I broke like a dam collapsing. Torrents of
emotion poured through me. Grief began to wrack my body, growing
inside of me until I could barely breathe. Harleen reached out and
took my hand. I let her; the touch of human flesh was
comforting.
With a warm smile, Harleen removed a notebook
and pen from her briefcase. She handed them to me.
“
Jack, I encourage you to write
down any thoughts, feelings, or images you might have. Maybe start
with what you remember about your family. Journaling is a powerful
tool that connects us to people, places, and events in our life.
The brain has a way of opening our minds through our hands, of
letting our thoughts pour out onto the paper. Often we find out
things about ourselves that we have repressed, demanded to be
silent.”
Turning my head, I stared at the empty table
near my bed.
“Jack, you need to rest. You were brought here
without any personal belongings. Are there some things you would
like?”
“
Yes, I would like my family to be
here with me.”
“
I'm sorry Jack, but, they can't
be here.”
“
What do you mean they can't be
here!?”
“
Jack, you're sick. We need to
focus on getting you better. We need to understand what triggered
your breakdown.”
“
But I need to see my family! I
need them to be here with me!”
“
Jack, you need to work with me.
We need to understand what happened first. Then we can talk about
your family.”
The valium was preventing me from
protesting.
“
Will you at least bring me a
picture of them?” I asked.
“
Sure, Jack, where can I find
one?”
“
There’s one on the dresser in my
bedroom.”
Harleen’s comforting eyes landed on mine,
which made me feel a little better.
“
Of course Jack, I will get the
picture. Now, get some sleep. We will talk in the
morning.”
Harleen touched my arm endearingly. She
gathered her things, tapped on the door, and left.
DREAM
I am sitting next to my mother, who is
signing a pile of consent forms in a doctor’s office. A nurse walks
out of the back room and calls for my mother.
“Cindy, we are ready for you
sweetheart.”
My mother gets up and grabs my
hand.
“Sugar, you might want to
leave him in the lobby.”
“He’s fine!” My mother
demands.
“I am not sure that’s a good
idea,” the Nurse challenges.
“Don’t tell me what’s good for
my son!”
Conceding defeat, the nurse escorts us
into an examining room.
“You have been here before,
Cindy. You know the routine,” the nurse explains.
My mother sits me down in a chair in the
corner of the room, then hands me my favorite Dr. Seuss
book.
“Sit here and read while I
talk to the doctor,” she tells me.
My mother removes her clothes and puts on
a medical gown. sShe walks over to the examining table and puts her
feet into a set of metal stirrups.
I start to laugh. I tell her she looks
funny.
“Be quiet, goddam it!” she
barks at me.
“Sorry,” I say as I go back to
reading my book.
The door opens and the doctor walks into
the room, flanked by two nurses in traditional white uniforms. The
doctor says good morning and my mother returns the greeting. Then
the nurses began to prepare her for the procedure.
“I don’t want this baby! Get
this thing out of me! I don't want to make the same mistake twice!”
my mother yells.
Looking at a picture of Sam-I-Am, who was
holding a plate of green eggs and ham, I hear the hate in her
voice.
I see the doctor holding what looks like a
vacuum hose that is literally sucking the life out of
her.
“Ahhhhhhh! Get this thing out
of me! I hate you. I hate you! Get out of me!” my mother
screams.
Startled, I get out of my chair. I get
closer. I see a head coming out of her womb. Horrified, I step back
when I see the baby’s face. It was mine!
When I woke my mind wouldn’t stop racing. I
was completely alone, just myself and my thoughts. Bound to my
room, I couldn’t escape them. I don’t know why my dream made me
think about Brooke. Maybe it’s because she and my mother are the
two people who have hurt me the most in life. Yet I couldn’t stop
loving them. I kept thinking about how messed up things with Brooke
had become as I stared at the discolored cracks in the concrete
floor.
Each memory of her was a rift that was part of
an even bigger fracture of time. Before I knew it, I was lost in a
labyrinth of painful experiences, trying desperately to
escape.
Suddenly, the thought of her with another man
invaded my mind. I could envision them in our bed, the place where
my children once slept with us. Sadness crowded out my
anger.
How did we get to this place?
I
thought.
Our relationship wasn't always bad. Some of my
best memories in life were with Brooke. Like the secret hand signal
we would give each other when we wanted to say
I love you
.
We would curl our index finger between our nose and upper lip, then
gently swipe it downward towards our chin until it met our thumb.
There could be a thousand people around us and not one person would
know that we were secretly telling each other
I love
you
.
Brooke
CHAPTER TWO
““
So heavy
is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and
sometimes three.”
~Alexandre Dumas
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/28/2014 at 9:02 am:
Hey Brooke,
It was awesome seeing you at the
Alpha Kappa Psi reunion last night! What a blast! I'm feeling it
today big time :-( how are you feeling?
