BLUE ICE (ICE SERIES) (22 page)

              ‘Fuck off, Berkeley.’

              I packed my stuff but got interrupted by his menacing body over me.

              ‘You are coming with me even if I have to carry you to my car. Don’t challenge me, Katherine.’

              Avoiding further gossip around me I decided to go with him. This stalking had to end so I would have to explain that to him. I kept silent the entire trip, I was furious and humiliated in front of my boss, I was going to rip those blue eyes off. But I was still the little lady my mom raised so I waited until we were inside of his apartment to go crazy.

              ‘You fucking have me here, now what do you want asshole?!’

              ‘Watch that mouth of yours, Katherine, I want to know why the hell are you running again?’

              I hadn’t decided what was bothering me the most and that’s exactly why I was avoiding him. ‘There’s no reason Dylan, I don’t owe explanations to anyone. That’s the best part of being alone, you don’t have to be attached, I don’t belong to anyone so I don’t have to explain myself.’

              He was getting even more furious, I could see it in his eyes.

              ‘I thought we were fine, then you came to my office, didn’t let me know and disappeared. We had an agreement, you had agreed to travel with Joe to give me some peace.’ He paced through his living room trying to calm himself. ‘I have a theory.’

              ‘What are you talking about?’ I sat on a chair to watch him walk.

              ‘I think you’re escaping because you are scared! I think that reading that you belong to me scared you and you are such a child that you decided to run.’

              We have a winner ladies and gentleman!
He deciphered that quicker than I thought he would but I didn’t want him to know that I was also jealous. I stood up and shouted at him. ‘You must be fucking kidding me Berkeley. What they wrote is bullshit, everyone knows it, everyone except you! Even Tamara has a better image of this than you!’

              ‘What does she have to do with all of this?’ I had uncovered my jealousy but he didn’t understand what I was talking about.

              ‘I saw her at your office. And we had an interesting chat, she knows even better than you that this is just a sex , no strings attached arrangement.’

              ‘She has nothing to do with us. You can tell me if you’re jealous of her! Is that what all of this is about?’

              ‘No Dylan, I am not, I can’t be jealous because we are nothing!’ Anger was not working for me, so I lowered my voice and acted coldly. This just made him angrier.

              ‘You are impossible! You are fucking heartless, Katherine! I don’t get it! How is it that you don’t feel a thing! You think you can’t inspire feelings, you live there, high, unapproachable, untouchable. Every single time I’ve thought we have taken a step forward, you run backwards! You are a fucking ice!’

              I didn’t expect this, he was throwing my biggest flaws in my face, he was hurting me. I needed to calm myself, I was not about to cry in front of him.

              ‘Have you finished?’

              ‘What?’ He turned to me surprised. He definitely was pursuing a different reaction.

              ‘Have you said all what you wanted to say?’

              He just stared at me, he thought he was going to provoke me with his statements, he wasn’t, not in front of him. I turned around and left, defeated, angry, but mostly sad. Joe was kind enough to drive me home and I cried as soon as I locked myself inside my room. I had cried a lot since I had met this asshole, he had made me cry more than any person I’d met. It was the second time I had cried in years. This was over, he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.

              The next day I didn’t even bother to leave earlier, I didn’t need to hide anymore, we were done. To my surprise just as everyday Joe was waiting for me. But I wasn’t hiding any longer, this was over.

              ‘I’m sorry Joe, but I don’t get what you’re doing here.’

              Joe opened the door for me and followed me out of the building. ‘Taking you to the agency as always, Ms. Bianchi.’

              ‘Sorry Joe, this is over. I really like you, but I’m not following your boss’ orders. Take care of yourself Big Guy.’ I was sad, I was going to miss Joe, he had been nice to me since that day in San Antonio.

              He stopped me with his immense body. ‘Ma’am please, just let me drive you, you can talk to Mr. Berkeley later. He’s a good man and he cares for you.’

