Blue Colla Make Ya Holla (40 page)

“Please, baby? We’re desperate.”

“Why should I care after everything you’ve put me through?” I fought like hell to keep the tears from my voice. Their decisions started me down the path that lead to my current devastation. I wasn’t one to rub the past in people’s faces, but it was way too close to the surface at the moment to suppress.

“You know how sorry we are for what happened. We were just trying to get things straightened out. We didn’t have another choice.”

“You could have sold your body instead of mine,” I growled.

“Oh, baby, you know you were worth way more than me. Please, sweetheart?”

“Fine, I’ll give you two hundred, but this is the absolute last time. Even if I didn’t hate your career choice, I can’t afford it anymore.” Not that I ever could.

“Thank you, baby. We’ll leave the porch light on.”

I pushed off the wall I’d leaned against so many times before and headed to my car.

‡

M
y life had
gone to shit, and I had no one to blame but myself. It was stupid of me to open up to Carter. Making love with—no, fucking him—had been even worse. How could I have been so foolish to believe I was special to him when I wasn’t even special to my own mom and dad? How could I have believed something so beautiful could happen to me and not be a joke?

In the few days I’d known him, I’d been certain he would be the one to get hurt. I tried to prevent it, but in the end, I had been weak. Just when the slightest glimmer of hope started to force its way into my heart, I found out I had been utterly wrong. How could I have not known he’d been playing me the entire time? How had I not realized I’d given him the power to hurt me worse than I thought possible?

The last minute trip to my parents’ current campsite only made my heart hurt worse. Meth had turned them into horrible parents, yet through it all, they had stayed together. Even when they were in desperate need of a fix, they still loved each other; however, their love no longer extended to me. After everything they’d done, it wasn’t fair for them to have some fucked up version of true love in their lives when it was their fault I couldn’t even try without falling on my face. I’d often wondered if they would be better apart—if maybe at least one of them would get clean if they weren’t feeding off of each other’s addictions. However, it was that bond between them that made me think there was a chance they could still be saved.

The sun was still several hours away from rising when I’d gotten home. Longing to escape my new reality, I pulled the covers over my head as I climbed into bed. The beautiful oblivion of sleep was the only thing that could bring me solace at that particular moment. However, just like everything else in my life, the sandman decided to give me a big
fuck you
as well. After tossing and turning for about half an hour, I was nearing the brink of insanity. I couldn’t lay there any longer, so I put on a pair of yoga pants, an extra-large t-shirt, and my running shoes before heading out into the night.

The waning moon was nothing more than a sliver, but I didn’t care that I could barely see. I didn’t even care that the air was cold and damp. I needed something and was going to get it regardless of the fact that it was only a couple of hours until sunrise. Keeping my eyes on the ground, I cut through the park to get to Main Street, which was lined with restaurants, gas stations, and liquor stores—exactly what I was looking for.

An electronic chime sounded when I opened the door, which seemed to wake up the beefy, tatted-up guy behind the counter. If only sleep had come that easy for me. “Help you find something?” he grumbled.

“Can’t sleep. Any recommendations?”

“Sounds like a job for whiskey. Try the Heaven Hill bourbon; back of aisle three. That should do the trick.” Trusting his expertise, I took the short walk to the back of the cramped space, which only had four aisles total. Bottle in hand, I returned to the register and handed him my license before he had a chance to ask. “I normally don’t give a shit,” he said as he looked at my identification, “but you look like hell. You shouldn’t be out alone in the middle of the night.”

“I’ll be all right, I’m a big girl.”

“If you say so, but do me a favor.” He pointed over his left shoulder. “Look straight into the security camera so the cops have a clear shot of your face for the news when you go missing.”

“Ha fucking ha.” Like anyone would even notice if I was missing. “Are you going to ring me up, or what?” This guy made me wish I lived somewhere like New York City. From what I’d seen on TV, most people there wouldn’t bother with the lecture.

He scanned the barcode and returned my license. As I slid my debit card through the machine, he wrapped the bottle in a stereotypical plain brown paper bag. “Be careful, okay? I’ll feel bad if I turn on the news tomorrow and see them pulling your body out of a pond.”

“Thanks,” I said and then took my purchase and left.

After being in the warm store for a few minutes, it seemed much colder outside than it had before I went in. I spotted steam coming from a grate in the sidewalk outside of a nearby building and went to stand over it for a minute. While enjoying the warmth, I opened my bottle, and like a hobo, wrapped the paper bag around its neck.

After just a few swigs, I was beginning to relax. Between the bourbon warming me from the inside, and the steam coming from beneath my feet, I finally felt a little sleepy. With a firm grip on my bottle, I headed back home. The drinking continued as I slowly walked through the park. Before I was even halfway through, I was so tired that I had to sit down. After stumbling around a bit, I found a place that seemed safe enough to rest. I decided to lie down and close my eyes for a few minutes. Just long enough to get enough energy to continue my trek home.

