Bound by a Baby Bump (Harlequin Romance Large Print) (16 page)

He held on to the bench, trying to anchor himself, trying to suppress the energy coursing through his muscles, forcing him to keep moving. He grabbed a block of wood and a file and started hacking away at it, willing some form to emerge. Some shape or texture to distract him from the tempest in his mind.

It wouldn’t come. Of course it wouldn’t. He was in no mood to create. His body was so filled with rage and sadness and regret that he could barely make his hands move where he wanted them, never mind let them find beauty in something.

He threw the block of wood down, angry with himself for the waste of something that had so much potential, and which had been sacrificed for no reason other than that he couldn’t think of any other way to rid himself of these overwhelming emotions.

Where could they go from here? He’d told Rachel that they were making a mistake. That they shouldn’t try to be a family. But this baby was coming, and he’d not for a second wished it weren’t. This wasn’t about the baby. His heart still felt a little fuller, his spine a little straighter and the corners of his mouth a little higher when he thought about his child growing inside Rachel. He could not and would not walk away from his responsibilities as a father.

That wasn’t what scared him. It wasn’t the prospect of being a father that had made him panic—that had made him feel as if the structure of the car were closing in on him, as if he’d inadvertently driven into a crusher at a scrapyard.

It was the prospect of a lifetime with Rachel. Because however much they might tell themselves that they didn’t need to make decisions like that now, however much they thought that they could take things slow, like other people, date, get to know one another, find out what these feelings they had for one another meant, this situation was different. In their lives, you didn’t get to walk away if things became hard. If she hurt him—if she betrayed him—he would still have to endure a life with her in it, and he wasn’t sure that he could bear that.

And how could he know that she wouldn’t hurt him? He’d thought he was safe, once. Thought that as long as he had people around him that loved him, he would be okay. When the bullying had started at school, he’d told himself that it would be all right. That his brother would look out for him. That his dad would intervene if it got too bad.

And the day that he’d found out that Nick was at the heart of his being tormented, his faith in family, and trust, and love, had shattered. If he couldn’t trust his own brother not to hurt him, then how could he ever trust anyone else?

He could never trust her. And if he couldn’t trust her, they’d never be happy. They were best off acknowledging that now. Trying to find a way to get along with neither of them getting involved emotionally. With neither of them getting hurt.

He’d got too close already.

He glanced out of the window, saw that the fingers of light that were still tinting the sky pink when he’d left the car had long left the beach, which was now pitch dark. The stars and moon were eerily bright and reflected in the still, flat sea. He locked up the workshop, faltering over the action, stretching out the task, unwilling to return to the house. Would she be there? He didn’t deserve for her to be, that was sure. He didn’t even know if he wanted her to be.

But he wanted her. That much was true. He wanted to lose himself in her body. Comfort himself with her nearness and warmth. To bury his face in her hair and forget about the world. To enjoy her just for now without having to think about tomorrow. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right. But it was the only thing he could think of that would ease the ache in his chest.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

T
AP
-
TAP
-
TAP
. Tap-tap-tap-tap.

Rachel hit the end of her pencil on her desk as she scrolled through her inbox, trying to locate the email she needed. She knew it was here somewhere. She just needed to focus. But there was the problem. With her personal life in chaos, it was impossible to concentrate.

She needed to fix it. Any other problem in her life she considered the options, found the best solution, implemented it. Christmas had come and gone with barely more than a text from Leo, leaving a heavy lead feeling in her belly, somewhere low and hard to hide from. Leo had apologised for his harsh words. For the fact she’d felt she had to leave. But there was more to say. The days were crawling by in a grey fog, and she’d had enough of the uncertainty. She couldn’t begin the new year sitting doing nothing, not knowing. She wanted answers, and she’d have to go and get them.

The office would be closed for the weekend and bank holiday, giving her the perfect break in her schedule.

The shrill sound of her mobile grabbed her attention, and she groaned as she glanced at the screen. Mum.

Christmas with her parents, the first time she’d spent more than a day with them since she’d met Leo, had been something of a challenge. Far from the unquestioning support she’d hoped for from her mum and dad, every conversation about the baby had been so full of doubts and worries that she’d found herself driven crazy before the end of Boxing Day. And now, no doubt, her mother was calling to ask her—again—if she was sure that she wouldn’t come to them for the new year. She should be taking it easy, she’d been told a thousand times in the last week. Shouldn’t be out partying with her friends, or schlepping down to Dorset. She should be at home where she could be looked after—wrapped in cotton wool and stifled till she couldn’t breathe, more like.

She took a deep breath and hit answer, preparing for another heavy round.

‘Hi, Mum.’

She rubbed the heel of her hand against her forehead as she listened to her mother repeat everything she’d heard over Christmas. Get lots of rest...we’ll be able to look after you...won’t have to lift a finger...London so unpleasant on New Year’s Eve.

