Bream Gives Me Hiccups (11 page)

16
. And I was thinking, “You're not my boss at all. You're just another ugly outcast who's part of some dumb sorority cause she's too ugly to make friends on her own.”

17
. Which was the most embarrassing part of all because I had to measure the tickets against their arms to see how many they should get and it was also sexist because men have longer arms so they got more tickets. I brought this fact up to my “boss” and she was confused because she's an idiot and my “issue” was obviously too smart for her.

18
. You guessed it. Fucking Jocelyn.

19
. And a little spit came out with her
V'
s, which I tried to duck and avoid.

20
. It actually looked like when someone is turning into a werewolf and their bones are crackling and moving inside their skin.

21
. Okay, maybe that sounds evil, but seriously, I don't know if she's contagious, right?

22
. Jenny Seifert's Sweet Sixteen, remember?

23
. Which is an oxymoron in St. Louis.

24
. Don't worry, I didn't try to kill myself!

25
. Which, if you ask me, sounds like some kind of evil dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus Lexapro.

26
. I know that's gross, but I'm trying to be honest.

27
. Don't use that against me!

28
. I thought she'd be pissed that I ran out with the raffle tickets. Or that I didn't tell Stephanie that I was leaving the Rotting Tree. Or that I was rude to Jocelyn, who was going to die soon. But she wasn't. She was just
worried
about me. Weird.

29
. With bad breath and acne all over her flabby back.

30
. And there's still time . . .

31
. I hope it's okay to write “Love”! I'm not a dyke, Miss Rita! I just feel a lot of things.

October 5

Dear Miss Rita,

Well, it finally happened. Yesterday, I fell in love!

It started out like a fairy tale!

Unfortunately, it did not end like one.
¹

I loved and lost, Miss Rita. And I know they say “It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” but, after yesterday, I think I disagree with them.
²

Here is what happened:

Okay, so yesterday I was in a macroeconomics class. It's a morning class and I'm usually really tired during it so I'm not always paying full attention. Also, it's a lecture class, which is super boring and taught by this tiny Indian woman with a full Indian accent
³
who has ZERO sense of humor.

So we were talking about something that didn't make any sense, which was having to choose between guns and butter in an economy.
⁴
So she asked us, if we were running the country, what would
we
choose and why. So I raised my hand and said, “I would choose guns because, if you have guns, you can invade the people who have the butter and take it from them.”

And the professor woman kind of smiled, like I was making a joke or something,
⁵
and then said, “Anybody else?”

And then this kid who's usually pretty quiet raised his hand and the Indian woman said, “Yes, Ryan?”

And he goes, “I think Harper makes a good point actually. If you have weapons, it gives you control over resources, even if it means taking them by force.”

And then the Indian woman smiled at Ryan and said, “Harper and Ryan make a good team, class. Their point is not without historical precedence actually.”

And then she continued talking about guns and butter so I do what I normally do, which is tune her out and think about literally anything else.
⁶

And something really strange happened to me, Miss Rita. I started dreaming about this boy. This Ryan boy.

I thought, “Maybe we
are
a good team.” I've never actually
looked
at him before, but now that we were a
team
, I really started to notice how great he is.
⁷

And then my mind just started to go crazy, Miss Rita. The class was two hours and I think I totally spaced for the whole rest of the class, just dreaming about my
teammate
Ryan.

And my vagina started like tingling! I was like, “
Whoa
down there! Didn't realize you did
that
!” I thought I would maybe start peeing, but it felt so good, like electricity running through my body from my vag to my heart!

I just couldn't stop staring at Ryan, who turned into this like beautiful perfect creature to me!

