Bound by a Baby Bump (Harlequin Romance Large Print) (13 page)

‘I think we need to talk about what happens after the baby’s born,’ she started. ‘I need to be in London for the birth, and I can’t see that it would be good for the baby to move around a lot in the first few months. From the advice I’ve read for separated parents, the best thing for a new baby is a consistent routine when it comes to seeing the secondary par—’

‘Secondary?’ She sat back in shock at the sudden hint of anger in Leo’s voice. ‘I’m sorry, when—exactly—did I get demoted?’ His shoulders were fixed into a straight, solid line, and his face was flushed with emotion.

And this was why they’d put it off for so long, she thought. It was a minefield. She tried to keep her own voice calm, to defuse the situation.

‘You’ve not been demoted, Leo. Please don’t think that’s what I’m trying to do. But unless you’ve suddenly grown the apparatus to feed a child then I’ll have to be the primary caregiver. It would be the same if we were a couple, if we were married. It’s just a word.’

He glared at her, and she realised that it wasn’t just a word. Not to him at least.

‘You’re pushing me out.’ His shoulders were still up and his face tense, and she realised he had been building up to this. She’d sensed it occasionally on the phone, an edge of concern and suspicion whenever they skirted around the issues of access and contact. She reached for his hand, wanting to calm the situation, but the contact of his skin on hers made her anything but.

‘Leo, trust me. We are going to find a way that we are
all
happy. All three of us.’

‘And how exactly are we going to do that when you hold all the cards and get to call all the shots?’ He almost hissed the words as he pulled his hand away from hers, and then sat back in his chair and crossed his arms.

‘We make this plan together. Tell me what you want and we will find a way to make it work.’

‘Fine.’ He ground the words out through gritted teeth. ‘I want to be there. I want half the time, half the responsibilities. Half the holidays and Christmases. And I want it legal and in writing.’

‘I don’t understand where this is coming from.’ Bewilderment kept her voice gentle, questioning. ‘For months you’ve baulked at even the thought of a plan or a schedule. Now you’re demanding it? What’s changed?’

‘What’s changed is you demoting me to a secondary parent! What’s changed is you pushing me out.’

‘And you refusing to trust me.’

She rested her head in her hands and took a couple of long, calming breaths. Parents at loggerheads didn’t help any child—they would have to find a way through this.

‘Let’s start from the beginning,’ she suggested. ‘I go into hospital and the baby is born. When do you want to visit?’

‘Visit? I don’t want to visit.’

So starting from the beginning was no help. Was there nothing that they were going to be able to agree on? Leo’s anger had been so sudden and unexpected she had no idea how to handle it.

‘I want to be there for the birth. I want to be a part of everything. I thought I’d made that clear.’

She viscerally recoiled at the thought of it, of him seeing her groaning and exposed. ‘No way. I know we’re going to share a lot, for the rest of our lives, in fact. But can’t you grant me a little dignity?’

‘You don’t want me there.’

‘You’re putting me on the spot,’ she countered, trying to keep up with his arguments. ‘I never even considered you might
want
to be there. I’d already thought—’

‘You’ve already planned. What a surprise. Tell me, then, what have you planned?’

‘I’d like Laura to be there during the birth, and she’s said that she’ll do it.’

He shook his head as if she’d disappointed him, and he’d expected it all along.

‘And where do I fit into any of this? Or am I meant to just miss out on the first few weeks?’ His voice broke, betrayed the fear and despair she sensed behind his anger. If he’d just tell her what was wrong, why he was finding it so hard to trust her, maybe they’d have a way of working this out.

She placed a hand over his, trying to soothe. ‘So let’s agree on something we’re both happy with.’

‘I want to be at the birth.’ For a few moments, all she could see, hear, smell was blood, guts and embarrassment. She swallowed down her automatic refusal.

‘Head end only. If I change my mind on the day you respect my privacy. And I want Laura, too.’

He looked up in surprise. ‘Okay, I can live with that. But when we get home, it’s just the three of us.’

She nearly choked on her coffee. ‘Oh, no, you can’t think that you’re moving in with me.’

