Bloodmark (21 page)

It didn’t make sense that I could feel actual physical pain through Grey. Neither Baran nor Mund mentioned physical pain from being connected like this. Only emotions. We hadn’t finished binding, but I could feel what he felt deep in my bones. His father was punishing him for loving me, and I hated Robert for it.

A shadow moved outside, hiding among the trees, just out of sight. Whatever it was, it wasn’t about to show itself, and I was in no mood for games. I shakily stood up, opening the window. “GO AWAY,” I cried to the moon.

When I looked back, the shadow was gone.

Baran and Mund burst into my room, questions shooting out of their mouths faster than I could process in my broken state. Blinking back the tears, I crumbled to the floor in the fetal position, weeping. I felt Mund scoop me up, and he hummed mother’s lullaby as he rocked me back and forth like a child. My entire body felt lifeless in his arms, and my stomach recoiled from the nausea.

“I can feel him,” I said.

“The emotional connection comes quickly for some bonded pairs,” Baran said.

“No. I
feel
what he feels.”

“You’re feeling the emotions he’s feeling. It can be very overwhelming at first,” Mund replied.

“You don’t understand. I felt him being beaten. I felt every hit, every blow. I felt it.”

“What?” Mund said. “It’s impossible.”

“Nothing is impossible with Ashling, is it?” Baran shrugged.

“It’s never happened before, not that I know of,” Mund said.

“Our little Ashling transcends all reason, realms, and realities.”

I floated in and out of their conversation. I heard them say horrible things about Grey and his father, but I was too numb to respond. Mund even suggested leaving Maine to seek refuge somewhere else. Had I the will, I would have refused, instead I cried myself to sleep.

My tears spilled over my cheeks, and the floor shined like glitter. I ran my finger into the surface of the dark liquid. It was warm as it pooled around my fingertip. It was so beautiful, but what was it? I lift my hand up to inspect the shiny substance that covered my hand, and I quickly realized it was blood. It was all around me. Red and glistening in the tiny bit of light from the open doorway. Was it my blood? My body shook with fear
.

“Ashling, Ashling, shhh now. It’s all right. I’m here,” Baran said as he crushed my limp body into his hard chest. The dream felt real, and the tears were still on my face, but was it a dream, or was it a warning? I gagged air into my lungs as I cried.

“Ylva
, my little she-wolf, I’m right here,” he leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

The sun was bright; it was midday. How long had I been asleep? Had Baran been sitting next to me, watching me dream? Watching the tears seep from my sleeping eyes and the pain ripple through my helpless body? I wonder if he thought I would perish from this earth in front of his eyes.

I tried to speak, but my throat was raw.

Baran said, “Take it slow. I’ll go get you some water.”

He was back before I pulled myself up to sit. He carefully held the cup at my lips and let me drink. Mund burst into my room with Quinn on his heels.

“Ash!” Mund said, running to my side. He crushed me in a hug.

“Ashling,” Quinn said softly. “It’s so good to see you.”

Tegan waddled in with Gwyn’s assistance. The baby must have been due any day—even nine months pregnant, she almost glowed. Had the rest of the family come? I desperately hoped Mother had come. I wondered what she would say about this life of mine. I watched the doorway, but she didn’t show.

They must have all hated me for needing them to leave their lives and come here to take care of me—an emotionally broken teenage werewolf who found the only human who wasn’t only half wolf but half Bloodsucker as well. That sort of tragedy bordered on absurdity. Now that I was back with the living, they could all go home. They shouldn’t have had to been here to see my failures. I had managed to destroy a lot of lives, including my own.

Tegan sat on the edge of the bed, smiling at me. “Hi, Ashie,” she said.

“Hi,” I choked.

“It’s good to see you. I’ve missed you.” Her voice was so sweet, like songbirds chirping. “I wanted you to be with me when the baby comes. Since you couldn’t come to us, we came to you.” I touched my hand to her stomach, and the baby kicked.

“Did you feel that?” she asked. She smiled so beautifully, the joy was clear on her face. She would be a wonderful mother.

