Noooooooo! No, no, no, no, nooooooooo!
I turn away and drink lustily.
“All right! Go, Ashley!” Fernando laughs. I empty the glass and reach for the second. Gulp gulp. Gulp gulp. Open the hatch. Like when we used funnels in high school. Get drunk as soon as possible. Done. A mild heat rises in my face and I feel impossibly full.
“Shots? Anyone?” I ask, already climbing out of the booth.
Get up, away from Mikal.
I head for the bar and Ferni and Chelsea are right behind me.
“I still have twenty minutes on the clock,” Chelsea explains.
“That’s all right, sweetie, join us when you’re done. We’ll be right here,” Fernando says. Easy to see why girls fall for him, the bad boy action hero. Turning to me, he says, “Wow, he kind of flipped out, man. I didn’t mean to razz him.”
“It’s cool. Mikal is just….” I catch myself smiling as I glimpse him sitting alone in the booth over Ferni’s shoulder.
“Just what?”
“Just on edge. Ferni, let me explain something to you. I know it doesn’t bother you one bit if someone is gay or straight. I don’t know what Mikal’s deal is, but I know as a guy who likes guys it isn’t easy. Even if the whole world was cool with it, you have to be cool with it yourself. It’s hard to be trusting once friends have burned you. Imagine you had three testicles. Other people might not give a shit, but until
you
don’t give a shit, you don’t necessarily want it to be dinner conversation.”
“Ashley, that is one whacked-out analogy. All right, man, I’m sorry. I just see two guys who are obviously into each other. One is hung up on being ‘straight’ and the other is with a guy that doesn’t seem to treat him that well. I just say cut the bullshit and get on with it. Or am I wrong and you’re not looking over my shoulder at him right now?”
“Man, you need to back off a bit. You don’t know Chris, and you don’t know about our relationship. I was looking at Mikal because—”
“All right, Ashley. Whatever you say, brother. I’m looking out for my friends too. I just want you to be happy,” Ferni says. “You think you’re going to be okay with tomorrow’s shoot?”
“I’m not getting plastered, man, just a little buzzed. Don’t worry about me.”
“That’s not what I mean. Haven’t you seen the call sheet?”
“No, I forgot to look when we left LA. Who’s working?”
“You know how Otter Fashion likes to push the envelope, right? Seems I’m not the only one who thinks you and Mikal have some heat.”
“Fernando, what are you talking about?”
“Well, the call sheet has just you and Mikal listed. Day off for everyone else. It read ‘Ashley & Mikal. 2:00 p.m. The kiss.’”
“What?”
“I don’t know, brother. Everyone was talking about it. I figured you knew.”
“Seriously? They aren’t going to have two boys kissing.”
“You’ve seen the catalogues. It’s all a little gay. I wouldn’t be surprised. If you have issues, you should call Marc at Production.”
“I’m going to. This is crazy. They didn’t talk to me.” I dial Production on my cell and am sent to voice mail. Of course, who would answer at 11:00 p.m. on a Friday? I march over to Mikal, who’s still looking into his beer. “Hey, do you know what’s going on tomorrow?”
“What d’ya mean?”
“The shoot. The kiss?”
“Yeah, I saw that. 2:00 p.m., right?
“Mikal, this isn’t a big deal to you? Why didn’t you say something to me?”
“I thought you saw the call sheet, Ashley. I didn’t think tonight was the right place to talk about it, with Ferni and all.”
“So when were you planning on saying something to me? Right before we went into a lip-lock?”
“Ashley, I don’t think it’s like that. I just think they like that I’m dark and you’re blond. Marc explained it as a brotherly thing.”
“What brothers kiss, Mikal? It’s crazy!”
“Okay, separate the personal stuff for a minute. It’s amazing marketing. It could be the most talked-about tear sheet this year. Think of what it could do for our careers. Everyone will be calling. Versace, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada….”
“My mother, my father, every friend and relative who doesn’t know I’m gay,” I say. “What about you? You freak out at Fernando earlier because you’re in the closet and tomorrow you’re going to kiss me for the camera and all the world to see?”
“What a better way to come out?”
I release an exasperated breath. “You can’t be serious.”
“It’s not like because we do that shoot we’re gay. We’re just models who kissed in that campaign.”
