Breaking Walls (13 page)

“I’m not asking for the dance,” I said, throwing my hands up. “If you noticed, I haven’t mentioned it once since I came in here. You already made it perfectly clear that you don’t want my involvement.
I’m over it.
And all I really wanted, up until about an hour ago, was for you to let bygones be bygones. You’ve been attacking me left and right, and what I did—telling Gabe how I felt—that wasn’t personal to
any
of you. I liked you, Carla. I was rooting for you.
That’s
why I handed the dance over in the first place. And even after I apologized to you on Sunday, that wasn’t enough? You had to
steal
from me?” Her lips twisted into a vicious smirk. “I don’t get it! I’ve never been
anything
but nice to you?”

“Yeah, well, unfortunately for you, though, Mandy, being nice will get you nowhere in life,” she kept smiling, wide-eyed and beautiful as if everything on the inside still matched her gorgeous exterior. “You’ve already lost this competition, and I’ve made sure of it. You need to go ahead and accept that so you can move on. We’re done here.”

My feelings went beyond thankful that Georgia had assigned Mary Chris the article on the
Little Shop of Horrors
review. We were already through the first half of the show, and I couldn’t recall much of what had happened on stage. I knew Fletcher had done an awesome job portraying Seymour, but other than that, I couldn’t have named any of the other characters or identified much of the storyline.

My mind was too focused on how much I wanted to pummel Carla Tally.

“One half down, one to go,” Mary Chris said as the lights grew brighter at the beginning of the intermission. Everyone around us stood to stretch their legs, and some even started their way toward the bathrooms. “I guess you’re not enjoying it?”

I looked down to the program in my hands, the one that I’d shredded to pieces during the first act of the show.

“Oh, no, I am,” I lied. “I didn’t realize I’d…” I shook my head. “I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying much attention.”

“Oh.” She glanced up to the front where Gabe and Lashell were seated together. It didn’t take a genius to know he was one of the many things weighing heavily on my mind. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. No, it’s nothing. I’m just going to step out front and get a breath of fresh air,” I said, passing my tattered program over to her.

“You only have about fifteen minutes before—”

“I’ll be back,” I said.

I stood from my seat, hearing it bounce back in
an upright position as I walked down the aisle and for the doors leading outside. I followed a line of smokers out to the steps, but I didn’t stop right there. I needed a dose of fresh air, and I wouldn’t get that standing so close to the doors.

I walked down the stairs and into the parking lot, down a few aisles and over a row until I reached my assigned spot. I climbed up onto the hood of my car and sat cross-legged, staring at the small dent on the front of the hood—a tiny and mostly faded remnant of my first meeting with Gabe.

“Is this seat taken?”

Speak of the devil.

I peeked up to where he stood at the front bumper, kicking loose pebbles around on the pavement as he awaited my response.
Why did he follow me out here?

“Mandy?”

“No. You can sit.”

He hoisted himself up and slid over next to me, careful not to make any contact.

“So, you wanna talk about what happened earlier?”

“What…what happened?” All I really remembered was the fact that I’d tried talking to him about the library program
, and he brushed me off before I could explain what had gone wrong. I finally turned and met his gaze, and that was all it took—we connected again, our eyes locked.

My blood rushed and my heart thundered. My hands grew sweaty, my limbs weak. A shortness of breath caught me off guard, and I found it harder to breathe with each second he watched me. Suddenly I felt it all over again—the warmth, the tenderness, the rush of sweet familiarity. It was like nothing had ever changed, like we were right there again, back to those moments before everything had spiraled out of control. I could feel myself in his arms, warmed by his touch. A tickling sensation lingered on my knuckle, a remnant of a small kiss he’d once given me. I could hear his laugh, see his smile. And even though it was all gone, it was right there in his eyes.

When he held my stare, he held my heart, and there was no logical way to dispute that. No matter how angry I was, no matter how much I wanted to hate him, I was still irrevocably drawn to Gabriel Raddick and every moment we’d shared together.

I hated myself for missing him. I hated that my emotions had such control over me.

“I don’t know,” he said, breaking the gaze. He shrugged his shoulder and turned back. “I got a weird feeling, that’s all. Something was off. You weren’t yourself.”

“And who’s to say so?”

Gabe didn’t know; he had no way of knowing. I’d been beating myself senseless trying not to crash and burn every time I crossed his path. Adding in the pressure of my fights with Dad, Bailey, and Carla, I was barely hanging on by a thread. But he hadn’t been around. He hadn’t seen all of that. Gabe didn’t know what was going on or how I was handling everything. He didn’t know me well enough—or me in present day, anyway—to judge how unlike myself I was acting.

“Gabe, you’ve been avoiding me
at every given chance. You’ve barely looked at me, let alone spoken to me. Just because you had a good read on me two weeks ago doesn’t mean you know anything about what’s going on now. I’m being as much as myself as I know how to be. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough for you, or my being different somehow upsets you, but that’s just how it is now. Circumstances are different. Things have changed.”

He should’ve understood that better than anyone.