              ‘I am not talking to him anymore Joe, please just leave.’ I was too tired to fight and I didn’t want to fight with Joe.

              ‘Ms. Bianchi, this is my job; following his orders, taking care of you and driving you around.  If I don’t ,maybe I would not be needed any longer. Please.’

              I knew what he was doing, playing with my head; but he had been kind with me, so I did what that blue eyed asshole wanted. ‘Don’t think I don’t know what you are doing Joe, this is the last time ok?’

              ‘Yes ma’am.’

              And just as I got into the SUV he continued. ‘And, Ms. Bianchi, I’ve never had a girl assigned before. You’re special for Mr. Berkeley.’

              What the fuck
! The last thing I needed was a fairy god mother in the shape of a football player. Joe was messing with my head but it was a sweet way of doing it. I didn’t know if I believed the special shit but maybe I got into the car because after crying about it being over, this was a way to be close to him.

             
Chapter 18

              As soon as I entered the agency I noticed something weird. On the front desk I saw a peony bouquet. Another was on Mrs. Cherry’s desk, in fact there was one in every desk on my way to my office. Mother’s Day is on Sunday so this couldn’t be that. Maybe a new client or a treat from John. I froze when I opened my office’s door. Hundreds, probably thousands of pink and white peonies, this looked like a fucking peony field. That hot bastard had done it again. I was shaking and I don’t even like flowers. I came to the biggest arrangement in the middle of my desk and opened the little note.

             I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE, FORGIVE ME, DINNER AT 7.

              Joe knew about this, Mrs. Cherry knew about this and now I was becoming an excited fourteen year old girl. This was by far the nicest apology ever but it didn’t change anything. I was still hurt, I didn’t want to be his girlfriend, though I missed him and wanted him to be mine. Maybe I was becoming crazy, because I couldn’t find a good reason to back up my thoughts. I needed a clear head to solve this mess in my mind before seven.

              ‘Mrs. Cherry.’ I yelled from the entrance of my office.

              ‘Yes, Ms. Bianchi.’

              ‘Did you allow someone to turn my office into a peony field?’

I saw Mrs. Cherry blush. ‘I’m sorry Ms. Bianchi, but I’ve always thought that you are an incredible young lady and you have never received anything like this, so I thought this would make up for the years without flowers, you know?’

              Fuck! Even sweet Terry Cherry feels pity for me.

              ‘
It’s ok Mrs. Cherry I just wanted to figure this out. Could you tell every girl in the agency, well, the ones I like, to come and take some of these to their offices? I saw you already have one, but you can take as many as you want. If the guys want some of them it’s cool, just leave the central arrangement here, ok?’

              Mrs. Cherry was insulted by my words. ‘You are just keeping one Ms. Bianchi?’

              ‘Yes, I am allergic and the only important thing is the note after all.’ I smiled at her, giving some hope to her romantic soul.

              ‘Fine…Ms. Bianchi, I don’t know what he had done, the quantity let me know it was something bad enough, but I think he regrets it. I saw him here yesterday, that kid cares for you, he truly does.’

              I smiled at her and turned to my computer. I was not about to discuss this fucked up mess with that sweet old lady. Everything she said was nice, but she wasn’t aware that this had nothing to do with caring and I wasn’t bold enough to explain to her that I had received this number of flowers because of a one night stand that became too intimate way too fast.

              When she left I stared at my center piece. I would have to ingest as much medication as I could, but I was not sending this out. I would never admit it to Mrs. Cherry, but she was right. I had never received flowers before Dylan. I don’t even like them, but he didn’t care, he sent them either way. It was about the intention not my reaction and that was something I loved about him. He didn’t stop because he thought I wouldn’t like it, he acted, he didn’t mess with feelings or thoughts, he just acted. I admired that.

