Brain Droppings (12 page)

LIFE IS SHORT. Sorry. Life is not short, it’s ju&t that since everything else lasts so long—mountains, rivers;, stars, planets—life seems short. Actually life lasts just the iright amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand, is short.

WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW WON’T HURT YOU. Why d[On’t we just ask Abe Lincoln and John Kennedy about this e>ne.

ozEn n
Sometimes on television they tell you to buy a frozen Mexican Well, it sounds like a good idea, but actually, before you take

out to dinner, I should think it would be a good idea to bring him hl^he house and let him warm up a little. A frozen Mexican probably wouldn’t be thinking mainly about food. By the way, isn’t Mexico a warm-weather country?

FAV0M11 REDinUUIQES
total abstinence
subject matter
honest truth
join together
general public
harbinger of things to come
new initiative
audible gasp
advance warning
execution-style killing
future plans
gather together
Jewish synagogue

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lag behind manual dexterity occasional irregularity outer rim plan ahead basic fundamentals first time ever personal friend shrug one’s shoulders
BEWARE OF AGGRAVATING SPEAKERS

I am easily annoyed by people’s speech habits, and I i regard certain words and phrases as warnings to break off contact. In the interest of maintaining good mental health, I avoid the following people:

Those who can’t resist saying, “God forbid” each time . they mention the possibility of an accident or death, even though they don’t believe in God.

People who say “God rest his soul” following the mention

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And speaking of morons, can’t we somehow prevent adults from using words like tushie, boo-boo and no-no, when speaking to grown-ups? Why don’t we just send these people to their rooms without supper? Tell them there’s not gonna be any yummy in their tummy. And while we’re at it, let’s include all those colorful risk-takers who actually use heck and darn for emphasis. What the fuck is this, 1850?

I also think we’d be better off if we could eliminate anyone who has a “can-do” attitude, or is referred to as “take-charge,” “all-business,” or “no-nonsense.” Have these people sedated.

And let’s include the ones who describe themselves as “goal-oriented.” Please. Leave me alone.

And the ones who tell you, “I’m a people person.” Yeah? Me too. Fuck people!

And what about these guys who have no job and say to you, “Are they keepin’ ya busy?” I happen to resent even the assumption that there are people who have the authority to keep me busy. Least of all do I appreciate it from some guy who doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to do, himself.

And let’s punish every homely man who ever thought it was clever to say, “I’m not just another pretty face.”

And I think it’s time to start slapping around these people who can’t tell a simple story without repeatedly saying, “Ya know what I’m sayin’?” Here I am, trying to listen to the guy, and he’s a person who is constantly checking on how he’s doing.
“Bla, bla, bla. Ya know what I’m sayin’?”
No, the question is not, do I know what you’re saying, the

IJ,0

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question is, do you know what you’re saying? You follow on that?

I’m also getting tired of arguably. It’s weak. It tries have things both ways. Take a stand!

And here are some jock/sports-fan adjectives that should be outlawed: Listening to a sports call-in radio station for about an hour, you will be amazed at the number of times you hear the following words: incredible, unbelievable, tremendous, outstanding, big, huge, large, major, and key. Do these guys sound like maybe someone’s penis size is on their minds?
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I can also do without people who tell me that something— anything—is either “the name of the game” or “what it’s all about.” Oh it is, huh? Well, fuck you!

And let’s lose these guys who think it’s cute to say, “Ouch!” when someone delivers a small put-down.
BEWARE ALSO OF THE PRETENTIOUS AND ARROGANT SPEAKER

People who refer to themselves as “yours truly.” What kind of grandiose crap is this? Some even speak of them-A selves in the third person. Athletes and entertainers are big on this demented shit: “I’m gonna do what’s right for Leon Spinks!” I think people like this are mentally ill. And you can include those very special people who use the royal “we.”

I also instantly dismiss anyone who tells me that some ft other person “has class,” “is classy,” or “is a class act,” the last of these being the most arrogant. What these speakers are telling you is that since they are among the few people who recognize class, it is their obligation to point it out to sorry-ass folks like you. If you manage to listen to them just a little longer, you’ll find that they’re completely full of shit.
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This is the same type of person who uses the word “tasty” when referring to music.

The above sort of reference to class is of the same order of arrogance as the phrases “not too shabby,” “he’s no dummy,” “I give him high marks,” “he’s got his head on straight,” and “he really showed me something.” All of these phrases reek of presumed superiority.

And just when I thought all those precious twerps were about to stop saying, “Not to worry,” and “By the by,” along came “What say you?” and “At the end of the day” to deepen my suffering. “At the end of the day” is probably the most pretentious expression to come along since the “moi-ciao” crowd descended on us.
“Just a tad” has a phony ring to it. So does “just a skosh.”

And be on the alert for anyone who tells you that something they did was “life-affirming.” Some celebrity said he quit doing his TV show because “it stopped being life-affirming.” Hey, Skeezix, when you finish affirming your life, get over here and give my dick a coupla yanks.

And can’t we figure out something evil to do to these people who call themselves “survivors”? Such self-regard!
“I’m a survivor.”

“Good. We’ll be sure to tell everyone at your funeral that you’re a fuckin’ survivor.”

This one is almost too easy: guys who can’t leave a room without saying, “I’m outta here.” You know what I say to them? “Good! Stay the fuck outta here!”

There are also certain reckless people in this country who are abusing “ongoing” and “early on.” Leave these

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terms alone, please. They mark you as a counterfeit p 0 ( on” has faux poetic aspirations, and “ongoing” has on] very narrow area where it is distinctly appropriate.
*,

And some of these “ongoing” felons are the same on who have vandalized the phrase “even as we speak.” Fjrst they shortened it to “as we speak.” Then they started using it every four minutes or so. Even as I write this, my pissed- off-edness is ongoing.

And fuck all the asshole people who say, “God bless” and then don’t bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven’t the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request. Anyway, enjoy.
Ite general lame overused expressions for which the users ought to be slain:
X From the git-go X It works for me. X You gotta love it. X Go get ‘em, tiger! X Sounds like a plan. X You know the drill. X Get with the program. X Take no prisoners. X None of the above

£ Up close and personal
^ The whole nine yards
* May be hazardous to your health
£ The Rodney Dangerfield of …
£ Cut to the chase.
4g Deal with it.
% Clean up your act.
X Bottom line
X Wannabe
X Been there, done that.
^ Fifteen minutes of fame
% Joined at the hip
X Flavor of the month
X It’s not over till it’s over.
X Don’t try this at home.
X Easy for you to say.
X Separated at birth.
X I’m mad as hell and, etc.
X Just when you thought it was safe
X Humungous
X In y°ur face
X Lean and mean

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){ Check it out.
X Doesn’t take a rocket scientist
)(Doa number
X Couch potato
X What’s wrong with this picture?
X Or what?
X Born again
X Trash talk
X I love it!
X G° ballistic
X In your dreams
X I nate when that happens.
X Don’t give up your day job.
X Tough act to follow
X No brainer
X Street smart
X I mean that in the nicest way.
X No biggie
X Tell us how you really feel.
X That’s why he gets the big bucks.

I have a problem with guys who say “No problem.” The phrase has utlasted its usefulness, and, more alarming, it has almost completely replaced “You’re welcome.”

“Thank you for carrying those ten bodies downstairs and putting them in the lime pit with all the dead puppies.” ; ;?-< ?,. ;
“No problem.” : - . .?:.,’? , . ;
And, of course, there are the really cool guys who abbreviate it:
“No prob!”

These are the same dipshits who say “bod” for body and “bud” for buddy.

And let’s not forget the very special, very precious ones who can’t resist saying “No problemo!”

Don’t you love these guys? “No problemo!” Same ones who say “Correcta-mundo,” and “Exacta-mundo.” Mock foreign.

And “moi”! Of course, moi being a real word makes the person seem even more pretentious; same category as the “ciao” crowd.

I could really do without non-Italians who lay a worldly, continental “Ciao,” on me and then wander off to hitchhike home. They’re right up there with the freckle-faced, redheaded lads who belch up huge, moist beer clouds in my face and then insist on calling me “amigo.”

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V ? ?» w_».

There are many replies you can make when you hear a statement you agree with. A real old-timer says, “You’re darn tootin’!”
“I’ve noticed your granddaughter’s nipples stiffen up when I
moisten my lips.”
“You’re darn tootin’!”
In my father’s day it was, “You can say that again.” “Hey, Dad, Mom’s ass is starting to sag real bad.” “You can say that again.”
When I was a kid we said, “I’m wise” or “I’m hip.” “Man, your sister gives a good blow job!” “I’m hip.”

Eventually, we grew tired of these expressions. Now there are new ones, and I’m getting tired of them, too. Examples:
“I hear ya.”
“Wonderful. And are you picking me up visually as well?”
‘ “Tell me about it.” “I just did.”
“I heard that!”

“Oh, really? Well, isn’t that exciting! What is this, a hearing test? Did I wander into a Beltone commercial? Of course you heard it, ya fuckin nimrod, I’m standin’ right next to ya! I’m gonna wander over here a little farther away. BLOW ME!!! By any chance, did ya hear that?”
“You got that right.”
“What are you, Alex Trebek? Oh. Well, in that case, I’ll take
‘Bodies of Water’ for $300.”

EVEnnOKE
bond together close proximity ATM machine PIN number coequal common bond small minority serious crisis personal belongings security guard time clock foreign imports exact same continue on focus in convicted felon past experience consensus of opinion finished product schoolteacher linger on

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There was a first time for everything. At some point every custom, every practice, every ritual had to be explained to people for the first time. It must have been tricky, especially in primitive societies.

For instance, the first human sacrifice. Not of the enemy, but the first ritual killing of a member of your own tribe. Someone had to announce it to the people. Someone with authority, but probably not the top guy. A sergeant. A primitive sergeant, addressing a band of early cave people—hunters, gatherers, whatever—explaining the human sacrifice. Of course, first he would have to get his other announcements out of the way.

“OK, listen up! You people in the trees, you wanna pay attention? The guys in the bushes, would ya put the woman down? All right. Now, is everybody here? Andy, check the caves. Make sure everybody’s out here. And Andy, . . . don’t wake up the bears! OK? Remember what happened last time. We can’t spare any more people.

“OK, a few things I wanna go over, then I’m gonna tell ya about somethin’ new. Somethin’ we haven’t tried before, so I don’t want ya to be nervous. I know ya don’t like new things. I remember last year a lotta people freaked out when someone came up with the wheel. People went nuts! They said, Well, this is it, it’s all over, it’s the end of the world, bla, bla, bla. Then somebody pointed out that we didn’t have any axles. I think it was Richie. He said if we really wanted to invent something special, we oughta come up with the axle. I guess you’re always gonna have a coupla wise guys.
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“But anyway, we went ahead and made a coupla hundred of these big stone wheels, which is kinda stupid when you think about it. The only thing you can do with ‘em is roll ‘em down the hill. Which isn’t such a top notch idea. I think the people who live at the bottom of the hill will bear me out on that.

“OK, movin’ along here. It has come to my attention that some people have been drawin’ pictures on the walls of the caves. Pictures of bulls, antelopes, a coupla horses. I think I even seen a goat on one wall. Listen, lemme tell you somethin’. It might seem like fun to you, but it looks awful. If ya can’t keep the place clean, maybe ya don’t deserve a nice cave. Ya don’t see the bats drawin’ pictures on the walls, do ya? No. They hang upside down, they take a crap, they don’t bother anybody.

“You people don’t know when you’re well off. Maybe ya’d like to go back to livin’ in the trees, huh? Remember that? Remember the trees? Competin’ with the baboons and gibbons for hazelnuts and loganberries? Degrading! So there’ll be no more drawin’ on the walls! Coupla thousand years from now, people are gonna come here, and they’re gonna study these caves. The last thing they wanna see is a lotta horse pictures on the walls.

“OK, continuin’ on. As some of you mighta noticed, last night the fire went out. Coupla the guys on guard duty were jackin’ around, playin’ grabass, and one of ‘em, Octavio, the short guy with the bushy hair. Well, one of the short guys with the bushy hair. Anyways, Octavio fell on the fire, and the fire went out. Unfortunately for Octavio, he died in the incident. Unfortunately for us, he was the only one who knew how to