For a moment, she considered telling her that she wasn’t planning on being
in
London for the rest of the day, but somehow she didn’t think that the idea of her getting on a train down to Dorset was going to do her mum’s nerves any favours.

Eventually, when her mum had exhausted all possible worries for that weekend, she turned the subject to her current favourite: asking Rachel to reconsider having her come and stay after the birth.

‘I really think that it would be best, darling. I know that Leo wants to be there, but what does he know about babies? There are so many risks in those early days. So much to learn. Keeping the temperature moderated, getting those feeds done right. And if something goes wrong...have you seen the statistics of sudden infant deaths?’

‘Mum, that’s enough.’

Rachel found that she was standing at her desk, having stood up on impulse. Her mum was only worried. But her worrying was so far over the top it was unbelievable. And the last thing that Rachel needed in order to be a calm, capable mum herself was scaremongering.

‘Leo and I have made a decision together, and you’re going to have to accept it. Of course we’d love you to visit. But this is our child, our decision, and you’re going to have to let us make our own mistakes. All these years you’ve been trying to protect me, it’s made things worse. Made it so that I can’t recognise which dangers are real and which I’ve created. I won’t go on that way, and I won’t have my child growing up as afraid as I am.’

She sat back down, and concentrated on softening her voice as she spoke again. Her mum’s shocked silence on the other end of the phone spoke volumes, and Rachel felt guilty, knowing her mum had only ever wanted what was best for her.

‘I’m sorry, Mum, I didn’t mean to shout. But you have to let me do this my way.’

There was another long silence at the end of the phone, and then a sniff. But Rachel held her ground, knowing that she had to stand by her words if she wanted this relationship to work. Eventually, her mum spoke. ‘I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t know you felt that way. We’ve only ever wanted...’

‘What’s best for me. I know.’ Rachel breathed a long sigh, relieved that her mum was still talking to her, and more importantly could see her point of view. ‘But really, truthfully, Mum, what’s best for me is letting me make my own mistakes, my own decisions. And trusting me to know what I want.’ After a few more minutes, Rachel made her excuses, knowing that if she was going to get down to Dorset she would have to head off soon.

She looked back at her emails, and finally found the one she’d drafted to Leo, letting him know she was coming. She’d held off sending it, not sure whether warning him was the best thing to do. Because giving each other time to think about what they were going to say to each other wasn’t working so well right now. Leo had retreated into a polite, distant, paler version of the man she’d known. Sending careful words over email and text, not the funny, impulsive, challenging humour she’d grown to love. And the only way she could think of to shake them out of this stalemate was to turn up at his place and have it out with him. She hovered over Send, before making up her mind. Better just to turn up. She hit Delete instead and shut down her computer.

Pulling on a scarf and fleece-lined gloves, she approached the revolving doors to the street, using her teeth to pull on the second glove—why did no one warn you about the third-trimester swollen fingers? Juggling the handle of her wheeled case and lifting the strap of her handbag over her head, she pulled harder on the glove, and nearly lost her balance when she walked straight into something tall and solid.

She swayed, trying to re-find her centre of gravity, not as easy as it used to be, but a big, heavy hand found the middle of her back and held steady until she got her footing.

She drank in his damp hair, the heavy wool coat and the familiar blue sparkle of his eyes. For the past few weeks she’d been convinced that he never wanted to talk to her again. And given the way they’d left things, if they weren’t expecting a child together her wounded pride might have tempted her to leave things that way. She’d thought that it would be a challenge even getting him to speak to her tonight. Now he was at her office, wearing an open expression and a tentative smile, and she had no idea what to make of it.

But, what if he wasn’t here to see her? She felt a little flush of colour rising on her neck as she remembered the last time he’d surprised her at her office. She’d mistakenly jumped to the conclusion then that he was here to see her, and she wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. Wouldn’t show her cards before she knew what he wanted. There had been enough humiliation and hurt.

‘Leo? What are you doing here?’

‘What do you think? I’m here to see you. To apologise for...for the last time I saw you. And to show you something. Something important.’

There was a time that knowing he wanted to see her would have started a fizz of desire and anticipation. Today, there was too much still standing between them, too much doubt and distrust weighing on her emotions. Seeing him still halted her breath in her throat, made her want to reach for him, but when she didn’t know what she wanted from him, what she wanted for herself, then she couldn’t know if that was a good thing.

He glanced down at her case. ‘Going somewhere?’

She dropped the handle, had almost forgotten she was holding it. For a split second, she thought about lying. But what would be the point? Ten minutes ago she was set on going to see him to talk things through. What good would chickening out now do?

‘To see you, actually.’

His face broke into a full smile, lips turned up, eyes twinkling, cheeks creasing into fine lines with the breadth of his grin. She remembered all the times one of these full-wattage smiles had created a mirror image on her own face. Today, it made her shoulders tense. He was practically bouncing now, exuding barely repressed energy. He was so different from the silent, icy man she had left seething in his car, and the change in him was unsettling. She had been prepared to do battle with taciturnity and now he was grinning at her. What had happened?