I had to be strong for her. I wouldn’t cry anymore. I would hide my emotions from them and carry on. Eventually the pain would numb. I couldn’t let Grey see me like this either. I couldn’t let him see how he had broken my heart. This pain was mine. I had to put myself back together, for everyone, but most of all for myself. Grey had made his choice, and I had to respect that. It was his choice to make. I promised him I would let him go if he chose, even if it killed me. And I knew I should try to find the wolf Calista wrote about . . . maybe there was another love for me. Or at least the partner I was meant for. But how could I ever love another?

“Ashie, do you want Gwyn and me to help you clean up?” Tegan asked.

“No. I can manage,” I said, slowly climbing out of the bed, but a wave of nausea made me dizzy. Gwyn wrapped her strong arm around my shoulders and helped me walk to the bathroom without a word. I hardly knew Gwyn. She visited us at the cliffs only a handful of times, but she didn’t know me. Still, she was here, helping me.

“Thank you,” I said, “I can take it from here.” I gave Gwyn a weak smile and closed the bathroom door after her. I stared at the disheveled girl in the mirror—I looked like hell. My hair was matted and knotted together. I looked gross and worn out. I hated how low I had let myself sink, but I felt helpless to change it.

Tears streamed down my face, but I muffled my cries with my hands so the others wouldn’t hear my pathetic pain. I climbed into the shower still wearing my dress and sat down, letting the water run over my face. I rocked back and forth as I cried. The faces of everyone I had disappointed ran through my head. I was a burden. Nothing had changed; I was still the same outcast on the edge of Ireland.

“Ashie,” Tegan said, entering and shutting the door behind her. “Sorry to intrude on your space, dearie, but I thought you might need a friend right now.” She sat on the edge of the tub, getting her beautiful silver dress wet. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, holding me tight. I rested my head on her knees as she cried with me.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that before she finally let go and started washing my hair, then shut off the water that had grown cold. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me.

“I promise not to tell the others I saw you cry,” she said, squeezing my hand. “I know it hurts, and I can’t say it will go away. But I know you’re strong enough to survive it.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“Come on. Let’s get ourselves dried off.”

She picked out my clothes and left me to change. She quickly returned and sat on the foot of my bed, studying me. I was embarrassed for her to see me this way.

“I wish I could join the school with you, but I can’t with the baby due any day, and I need Gwyn here with me until the baby comes. Mund insisted Quinn also stay home, but Quinn, Gwyn, and I will be here waiting for you every day. We could try to switch you out of your classes with Grey, if you want?” she said.

“No.” The idea of never seeing Grey again hurt nearly as much as having to torture myself by being near him. “Tegan?”

“Yes, dearest?”

“Do you think he still loves me?” I asked, looking up into her bright, extraordinarily blue eyes.

She smiled back at me. “Ashie, I
know
he still loves you.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do. You’ve never seen yourself the way everyone else sees you. I’ve watched you for many years as you’ve grown. You don’t see how everyone adores you.”

“Everyone hates me.”

“They don’t hate you. You have to understand; we are stuck in a very old, traditional world. And you and I are different from them, because we don’t
want
to just stand still and look pretty. You are powerful and a dreamer. They just don’t understand you yet. Someday, you will see what you really are and what the rest of us see in you.”

I didn’t really believe her; I didn’t see any strength in myself, only weakness. I was too weak to resist Grey, too weak to fight Adomnan. I would always be the weak one in my family.

“Thanks, Tegan.” My reply was halfhearted, but I did appreciate her unending love.

“Do you want to go to school tomorrow?”

“I’m ready.”

“Okay. Get some rest, and I’ll help you get ready in the morning,” she said and left the room, leaving me alone with my haunted thoughts.

I didn’t move. I just sat there watching the clouds float by. I had let everyone down, but I kept thinking the same thought over and over again.
I love Grey
. He was all I could think about.

I was such a selfish fake.

Nightfall came, and I wrapped myself in a blanket and leaned my head against the cold windowpane. A shadow moved in the tree line again. Whatever or
whomever
it was, it had returned. It had to know I could see it, but why then did it not come for me? Why wait? I was here for the taking. There was no fight left in me. But it only watched. And so did I.

It never came out of the shadows. All night long, I waited, as did the creature in the shadows. We just watched each other as if we were participating in a never-ending staring contest. There was something comforting about its presence. My own personal stalker, lucky me.