*

It was cold.
Reaching for my blanket, I ended up with a handful of damp grass instead. My eyes popped open and found the trunk of a tree barely three inches from my face. Surprised, I fell onto my back. Taking in my surroundings, I realized I was under our tree. “Fucking moron,” I chided myself. It had never been
our tree
. It had all been a part of Carter’s elaborate rouse to get in my pants.

I remembered walking through the park and stopping somewhere to rest, but I didn’t know if I had been there five minutes or five hours. Looking up through the trees, I could tell the sun was up; I just couldn’t tell how high because of the solid wall of storm clouds.

My stomach churned a little when I tried to sit up. Grasping the ground behind me for purchase, my fingers collided with the bottle. I picked it up and was relieved to find it still over half full. My eyes burned and my mouth tasted like ass, but at least I didn’t have a full blown hangover.

Without putting much thought into it, I climbed up onto one of the few sturdy looking branches of my tree to get off of the muddy ground. When I was safely on the branch that was just slightly over my head when I stood under it, I leaned back against the trunk. I was cold, wet, and covered in mud, but the thought of going home wasn’t appealing.

Just as the cool spring rain started to fall, my foggy brain began processing the events of the night before. I couldn’t fix what happened with Carter. I didn’t have the energy to think about my parents. The biggest problem that I might be able to control was my job.

My goal was to save enough to pay for tuition and books to cover the entire program before I started school. I also wanted to have money in the bank to help with living expenses. When classes began, I wanted to be able to give it as much attention as necessary. I also didn’t want to continue doing illegal activities while attending law school. If I had enough saved, I could get a legal, part-time job to hold me over until graduation.

Working at the club was safe. The interactions were always monitored, and we had the right to refuse service without protection. I couldn’t work in the same capacity at the club, but since I needed a similar income, my only other choices were finding another club or doing freelance work. Maybe I could call Madison and see if Thomas was still in town. She would be able to get ahold of him through his brother, and I knew he would be safe. He wouldn’t be a regular source of income, but it would be a start.

Having made my decision, I pulled my phone from my muddy pocket to dial my friend. Before I hit the send button, something moved in my peripheral vision, startling the shit out of me.

“Hey,” Carter said. Seeing him hurt so much worse than I could have possibly imagined, but I couldn’t force myself to look away.

“Did you follow me?” I asked, my heart still racing from the fright. It was a stupid question since I’d likely been there for hours.

“No, I came here to think,” he said, coming to a stop next to the tree.

“I’ll leave.” I twisted around and jumped to the ground, landing on shaky legs.

“Please, don’t leave. I want to talk to you.” He reached out and steadied me.

“Carter, this is too hard. You don’t have to say anything; I know what I am and what you think of me. I’d rather just call it a day and go our separate ways.”

“No, wait. Please, hear me out.” I turned to face him. “I’ve been thinking, and you were right. You tried to warn me, and I didn’t listen. For what it’s worth, I had no intention of sleeping with anyone last night. My friend chickened out, so I volunteered to take his place because everyone else there was in a committed relationship. I knew some of the others would cheat, so I went back there to let the girl off the hook. They’re always getting on me about my lack of a social life, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to let them believe I scored.”

“You didn’t tell them about me or what we did yesterday afternoon?” His social life had pretty much been comprised of me, for the past week anyway.

“No. That was too special for me to share with anyone. I’d imagined us in this little bubble. When it popped, I lost it.”

“I’m sorry; I never should have let things get so far between us. I knew better.” I turned my head, trying to hide the tears, but I knew he could hear them in my voice. “I just wanted you so much; I wanted to feel normal for once in my life, so I threw caution to the wind.”

He pulled me to his chest, wrapping his strong arms around me. “Shh, I know. It’s okay.”

The warmth from his body felt so right. It felt like home, and I couldn’t let myself get used to it. “But it’s not okay. I ruined it. We could have been friends, and now we can’t even be that anymore.”

“Are you going to keep your job?”

“I’ve been demoted to waitress for the next three months. I’m not going to be able to pay for school.”

Some of the starch left his body. “Do you have enough for at least one year of school?”

I nodded into his chest.

“How about you start with that? You can save during the first year so you can pay for the second.”

“I wanted to be done with this job by the end of the summer. I don’t want to keep doing it while I’m going to school.”

“So don’t. You can work part-time somewhere else. I’ll help you however I can.”

“Wha-what? Why would you want to help me after last night?”

“I was pissed as hell when I heard your voice in that room. After I left and had a chance to cool down, I was able to think things through. I realized neither of us had made any commitments to the other, and you’d been adamant about telling me you couldn’t make a commitment to me.” He twined his fingers through my tangled hair. “Let’s start over. You stick to waitressing, or some other job where men don’t touch you, and I’ll do everything in my power to help you. This time, though, I want a commitment. You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours.”

“I don’t understand why you’d want to be with a whore.” He cringed at my words.

“I’m ashamed of the things I said to you last night. Yes, I was shocked and angry, but there’s no excuse for the way I behaved. I hope you can forgive me. You’re not a whore. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, amazing woman who has lived through more shit than anyone should ever have to. I’m just the lucky guy who was able to see through the walls you put up.”