And, Miss Rita, sitting there in class, I worked out our whole lives together!
⁸

First Date:

It would be romantic but would NOT end with too much physical activity.
⁹
I would be coquettish
¹⁰
and we would go to an Italian restaurant like Romano's Macaroni Grill
¹¹
and I would order something sensible like salmon, which is easy to eat on a date because it doesn't have any sauce and it's not pasta, which you CANNOT eat on a date because it's impossible and makes your mouth look stupid and has sauce. Ryan
would probably get the steak cause he's such a guy. And then he would drive me home and, before I got out of the car, he would put his hand on the back of my neck and it would feel so nice and I would know what was coming next.

And he would lean in
¹²
and I would let him kiss me once on the lips. A light, crisp kiss. And he would say, “I had a great time, Harper,” and I would just smile. I wouldn't say anything! I wouldn't say “I did too.” I would just smile and maybe bite my bottom lip
coquettishly
to keep him wondering, “Did she have a good time? Does she like me?
Who is she??
”

Second Date:

Ryan would invite me to hang out with his friends at his house.
¹³
It will be a Sunday afternoon. And I would sit on the couch while the guys played video games and drank Pabst.
¹⁴
And at some point, Ry-Ry would sneak his sweet little hand into mine. And we'd interlace our fingers, and when one of the roommates made a dumb joke, Ryan would look at me and secretly roll his eyes and I'd secretly roll my eyes too. And then he'd ask if I wanted to go for a little walk and we would walk outside, still holding hands and feeling so special because the friends would still be playing video games and they'd be thinking that me and Ryan were so cool because we had a secret relationship where we sneak out for walks
together. Then Ryan would say something like, “I really like you.” And
this
time, I
would
answer him back. I would say, “I like you too, Ryan.”
¹⁵

And then, after we took the walk, we would head back into the house and walk right past his friends and go upstairs to his bedroom. My heart would be racing so fast because I'd know what would be coming. He would hold my waist and lean in and kiss me. And then we would fall onto the bed and we would be making out. And it would be SO nice. And then I would let him grab my breast
¹⁶
but OVER my clothes. And then he would try to put his hand UNDER my shirt and I would say, “Maybe next time, mister.”
¹⁷

Third Date:

The third date wouldn't even be a date, Miss Rita. It would just be a farewell party. To my virginity!!! Sayonara Sucker! I would let Ryan have it. Own it. It would be his. The way it would work is that Ryan would text me late one night:

RYAN:
What r u doin?

ME:
Nothin. Just chillin.

RYAN:
Wanna come over?

ME:
Sure.

It would be SO romantic, Miss Rita. I would sneak out of the dorm, past Slutnick, past the clueless night guards, and run to Ryan's house. As I approach, I would notice a single light on in the upstairs bedroom, where Ryan would be waiting, having already showered.

I would throw a pebble at his window. He would come down and without talking
¹⁸
we would hold hands as we walked up to his bedroom. And there, we would start making out on his bed. And he would immediately put his hand up my shirt
¹⁹
and he would kiss every part of me, Miss Rita!

And while Ryan was lying on top of me, he would breathlessly ask, “Is it okay if I enter you Harper?” And I would say, also breathlessly, “Access granted, Ryan.”

And then he would fuck me, in and out of me, so nicely for hours until I bled all over his bed, but he wouldn't care and we would do laundry together the next day and scrub out my hymen together.

And after a few weeks of Ryan and I dating and spending every day together, I would tell him that I haven't gotten my period in a while and I'm wondering if everything is okay. And Ryan would just take my hand and say, “Harper, I did this on purpose. I want to start a family with you!”

And then we would move in together. I would ditch Slutnick and Ryan would ditch his dumb roommates and we would find a nice place off campus to raise our children. And
after we graduate, I would stay home with the kids and Ryan would work his way up the corporate ladder.
²⁰

Oh, Miss Rita, it would be wonderful! My life would be complete!

If only it were true. What really happened was this:

After class, I walked up to him
²¹
and said,

ME:
Hey, Ryan.

RYAN:
(looking like he might not know who I am) Hey . . . (clearly can't remember my name)

ME:
Harper . . .

RYAN:
Right. Harper.

ME:
Are you doing anything after class?

RYAN:
You mean now?

