Boys Next Door (17 page)

The bag hit and split and donuts when flying. Cooper clocked Deke who grabbed a fistful of Coop’s hair as he went down. He managed to land a glancing blow as he fell.

I considered throwing the garden gnome at them but then just shook my head, screaming, ‘Knock it off or I’m getting the goddamned hose!’

I was glad at that moment that we had no other neighbours but ourselves. This was like a white trash hoedown.

They continued to wrestle and scuffle and I was screaming, Stephen was cooing in my ear but I couldn’t understand him. I took off my clog and threw it at them, thinking I had hit an all time low. It hit Coop’s head and bounced off hard enough to smack Deke in the face.

A burble of hysterical laughter ripped out of me and Stephen whispered, ‘Are you okay?’

‘No! I am not okay!’ I was screaming but couldn’t seem to stop. ‘Stop it! Stop it right now.’

Stephen was pawing at me and I swatted him – suddenly irate with all of them – and hissed, ‘Don’t touch me.’

Coop was sitting on the ground, stunned; Deke was kneeling and rubbing his forehead.

‘What is wrong with you?’ I growled. ‘Look at this. You are covered in donuts. And grass. I’m wearing … one shoe!’

‘Farrell –’ Stephen started

‘Shut up!’ I whirled on him. ‘They’re two combative children, but you …’ I sighed. ‘You come over here with the guilt factor and the sad fucking face. What are you … four?’

I ran my hands through my hair and could feel it stand on end – whether it was from me mussing it or sheer frustration I couldn’t tell.

‘You know, I thought I could be honest with you all and we could all be … grown-ups?’

Or at least adult pigs …

‘But I was wrong. You can never be honest about stuff like this. It doesn’t work.’

‘Well, Stephen came over all sad because he’s caught in the middle. Wants it from you and from me.’ Coop levelled a finger at me.

‘Shut up, Coop,’ Deke said, but the real fight had gone out of him. He was eyeing me warily and I could tell he was trying to gauge my true anger level.

‘Well, it’s true.’

‘Big fucking deal,’ Stephen barked. ‘Once upon a time I wanted you.’

Two bright splotches stood out on his cheeks and I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

‘Once upon a time? Like yesterday? Admit it; you’d like nothing better than to be stuck in-between me and her.’

Stephen’s hands flexed into fists at his thighs, but he just shook his head, clenching his jaw.

‘I’d love to stand around and be an asshole with all of you,’ I said, my ire still up. ‘But I’m already late for work.’

‘Listen, Farrell, it got out –’ Deke started.

I held up my hand. I’d had enough. I’d tried to tell the truth, I’d tried to be upfront. I’d tried to be a woman enjoying herself and doing what she wanted and being open about it. But it had all turned into a giant mess and I was done.

‘Save it. I don’t want to see any of you. Since you can’t act civil even though I’ve never lied or deceived any of you … I’m done. Out.
Finis
.’ I waved, heading toward my car. ‘Bye. You can go back to killing each other if you want.’

After a second thought, I stomped back up the steps, opened my door, caught the ball of fluff named Brutus that leapt at me, and locked up again. Then I stomped to my car, got in and started her up with the only male I could be myself around – my brand new dog. I was done with the three little pigs. If I wanted to get laid I’d find a nice non-storybook character, normal, some non-neighbour man and go out with him.

They were all standing there watching as I drove away.

‘Uh-oh. What happened to you?’ Joy gave me a wry smile and proceeded to try and untangle what appeared to be a huge ball of tangled leashes and collars. ‘Damn shippers,’ she muttered.

‘Nothing. Nothing happened to me.’ I put Brutus down, who promptly galloped in huge circles around the store like a show pony.

‘Lies,’ she snorted.

‘We’ve only known you a few days and can read it plainly on your pretty face,’ Donna said. She walked in wiping her hands on a towel printed with bright-pink poodles. ‘Spill. You have to have girlfriends in your new home or you’ll explode.’

‘I’d rather explode,’ Joy grunted. She’d only extricated three collars and was frowning at the rest of the mess.

‘You are a liar,’ Donna said matter-of-factly. Joy didn’t bat a lash. ‘I’m your friend and you know it. The only problem is you’d rather die a fiery death than admit to having a friend or ever needing someone.’

Joy smiled, but said nothing.

‘Now, spill,’ Donna said. She waved a hand at me as she walked to the alcove and started pouring out three coffees. ‘I’m listening.’

I guess I had no choice. Brutus sat by my feet and looked up as if he were waiting too.

