’t resist you anymore. It’s too much. The dog isn’t in the picture now. You have no excuses.”
I began to protest, but he put a finger to my mouth.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” he said, lips close to mine. “And I’m not going to stop. I’m not going to stop until I’m completely satisfied.... Until my hunger for you is finally sated.” His pale pink lips curved up into a crooked smile, and his eyes sparkled.
He was joking. Playing like he wanted my blood when really he wanted ... me.
“You jerk,” I whispered. He smiled more broadly, that heart-stopping boyish smile that melted my heart. Every time.
I drew in a ragged breath, thought briefly of putting up a fight, and then said to hell with it. Lucas left me. He wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. And Derek had always been my first love. Derek would be a good boyfriend. He would keep me safe, and I could certainly enjoy kissing him.
And somehow, the thought of kissing Derek felt like a first step. A step toward moving on. A step away from Lucas and the fiery hot coals I’d been dragging myself over. A step into the snow-covered ground, where it was cool and soothing over my singed skin.
Something to heal the wounds ... or at the very least, numb them.
So I shut my mouth and closed my eyes, silently giving Derek the go-ahead to kiss me. I felt his frigid hands slip behind my head and down along my back. His cool breath tingled over my cheek and the tips of his teeth scraped against the soft skin beneath my jaw.
Suddenly memories of his bite swept over me in a rush of pure need. That sweet nothingness his bite had induced was exactly what I wanted—just a moment to forget about Lucas and everything I’d lost. To feel happy again ... it was all I wanted. But I knew it wasn’t right.... I couldn’t use Derek that way.
“Don’t bite me,” I whispered, hating the words as I said them.
I felt his lips break into a smile along my cheek. “Oh, all right,” he said. And he pressed his lips against mine, snarling his fingers through my hair and holding my body to his. Derek and I had kissed a hundred times before, but everything was different now. His lips weren’t warm anymore; they didn’t give when he pressed them to mine. They didn’t taste of his sweetness. They were like unrelenting marble, bruising against my skin, yet somehow still pleasing. Everything was cold; my heart pounded as his lips parted mine and my breath came raggedly. I wanted him to bite me so badly. . . .
I knew it wasn’t going to solve anything—but as we kissed, I could think of nothing else. I wanted to try it again, just once more. Just one bite.
I turned my head, and Derek kissed my jaw, moving up to my earlobe, pulling my hair back. I arched my body into his, willing him to do it. He kissed my neck, his hands clutching me ever closer.
I pressed onto my tiptoes, panting with anticipation.
But Derek pulled back, his forehead still touching mine. “Do you want me to?” he whispered.
I answered him with a nod, turning my head just slightly. A flicker of doubt played in his eyes, and then they darkened with the crave. I swept my fingertips lightly over his eyelids; he was so unearthly beautiful I couldn’t look away. My old friend.
He bent over my throat, just underneath my jaw. His breath froze my skin, giving me shivers as I waited for my high to come, my moment of relief. His lips touched my skin, and I almost whimpered in desperation.
“Do it,” I begged.
Derek kissed my skin tenderly. “No,” he whispered, coming back to look at me.
“I want you to,” I said. “Please.”
But he shook his head, and his eyes dissolved into that ultralight blue. “I don’t want it to be like that,” he said. “You’re not food. You’re my best friend. I love you.”
I winced at the words, knowing how much he meant them and feeling a pang of guilt at not being able to say them back. I did love him, but not the way he wanted me to. I was about to push away from him, to forget this whole thing, when Derek took my face and kissed me so sweetly, so slowly and carefully it erased the broken feelings inside—just for a moment. It was almost as good as his bite.
And I kissed him back, becoming wrapped up in his wintry lips again. He was fantastic, almost good enough to make me lose myself. I wanted it to go on forever, and I suddenly realized that it could. This wasn’t temporary the way it was with Lucas. There was no danger. Well, maybe a little danger, but if Derek bit me, he’d stop before he took too much. He didn’t want human blood badly enough to
kill
me. Besides, he seemed very much in control. I’d all but begged him to bite me and he’d refrained.
The realization made my head spin and my body warmed beneath Derek’s cold hands.
We don’t have to stop.
Derek seemed to be thinking the exact same thing because he scooped me up in his arms and lowered me onto his bed with one hand while his other tugged his shirt over his head. I gasped, taking in the gloriousness of his body. He couldn’t be meant for me—not after everything I’d done to him.
But all he wanted was me. All he’d
ever
wanted was me. And now, finally, I could give myself to him. Somewhere inside, this thought shredded through me like a buzz saw, but I ignored it.