“You know, Mandy,” he said gently, “I asked you how you were doing back at Evergreen. I
tried
to talk to you, and you put on your business goggles and refused to look me in the eye. I
know
things have changed and circumstances are different, but what do you want me to say?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I mumbled under my breath. “It’s never mattered.”

“Of course, it matters, are you kidding me?” he said, turning to face me, but I kept my eyes fixed on the hood of the car. “Mandy, please look at me. I’m trying to talk to you—”

“What? Like you’ve tried talking to me for the past two weeks?”

“Don’t do that. You know I have to—”

“Just forget it.”

“
I don’t want to forget it
,” he said. “Something’s wrong with you; you’re hurt. I saw it in your eyes earlier. It’s written all over your face. You’re breaking, and you need help. I want you to look at me. I want you tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Just like you’ve told me what’s bothering you?” I
asked, finally giving him what he wanted—direct eye contact, in the angriest form. “Oh, wait.” I snapped my finger. “
That’s right.
You
didn’t
tell me. You told my sister.”

He closed his eyes, breaking the stare almost as fast as I’d given it.

“Mandy, there’s a simple explanation—”

“And I don’t want it,” I put my hand up to stop him. “I know enough. The two of you talking
. . . That’s
all
I need to know.”

“But if you would listen—”

“Gabe, I am
not
okay with you and Bailey being friends. Nothing you can say will change that. I
hate
that even after you walked away from me, refusing to talk to me or even be seen with me, that you still maintained a friendship with her. I’ve been a wreck trying to figure out why you were so adamant about pushing me away, only to find out that my sister has apparently known your deepest, darkest secrets all along.” I shook my head and looked away from him, trying to ward off the tears I’d been fighting for days. “I trusted you.
I was falling apart from the inside-out, and you stopped at
nothing
to make sure that I didn’t lose sight of what was important. You were there for me; you were at my side. You—were—my—strength. And when you pulled back, and you needed someone to help you, you couldn’t talk to
me
? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?
I opened up to you
. I confided in you, and I told you things that no one else knows. And your way of repaying me was to turn around and confide in my
sister
?”

For one solid minute, there was nothing but sheer silence.

“You know,” I said, “I promised myself I wasn’t going to let this happen. I swore that I wouldn’t beat you up or knock you down. The last thing I wanted was to make you feel as lousy as you made me feel, but then I learned that…and I’m not so sure anymore.”

“Okay, that’s a lot to process,” he finally said, turning to me. He massaged his face for a minute and then dropped his hands in his lap. “Can we slow down for a minute? Take this beat by beat?”

“By all means.”

“You said you’ve been a wreck trying to figure out why I pushed you away, but I thought I already made that clear to you, Mandy. Did I not?”

“Oh, no, you most certainly made it clear.”
It would look like favoritism, and it would be terrible exposure for everyone involved.
He was worried about his reputation.

“Whether you like hearing it or not, I did the right thing choosing to walk away from you,” he said. “You’re not the only victim here, Mandy. I’m hurt, too. I hated that you showed up at the park like you did—”

“Yeah, well, if it comforts you at all, please know you’re not the only one.”

“Listen, I know I can’t blame you entirely. It’s my fault, too. I shouldn’t have let things go that far. Even though you showed up, I should’ve stopped you. I shouldn’t have let you stand there and say the things you did. It wasn’t fair.”

“You couldn’t have stopped me,” I assured him. “I was on a mission. I thought I was leaving, and I wasn’t going to stop talking until I’d told you everything you needed to hear.”

“I understand that,” he said. “But I could’ve prevented it. You wouldn’t have even
shown up at the park if I would’ve told you the moment it dawned on me— ”

“The moment
what
dawned on you?”

“How I felt,” he said. “If I would’ve told
you
what was going on out on the highway, things wouldn’t have gotten so out of control. But instead of telling you what I’d realized, I just walked away. And then by doing so, you pulled back. You pushed me away, and I should’ve fought harder to make you understand what was really going on. But I didn’t. I just let you walk away because I thought it would be easier for everyone involved.”

I believed that. He’d practically forced me to leave him standing on the edge of the highway without any inclination as to what happened or what was wrong. And then so much time went by without word or sight of him…

“I stand by what I said to you back at the school,” he said. “Despite any feelings you have, despite any feelings
I
have— ”

“You never said you had feelings. You chose your words very carefully, Gabe, and then you turned around and put
all
of the blame on me.”

Your speech ruined everything, Mandy. It raised a lot of suspicion, and now everyone’s watching and waiting for something to happen. If it looks like I’m playing favorites to Sugar Creek, and it
will
look that way if we’re seen together again, then that’s that. It’ll jeopardize everything.

I hated that I couldn’t get those words out of my head.

“I’m sorry.”

“You know what, Gabe?” I said, shaking my head. “It doesn’t even matter anymore. I made the mistake. So now you’re keeping your distance, befriending my sister, and doing whatever you can to make me suffer. It’s like all the forces in the universe combined and decided it was my time to pay.” I looked down to my folded hands and shook my head. “God, you make one mistake
, and it’s amazing how quickly everything can unravel.”