Authors: Sommer Marsden
I scurried into the bathroom and took a super-fast shower before half-drying my hair with the dryer and then twisting it into little buns and clipping it. That would let it dry crimpy and wavy and bed-headish.
‘Which isn’t going to matter because it’s windy and you’re going to look like something the cat dragged in.’
I could hear the wind outside and it made my nipples hard just to listen to it howl.
‘Oh God.’
Brutus walked in and wagged his tail until he almost tipped over. I sighed. ‘I know. I forgot to feed you and let you out and all that shit. I am a terrible canine mother.’
Wrapped in a robe, I hurried downstairs to do just that. Only to find a raised fist and a smug look at my back door. Cooper. About to knock.
‘You all ready for today, Feral?’ He tugged a curl and I blushed.
‘I am. I know you want to see me flop or fail or freak out. But I won’t. I’ll do this for charity and I’ll do my best and if you ever sign me up for anything like this again, James Cooper, I will break both your legs with a baseball bat.’
He laughed but his face had gone serious. He grabbed me before I could stop him and planted a kiss. ‘I know I won’t be your choice. I have no chance of that. But at least I can enjoy the ride while it lasts. I did this for a reason, Feral.’
‘And what is that?’ I snapped, clearing my throat, tossing my shoulders back. I was determined not to react to him, not to let him get under my skin.
We stood there with the door flung wide and the chilly air rushing around our legs – mine bare beneath what felt like an increasingly tiny robe.
‘No one ever believed in me. I believe in you. So I’m pushing you – one might say goading – to step up to the plate. You want a new life?’
‘It’s not your place to –’
‘If you want a new life start it with a good deed. Do it big, do it bold and do it proud.’
He smacked me on the ass, kissed me on the head and left. No more groping. No hand jobs, no smouldering kisses, no nothing. Just a – pep talk?
He’d been watching out for Stephen. He believed in me – he was a mind fuck and a monster and a wonderful man all rolled into one.
And he’ll find someone who gets him …
I called the dog in, ignoring the thought. Where the fuck had that come from and what did I care.
But I did care. I was too far gone in this new life and Terrace Tower to not realise it. I just didn’t have to look at it too closely.
Yet.
* * *
I really should have done this the night before. What had I been thinking?
I rifled through my drawers and finally – blissfully, thankfully! – found a pair of fence net panty hose. I favoured them because the holes were larger than fishnets and way more dramatic. I rescued a pair of black tango pants from my drawer and was grateful for the amount of coverage the ruffled knickers would give me. A black lace bra and I was good to go.
Except for the fact that I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. Those parts of it were not so nifty.
A glance at the clock told me I either had to get dressed or back out now.
‘It’s for a good cause, Farrell. It’s for a family whose house burned down. Just focus on the people you have gotten to know and like. Donna, Joy, Keith, Deke, Stephen …
Cooper
.’
The last one was a hard one to spit out. But as hard as he was to take sometimes, I was starting to understand why. And what was under the gruff, sometimes asinine, exterior.
I would focus on them and their cause – and just enjoy the terror and the rush of it all. Oddly, I felt like my dad would be proud of me for putting myself on the line for this cause. And for taking control of my life. Admitting I didn’t want to be an actress any more – I just wanted to be –
‘Happy,’ I whispered, taking the buns out of my hair. I finger-combed the resulting waves and applied the most dramatic make-up I could without looking like a whore.
I pulled on my under things and then Coop’s pinstriped suit. I shoved my feet into black heels and found my CD.
‘Do not vomit,’ I reminded myself.
I hurried downstairs and tried to think – despite my internal pep talk – of a million reasons why I could not perform. And not a single one came to mind.
A sharp rap on the front door made me jump. I hurried to open it praying it was a last minute reprieve – show cancelled due to wind.
It wasn’t. It was Deke. ‘Hey.’ He smiled at me.
Everything inside of me warmed and twisted and flexed. ‘Hi,’ I breathed, feeling very much like a horse’s ass.
‘I know you have Coop’s suit. Trust me, he couldn’t wait to tell me.’ Deke brushed a rogue curl out of my face and pulled his other hand from behind his back. ‘So even though I was super gallant and did
not
tell anyone that I had my dirty way with you last night, I wanted you to have this. Something from me, today.’
