Brain Droppings (13 page)

GEORGE CARLIN
light the fire. So we’re gonna have a contest. The first h get a fire goin’, and keep it goin’, wins a prize. It’s a 1 Nothin’ fancy. Just a regular hat. The kind with the earlap,

“OK, next item. We’re startin’ to get some complai t from the women about dating procedures. This mainly c(
^ cerns the practice of clubbin’ the women on the head u^d draggin’ ‘em back to the cave by the hair. They would like. to
i discontinue this practice, especially the hair part. It se&ms some of them go to a lot of trouble and expense to fix UD their hair for a date, and they feel the draggin’ has a nega_ tive effect on their appearance. As far as the clubbin; js concerned, they’d like to elminate that too, because ^^ happens is a lot of ‘em have an enjoyable date, and then tw
$ can’t remember it in the mornin’.

“Movin’ right along. As you all know, it’s been our practice when we find a new plant that looks good to eat, we test it on the dogs to see if it’s poison. Does everyone the berries we tested last week on the big brown dog? many ate the berries simply because the dog didn’t die that
^ day? Quite a few. Well, I got bad news. The dog died last rqght. Apparently it was a slow-actin’ poison. Yes, Laszlo? You didn’t eat the berries? But this mornin’ you ate the dog. \Vell, Laszlo, ya got about a week. Food chain! How many tim&s do
A. I gotta tell you people? Food chain! By the way, anyone %ho’s gettin’ into that new cannibalism crap—I won’t mention any names—I’d strongly suggest not eatin’ Laszlo—or anyone else for that matter.

“All right, now we gotta talk about the Hated Ba%d of Enemy People Who Live in the Dark Valley. As some (of ya

brain droppings
might know, they snuck into camp last night and stole a bunch of our stuff. They got those sticks we were savin’. They got the rocks we piled up near the big tree. And they also took sixteen trinkets; the ones we got in a trade with the Friendly Bent-over People from the Tall Mountain Near the Sun. I think it was them. It was either them or the Guys with the Really Big Foreheads Down by the River. Anyways, as I recall, we came off a cool two hundred animal skins for those trinkets, and frankly, the Chief and I think we got screwed. By the way, speakin’ of screwin’, they also stole several of our women last night. Along with a couple of those sensitive men we’ve been usin’ as women.

“OK, a new problem has come up that we’re gonna have to deal with. It concerns the growin’ menace of people chewin’ the leaves of the dream plant. It’s gotten completely outta hand. At first it wasn’t so bad. After a long day of huntin’, or gatherin’—whatever—people would chew a coupla leaves to relax. Recreational chewin’. No harm, no foul. But then some guys couldn’t leave it alone. They would chew way too much and lose control. Some of them became verbally abusive. Of course, they couldn’t help what they were sayin’. It wasn’t them talkin’, it was the leaves. But, hey, nevertheless!

“Then we found out some people were chewin’ on the job. Not only endangerin’ the lives of their co-hunters or co-gatherers—whatever—but also lowerin’ the amount of food we acquire, while somehow, at the same time, greatly increasin’ the rate of consumption of their own food. One of the gatherers, a short guy with bushy hair, I think it was Norris, got whacked outta his skull on leaves last week, and

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“Anyway, this new custom is quite different, and it might k come as somethin’ of a surprise to ya, so make sure you’re Or at least leanin’ on somethin’ firm. You peo dift ove
C A R L I N
A
GEORGE
he came in from gatherin’, with a grand total

a grand total of six berries and one nut. And this
been out in the bushes for eight days! a<*

n
v

“But now we’re runnin’ into an even more serious that affects the safety of everyone. It seems that some are chewin’ the leaves and then runnin’ around in Cic high speed. As a result we’re startin’ to get a huge increase ‘ the number of accidents. People are crashin’ into each othe Please! Try to remember. Chewin’ and runnin’ around in circles at high speed don’t mix. If you’re gonna run around in circles don’t chew; and if you’re gonna chew, for God’s sake, don’t be runnin’ around in circles. Designate someone.

“So try to be aware of the signs of leaf abuse. If you’re chewin’ in the mornin’, you got a problem. If you’re chewin’ alone, you got a problem. It’s no disgrace. Get some help. Say
no to leaves.
”
K

“OK, now, like I said earlier, we got a new thing we’re
gonna be doin’, and I wanna announce it today. It’s gonna
be a custom. Remember customs? Who can name a custom?

Nat? Goin’ to sleep at night? Well, that’s close, Nat. That’s
almost like a custom. Who else can name a custom? Killing
the animals before we eat them? OK, actually, Jules, that’s
more like a necessity, isn’t it? More like a necessity. Lookin’

for a custom. Another custom. Dwayne? Washin’ the rocks
and dryin’ them off before you throw them at the enemy
durin’ a rock fight? Is that what you been doin’, Dwayne?
Really! Well, I guess that would explain the disproportion
ately high number of rock injuries in your squad, wouldn’t
it? ,;-:-?> ;«-. >-*.<,??, -.??.. .,

come as somethin’ of a surprise to ya, o^ ^__. sittin’ down. Or at least leanin’ on somethin’ firm. You people standin’ over near the cliff, you might wanna drift over
this way a little.

“Now. I want ya to remember that no matter what I say, this is gonna please the Corn God. OK? [Slowly, as if to children] The new custom … is gonna help . . . with the corn. Remember a coupla years ago we had no corn, and we hadda eat the trees? And a lotta people died? How many wanna go back to eatin’ the trees? OK, I rest my case. Yeah? Dwayne? You thought the trees were pretty good? Ya never disappoint me, Dwayne, ya know that? Folks, ya don’t have to look very K far for a tragic example of abusin’ the dream plant, do ya?
“All right, here’s the new thing we’re gonna do, it’s called a human sacrifice. Each week, to appease the Corn God, we’re gonna kill one member of the tribe. All right, calm down! C’mon, sit down! Hey! Hold on! Hear me out on this, would . ya? Just relax and hear me out on this. We’re gonna start « havin’ a human sacrifice every week, probably on Saturday night. That’s when everybody seems to loosen up pretty good. So startin’ next Saturday night, about the time we run outta berry juice, we’re gonna pick one person, probably a ^ young virgin, and we’ll throw her in the volcano. All right, girls! Please! Siddown! Please! Stop with the rocks!! Calm down, ladies. We’re not gonna do it today. I promise. Relax. “OK, so we throw the virgin in the volcano. By the way, how many remember the volcano? Remember the fire? Remember the lava? What word comes to mind when we think

brain droppings
GEORGE CARLIN
about the volcano? Hot! Right. The volcano is hot. What’s that h Dwayne? No. No way. If this idea’s gonna work at all, it’s gotta be done while the volcano is actually erupting. I don’t think the Corn God is gonna be impressed if we throw some chick in a dormant volcano. It’s meaningless. I think he’s lookin’ for ^ somethin’ with a little more screamin’ involved.
“OK, so we throw the virgin in the volcano. What’s that?
i How does this help with the corn? Good question. Look,
Morley, I just make the announcements, OK? I’m not involved
with policy. It came down from the high priests, that’s all you
gotta know. This is one of those things you just gotta accept
on faith. It’s like that custom we started last year of cuttin’
off a guy’s head to keep him from stealin’. At first it seemed
^ severe, am I right? But ya gotta admit, it seems to work.
“OK, one last point: You say, Why does it have to be a young virgin; why can’t we throw a wrinkled old man in the volcano? Lemme put it this way. Did y’ever get a real good, close look at the high priests? OK. Once again, I rest my case. “Now, the only problem we anticipate with this new cus-® torn is the distinct possibility of runnin’ out of virgins. Ya gotta figure best case scenario we’re not gonna see any corn till late next year, so it looks like we’re gonna be waxin’ virgins at quite a clip. And hey! . . . girls, don’t take this the k wrong way … but we don’t have that many virgins to begin with, do we? Ha-ha-ha-ha!! No offense, girls! Really! No, hey, you’re very lovely.

“Well, that’s it, folks. Thanks for listenin’. Good night. Walk home slowly. And walk safely. In case you didnt notice, the sun went down, and it’s completely fuckin’ dark-

y observEdl
(oil euphemisms actual

= holistic massage therapy liEQP llOttl = limited service lodging

= interim financing = custodial interference
mottfESJ ond box spring = sleep system
SnQCKJOD = live-in companion
W StOP = travel plaza
USED UIQEOCOSSEttE = previously viewed cassette
Ullrf DEQtfflj] = intermittent explosive disorder

= performing arts center

= nail technician nUQC DEQCl) = clothing optional beach pEEpnOlE = observation port DQIQI)ESS = acquired uncombable hair = remains pouches

= deficit water situation rECESSIOI) = a meaningful downturn in aggregate output 111 IOUE = emotionally involved lOOm ClEfK = guest service agent

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GEORGE CARLIN

brain droppings

I1QRE FAVORITE EUTHEtlSHS

= career apparel SEQt D€lt!/Qir DQQ = impact management system

= commercial sex worker = marital aid nOllbeliEUErS= the unchurched

= resume enhancement = pregnancy loss = batons

= commodity relocation = adult entertainer fOOID SEFUiff = private dining = party space

= pipe-frame exercise unit X = makeshift home
finpprinting= digital imaging
ffltlOdl|= big woman JlinKlES = the user population apflrtmEI)t= dwelling unit
committee = task force

= room attendant = product specialist

bO(l lOOItt = nonperforming assets SEQSJCknCSS = motion discomfort
QQRQS = nontraditional organized crime CiUiliOIldEOtllS= collateral damage pl)ling]Oint= gaming resort IDOlE = beauty mark
giirbQgf COllECtiOl) = environmental services bfEOSt = white meat = dark meat = bio-solids

= ethnic cleansing = sports utility vehicle

= learning resources center jllllk mail = direct marketing SOdajerk = fountain attendant
soldiers and weapons = military assets
thirdflOOr= level three
illegal immigrant = guest worker
JEtSKI = personal watercraft
loafers

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GEORGE CARLIN

I know I’m a little late with his, but I’d like to get a f licks in on this bogus topic before it completely disappea from everyone’s consciousness.

First, I want to be really clear about one thing: as far as other people’s feelings are concerned—especially these “victim groups”—when I deal with them as individuals, I will call them whatever they want. When it’s one on one, if some guy wants me to call him a morbidly obese, African-ancestored male with a same-gendered sexual orientation I’ll be glad to do that. On the other hand, if he wants me to call him a fat nigger cocksucker, then that’s what it will be. I’m here to please.

If I meet a woman who wishes to be referred to as a motion-impaired, same-gender-oriented Italian-American who is difficult to deal with, fine. On the other hand, I am perfectly willing to call her a crippled, Guinea dyke cunt if she prefers. I’m not trying to change anyone’s self-image. But! But! When I am speaking generally, and impersonally, about a large group of people, especially these victim groups, I will call them what I think is honest and fair. And I will try not to bullshit myself.

OK, so, who exactly are these victims? Well, first of all,
I don’t think everyone who says he’s a victim automatically
qualifies. I don’t think a homely, disfigured, bald minority
person with a room-temperature IQ who limps and stutters
is necessarily always a victim. Although I will say she prob
ably shouldn’t be out trying to get work as a receptionist.
But maybe that’s just the way it oughta be. ;
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I’m more interested in real victims. People who have been chronically and systematically fucked over by the system. Because the United States is a Christian racist nation with a rigged economic system run for three hundred years by the least morally qualified of the two sexes, there were bound to be some real victims. People who’ve been elaborately fucked over.

The way I see it, this country has only four real victim-groups: Indians, blacks, women, and gays. I purposely left out the Spanish and Asians, because when you look at what happened to the Indians and blacks, the Spanish and Asian people have had a walk in the park. It’s not even close. Not to downplay the shit they’ve had to eat, but in about one hundred years the Spanish and Asians are going to be running this country, so they’ll have plenty of chances to get even with the gray people.

Let’s get to some of these other non-victims. You probably noticed, elsewhere I used the word fat. I used that word because that’s what fat people are. They’re fat. They’re not large; they’re not stout, chunky, hefty, or plump. And they’re not big-boned. Dinosaurs are big-boned. These people are not necessarily obese, either. Obese is a medical term. And they’re not overweight. Overweight implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it’s not fat. Only people are fat, and that’s what fat people are. They’re fat. I offer no apology for this. It is not intended as criticism or insult. It is simply descriptive language. I don’t like euphemisms. Euphemisms are a form of lying. Fat people are not gravitationally disad-vantaged. They’re fat. I prefer seeing things the way they are, not the way some people wish they were.

GEORGE CARLIN

brain d r o p p i n

; I don’t believe certain groups deserve extra-special
?m names.
w

For instance, midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs They’re not little people. Infants are little people; leprechauns are little people. Midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs
0 They don’t get any taller by calling them little people. I wish their lives were different. I wish they didn’t have to walk
\ around staring at other people’s crotches, but I can’t fix that. And I’m not going to lie about what they are. The politically sensitive language commandos would probably like me to call them “vertically challenged.” They’re not vertically challenged. A skydiver is vertically challenged. The person who designed the Empire State Building was vertically challenged.
6 Midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs.

Also, crippled people are crippled, they’re not differently-abled. If you insist on using tortured language like differently-abled, then you must include all of us. We’re all differently-abled. You can do things I can’t do; I can do
. things you can’t do. I can pick my nose with my thumb, and I can switch hands while masturbating and gain a stroke. We’re all differently-abled. Crippled people are simply crippled. It’s a perfectly honorable word. There is no shame in it. It’s in the Bible: “Jesus healed the cripples.” He
^ didn’t engage in rehabilitative strategies for the physically disadvantaged.

So, leaving aside women and gays for the moment, I’ve narrowed it down to blacks and Indians. Let’s talk about what we ought to call them, and let’s talk about what the language commandos would like us to call them. And remember, this

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has nothing to do with the people themselves. It has to do with the words.

And, by the way, when it comes to these liberal language vandals, I must say I agree with their underlying premise: White Europeans and their descendants are morally unattractive people who are responsible for most of the world’s suffering. That part is easy. You would have to be, uh, visually impaired not to see it. The impulse behind political correctness is a good one. But like every good impulse in America it has been grotesquely distorted beyond usefulness.

Clearly, there are victims, but I don’t agree that these failed campus revolutionaries know what to do about them. When they’re not busy curtailing freedom of speech, they’re running around inventing absurd hyphenated names designed to make people feel better. Remember, these are the white elitists in their customary paternalistic role: protecting helpless, inept minority victims. Big Daddy White Boss always knows best.

So, let me tell you how I handle some of these speech issues. First of all, I say “black.” I say “black” because most black people prefer “black.” I don’t say “people of color.” People of color sounds like something you see when you’re on mushrooms. Besides, the use of people of color is dishonest. It means precisely the same as colored people. If you’re not willing to say “colored people,” you shouldn’t be saying “people of color.”

Besides, the whole idea of color is bullshit anyway. What should we call white people? “People of no color”? Isn’t pink a color? In fact, white people are not really white at all, they’re

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GEORGE CARL I N
different shades of pink, olive, and beige. In other word 5 they’re colored. And black people are rarely black. I see most’ ly different shades of brown and tan. In fact, some light-skinned black people are lighter than the darkest white people Look how dark the people in India are. They’re dark brown, but 4 they’re considered white people. What’s going on here? May I see the color chart? “People of color” is an awkward, bullshit, *, liberal-guilt phrase that obscures meaning rather than enhancing it. Shall we call fat people, “people of size”?

By the way, I think the whole reason we’re encouraged in this country to think of ourselves as “black and white” (instead of “pink and brown,” which is what we are) is that black and white are complete opposites that cannot be rec-

I also don’t say “African-American.” I find it completely illogical, and furthermore it’s confusing. Which part of Africa are we talking about? What about Egypt? Egypt is in Africa. Egyptians aren’t black. They’re like the people in India, they’re dark brown white people. But they’re Africans. So why wouldn’t an Egyptian who becomes a U.S. citizen be ^ an African-American?
The same thing goes for the Republic of South Africa.
Suppose a white racist from South Africa becomes an
American citizen? Well, first of all he’d find plenty of com
pany, but couldn’t he also be called an African-American? It
, seems to me that a racist white South-African guy could

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come here and call himself African-American just to piss off black people. And, by the way, what about a black person born in South Africa who moves here and becomes a citizen? What is he? An African-South-African-American? Or a South-African-African-American?

