I take a breath and put my fingers to his
button on his jeans and undo them. My fingers tremble. I have not touched
anyone in ten years. It's been me and Leo for eight. He's all I've touched.
He grins, "Don’t I get any stew
before you try to take my pants off?"
I glare at him, "No, you'll throw up
and we don’t waste food here." I don’t appreciate the awkward joke.
He laughs weakly, gripping the couch with
his massive hands. I unzip the pants and start to gently pull them down.
"I would probably be enjoying this
if it weren’t for the unbearable pain. I need to get injured more often."
His stomach flexes, revealing muscles
like I have never seen before. His hipbones stick out a little too much, but
otherwise his body is strong and amazing. He looks like the men on the cover of
granny's romance novels.
I
start to slide the jeans down his hairy legs just below his grey underwear. I
try not to notice his grey underwear or what's beneath them. I try to pull the
pants down but they get caught on his thigh. I grimace. He cries out.
I have seen disgusting things in my life
and as I feel around his thigh for the break I prepare myself for the worst.
Fortunately there is no break, but a
large piece of wood has pierced his leg. I don’t think it's hit the big artery
in his leg. His blood loss is nowhere what it could be if it had been pierced.
I wonder about removing the stick and what damage will be caused. I don’t
actually know where the artery is, I just know there is one.
"Your leg isn’t broken."
He looks down at me, "What? I felt
the bone sticking out."
"It's a stick not bone. A stick must
have stabbed into you. I need some things. I'm going to have to cut the pants
from your body though."
Anna speaks though mouthfuls, "I can
sew them."
"Don’t watch this Jake. Just lie
back and give me a minute to get everything I need."
He nods and lays his head back. I walk to
my bathroom and sit on the earth friendly toilet, my grandpa had installed
because my grandma refused to use the outhouse any longer. It runs when the
weather is good but in the winter it's useless.
I sit and cry in the dark. I look at my
filthy hands. Even in the dark I can see the dirt. I could cause an infection
and he would die from that. I could pull the stick out, rupturing his artery
and he could die from that. I don’t know exactly where the artery is. I wish
I'd read more of the books than I have.
I don't know what my options are, but the
thought of him dying hurts me more than any possible loss I could face, beyond
Leo.
I think about my family and the years of
life experience that have brought to this moment.
I light the bathroom candle and stand to
see my reflection in the mirror. I am a ghostly girl in the muted light of the
candle. My mother's bracelet and necklace glisten in the dark light. I forgot I
put them on when I got home. I lightly touch the metal. I wish she were here.
Not just her, any adult. I don’t want to do what I'm about to do. I grab my
medical kit and take a deep breath.
I walk to the kitchen and pour a pot of
water and place it on the counter, "Boil this now."
Anna hops up and grabs it. She stokes the
fire and puts the pot on it. I am glad I don't have to tell her how to do it.
She is capable. I like her for a moment. I close my heart and turn away from
her. She still has to leave when all of this is over.
I grab the whiskey from the cupboard and
crack the bottle. I've never opened it. I pour some on my hands, it stings a
little. I scrub my hands and pour more on. I dry my hands with a towel from my
fresh laundry pile.
I drink a swig of the whiskey and carry
it to my couch. My throat is burning. I grab a thick blanket and put it under
his leg. He moans slightly. He is falling asleep. I take the scissors and will
my hands to be steady. I cut the fabric away quickly, trying to stay along the
seam to make it easier to sew back. I pull the pants off completely and pass
them to Anna, "The sewing kit is in the bathroom."
I turn back and look around his leg at
the stick. It is about half an inch thick and looks to be flaking slightly.
This might be a problem. It has gone in and broken off. It's gone in deep. I
grimace as I touch the opening of the cut.
I walk to my tool bag and grab a wrench.
I pour the whiskey over it and my hands again. I drink another swig. The fire
is inside my belly now.
Anna returns with the sewing kit and
looks at his leg.
"At least the stick went in to the
side."
I nod and pass her the whiskey,
"He's going to scream when I do this. You need to put a pillow over his
face and hold him down. I will need that boiled water the minute it's ready."
She takes a drink of the whiskey and
nods, "Okay."
I drop to my knees and place the old
wrench around the nub of the stick. I tighten it so the bark makes a very
slight crunching noise. I look at the blanket I have ready and take a deep
breath. Anna goes around to the back of the couch holding a pillow and wraps
her arms around her brother.
I try not to think about what I'm about
to do.
"One, two, three." I pull the
stick hard and fast, ripping it from his leg. He jerks as hard as he can,
kicking me in the face with his other foot. I am suddenly on my back on the
floor.
He screams but his sister and the pillow
muffle it.
I see stars for a moment but find my back
to him. I pick the whiskey back up and pour it all over his wound. He screams
again, ripping the pillow off his face and shoving his sister off of him.
"FUCK! FUCK! WARN ME NEXT
TIME!"
He looks at me like he could rip my head
off. He scares me.
I nod, "I'm going to do it
again."
A tear slips from his left eye but he
nods. His jaw trembles slightly from the pain.
I look at the wound, blood rushes out.
The flow is lazy, it isn’t the artery. I sigh, at least that won't kill him.
I poured more alcohol and mop up the
blood and liquor. I push a towel against the wound and wait for his body's
natural clotting to at least make an attempt.
As I look down at the wound I see blood
dripping onto my hands. I touch my fingers to my face. My nose is bleeding
heavily. I grab the other towel beside me and push it against my face. Leo
nudges me to check. I rub my elbow against his fur to try to soothe him.