It was a fedora. A black fedora with a dark-maroon band and a crow feather stuck in the band.
It was perfect.
Deke brushed the ink-black feather with a finger and I imagined that finger brushing over me. Touching me, stroking me, penetrating me – making me come. ‘For luck,’ he said.
‘Thank you,’ I said. Humbled. Touched, somehow broken down to the bare bones with the small act.
‘Break a leg, kid.’ He kissed my forehead and when the wind whipped between us, he chuckled. ‘Try to stay warm. See you there.’
And then he was gone. I wished he was staying. Or taking me with him. And as I watched his broad back while he sauntered off, all devilish and sweet and gorgeous, I realised
who
I’d be dancing for.
‘You’re here! We weren’t sure.’ Donna’s face was pressed to my car window the moment I pulled in. I finally had been waved into an empty parking space by a volunteer. Then it was a matter of finding the balls to get out of the car. And then her face appeared.
‘I wasn’t sure, either.’
‘Deke said you’d come,’ Joy said, showing up, right behind her boss.
‘I thought you guys were dyeing dogs.’
‘We are,’ Joy said – displaying colour-spotted hands at me. ‘Currently we have no customers, though. They’re not so fond of the wind gusts.’
I rolled the window up and the wind snatched some of my hair and tugged it out of the car ahead of me. ‘They’re not the only ones,’ I growled.
I clutched the fedora to my head, thankful for it to keep my hair somewhat tame, and thankful for it on another level – it was my security object. When I touched it, I thought of Deke. Of his smile and his way – how calm and easy he was – his kindness. His body. When I touched the hat I felt grounded.
Like I could get up on a stage in front of a bunch of strangers and perform for a damn good reason. Almost naked.
I grabbed my bag with my disc in it and climbed out of the car – knees knocking, shaking a little. Joy and Donna each took an arm as if I’d bolt all of the sudden.
‘I’m coming. You don’t have to guard me,’ I laughed.
‘We know, we know,’ Donna snickered. ‘There are two more girls on in front of you and then you’re the grand finale.’
‘Oh, fabulous. Grand finale, no less.’
They kept hustling me. I was starting to feel like a prisoner being led to the gallows. Or the President flanked by Secret Service. I wasn’t sure.
‘There are a lot of people here,’ I muttered. ‘How? How are there so many people here? Oh fuck.’
‘Just keep walking,’ Donna said, hustling me. ‘It’s all okay. You’ll be on for what? Three minutes?’
‘Not even.’
‘There you go.’
‘I might faint.’
‘No you won’t,’ Joy said. ‘And, um … Keith asked me out this morning.’
‘Awesome,’ I said. Then, ‘My face is numb.’
‘You’ll be fine,’ Donna said. ‘Clench your ass.’
‘Pardon?’ I asked, forgetting for a moment to be scared because I was laughing.
‘It restricts the blood from flowing out of your head and upper body, and keeps you from passing out.’ Oh, the things my new boss knew.
‘Oh, so I just need to clench my butt till I’m done?’ I snorted and the wind tore at my clothes, my hair.
‘Pretty much. You’ll be fine.’ She smiled at me.
* * *
They stood there like small but intent bodyguards as the last two burlesque dancers finished. One woman was about twenty-five and built like a brick shithouse. The other woman was about forty-five and voluptuous. I couldn’t help but smile at her. She was hot as sin and knew it. Even the young men were eyeing her up, with her cleavage and her curves.
‘Wow,’ I said. ‘At first I was relieved an older woman was going on before me,’ I admitted. ‘But now not so much.’
‘Oh, Selma is fierce. No doubt about it. But you’ll do fine, chicklet,’ Donna said, patting me on the ass. ‘You’re fierce too.’
I grinned. Until the music ended. Which meant I was up next. And I actually whimpered.
‘You can do it, kid,’ Joy said. Then they were prodding me, poking me, messing with me like two imps from hell.
I took a deep breath and when I thought I might cry, I spotted Deke back by a big oak tree. Leaning against it, smiling – looking amused and lazy and satisfied. He gave me a quick thumbs up and my heart warmed.
I nodded.
I could do this. I could totally do this.
I stomped up the wooden steps to the platform and when a young man I’d never seen before held out his hand I stared at it. ‘Music?’ he finally whispered.