Against my better judgment I texted him:

             AT 7, THANK YOU

              My face was a mess and I didn’t get any work done during the day. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to happen. I hated being angry at him, but I was not about to accept myself as his girlfriend. That was way too much and I was not ready to have a relationship like that. Yes, I know I was 25 and I should be prepared. I was not and I had no time or enough self confidence to discuss that with a shrink. And he was not even asking! My now usual ritual started at 6:30; makeup, hair dressing and waiting. 7 o’clock the SUV was at the entrance.

              Perfect Blue Eyes in a perfect dark blue suit came down to open my door and help me in.

              ‘Hey.’ I walked inside the SUV avoiding the usual too long cheek kiss. I was too vulnerable to be touched.

              ‘Hello Katherine. How was your day?’

              ‘Flowery?’

              He smiled in a discrete way and then remained silent for the ride. I could see he was struggling with this too but apparently he was waiting for privacy before our discussion. He chose a neutral location; a simple pizza place. I knew this was a move to make me comfortable.

              ‘So…’

              ‘So.’ I watched down. For the first time in my life I wasn’t in battle mode. I was waiting, he asked me to come, he had to talk first.

              He arranged his tie nervously. ‘First, I need to apologize, yesterday I said some things that were rude.’

              ‘Nothing that I hadn’t heard before.’ I shook my hand dismissively as if their words hadn’t bothered me at all.

              He continued, now arranging his cutlery just to move his hands. ‘Even though I think some of them are true, I just said that because I was frustrated.’

              Even when some of them are true? Battle mode ON!

              ‘You know what? The only difference between you and the people that had said that before, is that I thought you knew me, that I had shared enough with you that you wouldn’t think that shit about me; but I guess I was wrong. I guess I thought we had shared more than we actually had.’

              He stopped arranging things on the table, he was angry at my response. ‘We have and that’s why I am sorry, but sometimes I don’t know if you even acknowledge me! I just need to know how you feel!’

              ‘How I feel? Ok, yesterday I was hurt! You hurt me, Berkeley!’

              I had said more than what I wanted but he was pushing buttons and I have never been a prudent person. Silence came to the table. After staring for a while, I swear I saw a little smirk on his face.

              ‘Hurting me pleases you, Berkeley?’

              He was definitely smiling now. ‘No, provoking a feeling other than anger in you does, that gives me hope.’

              ‘What are you talking about?’

              ‘I promise I will never hurt you again, but if saying all of that yesterday will crack your wall, then I’m happy I did it.’

              ‘I don’t understand a damn’ of what you’re saying.’ I crossed my arms over my chest defensively.

              ‘You are a pretty smart girl Katherine, you can figure it out.’

              He was talking about feelings and that was a topic that made me uncomfortable, so I decided to change the approach.

              ‘So where are we standing? Have I already bored you?’

              ‘You could never be boring Katherine and we are standing wherever you want us. This is my proposal, let’s take this easy, keep doing what we have been doing and see what happens. I just have one request.’

              ‘And what’s that?’

              ‘You can’t run. If you’re angry, you talk to me, if I hurt you, you talk to me. If this is too much, you talk to me. Ok?’

              He was giving me exactly what I wanted, him without romantic shit attached. I was happy with this, the best of both worlds, my independence and his perfect body over me, but there was still something weird about it. He took my hand in his and started playing with my knuckles, a nervous tic while waiting for my answer.

              ‘Dylan, just promise me that whenever you get bored of me or you want someone else, you will tell me. I am too selfish to share anything with someone else.’

              An appearance from my weak self esteem, but if we were negotiating this was the time to talk about that. He just nodded, a little hurt I thought, maybe I was crossing a line, we weren’t in a relationship, so maybe he wasn’t thinking about exclusivity.

              ‘So I guess now I can eat my pizza.’ After getting what I wanted I needed to go back to normal.

              ‘I guess so Katherine.’

              But the atmosphere was too thick to be normal, we tried our best to change that. I wanted us to be us, the same unbearable, adorable people we were. I hated it but I needed to do something.

              ‘So, let’s talk. Tell me what else you investigated when we met.’