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/28/2014 at 9:05 am:
I'm feeling it today too! Do you
remember Matt talking about starting a sexual revolution?! WTF! I
guess some things never change :-)
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/28/2014 at 9:08 am:
OMG! Matt was so drunk! What are u
doing today?
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/28/2014 at 1:57 pm:
I need to meet my dad for dinner,
but I’m so sick I can’t get out of bed. Ugh!!!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/28/2014 at 2:01 pm:
I know, it’s 2 in the afternoon
and I haven’t gotten out of bed yet!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/28/2014 at 8:18 pm:
How was dinner with your
dad?
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/28/2014 at 8:22 pm:
I didn’t make it :-( I’m too
hungover.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/28/2014 at 8:30 pm:
That sucks! I just took a sleeping
pill and I’m about to go night night LOL I’ll talk to you in the
morning :-)
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/28/2014 at 8:32 pm:
Goodnight :-)
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/29/2014 at 7:45 am:
Good morning! Have you ever heard
the song "Do You Wish It Was Me" by Jason Aldean? I can't get it
out of my head.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/29/2014 at 7:49 am:
Yes, I love that song!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/29/2014 at 7:52 am:
Does it remind you of
me?
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/29/2014 at 8:01 am:
Maybe :-)
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/29/2014 at 8:04 am:
Not pursuing you in college was
one of my biggest mistakes.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/29/2014 at 8:07 am:
Well, that was a long time ago and
I was a much different person then.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/29/2014 at 8:11 am:
Sometimes I feel like I was
totally invisible in College. I was so shy back then :-(
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/29/2014 at 8:14 am:
I know! I always thought you were
cute, but you never seemed interested in me.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/29/2014 at 8:16 am:
Really? I had no idea.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/29/2014 at 8:18 am:
Yes, ding dong!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/29/2014 at 8:19 am:
Now, I'm starting to blush
lol
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/30/2014 at 8:03 am:
I was thinking about you last
night.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/30/2014 at 8:04 am:
I was thinking about you too.
Guess what?
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/30/2014 at 8:06 am:
What?
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/30/2014 at 8:08 am:
I wrote a book.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/30/2014 at 8:10 am:
Seriously! I didn't know u were a
writer... I want to read it! Is it published?
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/30/2014 at 8:11 am:
Not, yet. It needs a lot of
editing still.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/30/2014 at 8:12 am:
How long did it take you to write
it?
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/30/2014 at 8:14 am:
I have been working on it for
years, but it’s finally done. I just need someone to edit it
now.
I will email you a PDF copy
tonight. Thanks for reading it :-)
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/30/2014 at 8:16 am:
Absolutely... I'm a reader... Love
to edit too... I’ll edit it for you. I will be having a beer and
reading it tonight. Can't wait!!!
I have wanted to write about my
dysfunctional childhood... but never seem to have the
time!!!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/30/2014 at 8:18 am:
Lol the story you are reading is
my f’ed up childhood wrapped up in a crazy fictional twist. It gets
real crazy and a lot of its true!
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/30/2014 at 8:20 am:
Can't wait... Are your parents
still living? Mine continues to be absolutely crazy. Esp the last
three years...I want to get it down but don't know where to begin.
Maybe reading yours will help me get started!!!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/30/2014 at 8:23 am:
My mom overdosed on pills 2 yrs
ago and died. That's when I started the book. I think I needed to
get stuff out :-). My dad is still alive but he is a mess
lol
You should record your thoughts
and stories. That's what I did. Then I wrote from that.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 5/30/2014 at 8:25 am:
I'm sorry about your mom
:(
Both my parents are a mess, my
brother too... I thought I came to terms with a lot of the crap...
But I'm not soooo sure. Sometimes it all still feels so crazy. And
trying to protect my kids from all of it... Btw your girls are
precious!!!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
5/30/2014 at 8:28 am:
I know the feeling. I do
everything to protect my kids from the crap I went through at the
expense of my own happiness. I thought I was dealing with things
well until my mom died. It brought a lot of stuff back.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 6/1/2014 at 9:30 am:
Wow... Just read... At lunch
now... Okay give me chapter 3 I'm hooked...
Was Joe the guy in chapter
one...the one in the dream? Well, I think it was a dream
...
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
6/1/2014 at 9:35 am:
Thanks! I will send you the first
6 chapters
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 6/1/2014 at 9:37 am:
Oh... Okay... I will read it
tonight and give feedback...
What I have read so far makes me
want to know more....
I want a take of your first
million... Ha!!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward
6/1/2014 at 9:39 am:
I will send you ch 7 this weekend
it’s about Joe meeting the love of his life. Do you want me to send
you the word doc version so you can just put your notes
there?
Facebook Message from Brooklyn
Page Napier 6/1/2014 at 9:40 am: