BreakMeIn (24 page)

Hesitantly she pulled the small box closer and opened the
lid. An ugly knot of dread formed in her stomach, the horrid hospital food
she’d just ingested roiling violently in protest.

His cuffs.

“I don’t deserve to have those anymore. Let alone wear them.
I’m not even sure I ever deserved to wear them in the first place. Feel like a
bit of a fool for even trying. But they say sometimes you have to experience something
to know if you’re meant for it or not.”

“Alex.”

“You did exactly what I asked for, Elena. You showed me what
I wanted. I know more about myself now and I know divorcing Vivian was the
right thing to do. I’m not the same man I was a few years ago and I am
eternally grateful to you.” He crossed to the bed, tapped the box shut. “But I
was wrong.”

“No, you weren’t.”

“I meant I was wrong to ask you for more. To demand you give
me something in return for what I was giving you. You made it clear from the
beginning you needed to keep your distance in order to fulfill whatever
requirements I asked for.” His gaze met hers.

“I love you, Elena. But it’s not enough. I need someone who
loves me the same way in return. I’m not convinced you do. I’ve done the one-sided
relationship deal and I know with everything I am I’m not willing to walk such
a path again. I think you’re capable of loving, despite what you’ve said
otherwise. You just haven’t found the right person worthy of what you have to
offer. Any submissive would be lucky to have you. And I hope to god whomever
you choose to spend the rest of your life with is worthy of everything you have
to offer him.”

She wanted to tell him she loved him and she wanted that man
to be him, but the determined look on his face told her he’d already made up
his mind. He had new plans for himself and his life—new plans that didn’t
include her.

She’d done her job so thoroughly she’d pushed away the very
person she cared for.

“What are you going to do now?”

“I have no idea. I may take some time and figure out what it
is I truly want to do. Bit late in my life to have an identity crisis, but
better now than later, I suppose.”

“Those plans include Perfect Shot, I hope.”

“I’m not sure they do. Patrick seems to have everything under
control. In truth I don’t think he ever really needed me there. It’s always
been more of his baby than mine. He’s a survivor. Who knows? There’s a world of
possibility stretched out before me.” He leaned over, his hands sinking into
the pillow to bracket her head. His mouth pressed hard over hers. “Take care of
yourself.”

Needing a solid connection with him, she lifted her hand to
the side of his face. She dismissed the pain of her injuries. Her fingers
molded to his jaw, pulling his face closer as she tilted her head. His tongue
slipped between her parted lips, a sweet caress filled with pure emotion.

He pulled away suddenly, breaking the kiss. “I would have
given you everything I am, Elena. Body and soul. They were both yours for the
taking. I love you that much and I would have surrendered to you until the end
of time. I know down deep inside I will never, ever love anyone the way I love
you. You gave me more than you’ll ever know and I will always be grateful. But
until you’re ready to accept the fact it’s not a weakness to allow yourself to
be loved I can’t continue to be with you. Goodbye, Mistress.”

As soon as he cleared the door, the dam deep inside her
burst, shattering the walls she’d erected around her heart. The ones she’d
always used to protect herself. She had given Alex everything he needed. And
he’d unknowingly given her something she’d needed.

Hope.

He spoke of failure, but it truth she was the one who’d
failed. She hadn’t been able to give him what he wanted the most.

Her heart.

And now the opportunity was gone.

He was done.

They were over. Even though they should have never really
begun in the first place. She’d allowed her emotions to get tangled up in the
mix and was now paying for it by watching the man she loved walk out of her
life—again.

Beth would label this an epic fail.

She pushed away the table, unable to look at the box knowing
what it contained. She’d made a mistake letting him bore deep down inside her
soul. She’d turned over a power to him she’d said she’d never give any man—the
power to shatter her heart. He made her want things she’d never wanted before.

The home and the kids.

The bondage and the discipline.

Two very different lives when she could only have one.

Every time they’d been together she’d wanted to give him
more. She hadn’t expected what was between them to be so raw and sexual despite
the very nature of their relationship.

He’d stripped her bare in a way no submissive had ever done
before.

As much as she wanted to her mind wouldn’t let her forget
the fact she’d unconsciously made her choice when she’d elected to remain
distant from Alex—both emotionally and physically. She’d done a damn fine job
of keeping her emotions out of the mix and had caused herself irrevocable
damage.

Except she’d done exactly what she’d promised herself she
wouldn’t do—she’d fallen in love with Alex Conners.