‘I was coming to talk,’ she told him, keeping her voice carefully neutral. ‘We can’t leave things like we did last time. There’s too much at stake. Too much for us to decide.’

‘Absolutely.’ His expression turned serious, but the sparkle didn’t leave his eyes. ‘There’s so much I want to say. I wasn’t sure whether you’d listen.’

She glanced around her. People were still milling about in Reception, the atmosphere festive and full of anticipation.

‘Okay, but I don’t want to do this here.’

* * *

Rachel lowered herself onto her couch, letting out an involuntary sigh of relief as the weight left her feet.

‘Long day?’ Leo asked, dropping beside her.

‘They’re all feeling long lately.’

His eyes held hers for long moments, and as she watched they softened from frantic energy to something gentler and more intimate. ‘Were you really coming down to my place?’

She nodded and looked away. His gaze was too intense; he saw too much.

‘You wanted to talk?’

‘I think there’s a lot we need to say.’ She shifted on the couch, trying to get comfortable. She shoved a cushion or two behind her back to combat the ache there, but they pushed her closer to Leo. She could have moved to the armchair, or could have asked him to move. But sitting close to him was making her body glow in ways she’d forgotten about in the past few weeks, drowned out by the hurt of his words and withdrawal. She stayed put, telling herself that as long as they weren’t actually touching, then she was in no danger.

She focused inwards, trying to block out the quickening of her pulse, the way his scent was tickling at her senses. Eventually she spoke, repeating the words she’d rehearsed before she’d left for work that morning. ‘Leo, we need to talk about what we’re going to do. How you want to be involved with your child. We can’t go on like the last few weeks.’

She’d thought long and hard about what she was going to say to him. Whether pushing him to talk was the right thing to do. But Nicholas Fairfax had been allowed to get away with too much for too long. She wasn’t going to let him ruin her life from a distance without fighting for what she wanted. And she’d sworn she couldn’t walk away from the wreckage of her and Leo until the ashes were cold and there was no hope of them reigniting. Now, faced with a Leo so different from the man she’d last seen, her carefully thought-out plan didn’t seem to apply. No change there, then.

‘I need to apologise. I know I’ve already said it, but I need you to understand how sorry I am for what I said. I should never have attacked you, or your family, like that, and I’m sorry. I don’t think we’re making a mistake, having this baby, and I think that we can be wonderful parents.’

She was so shocked by this speech that it took her a few moments to gather her thoughts and translate them into words.

‘Thank you for apologising.’ She had to stop a sigh of relief escaping her lips as he spoke. She had told herself ever since that horrendous afternoon that he had been lashing out because seeing his brother had brought up more bad memories than he could handle. But deep down she’d wondered if that was all there was to it. Whether seeing his family had merely provided the excuse that he’d been looking for to escape from her and their child. The future that they promised.

But seeing Leo here, looking happy and open in a way she’d never quite seen him before, she felt as if her worst fears were quietened, and she let herself hope, for the first time, that they could find a way back to that steamy night after the gala, the intimacy and tenderness they’d shared that night in his house by the sea.

‘I’m sorry, too, Leo.’ Because the blame wasn’t all his. The way that she had interfered with his family, when he’d specifically asked her not to, had played on her mind since that afternoon. If she’d gone into that confrontation less determined to make Nick pay for what he’d done, had helped Leo, rather than forcing the issue, then they could have found a way to change things without reaching breaking point. ‘I made things worse with Nick.’

Leo shook his head.

‘No, you did exactly the right thing.’

She wished that she could believe him, but that hadn’t been what he’d said when he’d left her alone in a dark, cold house, and told her that he didn’t believe in their new family.

‘I don’t understand...’

‘Nick. I should have faced him down years ago. You were right about my parents. They knew something was wrong. I went home for Christmas. Ignored Nick’s usual behaviour on Christmas Day, Boxing Day. And then I couldn’t take it any more. I thought about the way that you faced him. How you pulled him up on his insinuations and snide remarks and decided that he shouldn’t get away with it. I confronted him and my parents practically applauded.’

Rachel smiled, imagining the scene, unbelievably proud of Leo for doing the one thing he’d feared most. ‘That’s brilliant, Leo. I’m so glad you were able to talk to your parents about things.’

‘But that’s not all.’ He reached across the sofa for her hand, gripped her fingers and pulled her a little closer to him. ‘After I’d done it, all I could think about was how I’d let you down. How I’d let Nick get to me until I barely knew what I was saying. I’d let him spoil what we had, and I had to fix it. I want you back, Rachel.’

‘Leo...’ The change in him was so obvious that there was no point disputing that his confrontation with his brother had resolved so many of his issues. But Leo suddenly deciding that he wanted to try again wouldn’t be enough to make this relationship work. Maybe he’d been right. They were crazy to think that they could just try and mash their two lives together and think that they could make a family from it. ‘I’m really pleased things are better with your family. But I don’t think that us as a couple is going to work.’