Hurt twisted his features again. ‘How else am I meant to be a father? Of course I’ll be there. I’ll sleep on the couch, if that’s what you’re worrying about. I’m not assuming that we’ll...’

She shook her head again. Already able to see the argument she was walking into, and starting to feel shame colour her cheeks. This was something she should have talked to him about. She shouldn’t have assumed that she could decide this without him. But the damage was already done. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, but he seemed to be blindsiding her at every turn, wanting things she’d never imagined he would.

‘I’m sorry, Leo, but I don’t think it will work. For a start, there’s not enough room.’

‘It’s a pretty small couch, you’re right. I’ll buy one of those blow-up mattresses or something.’

‘That’s not what I meant. I mean there’s no room because my mother’s going to be on the couch.’

‘Your mother?’ The words whipped out of him, stinging Rachel with their sharp edges of disappointment and distress. ‘Let me get this right. So far your friend’s going to be at the birth of our child, and there’s no room for me to care for our newborn baby after you come home because you’ve invited your mum to stay. And you still don’t think you’re pushing me out.’

The worst part was, he was right. She had pushed him out. Regret swelled in her chest, and tears threatened at the corners of her lashes. She hadn’t intended to do it, to plan without even making room for him. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think of it that way. I just...I just needed a plan. And I knew I couldn’t push you. And my mum was offering help, insisting really. I didn’t know what to do, so I took it.’

‘This isn’t meant to be about making either one of us happy, Rachel. Or your mother—or Laura, for that matter. It’s meant to be about what’s best for our child.’

‘You really think you have to tell me that? That I’m not thinking about what’s best for him every single minute? I can’t believe you would accuse me of that.’

‘And you don’t think that what he needs is
both
his parents? Unless you can give me a very good reason why my being there is bad for our child, I’ll be moving into your apartment. If there’s not room for your mother, too, then she can book into a hotel. But my need to be with my child, and my child’s need to be with his parent, trumps hers.’

She rubbed her face in her hands, knowing that he was right.

‘I can see from your face that you agree with me.’

‘I’m sorry. Of course you can stay. I’ll speak to Mum.’

And with that concession, the fire fell out of both their arguments. Leo’s shoulders softened, and he reached out a hand for hers. ‘Thank you. I just don’t want to miss anything. Not a minute.’

‘I know, Leo. But I’m not the enemy. I don’t know why you can’t trust that I just want what’s best for our child.’

‘I do.’

‘That’s not what you were saying a minute ago, when you were talking solicitors and formal access.’

‘Then don’t make plans without me.’ He grabbed a sheaf of his sketches and spread them out on the table. ‘Here. Everything that was in your plan, as I remember it. Well, almost everything.’

She looked over the sheets and realised what he meant. There was nothing about ‘no sex’ here. She glanced up at him. Was it not here because he didn’t want it to be? Or because they had both been so vehement about it before that he thought they didn’t need it. She wasn’t sure what she had to say about it anyway. She was still bristling a little from his accusations.

‘So you’ve told your parents about the baby.’

She looked up at him, shocked by his question. ‘Of course I’ve told them. He’ll be here in a few months. I wasn’t just going to turn up with him after he’s born.’ And then something occurred to her. ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t told yours...’

He held up his palms in a sign of defeat. ‘I haven’t really known where to start.’

‘How about,
Mum, Dad—I’ve got some brilliant news
...?’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘Is that how the conversation went with your parents?’

‘Actually, I used those exact words.’ She’d chosen them carefully, hoping that they might pre-empt her parents’ concern.

It had taken her a couple of weeks to build up the courage to call her parents, knowing how much they were going to worry over her, sensing how that worry was going to threaten her own peace of mind. But eventually she had picked up the phone.

Once her mother had regained the power of speech, a flood of concern had followed. Why hadn’t they met this man? Were they in a relationship? Had someone taken advantage of her? Had she informed the police?

Rachel had moved the phone away from her ear, trying to let their worries fall between the phone line and her brain, not letting them in. It was only when they started talking about getting in the car and coming to support her through this ‘traumatic time’ that Rachel realised that she had to put a stop to this.