ME:
Well, yeah, I guess. (I laugh
coquettishly
) I guess that is now.

RYAN:
I gotta pick my girlfriend up from work. Why?

ME:
Oh, nothing. Have a good day. Bye. (walks away)

END OF SCENE.
²²

Oh, Miss RIIIIITTTTTTAAAAAA! I felt like such a fool! What was I thinking? I was so embarrassed. I don't know what was going through my mind. He didn't even remember my name, Miss Rita! I was nothing to him. Nothing. And he had a girlfriend!

I was at the lowest moment of my entire life, Miss Rita. I just wished I was dead. Like literally dead though. Like inside-a-coffin-rotting-away-from-a-disease dead.

And just as I thought I would have to go home and kill myself, something washed over me. A weird, new feeling.

As Ryan walked away, I started to realize that I didn't want to be with him anyway.
²³

I started noticing all this other stuff about him that made me so relieved to not be with him anymore. First of all, he dresses like a fucking hobo teenager—his pants were loose and sagging around his waist.
²⁴
And his hairline was actually receding
²⁵
so he put gel in his hair and slicked it forward. Who are you kidding, Ryan? You're going to be a bald fuckface who will probably also get really fat because once you're bald you're
already too ugly to get fucked so you may as well fuck food for a living and get really fucking chubs.

I can't believe I almost threw it all away for
that.
My precious virginity for that fat douchebag bald garbage can man.

And his girlfriend “
works
”? How old is she? She's probably like sixty years old, like a fucking granny, in huge panties who's fucked so many guys in her long life as an old hippie with white person dreadlocks and armpit hair. And Ryan probably has STDs all over his stupid dick. And I should probably warn his girlfriend, but she probably already knows because
she's
the whore who gave him the STDs in the first place. “Gotta pick my girlfriend up from work.” Probably means he's going to a brothel.
²⁶

Once I realized how shitty Ryan was as a life partner, I felt SO much better. My whole body relaxed and I actually thought I was so lucky to have gone through our whole life together because it made me realize how AWFUL it would actually be to share it with “Ryan.”

Because the truth is, Miss Rita, some people are destined to be alone forever because they're too disgusting for anyone to actually fall in love with them, but I am destined to be alone forever because I'm too unique and independent minded.
²⁷

Miss Rita, I guess this is what they call growth.
²⁸
I finally realize who I am.

I am a woman.

Hear me roar.
²⁹

In solidarity,

Harper Jablonski
³⁰

1
. Unless that fairy tale is “Little Red Riding Hood,” because essentially I was eaten by a wolf.

2
. I know it's wrong to disagree with a major quotation, but, Miss Rita, listen to what happened to me and then decide.

3
. As if macroeconomics wasn't already hard enough to understand.

4
. Sorry if I'm putting you to sleep already, Miss R.

5
. Which I wasn't. And which I still think is a good idea.

6
. Sorry if this sounds irresponsible but I'm taking this class pass/fail cause I knew I wouldn't do well in it.

7
. Okay, it's important for me to tell you that I
still
have not had a boyfriend, Miss Rita. You probably remember that, in junior year, I was a virgin? Well, guess what? Still a card-carrying member. ;) I don't know why, I'm sure I could have lost it a million times but I just never did. I actually never even really kissed a boy except one time, in seventh grade, when this asshole Russian kid named Alexey chased me around the school parking lot and kissed me on the head. But that felt more like an attack than a kiss. :(And then he said something in Russian, which is an ugly-sounding language, and then he laughed a little, which also sounded ugly.

8
. Please don't think I'm totally crazy.

9
. I'm not a prude, Miss Rita, but guys get grossed out when you do too much on the first date.

10
. Which means flirty but not slutty.

11
. There are two in St. Louis. One is a shithole and the other one's decent. We would go to the decent one. Obviously.

12
. I would stay totally still though, so I don't look like a ho-bag.

13
. He probably lives off campus in a dingy house with a few other guys.