Tegan helped me get ready for school the next morning. She styled my hair and gave my face the perfect natural glow. She handed me a simple dark-denim strapless dress and my brown boots.

“It’s getting colder out,” she said, handing me a cropped green sweater. “Mund will be there all day with you. If you don’t feel right, you can come home sick. I’ll be here.”

“Thanks, Tegan,” I said, forcing a smile for her.

We walked into the kitchen, where everyone waited. They looked as though they were afraid to move or that I may break, but I wouldn’t. Not in front of anyone. I could survive this, Tegan said so. Forcing another fake smile for them, I walked over to Mund. “Ready?” I asked.

“Good morning, Ashling,” Baran said. He looked as sad as I felt. “I think it is time you have a car of your own,” he said, handing me a set of keys.

“It’s in the driveway,” Quinn said.

That was my cue to go look out the window and be excited. So I did, for their sake. In the driveway sat a vintage 1965 Ford Mustang in poppy red. It was the car I had always dreamed of. I had a picture of it on my wall back home. Any other day, I would have truly been excited, but today I gave him all I could muster.

“It’s lovely,” I said.

“I thought you shouldn’t have to wait on anyone anymore,” he said. “Now get to school before you’re both late.” He didn’t like being mushy, but it was obvious I had grown on him over the last months.

“Mund, do you need a ride?” I smiled. A real smile. It felt good even if it was only for a moment.

He laughed. “No thanks, Ash. I’ll follow you there.” He pointed out the window to a new stone-white Jeep. Of course he had to buy himself a flashy vehicle too. I rolled my eyes and walked out to my new car. The leather-covered steering wheel felt good in my hands. I looked around—no sign of Grey. Not that I expected him to come pick me up, but a little bit of me had hoped.

Despite the new car, I couldn’t remember the drive to school. Autopilot took over. I’m not sure what roads I took to get there, but I knew Mund walked into the school with me. My friends saw us and rushed over with the usual list of questions. It seemed no one knew Grey and I had broken up . . . if that was even what had happened.

“Good morning, Ashling,” Ryan said, moving in next to me. I didn’t like his close proximity, but there was a comfort in his presence. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you, but you were gorgeous at the dance.”

My eyebrow involuntarily went up, and I gave him a quizzical look.

“I mean, you’re always beautiful. And you are today too, actually,” he said. “Crap . . .”

“Thank you,” I said, freeing him from his social suicide. “Do you mind walking me to class?”

“Yes. Definitely. Should we wait for Grey?”

“Nope,” I replied.

Ryan didn’t need any other explanation to walk alone with me to class. He fell in step next to me. I knew it was cruel to get his hopes up even the slightest, but I needed his company. And his silly flirtations kept my mind off Grey temporarily. It was a nice escape. Too bad I wasn’t attracted to him.

We stood in the center of the hallway talking, trying to avoid going into our classes as a group of girls walked by and giggled. Ryan was the captain of the football team, which meant girls swooned for him, but Ryan hardly noticed them. He kept his eyes on mine, chatting about this and that . . . I wasn’t really paying any attention. Suddenly he stopped talking and froze midsentence. I turned around to see what had scared him and saw Grey walking down the hall toward us.

He looked so good but so jealous. He was dressed in a pair of ripped black jeans and a faded black T-shirt. His black biker-boots clunked as he walked toward us with a slight chime of the buckle, it almost gave him a Wild West look. I almost expected tumbleweed to blow by. The very sight of him made my pulse quicken. I wanted to run into his arms and smother him in kisses, but instead I focused on keeping my face straight, appearing to be unfazed by his presence. I turned my attention back to Ryan, giving him a radiant smile. It worked; Ryan smiled back.

“See you at lunch, Ryan,” I said loud enough for Grey to hear me as I cut in front of him to walk into class, where we shared a desk. The next hour would be horrible, but at least I knew I was having an effect on him. I took my seat and kept my attention at the front of the room. Ignoring him as he sat down.

“Hi,” he said.

I chose not to reply. Instead I flipped open my book to the page written on the chalkboard. I wanted so much to talk to him, to hear his voice, to touch his hand. Ignore him, I attacked myself. You can’t give in. He broke your heart, remember?