‘Mum, Dad. Please listen. I didn’t take unnecessary risks. I wasn’t taken advantage of. I’m thrilled about this baby, and I’d like it if you could be pleased for me, too.’

Stony silence.

Eventually they’d given muted congratulations, but Rachel had known as she’d hung up the phone that they would let their concerns about how their first grandchild was conceived spoil their excitement.

But Rachel wouldn’t. She’d told them that it was brilliant news, and she’d meant it. Because however she might feel about Leo, she was in no way confused about what she felt about their baby. She supposed it was too much to hope that her parents would see it the same way.

But at least she’d told them. And apparently Leo hadn’t even bothered to do that.

‘You’ve told them nothing?’

His body language closed up, his arms crossing over his chest as he pushed his chair back from the table. She wondered what it was about his family that made him so...defensive. Like an animal that had been hurt before and was determined to avoid it happening again. Did this all come back to his brother, and school? ‘It’s not like we talk a lot.’

‘And you didn’t think that the fact that you’re expecting a baby is something worth phoning home about?’

‘You don’t understand, Rachel.’

‘Then tell me.’ She leaned forward, making it impossible to escape into the space he’d created for himself. Impossible for him to run from her. ‘Explain what’s going on, because I don’t understand, and if I don’t understand, then how can we make it better?’

‘There’s nothing to tell.’ The arms folded tighter. ‘It’s not a big deal.’

‘Of course it’s a big deal.’ She couldn’t let this drop, couldn’t see something causing him pain and walk away from it as if she didn’t care. This man had been on her mind every day for the past six months. Every day since they’d met, her heart had grown a little closer to his, as their lives had entwined, until she wasn’t sure where hers ended and his began. And every day, she’d cared a little more, and her hurts and his were as tangled as their lives.

‘We’re having a baby in three months’ time, and you haven’t told your family about it. It makes me worry about you. That there’s something wrong that I don’t know about. Something hurting you. Is this something to do with what happened at school? Because your father wouldn’t pull you out?’

He sighed, and when he spoke his voice shook a little. ‘That’s part of it. But I wasn’t going to put it off for ever.’

The tremble in his voice nigh on broke her heart, seeing this big tough guy, moments ago demanding to be put through the trials of the birthing suite, cowed and afraid of talking to his family. ‘But ignoring it isn’t helping, either. When are you planning on telling them?’

‘Tomorrow. It’s Mum’s birthday. She called this morning and told me she’s having a family lunch tomorrow. Wouldn’t take no for an answer. She asked me if there was anyone I’d like to bring and I thought that this might be as good a time as any...’

She snorted a gentle laugh at his naive plan, that they would just walk in there with her big belly and that would be that, while trying to fight down her panic at this sudden swerve to their weekend. But Leo’s serious face and lines borne of worry and fear firmed her resolve. He needed her there with him. She couldn’t let him down just because she was uncomfortable with surprises.

‘This is your family, your problem, so we can do this your way. No plan required. I’m not going to tell you what you should do. But I think talking with them could be a good thing. The very fact that you don’t want to makes me think that it’s a bigger deal than you’re letting on.’

‘Sometimes you’re too smart for your own good. You know that?’

He spoke with a smile, and she held his gaze for a moment longer than was strictly friendly. And then she couldn’t look away. She could feel something building between them. Something warm and strong that started in her belly and reached out through her fingertips, jumping the distance he’d put between them and pulling her in. His fingertips stretched out on the tabletop and just brushed against hers. She held back a gasp at the prickle of awareness concentrated in the pads of her fingertips, and pushed them a little harder into the grain of the wood. Schooling them not to grab him. Because that was what every hormone-fuelled impulse in her body was screaming at her to do. To grab that hand, seize the heat simmering between them and bury the remnants of their harsh words and misunderstandings in a kiss. Or, preferably, more.

But when Leo reached a little further, and buried her palm in his, his touch wasn’t sensual. His eyes shifted, and it was pain, not desire, in his features. Her own momentary desire morphed into compassion as she read his change in mood.