Breaker (Ondine Quartet Book 4) (65 page)

My foot hit land. I stood, stumbling forward through shallow waters until I collapsed onto a rocky shore.

Pain slammed into me. My entire body seized.

The ache in my brain exploded.

My mind shattered.

I gagged, tears streaming down my face as the force of eighteen years worth of memories and experiences surged through me all at once.

Every pain, every joy, every longing, disappointment, rage, and grief squeezed into a violent crush of memories.

My body felt too small, my chest too puny. Every part of this self, too fragile to handle the force of it.

My chest heaved and ribs strained as my diaphragm attempted to help my lungs pump oxygen faster.

I fell forward. Black crowded my vision.

The faint sound of footsteps.

“Oh my God —“

“Kendra!”

“That’s impossible—“

“Easy.” A warm hand gripped my upper arm. “Easy now, Kendra. Just try to breathe normally.”

I couldn’t speak.

I couldn’t move.

Darkness claimed me.

***

“You brought me back.”

I sit on the ledge outside his home, the pink sunset warming my legs.

“You brought yourself back,” he says. “Magic simply guided you back to what you already knew.”

“But I’m not the same.”

I feel it, a sharp loss as if something has been taken that I can never have back.

“It was the cost you had to pay to return.”

“But if I’m no longer me, then who am I?”

Monstrous eyes peer at me. “That is a question only you can answer.”

FORTY-ONE

A soft stillness had settled over the cabin, broken only by the merry crackle of the fire.

I finished the last page of the book and closed it. Sherlock Holmes may’ve been an asshole, but he was a clever asshole.
 

The fire had dimmed. I’d need to add logs soon.

I rose from the rocking chair and worked out the kinks in my neck.
 

A snap came from outside.
 

I paused.

Nothing else. Probably an animal scavenging for food.

Humming under my breath, I headed into the kitchen.
 

Yesterday, I’d tried a new holiday cookie recipe and it’d been received with resounding success. Today was definitely the time to give holiday fudge a whirl.

I opened the refrigerator, pulled out a few ingredients, and placed them on the counter.
 

The floor creaked behind me.

Pure instinct kicked in.

I dropped. The fist missed my cheekbone by a millimeter.
 

Male. Six feet. Fast as hell.

My body had no magic to fuel it, no familiar feel of current burning through me.
 

But my muscles remembered a lifetime of training and they reacted.

Another kick drove straight toward my chest.
 

I whirled, my elbow crushing against the intruder’s back.

He grunted. His shoulder plowed into my stomach, driving me up against the sink.

Damn, that hurt.
 

Plates and cups went flying. I needed more room to maneuver. Using the sink as leverage, I twisted and lodged my knee between us. He jerked back and I used his imbalance to drive him into the living area.

We crashed against the rocking chair. I pulled my arm back so I could get in a hit while he was down.

Too late.

He leaped up and his fist blurred. A crack of pain shot up my jaw and I staggered back.

In one effortless motion, he pounced, pinning me against the ground.

“Do you have any idea what we’ve been through?” Dark blue eyes blazed. “We thought you were fucking dead!”

My mouth managed to work past the shock.

“Julian.”

His forearm pressed against my throat. “At least you remember who I am and you haven’t pissed away everything I taught you.”

“What…” I forced myself through the shock. “Why are you here?”

He removed his arm and stood above me.

“I’m here because it’s about time you remembered who you are.”
 

***

We sat on the enclosed porch, watching the sun make its way over the sky, sipping hot tea as the surface of the lake transformed from silvery blue to the deep purple of evening.
 

I told him what Patrice had told me. The truth about a she’d always been too afraid to share with Augustin or Julian.

“She was scared of losing you even more than she already had,” I said softly. “I think she always meant to tell you, eventually, but…”

But time had run out as it so very often did.

“Thanks for telling me,” he said. “I’ll talk to my father.”

I needed to know. “Did Chloe —“

“She didn’t make it.” He looked at me. “I’m sorry, Kendra.”

