Brain Droppings (17 page)

long before man discouered fire, he had sand and ujater to put it out with.
When you look at some of Picasso’s paintings, it makes you wonder what kind of women he visualized when he masturbated.
n
Cancer is caused by a f Ear of malignant tumors.
onesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that, apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. Second is not all that bad.
You don’t meet many Japanese guys named BifF.
We use the sun to make electricity, and then we use the electricity to operate sun lamps and tanning machines.
I’m unusual in one respect. My lucky number is 541,633.
A laugh is a smile with a hole in it.
eople in the central and mountain time zones are getting too much sleep. Their late news comes on at 10 P.M., an hour earlier than in coastal time zones, and yet the morning talk shows come on at 7 A.M., the same as the rest of the country. So, central and mountain people are getting an extra hour’s sleep. I think it makes them sluggish.
I NEVER LIKED A HAH
I DIDII’T flEET
Preparation H is olso good for a fat lip.

204

GEORGE

C A R L I N

b r a

droppings

you
It’s annoying to have a song running through your mind all day that
can’t stop humming. Especially if it’s something difficult like “Flight of th
Bumblebee.”
?
‘II bet you and I are a lot alike. Did you ever get together with a bunch of people and hang someone? Isn’t it awful? You just want the guy’s body to stop spasming. Every time I do it, I say, “This is absolutely the last time I’m doin’ this.” And still I go back.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough
money not to quit. ,,
recently read that some guy had killed his girlfriend. You know, it’s
always been my contention that at the moment you decide to kill your
girlfriend, that decision is tantamount to breaking off the relationship.
Therefore, at the time you kill the person in question she is actually no
longer your girlfriend. i ?…..
In reverse order, our last eight presidents: A hillbilly wilh a permanent hard-on; an upper-class bureaucrat-twit; an actor-imbecile; a born-again Christian peanut farmer; an unelected college football lineman; a paranoid moral dwarf; a vulgar cowboy criminal; and a mediocre playboy sex fiend.
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heard that crime has increased so much it is now a growth industry. My worry is that if it continues to grow at the current rate it will attract the criminal element.

I |yjew York State a fourteen-year-old can get married but he can’t drive, he is forced to go on his honeymoon on a bicycle or a skateboard.
SURF’S DOWn FOREVER
?? here is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach
I contracting skin cancer, in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory
I appearance of good health while germ-laden medical waste washes
%| up on the sand all around them.
lhe New Testament is not new anymore; it’s thousands of years old. It’s time to start calling it The Less Old Testament.
I saw a fast-food commercial where they were selling a sandwich made of pork fat dipped in butter and egg yolk, deep-fried in lard, wrapped in bacon, and topped with cheddar cheese. They call it “Plaque on a Bun.”
Crooked judges Hue on fixed incomES.
In the drugstore, how do you know if you’re buying a sundry, a notion, or an incidental? ;- “”
r Mr has no suffix, but suffix has o prefix.
I have no sympathy for single dads. They got into their marriages because they wanted steady pussy. Steady pussy leads to babies. After the novelty wears off, the marriage goes away. Single dads. Big fuckin’ deal.

I read that a Detroit man and his friend were arrested because they had forced the man’s five-year-old son to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, perform oral sex on them. Can you imagine? Cigarettes!

It
s neither here nor there.” Well, folks, it’s gotta be somewhere. I certainly
don’t have it.
If Q really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

3 E 0 R G E

C A R L I N

b r a

droppings

ermany lost World War II because Hitler was completely distracted by ill-fitting clothing that he was constantly adjusting during the last two years of the war.
The best exomple of a housekeeper is a diuorced woman.
I read somewhere that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted. How can they know that?
flRS. 000DWREIKH IS ALESDIAH
low your nose” is an interesting phrase. Because you don’t really blow your nose, you blow out through your nose. If you blew your nose, I think they’d put you away. You might get someone else to blow your nose, but he would have to be a really close friend. Or completely drunk.
Just when I began to find myself, depersonalization came in.
I enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Walking down the jetway to board my plane I’ll often turn to a stranger and say, “Boy, I sure hope we don’t crash into a cornfield today. If we do go down in flames, I hope we hit some houses. Or a school.”
When are they gonna come up with some new Christmas carols?
I ou know you’re getting old when you begin to leave the same smell in the bathroom your parents did.

I
sn’t it interesting that only sex and excretion can be found legally obscene in this country? Not violence, not neglect, not abuse of humans. Only shitting and fucking; two of nature’s most necessary functions and irresistible forces. We’re always trying to control and thwart nature, even in our language. Fuck that shit!
lou show me something that doesn’t cause cancer, and I’ll show you something that isn’t on the market yet.
Urown-ups have great power. They can order candy on credit over the telephone and have it delivered. Wow.
u
lleart disease changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon just for the smell.
It has become very easy to buy a gun. It used to be, “I have a gun, give some money.” Now it’s, “I have some money, give me a gun.”
YOU ARE All DISEASED
If you ever meet twins, talk to just one of them. It drives the other one crazy.
me
t
o promote their hog-raising industry, each year the state of Iowa selects a young woman and names her Pork Queen. How would you like to tell the guys down at the gas station that your daughter is the Pork Queen? W hat exactly is “viewer discretion”? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. c
Uomeday I wanna see the Pope come out on that balcony and give the football scores.

208

GEORGE CARL1N

brain droppings

A seven-day waiting period for purchasing a handgun is stupid. It just gives the buyer that much more time to think of people he’d like to kill. Now instead of a single murder, you’ve got a multiple homicide on your hands
HOUE you cucr tome suddenly, intensely amore of your legs?
OUR OHU HOPE IS IHSAHE LEADERSHIP
Remember, inside euery siluer lining there’s u dork cloud.
or the last twenty-five years I’ve done over one hundred shows a year, each one attended by about two thousand people. More than five million people in all. I often wonder if anyone was ever killed while driving to or from one of my shows. If so, I blame myself.
Where is this guy Christo uihen I need something wrapped at Christmas?
I’m not worried about guns in school. You know what I’m waitin’ for? Guns in church! That’s gonna be a lotta fun.
If you look around carefully the next time you go out, you’ll notice that there are some really fucked-up-looking people walking around.
Dogs leod a nice life. You neuer see a dog with a mristuiotch.
When you close your eyes and rub real hard, do you see that checker-board pattern?
If cockpit voice recorders are so indestructible, why don’t they just build an airplane that’s one big cockpit voice recorder?
000D HEWS: Ten golfers o year ore hit by lightning.

n a trial, if they break for lunch during someone’s testimony, they always remind him afterward that he’s still under oath. That means that all during lunch he was sworn to tell the truth. So, if someone asks him, “How’s the soup?” he better be goddamn sure he gives an honest answer. “How’s the soup?” “Objection! Calls for a conclusion!”
Cue been working on accepting my inner scumbag.
Mow do they get all those Down’s syndrome kids to look the same?
Santa is satan spelled inside out.
Don’t you lose faith in your dog’s intelligence when he takes a piss and then steps in it?
There was no Big Bang. There was just a Big Hand Job.
At my supermarket, I get on a checkout line marked “no items,” and pay for things other people forgot to buy.
fly fauorite country song is, “I Shoulda Fucked Old What’s-Her-name!’
Une consolation about memory loss in old age is that you also forget a lot of things you didn’t intend to remember in the first place.
There’s actually something called the Table Tennis Hall of Fame.
ometimes, during a big funeral that’s being shown on TV, you’ll see some really good-looking female mourners. But they never keep the cameras on them long enough to get a good careful look. And you can’t see their eyes because a lot of times they’re wearing sunglasses. It’s frustrating. I happen to be particularly attracted to grief-stricken women.

210

EORCE CARLIN
THE DODGERS
EAT SHIT
fhat year in world history do you suppose the first person with really clean
ingernails appeared?
/hat exactly is “midair”? Is there some other part of air besides the “mid” part?
Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
he sound of one hand clapping is the same as the sound of a tree falling in he forest when no one is there to hear it.
What clinic did Betty Ford go to?
ouldn’t it be weird if the only way people could die was that their heads suddenly exploded without warning? If there was simply no other cause of death? One day you’d be sitting there having a hot chocolate, and suddenly your head would explode. You know something? I’ll bet people would get used to it.
You know what they don’t haue? Cake-f louored pie.
‘d like to live in a country where the official motto was, “You never know.” t would help me relax.

can’t wait until we get a really evil president. Not devious and cunning like Mixon and Johnson. But really, really evil. Cod, it would be so refreshing!
I ou know you’re getting old when, after taking a leak, you shake your dick ind dust comes out.
I auoid any restaurant that features Kaopectate on draft.

brain droppings
I)
anks tell you to maintain a “minimum balance.” I first learned about minimum balance from my uncle. He would come over to our house, drink a quart of wine, and try to stand up. That was minimum balance.
ANOTHER [REl FOR PEACE
[very now and then, on a certain days, in the late afternoon the air takes on a weird kind of purply, rose-colored light. What is that?
The neutron bomb is very Republican; it leaves property alone and concentrates on destroying large numbers of people indiscriminately.
I)
eing a comedian, I would love to see a production of Hamlet that included a drummer, so they could use rim shots to highlight the really good lines. “To be or not to be. That is the question.” Ba-dum-bum!
I have no problem with the cigar smoking trend. If some guy wants to put a big, steaming turd in his mouth and suck on it, who am I to complain? Why are we so surprised when terrorists manage to get a bomb on an airplane? Drug traffickers get things on airplanes all the time.
When you reach a certain age there comes a time when everyone you know
is sick.
ow can people take the Olympics seriously? Judges vote politically, athletes cheat on drugs, xenophobes run wild, and the whole thing is one big greed-driven logo competition.
Somehow, it’s hard to picture butterflies fucking.

212

GEORGE

C A R L I N

brain droppings

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at a picture of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
A deaf-mute carrying two large suitcases has rendered himself speechless.
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I
t’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.
Whenever I see a picture of the General Assembly of the United Nations, I wonder how many of the delegates are whacked on drugs.
UI
ith all the cars, buses, trucks, airplanes, electric motors, gasoline engines, diesel engines, compressors, turbines, drills, fans, pumps, and generators running all the time, shouldn’t the Earth now be making a loud humming sound as it moves around the sun?
The pores in a latex condom are one micron in size. The human immunodeficiency virus is one half micron. So, what’s all this stuff about safe sex?
Mail 1 walking. How perfect! Staying fit without having to take your eyes off the merchandise that got you out of shape in the first place.
I’m sixty, and I don’t need child-resistant caps on my medicine bottles. They say, “Well, someone with children might come and visit you.” Fuck ‘em! They’re on their own. Let ‘em take their chances. Anyone who visits me is accepting a certain level of risk in the first place.
c
an you imagine the increase in violence there would be if no one could lie? If we could all read each other’s minds? Also, think of all the additional crying there would be.

A pager is an electronic leash, the better for your controllers to control you. One more sign that your life belongs to someone else.
forty-five million people go to national parks each year. To get away from the other twojjundred million.
‘,’ Aliuays do LUhateuer’s next.
That invisible hand of Adam Smith’s seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
If you want to know how fucked up the people in this country are, just look at television. Not the programs, not the news. The commercials. Just watch only the commercials for about a week, and you’ll see how fucked up the people in this country really are.
heater and sports are similar, with minor differences: In theater, after rehearsing, the actors leave dressing rooms in costume to perform shows on stages in front of audiences. In sports, after practicing, the athletes leave locker rooms in uniform to play games on fields in front of spectators. And although it’s true that both fields have agents, only the theater has makeup.
Sooner or later, your parents die.
Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you I care if a man you’re planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to piss him off.
for many years, the Grand Ole Opry did not allow drums onstage.