"Where did you learn to stitch
someone?"
I look back over at my guest and frown,
"My dad was a survivalist. He made me go to survivor camp every summer and
took me hunting and camping all the time. When it all started he planned for us
to come here. The book shelves are lined with his survival books and
manuals."
She frowns, "Did he come with you or
did you come here alone?"
It flashes in my eyes, my father is
pinned by the truck. He reaches for me and whispers his love. I can see them
coming as I feel his fingers pushing me away. My feet listen to him and start
running. They move against my wishes.
I shake it off and look at her,
"Where are your parents?"
Her eyes blank like mine, "Mom died
of sicknesses in the beginning. She went to work and never came home. She was
part of the first quarantined. Dad, well he's gone. He's gone too." Her
voice quivers a little. I know that feeling.
"They're all gone Anna. All that’s
left is us and them." I almost twitch when I say the words us and them. I
included her in my us.
Her small face is blank. I know that
feeling too.
"Anna." A sleepy voice comes
from the living room.
She is up and out of the bed, before I
can even pull the covers back on my bed.
"He's burning up."
I nod and walk into the room stretching,
"Good. His body is fighting the infection. The bark of the branch was
really flakey. I tried to flush the wound as best as I could but some bark
might still be in there."
I feel a small spark as the back of
my hand rests against the balmy skin of his forehead.
He takes my hand in his. It's a moment of
intimacy I've never had before. I don’t pull away but I don’t know how to
react. He squeezes my hand.
"Hard to thank you when I
don’t know your name."
I feel my hand trapped in his. I look at
him over the back of the couch and smirk, "Emma. My dad called me
Em."
He pulls my hand to him and kisses the
back of it, "Thank you Em."
I feel expressions attempting to cross my
face. I fight them and pull my hand from his sweaty palm.
I walk to the left over boiled water and
pour him a huge glass of it. I pass it to him, "You'll be needing
this."
His blue eyes sparkle. My stomachache is
back.
"Thanks. Thanks for everything. I
know you could have left me in that hole."
I break his stare and look at the
hardwood floor.
"It was nothing." I say.
Anna looks at us and grins, "How old
are you Em?"
I feel my cheeks flush,
"Nineteen."
"I'm sixteen."
I feel sad when she tells me that. I
realize she was six when her mother never came home from work.
"Jake is twenty-one."
I don't know what to add to the
conversation. I don’t have conversations.
Leo senses my awkwardness and saunters to
me. He nuzzles his face into my palms.
"Where did you get him?"
I scratch his huge face and smirk at
Anna, who has already won him over.
"He was at the doorstep one day. I
heard his mother dying in the woods near the house. She got the infection and
died just after giving birth. Her cubs ate her and got the sickness too. Leo
was the only smart one. He never ate her. He found me instead." I try not
to think about having to shoot the baby wolves, as the madness took them.
Anna beams at the large wolf, "He's
huge."
"Very. But he is good company and he
helps out with the chores."
She laughs at that. She is bubbly. I
remember my granny calling kids bubbly. I wonder how bubbly Anna would be if
she had a normal childhood. I wonder what I would be like.
I look at Jake who is sleeping again,
"He falls asleep fast. We need to make him some soup." I walk to the
door and look back at her, "Can I trust you?"
She shakes her head, "No. I like it
here. I will do whatever you want to let me stay but if it comes down to it, I
will sell you out to save my brother."
"Fair enough." I like her
candor. I point to the books on the shelf, "Start with the top shelf.
They're the easiest reading."
She bites her lip.
I roll my eyes, "You can't
read?"
She shakes her head, "Not so
well." Standing next to the huge bookcase teaming with books, she looks
tiny and vulnerable. I know not to let myself believe that. She is a survivor.
The wood paneling of the out dated
cottage is comfortable and bright with the light filtering in the huge windows.
I haven’t seen my cabin for what it truly is, until this moment. Seeing Anna
and Jake in my house makes me realize how lucky I am. I wonder when the last
time they rested on comfortable furniture was.
"The books at the top are easy
reading. Practice makes perfect."
Leo's yellow eyes meet mine. He speaks to
me with his look. He wants to stay with them. He doesn’t completely trust them
either. I can see it in his eyes. I nod at him and walk out of the cabin.
I need grouse or pheasant or wild turkey.
There aren’t a ton of them but I know a sweet spot. The cabin sits surrounded
by huge tall fir trees and brush. Green is everywhere. It made me nervous in
the beginning. It was so big compared to me. I felt the eyes on me from a
million different vantage points. I could see the infected stepping through the
brush, arms reaching for me. Blood running from their eyes and seeping sores
covering their skin. The tattered clothes and the smell would overwhelm me, as
they pulled me to the ground.
I could see the others. I could hear
myself screaming as their greedy fingers bit into my skin and they dragged me
into the woods. In the woods where I would scream like the other girls. The
tearing of the clothes haunted me in the beginning. The infected tore flesh and
the others tore clothes and the sound could swallow you up.
Now I see the greenery and listen to the
sounds of the forest, and know I am safe. The forest is my friend. It was a
tense relationship in the beginning, but it has earned my trust over time.
Like Leo, it has become part of my
family. Where I lost one family, I gained another.
The branches break under my foot but in a
way that keeps the birds chirping and squirrels nattering. It is a gift. I
learned it from Leo. He is able to wander the forest quickly, but in sync with
the woodland creatures.