I nodded, swallowing back the terrible lump of pain welling in my throat.

A lot of that night had become a blur. It was my mind’s way of processing everything, keeping most of the worst parts slightly pushed back.

But the flash of blonde hair had remained sharp in my memories, occasionally surfacing in my dreams.

“She left everything to Lumiere’s ondine training program,” he said. “In her will, she stated it was where she felt the happiest because it was where she’d found herself. They’re using the Moreaux house as a dorm for ondines who come to Haverleau to train.”

I remembered her beautiful smile. That sounded exactly like her.

“Did you decide to stay in Haverleau?”

“I’m at Rivelleu now.” He paused. “Catrin needed someone after Fujio and asked me if I’d like to move to New York.”

It suited him.“How’s Helene?”

“A hellion. Why don’t you ask want you really want?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“They’re all waiting for you. That was a hell of a move putting Aubrey as Governor.”

“That was all your father’s doing.”

He shook his head. “He told me it was your idea.”

When I first left the Governorship to go after Ian, I wasn’t sure what would happen to me. I didn’t know if I’d find him or the Shadow, if I’d live or die.

I needed to ensure that Haverleau remained safe.

The documents Patrice signed gave her temporary governorship. But since I didn’t trust her completely and didn’t want to leave Haverleau in her hands forever, I’d added an additional provision.

Should Patrice fail to end the war after a year, or should anything happen to her, then the Governorship was to go to Aubrey.

She was always the brightest ondine I’d ever met. She was born for that office.

“How is she doing?”

“Kicking ass and taking names. You should see her whip that Council into gear. Everyone loves her.”

A faint flash of regret. I’d promised her I wouldn’t leave.
 

“It’s been six months since the end of the war. Two months since you’ve returned.”

I didn’t answer.

“He’s waiting for you.” Julian glanced at me. “When are you planning to stop hiding?”
 

I took another sip. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Really? Cause the Kendra I knew would’ve been bored out of her mind sitting on a porch drinking tea.”

I shifted. “Maybe she no longer exists.”

“Listen to me.” He faced me. “I’m actually trying to convince you to return to Haverleau. If you’d told me that a year ago I would’ve laughed my ass off.”

“Coming back had a cost, LeVeq. I don’t have my magic any more.”

There was only what remained of my connection with Valeil, the brand that still marked my chest. It was a magic that did not belong to me.

“So?”

“So the war is over. I’m not the
sondaleur
, I’m not an ondine and —“

“Have you forgotten about that mark on your arm?”

My gaze reluctantly turned to the
kouperet
tattoo on my inner arm, just beneath my wrist. “Of course not.”

Receiving it had been the greatest moment in my life.

Julian leaned forward. “You may not have magic. You may not be an ondine or
sondaleur
or Redavi or any other title. But that mark means you’re still a chevalier.”

My hands tightened. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Without magic I can’t fight —“

“Says who?”

“You saw what happened earlier.”

I’d barely managed to get a few hits in and those were just muscle memory.

“What I saw was an ondine who could kick the ass of almost every chevalier I know, as well as a few gardinels.”

Flattery was one thing, but this was ridiculous. I stiffened. “I don’t need pity, LeVeq —“

“I can’t believe you haven’t figured it out by now. Magic never made you stronger or faster or better. That was all you. All your Virtue did was fuel your instincts, remind you to trust yourself, to listen to what you already knew.”

I shook my head. “I know what Empath did. I felt it.”

He shrugged. “Fine, if that’s what you want to believe. But I’m the one that trained you, that just sparred with you.” He stood, lifted his sweater, and showed me his back. “A chevalier lieutenant who now has what feels like a pretty decent bruise.”

It was purple and faint, but he was right. It was where I’d elbowed him.

Beneath that, a thin, white scar stretched across his rib cage.
 

Every time I remembered him on the Chamber floor, his blood helplessly slipping through my hands, my insides went cold.
 