He left me. I’m not his anymore. I have to let it go. . . .
Derek unbuttoned my jeans and yanked them off with one swift tug; my body went wild with nerves. He lowered himself onto the bed and laid his long, hard body on top of mine, stroking the hair from my eyes with loving fingers.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” he said softly. “We always said we’d be each other’s first.”
I tried to say something, but the words were smothered underneath Derek’s kisses. He was so cold; my entire body was frozen like I was buried underneath an avalanche. It was numbing—I couldn’t feel anything, least of all what I was supposed to be feeling: that this was right, that this felt good.
Suddenly, I longed for warmth. I longed to feel two hot arms surrounding me, sweet dark eyes melting my heart away, and heat surging beneath every touch. I saw a pair of perfect lips behind my closed eyes. They creaked into this crooked little grin, and I smiled back without thinking about it.
Then my eyes snapped open.
This was
wrong
.
This wasn’t going to happen.
Derek’s hand crept down and down, his thumb hooking into the seam of my underwear. I snatched at his wrist.
“No,” I said. “I can’t do this.”
“Sure you can,” Derek said gently. “I won’t hurt you. I don’t even want to bite you, I really wasn’t thinking about that. Believe me.”
“That’s not it. We shouldn’t do this just because we can, just because we always said we would.” I paused. What I was about to say would hurt him more than anything else I would ever say. But I had to be honest. “I miss Lucas,” I admitted.
For a moment there was silence. Then Derek’s face coiled into a snarl, and he sat up. I did too.
“I still love him,” I blundered on. “I still want him, even after everything we’ve had to go through. And I love you too, it’s just different.”
“You mean,
I’m
different,” he said. “Dead.”
“No. I mean, I
feel
differently for you than I feel for Lucas. I love you like my best friend.”
Derek let out a noise of repulsion.
“Yes, I
am
attracted to you,” I admitted. “You’re everything I should want in a guy. You’re easygoing where I’m stubborn. You’re sweet where I’m bitter. You’re perfect for me, but . . .”
“But you still don’t want me,” Derek finished for me. His tone was hard as his skin.
Ugh, that sounds so mean.
I had to try and fix this. “You were right about me. I did love you for all those years and I just couldn’t let myself go, let myself feel it. But Lucas was the one who awakened me. And now, I’m in love with
him
, probably too in love. I’ve fallen way too far, and now he’s left me. I think maybe I’m broken again. I feel broken inside.” Tears crept up on me, and I looked away.
I felt Derek move closer to me on the bed. “I can fix it,” he whispered. “I can fix it, Faith. You know I can. If you know how to let go now, just do it with me.”
“No,” I said firmly. “You can’t replace him. Nobody can. My heart is his. All of it. Always.”
“You feel that way now, but you don’t have to love me right away. We could just try. We could go away together. Like you said, we’re perfect for each other.”
He didn’t get it, he didn’t get that I could never love him like I loved Lucas. Those loves were worlds apart. With Derek it was easy, effortless love—comfortable and calm like the sea breeze. But I loved Lucas like a thunderstorm in my soul—powerful, inescapable, all-consuming love. It was like my heart was staunched before him and when we came together, he opened the flood gates. Now I had this rush of
everything
pouring out of me. Maybe I’d drown in it, maybe I wouldn’t. I didn’t know. All I knew was that I wanted Lucas to be the one I gave myself to. I wanted him to have me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, pleading with him to understand. “I wish I could give you more of myself, but all I have is friendship.” I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “And that’s all I’ll ever have.”
“But he doesn’t even want you anymore,” Derek spat. “He left you. It’s been over a month, when are you gonna get over this guy? It’s getting pathetic, Faith, honestly!”
I recoiled, feeling dryness in my eyes where the tears wanted to form, but couldn’t. The tears were over. Done with.
I launched out of the bed and started shimmying into my jeans.
“What are you doing?” Derek said. “Leaving? Now you’re leaving me?”
I zipped my jeans and swept into the bathroom to grab my toothbrush and other girly crap I stored in there.
Derek was in the doorway, his face a mess of pain and rage. I guess he didn’t know which emotion to feel so he went with both.
“Don’t leave,” he said angrily. “I’m sorry—I just, I thought maybe now we could be together.”
“Ugh! Derek!” I slammed the cabinet shut and brandished my toothbrush at him. “We’re not going to be together, okay? Ever! I was wrong to kiss you. It was a mistake. I’m in love with someone else.”
Derek’s face ripped into a hateful grimace. “So what? If you can’t have Lucas you won’t have anybody, is that it? You’re just gonna go the rest of your life never loving anyone?”