All right, back to this hemisphere. How about a black woman who is a citizen of Jamaica? According to P.C. doctrine, she’s an African-Jamaican, right? But if she becomes a U.S. citizen, she’s a Jamaican-American. And yet if one of these language crusaders saw her on the street, he’d think she was an African-American. Unless he knew her personally in which case he would have to decide between African-Jamaican-American and Jamaican-African-American. Ya know? It’s just so much liberal bullshit. Labels divide people. We need fewer labels, not more.

Now, the Indians. I call them Indians because that’s what they are. They’re Indians. There’s nothing wrong with the word Indian. First of all, it’s important to know that the word Indian does not derive from Columbus mistakenly believing he had reached “India.” India was not even called by that name in 1492; it was known as Hindustan. More likely, the word Indian comes from Columbus’s description of the people he found here. He was an Italian, and did not speak or write very good Spanish, so in his written accounts he called the Indians, “Una gente in Dios.” A people in God. In God. In Dios. Indians. It’s a perfectly noble and
respectable word.

So let’s look at this pussified, trendy bullshit phrase, Native Americans. First of all, they’re not natives. They came over the

EORCE CARLIN

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Bering land bridge from Asia, so they’re not natives. There ar no natives anywhere in the world. Everyone is from somewhere else. All people are refugees, immigrants, or aliens If there were natives anywhere, they would be people who still live in the Great Rift valley in Africa where the human species arose. Everyone else is just visiting. So much for the “native” part of Native American.

As far as calling them “Americans” is concerned, do I even have to point out what an insult this is? Jesus Holy Shit Christ! We steal their hemisphere, kill twenty or so million* of them, destroy five hundred separate cultures, herd the survivors onto the worst land we can find, and now we want to name them after ourselves? It’s appalling. Haven’t we done enough damage? Do we have to further degrade them by tagging them with the repulsive name of their conquerers?

And as far as these classroom liberals who insist on saying “Native American” are concerned, here’s something they should be told: It’s not up to you to name people and tell them what they ought to be called. If you’d leave the classroom once in a while, you’d find that most Indians are insulted by the term Native American. The American Indian Movement will tell you that if you ask them.

The phrase “Native American” was invented by the U.S. government Department of the Interior in 1970. It is an inventory term used to keep track of people. It includes Hawaiians, Eskimos, Samoans, Micronesians, Polynesians, and Aleuts. Anyone who uses the phrase Native American
‘ Before 1492 there were 25 million people in Central America. By 1579 there were 2 million.

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is assisting the U.S. government in its effort to obliterate people’s true identities.

Do you want to know what the Indians would like to be called? Their real names: Adirondack, Delaware, Massachuset, Narraganset, Potomac, Illinois, Miami, Alabama, Ottawa, Waco, Wichita, Mohave, Shasta, Yuma, Erie, Huron, Susquehanna, Natchez, Mobile, Yakima, Wallawalla, Muskogee, Spokan, Iowa, Missouri, Omaha, Kansa, Biloxi, Dakota, Hatteras, Klamath, Caddo, Tillamook, Washoe, Cayuga, Oneida, Onondaga, Seneca, Laguna, Santa Ana, Winnebago, Pecos, Cheyenne, Menominee, Yankton, Apalachee, Chinook, Catawba, Santa Clara, Taos, Arapaho, Blackfoot, Blackfeet, Chippewa, Cree, Cheyenne, Mohawk, Tuscarora, Cherokee, Seminole, Choctaw, Chickasaw, Comanche, Shoshone, Two Kettle, Sans Arc, Chiricahua, Kiowa, Mescalero, Navajo, Nez Perce, Potawatomi, Shawnee, Pawnee, Chickahominy, Flathead, Santee, Assiniboin, Oglala, Miniconjou, Osage, Crow, Brule, Hunkpapa, Pima, Zuni, Hopi, Paiute, Creek, Kickapoo, Ojibwa, Shinnicock.