I stared at the scar. “How?”

“Nexa.” Julian dropped his sweater. Grief tightened his face. “Healers transfused her life essence into me.”
 

She’d exchanged her life for the great-grandson she’d raised.

Suddenly, nothing else really mattered.

I stood. “I’m glad you didn’t die.”

“I’m glad you didn’t die, either.”

We hugged.
 

“Think about what I said,” he murmured.

“I will. Thanks.”

He left.
 

I sat on that porch all afternoon, wrapped in a thick, comfortable quilt, watching the sun slowly drop in the sky and approach that spot between the sky and sea.

The cabin door creaked open behind me.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” I asked. “You called him.”

“I thought it was about time you had more than an old man’s company.” Daniel settled into the chair beside me. “Thought you might need a friend.”

I leaned back. “More of your doctoring huh?”

“You know it’s time.”

My throat felt raw. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m afraid.”

“Of what?” His gentle voice made the rawness worse.

“Because it wasn’t supposed to be this way.”
 

The war was over. My role in it was over.

I was no longer an ondine. But not quite a human, either.

I didn’t fit here. I didn’t fit there.

“Haverleau, the chevaliers, they await you.”

“I can’t fight without magic —“

“Is that what Julian said?”

“No. But he’s wrong.”

Daniel raised his brow.

I sighed. “It’s impossible. I know what I felt.”

Daniel stood and entered the cabin. A minute later he returned with a single document.

“When you were injured in the Selkie Kingdom, you sank into a pretty deep coma.”

I remembered. I’d been out for four days.

“Besides the treatment of the Healers, I also monitored your progress. And since I’d just put the finishing touches on my device, I decided to try it out on you. I ran a magical scan before they began treatment.”

He showed me the document. It was the same print out of a female form. Unlike the one he showed me after I returned from GrandView, this one had no colorful dots.
 

Only a cluster of bright red along my right hand. Everywhere else was blank.

“I don’t understand.”

“Magic always leaves a residue. It’s what that instrument tracks. After all that fighting, after the amount of energy and magic you expended in that battle, there was no residue of it in your body. Only in your hand.”

The hand that gripped my dagger.

“Your Virtue never enabled you to fight, Kendra. It infused your dagger with the magic necessary to kill Aquidae. But the strength, the training and skill, your speed. All of that was you. The result of your training with Naida, the legacy of what you learned from her.”

My throat tightened.

“But I felt it. Empath made me stronger.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Daniel leaned back with a speculative look. “I’m certainly no expert on magic but I suspect you emotionally fed off your power. The greater the emotions of those around you, the greater your emotional reaction to it.”

He gave a rueful smile. “Empath did strengthen you, Kendra. When others believe in you, it becomes easier to believe in yourself.”

Maybe I could still fight.
 

But that didn’t change the fundamental problem.
 

Every single waking moment of my life had been dedicated toward ending the war. It had been my mother’s purpose, one I’d inherited and carried through to the end.

Without that purpose, I no longer knew what I wanted.

It was as if I’d walked a single road my entire life and it had been yanked away from beneath me, leaving me suspended in the air.
 

“I feel like I don’t know how to move forward,” I said carefully. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do without the war.”

Did I return to the human world? How could I when I knew what existed?

Did I return to Haverleau, to a society in which I had no money, no magic, no particular abilities?

I’d never imagined a me without magic. And now that I didn’t have it, I desperately threw myself into one thing after the next in the hopes of finding an answer.
 

Reading, baking, knitting…I’d thought all of them were a means of finding my way forward.
 

But maybe they were all distractions to hide behind.

“Was medicine all you ever wanted to do? Was it your dream, your purpose?”

“Doctors spend years, their entire lives, trying to improve so we can better help our patients.” He paused. “I’ll never forget the first time I saw a Healer fix someone with magic. It was devastating. All those years I’d devoted to becoming a better doctor and she could heal an injury with one swipe of her hand.”