“No, Mikal, trust me. We do that shoot, we’re gay. No question anymore. At least in the eyes of any talent agent, manager, casting director, and producer who sees it!”
“Why the fuck does it matter? It’s not like your entire career hinges on tomorrow. Everyone’s gonna figure it out eventually.”
“Maybe I’m not ready for everyone to have me all figured out. I’ve just arrived in LA. This has been my dream since… forever! I need a little time to figure out the right moves. I don’t want to fuck up my chances of future work because of one shoot.” I sink into the booth and rake a hand through my hair.
“I thought you were out, Ashley.”
“I am. Recently. Doesn’t mean I don’t care what people think. Doesn’t mean I know what the fuck I’m doing. I’ve been telling people. Slowly. That shoot just sounds a lot like ripping off a Band-Aid.”
“Maybe it won’t be so scary if we do it together.” Mikal reaches across the table to take my hand, but I pull it back.
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. This is some kind of joke, right?” His face doesn’t change. “Mikal, what the hell’s the matter with you? Nobody—okay, nobody but Ferni would ever think you might like guys…. Why do you want to risk your career?”
“’Cause I’m tired of all this shit. I’m tired of hiding. I’m not me, Ashley. I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be. I’m just fuckin’ tired of playing the game. I don’t think the sky is going to fall if we kiss for the campaign tomorrow. I don’t think we’re gonna lose jobs. If anything I think we’ll probably get more calls for work. People can think whatever they want. I don’t want to care so much anymore, it’s exhausting. I pretend for a living, and that’s okay. I don’t want to pretend in my real life. I look at you, eighteen, have a boyfriend, you got it figured out. You’re cool with it all.”
“First off, buddy, I’m hardly ‘cool’ with the whole thing. Yeah, I have a boyfriend, I think. I mean he’s moved to the other side of the country and forgot to let me know.” I chew the inside of my cheek and take a moment to collect my thoughts. “Coming out hasn’t been easy. I’ve hidden who I am from a lot of people. With every new person I meet, I run through this algorithm of scenarios, guessing and second-guessing how they might react.”
“Some even think it’s our fault, like we chose to be different or something.”
“Trust me, growing up in a small Canadian town where everyone was obsessed with hockey and I just had crushes on the players, I did not choose this. It’s not like I didn’t try. I dated girls; I had sex with girls. I’d just rather be with a guy.”
“Me too. I mean I’m pretty sure that’s what I want. It’s hard to say I love to swim when I’ve never got my toe wet.” Mikal looks at me and half smiles, then looks down at his beer, embarrassed.
I watch him as he draws circles on the table with his thumb. My heart tightens. I’ve been thinking all about me. My anxiety. My stress about this whole shoot. If Mikal can man up to the task and face his fear, then I damn well can too.
“What if we do it?” I raise an eyebrow.
“What if?”
There is a brief pause when we catch eyes. Those beautiful green flickering lights set in rich olive skin. Don’t look at his… lips. Impossibly full. Impossibly pink. There is nothing I’d rather do than spend a day kissing him. Forget a day. I could kiss him for my whole life looking into those eyes. Always in half-bewildered glee that this perfect man is with me. The roller coaster is starting in my stomach again….
I grab on to the table with both hands. “I don’t know if it’s the beer or nerves. I’m excited but—”
“Terrified?” Mikal slowly grins and his eyes twinkle. “Yeah, me too.”
“Are we doing this?” I ask slowly.
He bites his lip and then smiles that mischievous megawatt grin. I feel faint. It’s either Mikal or the beer. Probably both. I get out of my seat and walk around the table, noticing how he never takes his eyes off me. I must be blushing now. I’m sure he notices that too.
“What if I’m a crappy kisser?” I say, sliding into the booth next to him.
“You’re not. Anyone as hot as you has had practice.”
I give Mikal a playful shove. “Back to the shoot. What exactly do you know?”
“I know that you look amazing right now, even if your eyes are glazing over.”
“Pssshhh,” I say, pushing his words away with one hand in the air.
“And I know being down here is a big deal to you. It’s your first big job, you want to do well. I respect that. It’s okay to be nervous, we should give ourselves permission to feel that. I want tomorrow to be great for both of us, professionally and personally. It’s our own little coming out party.” Mikal chuckles, but then continues in a serious tone again. “I know that you still haven’t heard from Chris and how that must hurt. I know that you are a stand-up guy. And I also know I’m up every night thinking about you.”
“Mikal, I…. You’re drunk. And I was asking if you know the specs for the shoot. Location, what we’re wearing? If we actually kiss or just are like close or on the forehead or something,” I say, flipping the conversation back to business.
“Right, I know. I just wanted you to know that other stuff too. All right, specifics. It’s on a big bed at the beach. We’re wearing boxers, boxer briefs, and briefs, sometimes. It’s for the underwear line. I think they actually want us to kiss.”
“Wait, did you say boxers, briefs, sometimes?”
“No, I actually said, ‘boxers, boxer briefs, briefs, sometimes.’”
“Okay, smart ass. Do you mean they want us naked for some of it?”
“Maybe like you lying on my chest with your underwear off. I’d have mine on. Or the other way around. On the bed or on the sand.”
“Just balls to the wind? Yeah, you’re right, people will talk about this campaign. How are we selling underwear if it’s not on?” I ask.
“It’ll be in the shots. Maybe around your ankles.” Mikal laughs.
“I don’t believe this. So what’s the plan, then? I thought we were staying for the weekend.”
“Well, we have a room here tonight and we’ll head back in the morning. Hit the gym then head to set.”
“We should talk to Ferni and go pretty soon. We need to practice.”
“Sounds good. You get Ferni and we’ll…. What?”
“We should try it a couple times for tomorrow. Don’t want anything to look awkward. That all right?” I ask. Shit. Here comes another loop on the roller coaster in my stomach.
“Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like a good idea. Make sure we’re prepared. Sure, Ashley.”
I stand and walk toward the bar to find Fernando. My stomach is flipping, and I’m giving a concerted effort not to trip. I can feel Mikal’s eyes on my back. “Yo, Ferni! Mikal and I want to head out pretty soon. You want to come?”
“Naw, I’m gonna hang here with Chelsea for a bit. She’s got a place on the beach a couple blocks from here. I’ll probably crash there.”
“Wow. All right, buddy. We have to leave tomorrow morning around nine.”
“I’ll be there,” Ferni says, wrapping an arm around my shoulder for a squeeze. “Make sure that big boy behaves.”
I nod and turn back to Eros sitting patiently; white shirt hanging open a little to reveal the golden tan of his chest. I, the wandering soul, much admired but never loved, feel forcibly drawn to him. I wade toward Mikal through something more primal than lust, more finely aged than a prize wine, and at once the beginning and the end. Psyche has met Eros.
“SHOULD WE
just go for it?” Mikal asks, sitting on the couch in our hotel room nervously wringing his fingers.
“You’ve never kissed a guy before?”
“No.”
“This is big, then. I mean, you could kiss me and realize you don’t like it and go back to chasing skirts tomorrow. Only one way to find out, right?” I say and reach over to still his hands. Warm. A shock of excitement courses through me.
Leaning in, our lips touch faintly, delicately. Mikal brings a hand up through my hair, cradling my head, and pulls me in. I slip my tongue into his mouth. Icicles gather over my spine. I bring a hand to rest on the arm cradling my head. The bulk of his bicep curls instinctively. I slide my free hand just inside the open neck of his shirt. Running across hot skin, I stop over his heart. I can feel it screaming through his chest.
I pull away but remain inches from his face. I can see the tiny yellow flecks that give his green eyes their luster. His mouth still slightly parted and the light dancing on his wet lips.
“I think we’ll be okay tomorrow,” I manage to whisper.
Mikal nods and a smile plays across his face. “Just tell me why you’re with him.”
I sit back and search for an answer. “Because I….”
“Is he the one?”
In all things I yearn for One
One is laughing as we run by the river
Stirred into my coffee like sweet cream
Overlooking the city at night One is holding me
I have felt the lies of three whispered on my neck
fourteen’s malicious hands
Seen the drowning glare of twenty-three
And even enjoyed eighteen’s sweet kisses
Still, in all things I yearn for One
One is dancing me in perfect rhythm
Hot maple syrup drizzled on
fresh snow in winter’s stillest hour
Pulling me close for five more minutes
One is holding me
In all things I yearn for One
One is telling me I am loved
The bricks I am holding drop and I can fly
I always knew I could
Telling me I have nothing to fear
One is holding me
I am not seventeen or ten
Or one hundred and nineteen