‘Oh!’ I handed him my CD and said ‘Track three. Will you wait until I nod to you, please?’
‘Sure thing. And don’t worry. You’ve totally got this.’
I wanted to believe him. I’d just have to do my best. It was for charity after all. No. Big. Deal.
‘Thanks’ I whispered. I dropped my bag behind the curtain and stood a bit straighter. I wouldn’t walk through the curtains – despite the wind whipping it around – when the music started.
The guitar licks started and despite the wind and the chill and the ever-present, maddening thump of blood in my ears, I heard the crowd murmur.
This was not burlesque music. I ran my fingers over Deke’s fedora and felt a surge of confidence. My fingers tickled along the crow’s feather and I smiled just as the opening lines blared out of the speaker and I stepped from between the wind-rippled purple curtains. Ian Astbury filled my head, and the faith Deke had in me filled that ache in my chest that had been there far too long.
Oh, the heads that turn. Make my back burn …
And I went. I propelled myself out like I was shooting myself from a cannon. No time for fear or regret or second-guessing myself. No time to focus on all that I wasn’t doing right – only time to focus on what I was doing right. And what I wanted to do.
It started to blur for me. My body undulated along with the music like they were fused and I didn’t allow myself to be surprised or even focus on it. I simply did. I moved and I worked the buttons on Cooper’s coat.
My eyes picked them out – the faces who had become my day to day – to some degree in my head a ragtag, misfit, fucked up Frankenfamily. All of us somehow linked, right or wrong.
Deke by the tree, smiling at me, laughing soundlessly as the wind tried to snatch the fedora as I shimmied out of the suit coat and let it fall with a silken whisper down my back.
Cooper, in the front, eyebrow cocked but nodding at me as I moved to the music and worked his tie. It slid through my hand – a hand that had gripped his cock – easily and when I winked at him as part of the show, he surprised me by winking back.
Ah, and there was heart-stopping Stephen with his golden boy toy. In the second row. Smiling with what appeared to be pride. While I watched he blew me a kiss. I twirled to The Cult and managed to blow him one back while unbuttoning the final tiny button on the man’s shirt. Somewhere in the back a wolf whistle sounded and I heard some hoots and hollers. Nothing icky, all good natured and supportive.
Thank God.
Joy and Donna, my new boss and her sidekick, still stood at the base of the stage like guardians at an Egyptian tomb and that thought alone made it easy to whip that white shirt over my head and shake my ass. Beneath the fabric was my black balconette bra and the wind greedily licked along the edges of the fabric. My nipples pebbled, my stomach turned and I felt a rush of arousal fed by adrenaline.
And again my eyes sought out Deke. That fact wasn’t lost on me.
And the world, the world drags me down …
The words were in my head, snaking around, and I realised how emotionally connected I was to the song I’d chosen. I hadn’t realised it until that moment. The minutes were whizzing past. I could feel them – now that I was up here actually
doing it
the time was fleeting.
I almost wanted to slow it down. Almost.
I turned to work the button and the zipper of the pinstriped slacks to see Keith behind Joy. One hand on her shoulder; appreciative, but still tentative. He smiled at me and gave me the rocker devil horns with his free hand.
This tore another laugh right out of me and I shook my hips to get the unfastened pants to slide slowly down my fence net-clad thighs. More wolf whistles and I clutched Deke’s hat to my head, my hair wildly tossing around my face as I softly sang along with my song.
My song. My new-fucking-life-and-I’m-doing-this-whole-hog song.
I grinned and again my eyes found Deke who was leaning there, lazy but intent. As if all he had to do in the world forever and ever was watch me.
Something in me broke … warmed … and reformed. I felt a peace I couldn’t remember ever feeling and sudden and unexpected tears pricked my eyes.
But I just kept dancing.
The heels were kicked off and the trousers dropped. Someone shouted ‘Hell yeah!’ and I tossed the pants to the side. Just me, the wind, and fence nets topped by tiny ruffled black tango pants.
The song was nearly done and I finally tossed the hat toward Deke. Then I did something I hadn’t done since I was small. Back when life was more fun and freedom more available.
I did a cartwheel and a hush happened. Everyone held their breath – even me – until it was complete.
And then I was laughing, the final haunting strains of the song bleeding into the grey day. And then silence.