Alex found his brother hunched over his desk, papers
scattered everywhere in their normal fashion, but they weren’t invoices and
receipts for the coffeehouse. Police reports, insurance papers. Photos of the
blackened remnants of Sanctuary. The place so many people looked to for
redemption—including himself—now lay in ruins.

Gone forever.

“I’m sorry.”

Patrick waved off his apology. “It wasn’t your fault, Alex.
I’ve told you over and over.”

“Tell me all you want and I’m still going to claim
responsibility. Mostly because my ex-wife caused all of this. Things could have
been much worse.”

“But they weren’t.”

“You and Allison lost your home.”

He held up an expandable folder stuffed full of colorful
pieces of paper. “And as you can see I have plenty of insurance. I’ll rebuild.
Here, I need you to sign this.”

“Do you need any money? I want to do my part.”

“Relax. It’s the bill from Genevieve for the month for
Perfect Shot. Handwritten of course because she refuses to get someone to help
her with the accounting.”

“If you rebuild it won’t be the same.”

“No. I’m going to make sure it’s better.” Patrick continued
to fill out a few more checks, handing them to Alex so he could add his
signature. They finished doling out the business’s bills for the month after a
few minutes. Patrick sat back in the chair, crossing his legs. “How’s Elena?”

“Stubborn.”

“Wouldn’t expect less.”

“Doctors said to take a few days to rest. Her cuts and
bruises will heal in time. As will the burns. She’ll scar in a few places, but
you know Elena, she’d resilient.” He’d wanted to joke the scars would add a
dangerous air to her Domme persona, but it didn’t feel right. Not after he’d
returned the cuffs. “She’s a survivor.”

Patrick dropped his pen, blinking a few times as he studied
him. “You’re done, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. Turned my cuffs in so to speak.”

“Ah. Sorry to hear. What did she say?”

Alex rubbed his hands over his thighs. “Asked me what I was
going to do now.”

“That’s it?”

“Yup. Now I’m left to figure out what to do with the rest of
my life. Can’t say I’m going to rush off and use this knowledge anytime soon.
I’ve got to figure out a few things first. How’s Allison?”

“She’s fine. The morning sickness started the other day. She’s
miserable and happy at the same time if that makes any sense. Are you sure
you’re going to be all right?”

“I have no intention of picking up a bottle and drowning my
sorrows if you’re worried about that. I don’t think I’m all right now, but I
will be. I’ve been at the bottom before and I’m not interested in going there
again. I’m just glad things didn’t turn out differently for everyone.”

“Damn it, Alex. Stop blaming yourself. It’s unnecessary.
None of us could have predicted Vivian would have done something like this. I
know she’s been volatile and spiteful since the divorce, but this is just
insane.”

Alex rocked forward on his feet, a thread of nervous energy
running through his gut. There had been a lot of changes in his life recently,
but one thing still remained. A constant that wasn’t going to change until he
did something. “I thought about visiting her at the jail.”

Patrick leveled his gaze at him, a sign he didn’t agree with
Alex’s decision at all. “She doesn’t deserve your time. You’re just fueling
whatever mess is going on inside her head by going to see her.”

“I hurt her, Patrick. There were problems between us long
before she moved out. Most of which I let happen. I didn’t want to be some
overbearing ass like Dad. So I let her walk all over me. Wasn’t fair to
anyone.”

“I don’t agree.” Patrick pulled Alex into a tight embrace.
“But I understand.”

* * * * *

Alex breathed out slowly as he sank into the hard orange
plastic seat the county correctional facility provided. The large room felt
cold and confining despite its large size. How was it possible for a place like
this to make the innocent feel so guilty?

Patrick may not have liked his reason for being here, but
this was something he disagreed with his brother on. He had questions he needed
answers to. Not as though he expected to actually get those answers.

But he at least needed to try.

He stood as the door opened and Vivian appeared. She
shuffled forward, her hands bound in front of her with heavy tan leather cuffs.
Her normally perfect hair was disheveled, flat and lifeless. Her bright eyes
were shaded, the darkness in them not helped along by the pastiness of her skin.
Her ankles were bound by similar security measures.

The irony of the bondage she now faced wasn’t lost on him.

The officer unlocked her ankle cuffs and pocketed the key. “Ten
minutes.”

The sound of her chains shifting resonated through him
harder than he expected. The noise reminded him of Elena and the fact she’d
kept pushing him away.

“Why did you come, Alex?”

Vivian’s quiet question reminded him why he was here. “To
see you. To apologize.”

“For?”

“Not speaking to you sooner.” She snorted and Alex pushed
ahead with what he felt he needed to do. “What happened to us, Vivian?”

Metal clinked together as she shifted her hands in front of
her. “I don’t know. We started out all right, didn’t we?”

“I thought so.” He remembered the hollow feeling in the pit
of his stomach the first time he saw her. The way his heart fluttered the first
time their gazes met. “Just a couple of young kids in love, I guess.”

“I did love you, Alex. With all my heart.”

He believed her. “I know, Viv. So did I.” The memory of
their early years didn’t erase the horror she’d inflicted. “Why did you do it?”

Her head dropped, her gaze downcast toward her lap as she
shrugged. “I just…I don’t know. You were so happy, moving on without me.” Her
face lifted, the corners of her eyes glittering with unshed tears. “We were so
happy once. We were supposed to grow old together. Be happy forever.”

The vows he’d made reminded him he’d once thought the same
thing. “We were happy together. But then everything became all about you. Your
needs. Your wants. I gave up my own wants and needs for you. Because I loved
you so much I thought I was supposed to. But when it came time for what I
wanted—”

“I was scared. I didn’t want to lose you.” Her voice shook
as she started to explain. “I know it’s an excuse for what I did, but it’s the
truth. Alex Conners, the likeable, all-American guy who was friendly to
everyone. I thought you’d get tired of me. That I’d have to give you up because
I wasn’t…
her
. You always compared me to her, Alex.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.” A twinge deep in his gut
told him she wouldn’t have lost any sleep if she’d killed one of them.

Or worse—both.

Her gaze darted away, confirming his accusation. “I know
you’ll find this hard to believe, but I didn’t mean to blow up the building.”

The way she’d referenced Elena convinced him otherwise. “Just
me and Elena.”

“No.” Her eyes went wide. “I just wanted to scare you. Both
of you. I love you, Alex. I could never hurt you. But what you’re doing is
wrong.”

“Living is wrong?”

“No. Those things you had around your wrists. It’s…wrong.”

“Just because you don’t agree doesn’t make it wrong. You
want everything to be your way and when it isn’t, you turn hostile and now
destructive. I was too blind to see it until now, but you nearly destroyed me.
Several times. With the divorce. With an addiction I will now have to face for
the rest of my life. You play with people’s emotions to get them to do whatever
you want. They’re charging you with attempted murder, Vivian. Do you know what
those charges mean?”

She held her head high. “My opinions aren’t going to change.
What goes on in your brother’s warehouse is wrong. I’m glad it’s gone for good.”

His sympathy for her was waning by the second. “But it’s
not. Don’t you understand? It’s not about the building. It’s about the bonds
people form in those rooms. Bonds formed by people who love and respect one
another. They don’t need a building to do that. The bricks and mortar are just
things. Just because you burned Sanctuary to the ground doesn’t mean it will
stop existing.”

“Time’s up.”

Vivian stood, her manacles clanking together. “You’ve made
your choice then.”

“You forced me to.” He stood as well, noting the hatred
flowing through her eyes unchecked. The fire directed at him, fueled by a
revulsion he didn’t understand. “I was prepared to spend the rest of my life
loving you.”

“I love you, Alex. I always have and I always will. Even
with those disgusting things on your wrists.” The brief glimpse of the woman he’d
fallen in love with in high school vanished in the blink of an eye. A shell of
her former beauty. Standing before him was a cold, heartless maniac he didn’t
recognize.

It convinced him he’d never really known her at all.

How could he have been so blind?

Alex watched as the deputy led Vivian away. A knot in his
chest formed as he sank back into the chair, staring at the door. He would
never understand why Vivian felt the way she did. Just as she would never
understand his desires. In confinement she could get the help she needed
whether or not she liked it. Just as he’d done. She may never understand, but
she would have plenty of time to think about it.

“Sir, do you need anything else?”

“Not from here.” He stood, shoving his hands into his pockets
as the knowledge he knew what he needed to do sat heavy in his stomach. Five
minutes later he exited through the prison gates and pulled up to the
intersection to sit idle at the stop sign.

He stared at the green highway sign on the opposite side of
the road, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. The white lettering
listed off the distance to the nearest towns.

Gatlin Falls was a mere twenty miles south, to his right.

There were a lot of painful memories there. But a lot of
good ones too. His home. His business. Family. Friends.

The woman he loved.

The same one who didn’t have the guts to return his
feelings. Or at least tell him. The one he’d known would have a tough exterior
to crack. But he hadn’t expected the near-impossible. He hadn’t even made the
slightest dent.

There were only so many failures in life a man could take.

And Alex had certainly had his fair share already.

Turning the steering wheel to the left, he forced himself to
ignore the highway sign growing smaller in his rearview mirror.