‘I am … seeing the men who live across from me.’

Joy looked up, her attention nabbed. ‘All of them?’ She blinked. She knew who lived across from me.

‘Yes. All of them,’ I said. A sigh slipped out of me as I took the cup of coffee offered by my new boss. Somewhere in the back a dog yipped.

Donna yelled, ‘Coming, Sheba!’ And then to me, ‘That dog is more spoiled than any child I know. Now go on.’

‘And I was upfront with them,’ I muttered. ‘You know, about not wanting anything serious. Or exclusive. Or any of that crap!’ I finished loudly. God, I was so frustrated.

‘And they can’t handle it,’ Donna said, chuckling.

‘No.’

‘But they said they could?’ Joy asked, pulling another collar free of the knot.

‘Yes.’

‘And you believed them?’ She cocked an eyebrow at me.

‘I … well … yes,’ I finished. The phone rang and everyone looked at it including me. Then I realised they were looking at me and
waiting
. ‘Oh!’ I said and grabbed it. ‘Donna’s Dog Salon, how can I help you?’

‘Easy girl,’ Donna said on a chuckle.

There had been a bit of anger in that greeting.

I winced and mouthed, ‘
Sorry
.’

‘Oh, we’re open until one today,’ I told the lady when asked. ‘And as for Captain Kipper’s cat food I …’

Donna was shaking her head furiously. ‘Filler, filler, filler,’ she said disapprovingly. ‘We carry Nature’s Cat.’

I repeated this info and hung up, wondering why she stocked cat food if it was a dog salon. But who really cared beyond cat owners shopping for food. Sipping coffee, I busied myself patting Brutus on the head as he shamelessly demanded even more attention.

‘So as you were saying,’ Joy said. ‘You foolishly believed not one, not two, but
three
grown men when they said they could share and keep it casual.’

She was practically giggling and I bristled. ‘I took them at their word.’ I tossed my shoulders back, putting on my fuck-you armour.

Joy shook her head. ‘Men are worse than women. It was only a matter of time, hon.’

I felt myself deflate. ‘I guess so.’

‘Who’s your favourite?’ she asked, not looking at me.

Deke

It popped into my mind unbidden and I shook it off. ‘None. I’m not in it for anything serious.’

‘You need a man who doesn’t live across the street from you.’ Donna bustled from the room and returned with a prancing poodle. ‘Sheba,’ she said. ‘Isn’t she precious?’

I petted the black poodle that stood stoically as if she were merely tolerating me. ‘Precious, as in adorable, or precious, as in high-maintenance?’ I asked, giving her one more scratch.

Donna looked at me. ‘Yes,’ she said.

‘When Keith comes in, we’ll introduce you. He’s cute. He’s single. He’s not looking for marriage or anything serious and he lives a block or two from here. Not across the street from you.’

‘Who’s Keith?’

‘The mailman,’ they said in unison.

‘Of course he is.’ I finished off my coffee. ‘I’m still learning to deal with this small town life.’

‘That’s not the worst of your problems,’ Joy said helpfully.

‘Oh yeah?’ I asked, confused.

‘Yeah. You still need to figure if you’re doing the charity dance or not.’

Fuck. I’d forgotten all about that damn thing. She was right. Three men acting like children was the least of my problems. I was supposed to shake my moneymaker for charity because of that asshole, Coop. If I was brave enough. Or was it stupid enough?

* * *

How to describe Keith the mailman?

Here’s one way: yum.

‘Hi there.’ I smiled at him. All broad shouldered, slightly freckle faced, reddish-brown hair, six foot of him. I heard the girlish trill in my voice and internally winced. Jeesh.

‘So you’re her,’ he said.

I straightened some papers on the small desk that were already perfectly straight. ‘Her who?’

Keith leaned over the counter and set the stack of mail, mostly fliers it looked like, on the blotter. ‘The new girl. The one from
not here
,’ he said in a jovially eerie voice.

I laughed. ‘They make it sound like I’m from over a vast and great ocean.’

‘Where there be monsters,’ he said in a terrible pirate voice.

‘On the edge of the world where it’s flattest.’

‘And your ship might sail right off the edge.’

I laughed. He was nice. Most importantly, he seemed normal. Not the guy who’d sneak into my house at night for head. Or let me jump him in an elevator. Or who’d get crushed and hurt puppy dog eyes should I ask someone else to spend the night.

Normal.

Boring.

I ignored that voice and stuck out my hand. ‘All of those are me,’ I said. ‘But my actual name is Farrell McGee.’

‘Oh, I know. Donna is “Farrelling” me to death at night.’

‘At night?’ I snorted. ‘Something I should know?’

‘Only that she lives in my neighbourhood and comes to spoil my dog with homemade biscuits. Those,’ he said, pointing to a giant cookie jar of bone-shaped biscuits on the high counter. ‘They’re like doggie crack,’ he laughed.

‘I’ll remember that. She suckered me into Brutus.’

At hearing his name, Brutus came galloping in and the mailman laughed. ‘That killer there, hunh?’

‘Yep.’

I twirled a pencil. Tried not to stare at his broad shoulders and what appeared to be a hard toned chest under his pale-blue uniform shirt. ‘So …’

He held up a hand. ‘Allow me. Can I take you for a drink later, Farrell? I mean, I don’t know if you’ve met anyone so –’

This time I held up my hand. ‘I’d love to and I’m not looking for anything serious at this point in time, so there’s no conflict.’

He grinned at me and I saw a flash of white even teeth and a pink tongue. The tongue part turned me on, I admit. ‘I’m Keith Rossi, by the way.’

We shook again and he eyed the wall clock. ‘Better get going. The lady two doors down in the dentist’s office spins completely out of control if she doesn’t have her mail to process by noon. And they’re open for emergency patients today.’

‘Right. Don’t make her wait.’

‘Meet me at Mamma’s tonight? Seven?’

‘Mamma’s?’

‘I bet Donna will give you directions –’

Donna yelled, ‘I will!’ from the back where she was clearly eavesdropping.

We both laughed.

‘It’s the only Italian in town and they have killer homemade wine.’

‘I’m in.’ I now felt nervous and fluttery. The three little pigs had been thrust upon me and I’d adapted. We’d all become neighbourly incestuous and oddly connected in a short amount of time.

This … this was a date; a date with a normal guy who wouldn’t be demanding blow jobs at 3 a.m. I assumed, anyway.

He gave me another smile and another wave before pushing out the door. Donna wasted no time scurrying in. She rubbed her chubby little hands together like an excited elf. ‘Now isn’t he just
adorable
.’

‘Yes,’ I agreed.

But now that I’d made a date with him, I was a nervous wreck. It was all too normal and tame and I was anything but those adjectives.

There was an eerie ghost town quality to my stretch of the street. I could feel the phantom of harmony when I drove past Deke’s house to park in front of mine. It was Saturday, I had no idea who was home and who wasn’t. I had hours before I needed to meet Keith and little to do to occupy my mind from the goings on of the morning.

‘Wanna go out and tinkle?’ I asked Brutus, who vibrated joyously at the idea. ‘Come on. I’ll take you out to gallop through the woods.’

I dropped my bag in the kitchen and we both exited the house by the back door. Brutus took off at warp speed, chasing a rather startled squirrel. I laughed to see him run, his entire rear end swinging sideways with every leap he made.

I followed him, boots crunching through the leaves. How in the hell was I going to clean all this up, I wondered. Or did I have to. Technically, it was all mine. I didn’t have to clean it up if I didn’t want to. I wondered if leaf burning was legal in Tower Terrace.

The wind was less today, the temperature a bit higher. It was sunny and extremely bright. The sun so startling, the way it only seemed to be in the fall.

Brutus’s barks stopped and I walked further. I wasn’t worried because Donna had told me despite his breed, he was a homing pigeon kind of dog. He might run off but he always came home to roost. Most dachshunds, she said, were vagabonds and once they took off they kept going until someone made them stop.

I wandered and kicked up plumes of leaves, wondering if I’d been too harsh or too irrational with the boys (
pigs
). Maybe they had been behaving normally and I had been the illogical one.

Ears straining to hear the dog, I caught a different sound. A soft whispery kind of cry. Bird? Cat? I had no clue. I was a city girl and even Tower Terrace’s mild form of wildlife was overwhelming to me.

I walked further, hoping it wasn’t a bear, though I was almost positive a bear – even a small one – would make a much bigger noise than that. Big hungry noises, I imagined.

I found myself tiptoeing and feeling like an ass for it, but doing it anyway. I followed the muffled sounds back to the right of my property. I’d yet to venture this far back and soon I was pressing into a thick gathering of evergreen trees. My nose tickled – evergreen usually irritated me and it left welts on my skin when the needles scraped me. But the sound turned to a distinctive laugh – a woman’s laugh – and I pushed on. Now I was hellbent on finding out who was on my property.